"The whole question here is: am I a monster, or a victim myself?"

-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Chapter 10: Uncharted Territory

Though sharing a space with a dozen vampires was not exactly ideal, I figured things could be worse.

I lay still on the bed in the Denali guest room, it was a strange comfort I hadn't ever experienced. Tanya was kind enough to offer me a bedroom with an attached washroom so I could have a private shower. I then bathed and changed into the black long sleeve shirt and washed out blue jeans she'd given me. Tanya was taller and curvier than I so the top she'd given me hung off my petite frame loosely and I'd had to roll up the pant legs to be an appropriate length.

The room I was occupying was decorated like an expensive hotel suite with a large window that looked out to the forest. It felt strangely human to be in this space, to share a home, however temporarily it might be with others. I enjoyed it though, the room was nice with a small selection of books on the shelf by the large window.

I perused the titles and picked up the one that most amused me: Dracula by Bram Stoker. I had, of course, read this one before but I couldn't help but pick it up every time I came across it. The horror story arguably had some frightening moments but when juxtaposed with the reality of vampirism it was quite laughable. It proved to be a good distraction from the actual vampires that were roaming the house.

Two soft knocks at the door pulled me from my stupor and I sat up quickly. The familiar scent behind the door let me know who was calling.

"Come in."

The door handle twisted open to reveal Edward. He stood at the doorway, not entering all the way inside.

"Dracula?" He asked with a slight smile leaning casually on the door frame, noticing the book in my hands. I simply shrugged in response and stood.

"Did you need something?" I asked.

He shook his head.

"I'm going hunting, if you're still interested in learning."

My interest was piqued and I set the book down on the nightstand. I wasn't too thirsty but I had to leap at this chance.

"Yes, I am" I said and looked around the room for the shoes Tanya had offered me, "just a second," I told him as I slipped on a pair of socks and the brown hiking boots.

He watched me curiously from the doorway, I ignored him as I made my way to the mirror and combed my long hair through with my fingers and gathered it up into a high ponytail that I secured with a simple black elastic.

"Ready." I said turning to face him.

He nodded and turned on his heel, I followed him, and closed the bedroom door behind me. We avoided the crowd by leaving through the garage door and we were off.

"We stay off the North track," he explained as we ran, "Not a lot of wildlife and it attracts hikers. Bigger game roams the South end, it's not safe for humans so they stay away."

I nodded to show understanding, my nerves were creeping, I wondered about the logistics of hunting animals not humans. They've never smelled particularly appealing though and they always scurry away at my presence. Edward ran at a steady pace, to accommodate me, I was sure. After several miles he began to slow into a walk and I did the same.

"Here should be good."

I looked around and then up at him, I could hear animals nearby but I felt lost.

"Nervous?" he asked, correctly interpreting my silence.

"No," I lied, "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

"Well," he started, stuffing his hand in his front pockets "It's not so different from what you already know, it's instinct."

I scoffed and kicked the dirt, causing him to raise his eyebrows in apparent amusement.

"I don't know about you but my instinct is to hunt humans not fluffy bunnies." I argued.

He chuckled softly and ran his hand through his beautiful bronze hair. I crossed my arms in response.

"Your instincts, our instincts are for blood. Doesn't have to be human though."

I frowned slightly, "I… suppose so."

"I'm confused, I thought you wanted to change."

"I did," I said to him "I do." I nodded meeting his questioning gaze.

"Then why are you stalling?"

"I'm not," I jutted my chin out in defiance, "What do I hunt?"

"What do you hear?"

I listened for the familiar sound of a heartbeat, blood rushing through veins. I found, to my surprise, there were several in the area. They were different than what I was used to, stronger and larger than any human I'd ever hunted. I looked to my right and inhaled the animal scent that blew at me, I scrunched my nose and my face contorted in disgust.

"Yuck."

Edward laughed again, louder this time causing my own lip to twitch up slightly. "That would be the elk."

