Chapter 10

Hold my heart, don't let it break like fear
Sometimes a moment feels like a thousand years
God only knows why love is drenched in tears
Maybe that's what makes it love
Maybe that's what makes it love- (Heaven Knows, Hillsong)

...

Harvey had been in a trance the whole time, he had seen Donna to hospital and had made sure his kids had a sitter for a while, some family friends were staying with them for however long this was going to take, so they had said. In other words, for however short a time Donna had left. Everyone was sure the next phone call they would get from him would be to confirm that Donna was dead. Mike's voice on the line when Harvey had called him a few hours earlier indicated the same. And when he had looked up in that hospital waiting area a couple more hours later to see Mike and Louis approaching, dread was written all over their faces. Afraid they were too late? Not knowing how to handle this, how to handle him...maybe? He had got up from his seat to great them, Mike enveloped him a sympathetic hug. Louis did the same, barely able to contain his tears.

That's when it hit him. This was going to be all around him if Donna died tonight. This was what he was going to be getting the rest of his life. Sympathetic hugs and looks. This wasn't his life! Donna was still alive, and he was sitting here waiting for her to die? This was not happening.
"Uh…guys, thank you for coming, I really appreciate it." He said to Mike and Louis as they sat with him in the waiting room.

"No problem Harvey." Mike said.

"We're here for you Harvey, any time. We're here for Donna." Louis said.

"Any word yet…about…?" Mike couldn't finish.

"No, uh…she's uh…she's still in some sort of coma. Listen, I need to get out of here. Will you be ok staying here for a while, without me? I gotta…Uh…"

"No problem Harvey. Go do what you gotta do." Louis said.

"Thanks Louis." Harvey said, patting Louis' shoulder, he nodded to Mike before making his way out of the hospital waiting area.

He felt like his life was over. His feet were heavy as if made of lead and his chest was heavy it was hard to take a single breath. His life was over, but he was still breathing. How was he still breathing? Maybe because Donna was still breathing. What would happen to him when she stopped?

He made it out of the hospital building and breathed in the fresh cold breeze with hunger, desperate for the fresh breath of air. He kept walking, he didn't know where he was going, what he was looking for, he just needed…he needed…

He looked up, hands in his pockets. He contemplated the sky, the stars, the cold breeze that now engulfed him. Was there really someone up there listening?

He dropped his head under the weight of all that was on his shoulder, he kept walking now, eyes glued to the ground. But even the ground was a mystery, a wonder, a creation not of man. He felt his shoes sink into the sand and knew he had reached the beach. All that water, the sand, It had not been made by man.

The ground, the floor to his feet. It would be Donna's roof in a short while. His ground was going to be Donna's roof.

His knees gave out on him and he found himself kneeling in the sand, all his strength gone, he was done.

"Ok. Ok." He said with deep sighs, his chest becoming heavier, tears streaming down his checks and he didn't even know it.

All creation testifies of the presence of God.

He remembered that single verse with clarity and conviction in his heart.

"Ok, you got me. I'm here. I see you. I see it all now." He started to heave as he sobbed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…I've been distant. I've been…away. But you say you've loved me anyway. You died for me anyway. Jesus, God…and you still died for me, as I am."

He wished he knew more of what God had said in the Bible. He was a lawyer, he needed something to petition with, some sort of evidence, but his research in this area was a little limited. He knew this might be a short in the dark, but he would make some effort to know God more from now on. Of all the things to know, this felt like the most important, and he had never taken the time. Now he was going to lose a court case, the most important court case in his life because he had not done any research. But somehow, his heart knew. His heart was convinced, humbled and offered.

Voices were coming to him even now. 'It was too late, he was too late, he wasn't good enough, he was dirty'. He thought he could just swoop in now with a bowl of soup, his hardened heart for a bribe just because he was standing on his last leg? What nerve! What an opportunist. What a fraud.

'He didn't love us because we had done anything right, Harvey. He didn't die for us because we were so good. On the contrary, it was because we had become too dirty and destined to die, so he became dirty in our place and died instead. Just like a parent loves their new-born babied before they could do anything impressive than just being born, love them still no matter how many times they fall. Just like you love our kids Harvey, no matter what they do.' Harvey could hear Donna saying. he hadn't paid too much attention to it, but he still remembered that part, and it kept him on his knees, fighting.

What if it was just Donna's time to die? There was a time for everything after all, and maybe it was just time.

His heart refused that logic. Yes, there was a season for everything, but it wasn't time yet. He didn't know who, but someone asked for more time in the bible. He remembered that from Sunday school. He wished he had paid attention; he could use that right now in his petition.

'But if he gave his only begot son, is there anything he would not give?'

He didn't know where that just came from, like he was remembering things that would not have registered in his mind before. That was another verse from the bible, he didn't know if it was Donna or his Dad who had said that to him. He didn't care who had said it to him, it only mattered that God had, it was somewhere in the bible, he knew it. It was as if God was reminding him, helping him make his petition. So, he made it.

….

Harvey didn't know how long he was at the beach or how long his petition had taken. Whether he had won or not or whether he had been heard or not. But he had made it with everything on the line and he was holding on. He wasn't letting Donna go and he was counting on a miracle.

As he made his way back to the hospital, he would not allow himself to think of what he was going to face. Donna still in a coma? Donna dead and Mike and Louis waiting to deliver the sad news to him? They would not have called him; they would wait to have him in a controlled environment to tell him.

He sighed and looked up to the stars again with hope that God's love was bigger than his doubts, because right now his mind was a riot.

His phone rang at that moment and his heart stopped. He looked at the caller I.D and knew it was the friends who were taking care of his kids. Maybe they had heard the news and wanted to deliver their condolences, not knowing he had not heard it yet.

He wanted to ignore it, but it could be bout his kids. He answered.

"Hey, Dennis."

"Harvey, Hi…just uh…checking up on you."

Harvey had to refrain from snapping at him. 'Checking up on him' translated, 'checking to see if Donna was still alive or not'.

"Are the kids alright?" Harvey asked instead.

"Yeah yeah, they have gone to sleep."

"Well, thanks for taking care of them. Now, I suggest you go to sleep yourselves. Talk in the morning." Harvey hung up. How the hell was he supposed to have any faith with all of this coming at him?!

When he got to the hospital, Mike and Louis stood up and watched him enter, their faces were graver than when he last saw them.

"Hey Harvey, uh…the doctor was just here." Mike said.

"We were looking all over for you." Louis added

"He…uh, the doctor would...he said he would like to see you." Mike said with difficulty. "He didn't say anything to us…just…asked for you."

Harvey's heart was stuck up in his throat and all he could think of doing at that moment was turn around and run. But he squared his shoulders, cleared his throat and said, "Well, show me where the doctor is then." And forced his feet to move forward.

...

I can hear it now, the everlasting sound
Roaring like a lion deep within me
I won't hold it long, I wasn't made that strong
Sweet surrender, hold my heart and not let go
I'm letting go
And Heaven knows
I love you so