Ch. 10
Good grief. That's what people always say...they say, "good grief," in exasperation of their circumstance or in annoyance at some small hurdle in their life...good grief...but is there really such a thing? Can grief be good?
I think it could be, but it's a personal choice as to wether you will experience it or not, a choice to push passed your self-assigned limitations. A choice to see the bigger meaning in a cloud of disappointment and unmet expectations. If you look closely enough you will find that living through strife and adversity can only make you stronger than that of which you ever believed you were capable.
Perception, after all, is reality, and grief allows you to open your eyes to a new reality, a reality of life after loss.
After losing her, I was grieving, but when I was finally able to shift all that shock and anger and pain of betrayal toward a new focus, I experienced good grief. A grief that offers resolution. A grief that calls for a change. I'm not the same person I was before her. Now I'm better...stronger...and I won't allow myself to ever feel the complacency that I once did again.
Good grief.
OooOooO
"So this is mine and Jazz's room." Let me just put on a little music to set the mood...
("Every Breath You Take" by The Police plays on the stereo)
Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you
Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you
Oh, can't you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take...
"Nice, Alice." I swear she's trying to force my hand sometimes. I will admit that Sting had it right. My poor heart would definitely be aching if it could beat, and if that were at all possible, it would beat only for you, of course, my Bella.
It's certainly appropriate, isn't it?
"It's certainly a mood killer."
The only killer around here is you, dear brother.
God, I love that woman. Tone down the annoyance, Ed. Bella doesn't suspect anything. Alice is only toying with you.
Jasper. He's always been the least annoying of all my adoptive siblings. I wouldn't say that he agrees with my choices, so much as he understands why I would make them. Not only did he have a different upbringing than my other wonderful siblings, but his brain prioritizes practicality above most other strategies. We sometimes have that in common. That is...until I met you. Nothing about the way I feel for you is practical, but I wouldn't change a thing.
"Oh. Wow. Umm...don't take this the wrong way because your style is obviously awesome and very important to you, but what's with the—" That's in such poor taste to leave such things out on display. Esme would be aghast if she knew what Alice just showed you. Maybe I should go tell her.
Lighten up, Lameward! Are you seriously considering running to tell Mommy what sissy did to your girlfriend?! Emmett's right. You seriously need to get laid.
"Don't be such a prude, Bella."
My Bella isn't a prude. Trust me.
"I wasn't, but it is rather...large."
"All the better to dazzle him with!"
Clever.
"He really likes that?"
"He likes what I like. Smart man, my fiancé is." You could learn a thing or two from a real man, Edweird.
"Fiancé...Aren't you guys a little young to get married?" Jasper is nearly 250 years old. It's about time he was made into an honest man.
"No, we love each other." As I love you, my dear Bella.
"Well, yeah. Obviously, but that doesn't mean you have to get married."
"Why not?" Yes, why not?
"Never mind. It's none of my business. I'm being rude. Sorry I said anything." Please tell her. I want to know.
"No, it's ok. I know we just met, but I can already tell that Edward really likes you. I meant what I said when I told you that I felt a strong connection to you. I want to know what you think. I promise not to get offended. Why don't you think I should get married?" It's fine. I don't have to marry you to love you. You're mine either way, but it would be utterly rhapsodic to declare myself to you before our most treasured friends and family...to stake my claim to who is so rightfully—as vested by destiny herself—mine. You. Are. Mine.
"This is not usually something I would talk about with someone I just met."
"Oh come on. We rode in the car for four hours together. That's at least three friend dates worth of time. We're way past the awkward early stages of friendship. Tell me!" Tell her. Please. I'm begging. This may be the first time I have ever felt thankful for Alice's intrusive nature.
"Fine...Well, uhh, you're only like 22 for starters. You've barely seen outside of Forks..."
"I'm from Mississippi and lived in four other states and two other countries before coming here."
"Really? Whoa...you guys must matriculate a lot then." They do, and it's as awful as it seems. It would be much more tolerable with you by my side, though.
"Dad's specialty is in really high demand." That's not inaccurate. It is rather difficult to find a doctor who specializes in every field of medicine know to man and some not known, including the supernatural.
"Huh, ok...but that's not exactly what I meant to say. It's just that...I don't know...aren't you worried about what people will think? You're still so young." Ah, there's that insecurity rearing it's beautiful, yet doubtful, head again.