"Elk stinks then."

"We've found that carnivores are most similar to humans, but herbivores like the elk leave something to be desired."

"But you hunt them still?"

"Sometimes they have to do." He shrugged "I prefer mountain lions, but you won't find any out here."

"Ok, what do I do now," I pouted and pushed the smaller loose hairs out of my face and behind my ear.

"Now," he crossed his arms and shrugged "you hunt."

I narrowed my eyes at him, my annoyance rising.

"You said you would show me the ropes but all you've said is I already have the "instinct". Whatever that's supposed to mean." My arms flew up with exasperation and I added an eye roll for effect.

"Alright," he said raising his hands up in mock surrender, "how about a demonstration?"

I nodded once and gestured to the stinky smelling elk with a quirk of my brow. He needed no further prompting from me.

I watched him as his body changed from the relaxed posture he'd stood into a slight crouch. His predatory nature was exposed to me and I watched in awe as he took off with great speed, the poor elk never stood a chance, I followed him hastily. He was faster than me, his long legs pushed his body further ahead and I struggled to keep up with him but I was mesmerized. Edward moved with an incredible grace and locked the creature in the confines of his strong arms.

The fiery itch blazed in my throat and I felt a strange breathlessness watching him hunt. The thirst in my throat burned and I was sure my irises were black as coals as I watched him part his lips and drain the enormous animal. Edward's strong arms held the elk in his grasp, instinctively I imagine running my hands up his muscular arms and having him hold me just as tightly.

My impossible thoughts took me by surprise and I gulped down the lump in my throat and blinked away the offending imagery. I pulled myself out of my own head in time for the elk's body to thump on the floor.

He turned back to face me, my eyes moved to the single spot of blood on his upper lip that he swiped away with a swift slip of his tongue, my stomach jumped. I notice the fullness of his lips and wonder vaguely if they're as soft as they look.

"Seems doable." I breathe, as he approached me. I ignore the fluttering feeling in my chest.

He hums in agreement with a nod as he moves to stand next to me. "It's like I said,"

"Instinct? Right?"

"Precisely." He smiles down at me from his spot by my side and I return it hesitantly. I noticed the slight change in his eyes, they'd turned a lovely light honey color.

"Pretty." I commented reflexively.

"Pardon?" He asked with a slight smirk playing on his lips.

I winced and looked away awkwardly. I hadn't meant to say that aloud.

"Uh, sorry." I hesitantly met his amused gaze. "I mean your eyes, the color change is… it's pretty."

"You think so?" He asked conversationally.

I nodded trying very hard to hide my complete mortification at having called him pretty. "I think I prefer it to the red."

"The red will subside eventually if you keep it up."

"I want to."

"I know." He said, lightly placing his hand on my back before asking, "Your turn?"

I ignored the warm feeling his touch provided, distracted by the burn in my throat. I cleared my throat and nodded.

He dropped his hand and moved to stand behind me, probably to wait for my lead.

"Whenever you're ready." He spoke very softly.

I listened for a heartbeat and found one easily. It was larger than the elk's and stronger too. I inhaled the scent, it wasn't as revolting as the elk had been but definitely nothing close to a human. Regardless, venom pooled in my mouth, coated my teeth, and I sprang after it. It was several hundred feet away but I ran at top speed.

The mighty bear, though larger than me in size, was hardly a match for a vampire. It seemed to know the danger it was in before I was upon it. He let out a roar and tried, in vain, to run. He slashed his claws at me but I pounced, completely unaffected. He struggled and slashed at me with claws and teeth but once I sunk my teeth into the furry creature it was over for him.

It was a strange sensation; the bear's blood soothed the burn in my throat though it wasn't much for taste, I still drank greedily.

It was exhilarating, hunting without the guilt. I quickly remembered I was not alone and I turned to find Edward leaning casually against a tree.

"Easy enough" I said, acknowledging him.

"Like I said," he smiled easily, "and with practice, you'll learn to avoid the claws," he gave me a meaningful look.

I frowned, confused, until I looked down at my clothes. I groaned as I took in the state of my dress.

The jeans were not too bad, he tore a large hole on my right leg, exposing the skin on my thigh down to my knee. I'd seen a fashion magazine a while back featuring bottoms with a similar style, so I wasn't too embarrassed by that.

However, the once pretty black long sleeved shirt was completely ruined, the animal slashed through both the sleeves. The right was hanging on by a thread at my shoulder and the left was completely torn off at the elbow. Luckily, the front of my shirt was almost completely preserved but the bear had torn clean through the back of it so it hung off me strangely, like a bib being held by the straps on my shoulders.

I looked away from him, embarrassed, realizing this was the second time now he'd seen me looking so unruly. The wolf attack was how I'd procured his jacket, but he was dressed casually now, and had no outer wear to offer me so that I might preserve my modesty.

"Don't worry about it," he said "it's happened to all of us."

I huffed as I pulled my hair out of it's elastic, letting it fall around my face. "But, look at you," I said "Not a scratch on you."

He shrugged, "I suppose the benefit of the herbivores is minimal claws."

I took the elastic that had been holding my hair and attempted to tie the back of my shirt back together. Edward casually put his hands in his pockets and looked away from me, which I greatly appreciated.

I was able to tie the two halves of the back of my shirt somewhat together with some effort and they bunched in the back, but it surely wouldn't survive another bear, I then pulled away my right sleeve, which was barely hanging on and tossed it on the floor.

"I think I'm done hunting for the day," I announced.

"So soon?"

"I loathe looking so savage," I said meeting his curious eyes, "and I don't think this shirt could take it."

"That's… fair." He said, "but typically we hunt more than just one."

"Maybe tomorrow?" I pleaded "Or later," I looked back at the bear carcass "that was gross and he ripped up Tanya's clothes." I sighed as I looked down at my shirt again, "Do you think she will be upset with me?"

"Tanya? No, I doubt it."

"I hope you're right."

"She won't mind, it happens," He said with certainty.

"You know her very well then?"

"We're cousins, remember? Our families have known each other for many years, she's a good friend."

"A very good friend?" I added with a slight raise of my brow and a small smirk, I couldn't help myself.

He seemed to catch my meaning and sighed exasperatedly, nervously running his hands through his hair.

"No." He said simply.

I giggled quietly, finding that embarrassed grimace on his face wildly entertaining.

"She's very… fond of you though. Isn't she?" I kept my voice light and airy, anyone who spent any amount of time around those two could see the attraction was one sided.

I remembered how she floated around him constantly, looking for excuses to touch him, my discomfort of that moment was assuaged by the look on his face now. I suppressed a laugh as he let out an annoyed sigh.

He rolled his eyes, "She just likes a challenge, it's irritating."

"So you and Tanya never…." I let my questions trail off suggestively. His dark eyes flashed with something I didn't recognize and it stirred an inexplicable response in me. An uncomfortable heaviness settled in my stomach and my breath hitched, I didn't breathe, the two seconds that it took him to answer me were the longest of my existence.

I wanted to take it back, I shouldn't have been teasing him. What if they had? What if he tells me something I don't want to know? And worse of all, why don't I want to know? My thoughts were racing as he pursed his lips.

"No."

Relief.

I let out the breath I had been holding in along with a nervous laugh. His 'no' was so resounding, so absolute that it lifted the heavy feeling from within me.

What is this man doing to me?

"Tanya is a friend, nothing more." he continued and I couldn't stop the grin that spread across my face.

"She is very beautiful though." I pressed, not able to abandon this topic.

"I... suppose so." he agreed slowly, "but not at all my type," he added hastily.

"No?" I teased.

"No," he shook his head with a small chuckle, "I prefer brunettes."

His blazing eyes pierced mine meaningfully and I nearly fell in a swoon. I smiled lightly up at him.