"Not really. I love Jasper and he loves me. I know without any doubt that I won't ever love anyone else the way that I love him. This way we get to spend the rest of our lives loving one another."
"But...but what about taxes?"
"What about them?"
"You know, when you get married and you're out on your own, it's different. Your taxes are different. And there's other things too like bills...and the small concern of your free will being squashed in the weight of holy matrimony. I just don't see why you would rush that all for the sake of love. You love him now. Are you going to love him more with a piece of paper telling you to?"
"Well, no, but I won't love him any less. Material things aren't important to us."
"Umm, your closet would say otherwise..."
"Ugh, shut up!"
"Just that left rail looks like it would have paid for my first year of college!"
"Ok, Ignore all of that stuff. If it came down to Jasper or Gucci, I'd choose Jasper every single time. I'll admit that I do enjoy expressing my individuality through the mediums of art and fashion, but Jasper is always first. And what I love about him the most is that he always supports my interests. Look around. Do you think he enjoys living in a room layered in crystals and chiffon?"
"I don't really know him that well yet..."
"Hah. Hah. Well, the answer is no. If it weren't for him seeing how excited I am when I'm creating, this definitely would not have been his first choice of design. He wants me to be happy. I don't think that my free will would ever be 'squashed by the weight of holy matrimony.' He takes away my burdens, and I try to take away his. That's what marriage is about...being together. Supporting one another. I can't wait." I...I can't believe I'm saying this, but Alice is right. Ugh, even just the thought of agreeing with the sprite feels wrong, but I can't deny the truth of the matter.
"I guess I'm happy for you then. I just don't think I could make that same choice."
"...Bella, can I ask you something?"
Fantastic. Here comes the Spanish Inquisition. Oh well, let her have her fun. Just remember, you owe Alice nothing, love.
"Sure. What's up?"
"Why do you like Edward?" Go ahead, I'm listening.
"What?"
"My brother...why do you like him?"
"Oh, Umm..." It's fine. You don't have to respond. I'm always interested in what you have to say, but I wouldn't expect you to—
"He's beautiful." —answer. Hmmm. Beautiful? That's positive, but when the topic of my unworthy being is fortuitous enough to cross your mind, the first word that you associate with me is...beautiful? To be fair, I supposed my exterior would be the first aspect one would notice, and it's true that we haven't had a chance to spend much quality time together yet. I can accept beautiful.
"So you just think he's hot? Makes sense."That is not what I heard. I believe you said I was beautiful. That sounds much more heartfelt and lasting than simply hot.
"Leave her alone, Alice."
What? You still don't like what you're hearing? Stop listening then. She seems too smart to fall for all your creepiness anyway. Maybe she was just distracted by all your sparkles after all.
"No!" Well, that was blunt...but I don't care. I love you. I will find a way to be more attractive to you.
"So you don't think he's hot?"
"No. I mean yes..." Oh that blush. To be the blood stroking your vessels...
"Yes, he's hot, or yes, you don't think he's hot?"
"Yes he is...hot...but there are better words to describe his outward appearance... I was speaking more about his inner beauty...ugh! That sounded even stupider out loud than it did in my head. Seriously just forget it..."
"I agree that Edward's appearance would be much better described with different words than hot...ew...But anyway, I asked because I want to know. So Edward has inner beauty? That's good to know."
"Why do you keep saying things like that?"
Yes, Alice. Why must you say things like that?
"Like what?"
"Almost like you're warning me. Is there something I should know about him?"
"Don't do it, Alice. Remember what I know...who I know."
You are such a bully. "Err...I don't think it's my place to—"
"Please. I really like him. If he's bad news just tell me. I can handle it. I promise."
"Alright."
"Alright, Alice? Alright?!"
"There's just this one thing...most girls tend to freak when they find out, but maybe you're different. I mean, I think you're pretty different—in a good way, of course."
"Don't you dare!"
How does it feel to have everything crashing down? Familiar?
"Well? What is it?"
"You might want to sit down for this..."
"Alice!"
Sorry, not sorry.
"He...he listens to pop music, like a lot. Brittany Spears is his favorite."
My God. I really thought she was going to out us all just then. The vision was clear. I'm so tired of her games.
"Pop music? That's it? Why would you—"
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. He also got our cousin killed."
Pardon my French, but, "Shit!"
Oh, I almost forgot you were there listening. Game on, brother.
"He WHAT?!"
Good grief.
Good grief. Just review already!