"She was kind to me." I said in her defense, despite my slight annoyance with her relentless flirting, "I think she threw the last round to try and preserve my dignity."

"I never said she wasn't without good qualities."

"So she did let me win." I accused.

He merely shrugged, "I try not to spend too much time in her head."

"Why?"

"I often hear more than I would like to."

"So her thoughts are particularly offensive to you then?" I smiled softly.

He scrunched his nose in distaste, "Sometimes." he admitted.

"Is it annoying?"

"It can be," he looked thoughtful and tapped a finger to his temple "however, I am able to recognize threats and understand others well because of it."

"Not me," I reminded him.

"That," he sighed "is endlessly frustrating."

"You'll live," I teased and I started making my way up a trail, leaving behind the forgotten bear. Edward followed close behind.

"I thought you were done," He called from behind me.

"I am," I said, turning to face him.

"Alright," he said " then let's head back."

I made a face and he laughed. "You have other plans?"

I nodded and closed the gap between us "it's just- and please don't take offense," I added putting up a diplomatic hand, "it's just, being in that house with so many is…"

I struggled to find the words, I wanted to be there but I wasn't fully comfortable sharing a living space. I was never fully comfortable in my coven of four and now staying with a group so large is daunting, they could over power me with ease.

"Don't worry about it," he said, saving me from having to finish the thought, "I understand."

"You do?"

"Of course," he said matter of factly, "anybody would be uncomfortable in such a situation."

"Then, I'll see you back there." I replied airily.

He said nothing for several seconds as a frown fell upon his lips and his thick brows furrowed. "You want me to leave you?"

His question shocked me and I blinked in surprise, "Don't you want to?"

"Not particularly."

"Oh," I said stupidly, "I thought you would."

"Why would you think that?"

I shrugged, "I assumed, you'd rather be with your cov- I mean- family." I played with the ends of my hair, "Honestly, I figured you'd want me gone by now."

"I wouldn't bother to help you if I wanted you gone."

His words filled me with a sense of elation that was unfamiliar. He seemed to have strange effects on me that were slightly embarrassing. I smiled at his words and continued on my walk without speaking and he followed dutifully.

"Do you know where you're going?" He asked after a short while, now matching my pace, we walked side by side.

"No," I told him, "but I'll know when I find it."

He looked confused, "what do you mean?"

"I just need somewhere," I made gestures around the forest, "somewhere near here, to get away to."

"You really don't like being around us, do you?" his voice was curious, I didn't detect any malice but I sensed he was asking something else. Perhaps that was just wishful thinking.

"It's not that," I tried to explain, "even when I was with James…" I trailed off, remembering all the times I would break away and just be with myself, "it's hard for me to be around others for too long," I admitted, "I'm not built for it."

He nodded slowly, "you'll want something private then?"

"Preferably."

"I know a place," he said, "that is if you don't mind sharing it."

I turned to consider him, if anybody else had made that offer I would probably immediately refuse. However, somehow the idea of sharing with Edward was slightly appealing. Usually a private space was for me alone, but I found myself enjoying his company.

"I don't mind."

"Then follow me," he said with a grin before he took off running in the opposite direction.

I took off after him, he was very fast and I struggled to keep up with him as we gained more and more ground.

"Slow down!" I called,

"Speed up!" He called back,

I huffed but pushed my legs harder. He looked back at me and laughed loudly while keeping his perfect pace. I narrowed my eyes in annoyance as I still couldn't match his speed, this time instead of calling to him I decided to slow him down my own way.

I reached out one hand and let out a blast of my force field at him, effectively knocking him down. His body made a small crater in the dirt where he landed with the force of impact.

"Ha!" I couldn't help myself, he didn't immediately pick himself up as I had expected him to. His expression was unreadable as I stood over him.

"Sorry," I was immediately remorseful, cold shame washed through my entire body, "please don't be angry."

I extended my hand to help him stand. He didn't say anything but gingerly reached out his hand. I burned at the contact and our eyes connected then, he smirked. His hand grasped mine tightly and pulled me hard to the floor, I lost my footing and found myself flat on my back. In one swift motion his legs trapped mine and his large hands forced my hands to clasp together and lifted them above my head, pinning them there.

"Hey!" I protested.

"Your hands are dangerous." His silky voice softened my temper.

"I said sorry." I argued feebly, his body was on top of mine and I tried to ignore the fluttering sensation in my stomach. He was so close, I could see every detail of his perfect face and his scent was overpowering, I froze.

"You realize that's the second time you've done that to me?"

His face was inches from my own and we were in a very compromising position. I knew what this would look like to an outsider and I found myself excited at the prospect.

I did my best to display my best annoyed face to tell him, "Nobody likes a show off,"

He laughed and I could practically taste his sweet breath. I found myself watching his mouth and perhaps it was due to the intimate position he'd placed us in but the urge to taste his lips on mine was overwhelming. I looked away, ashamed, before speaking,

"Can you get off me now?" I whispered.

Immediately he was gone, the ghost of his touch lingered on my body and I missed the contact feeling colder than ever before. I stood, righted myself, and turned away from him.

"I shouldn't have-" he started, "I'm sorry, Isabella." He sounded horrified.

"I'm not." I turned to assure him, with a small smile, "I did start it, after all."

A look of relief flashed through his face and he sighed softly. His hand ran through his unruly hair nervously.

"Still, I apologize."

"There's nothing to apologize for." I insisted, "in fact I think I owe you an apology. I don't know what's gotten into me lately."

He flashed a crooked smile, "All's forgiven," he said lightly, "as long as you stop doing that." He added with a grin, jabbing his thumb at the Edward-sized crater in the dirt.

I sucked in a breath through my teeth, "But what if you irritate me again?" I attempted to feign seriousness, but I couldn't stop the corners of my mouth from twitching upwards.

"Civilized beings don't immediately resort to violence." He chided with a grin.

I gasped loudly, touching my hand to my chest, in exaggerated offense, "Are you calling me uncivilized?"

"I wouldn't dare."

"Good," I smirked, "didn't you have a place to show me to?"

"This way."

I followed his lead, this time he matched my pace. I was finding it increasingly easy to talk with Edward as we ran. It was nice to forget the reason we'd been brought together in the first place as we discussed light topics.

We ran for quite a while before reaching a large cliff overlooking the dark expanse of treacherous waters, he slowed to a stop and I copied him.

I stood at the edge of the cliff and looked down at the rocky shore, the tide beat the jagged rocks below savagely. The white moon reflected on the surface of the ocean's face and I watched as the ripple of the ocean's waves rocked the moon back and forth.

"It's beautiful," I said as I moved to sit on the outermost edge of the cliff and I looked out to the never ending sea.

"We're almost there," Edward said from behind me, I looked up at him in surprise.

"This isn't it then?"

"Not quite." He smiled, "come on," he said with a tilt of his head.

To my surprise, he leaped off the side of the cliff and landed on a large rock barely above the shore. I watched as he scaled the side of the cliff and launched himself up the side where there was a barely visible opening. He disappeared into the wall and I followed him.

I jumped and landed gracefully in the same spot I'd seen him, the ocean was louder from here. I looked out to the dark water entranced by it's beauty then looked up to find him watching me from what appeared to be a small cave, he said nothing but smiled crookedly as I made my way up to him and climbed into the opening of the grotto.

"Woah," I breathed.

My eyes scanned the place, measuring the area. It was a shallow cave, more like a hole in the wall, it was a bit smaller than the guest room back at the house but not angular like a room.

I walked the area, gently my fingers touched the rocky walls that made up this oval space. It was so perfectly round, I imagined a gigantic spoon scooping out this tiny room just for us. The smooth rock was dark and dense but it wasn't dirty or damp as one would expect it to be. I suspected Edward spent plenty of time in here, potentially he had something to do with how clean it was.

"You like it?"

"Yeah," I answered distractedly, now examining the shiny rocks that lined the floor.

We were high up enough so that the small grotto didn't flood with water. The waves only licked up at the sides every now and then. The cave was shallow but filled with the fresh sea breeze and washed in white moonlight. It was very private and I was aware of just how alone Edward and I were in this moment.

I turned to face him but found he had sat against the rounded wall on the edge of the grotto. One of his legs dangled off the side of the drop while the other was stretched out in front of him, his arms folded across his chest as he looked out into the dark night.

I said nothing, instead I sat directly across from him on the opposite edge allowing plenty of space between us. Unlike him both of my legs dangled off the side and my hands gripped the floor as I looked down into the dark water several feet below.

"I've never shown any of the others this place. You can come here when you need to get away," he said, breaking the still quiet, "And I'll leave you to your privacy, if you like."

"Thank you, " I said, "I do appreciate it."

I ignored the tightness in my chest that swelled at the thought of him leaving. He stood then and made a swift exit, landing on the rock below.

I stood quickly, alarmed.

"Wait!" I called, he looked back at me curiously, "you're going? Now?" My voice echoed quietly against the solid walls.

"I thought you wanted to be alone?"

I shook my head, "Stay."

I resumed my seated position and watched nervously as he made his way up back to me again. He climbed inside and sat, closer to me than he had before only leaving about a foot of space between us. He mimicked my stance and let his long legs hang off the drop and turned his head to face me.

"You're very confusing."

"Am I?"

He nodded, his golden gaze analyzed me and his long dark eyelashes framed the wonder in his eyes.

"I won't ever make you go." I said and his eyebrows shot up in surprise, "I mean, this is your place."

"Ah," he said with a slight nod and looked back out towards the sea. "You don't have to use it, if you feel uncomfortable."

"I'm not."

He turned to look at me again, I was sure the confusion was written plainly on my face,

"What are you thinking?" He asked, leaning slightly closer as if proximity to me would allow him to look into my mind at last.

The sea breeze mingled with his scent, making it impossibly difficult to ignore. His messy hair ruffled slightly with the wind and I wondered vaguely what it would feel like between my fingers, I mindlessly curled the tips of my hair with a single finger and shrugged in response, carefully avoiding looking too hard into his face.

"What is it?" He pressed curiously.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I purposely kept my voice light and teasing.

"I really would,"

He then carefully took my chin in his hand and lightly guided my face upward, forcing my eyes to meet his. I hadn't realized that we'd moved closer to each other, I could feel his breath against my skin. His skin was illuminated only by the soft moonlight, highlighting his perfection. He let his hand drop from my face and I instantly felt it's absence and missed the contact.

"I'm not thinking anything," I lied breathlessly.

"People are always thinking about something," he countered, "why won't you tell me?" His voice was pleading.

"Maybe it's none of your business."

That came out colder than I'd intended but I crossed my arms and glared, daring him to argue with me. He had no right to make me want him.

"No," he said slowly, "I suppose it's not."

I nodded once to let him off the hook but I could feel my resolve weakening at his words. I expected him to snap back at me but he didn't.

We sat quietly watching the waves crash against the rocks. The tension was palpable and I regretted telling him to stay but also couldn't bring myself to leave. I watched him from the corner of my eye, he sat expressionless staring far away.

I found myself growing more and more curious about him as the minutes ticked by.

"Have you always hunted animals then?" I blurted, breaking the hard silence.

He turned his head to me slowly, a dark look flashed across his perfect face and he looked away from me and then down to his hands. He folded them in his lap and kept his eyes trained there.

"Not exactly."

"Never mind then," I said, sensing his discomfort "forget I asked."

"No, it's not a problem." He pulled in a deep breath "although Carlisle did teach me to be "vegetarian" when I awoke, eventually I grew… restless." He laughed without humor "I had a bit of a rebellious streak, I split from Carlisle and hunted humans I didn't think deserved to live."

I wrinkled my brow in confusion, human virtue was not a factor I ever considered. "How?"

He tapped a single finger to his temple, "I looked for the most evil minds- dregs of society." His brow furrowed slightly and he grimaced. "Murderers and rapists, I was their executioner."

My eyes widened at this revelation and wondered if any of the humans I hunted would've met his evilness standard.

Perhaps, none?

This realization formed a pit at the bottom of my stomach, I had killed so many innocents but Edward never had.

"Hmm." I looked into his pained honey eyes, and I inexplicably wanted to erase his hurt, "I would bet you saved more than you hunted."

He shook his head, "You couldn't possibly know that."

"No." I touched his shoulder gingerly, his eyes snapped back to me, "I couldn't," I squeezed his shoulder gently before dropping my hand, "You did what you could, which is more than I can say for myself."

"You never knew any different," he argued.

I shook my head, "I didn't care to find out either, which of us is worse?"

"I don't think you're bad."

"You hardly know me."

"Doesn't matter."

"Oh?"

"You're here now, aren't you?"

I only shrugged, that didn't really matter much.

"What made you come back to this lifestyle, back to Carlisle?" I pressed, needing to know more.

He pondered my question for a minute and straightened, pulling his legs up to sit cross- legged, facing his body toward me. The suddenness of his movements startled me and I was compelled to mirror his position, and we sat looking into each other's eyes.

"I hated myself- I couldn't be a monster anymore and this vegetarian lifestyle is the closest thing to human we can get."

Ouch, I thought. A pang of rejection and disappointment hit me square in the chest.

"Monster." I repeated tasting the word in my mouth, remembering the redness of my irises, "That's what you think of me?" I asked, unable to meet his eyes. "I suppose it's true."

"What? No." he spoke very fast, "Of course not, Isabella. You're risking so much to help Alice and my family, I was speaking about myself. I was vindictive and tried to play God." He tried to explain but to no avail.

"But you said," I shook my head and scooted away from him, "that you were a monster when you drank from humans and my eyes are red, so what does that make me?"

He seemed dumbfounded and panic rose in my chest. I hadn't been expecting this, I wasn't ready to face the reality of my existence, not right now.

"That's what I thought." I whispered quietly as I stood, knowing he was right about me.

"Wait," he rose quickly and grabbed my arm, I couldn't face him. I felt humiliated and stupid.

"Isabella, I apologize, I misspoke. Please forgive me?" He pleaded. I turned to face him and considered his beautiful apologetic face.

"Why do you say you were a monster for following your instincts? It's all I've ever known. A predator hunts prey, and that makes it evil?" I asked.

"Your argument doesn't account for the complexities of what we are." He ran his hand through his hair nervously, "We're dead, Isabella, and we hunt the living." His voice was gruffer than usual, pained almost.

"Wrong," I snapped "I'm not dead, I feel very much alive." I gestured at myself and then at him, "We occupy space in this world, we converse, we feel- is that not alive?"

"There has not been a single heartbeat between us."

I nodded slowly, "So then, does that mean there is no hope for me?"

He furrowed his eyebrows "What do you mean? You can change your diet."

"And live like you? Like your family?" I asked incredulously, "I don't know that I would have enough humanity left to be able to live amongst the humans and coexist peacefully."

The guilt I'd been feeling about the humans I'd killed had been growing bigger and along with it the hope that I could ever wipe my slate clean.

"Of course you can. You didn't know another way."

"Does that change what I've done?" I threw my hands up, exasperated, "Can I plead ignorance and reverse the damage my existence had wrought for so many humans?" My voice rose higher than I would've liked.

He said nothing and I looked out to the ocean, wishing it would swallow me whole so that I might not have to face this.

"Do you believe in redemption, Edward?"

"I don't know," he admitted, "but Carlisle has shown me the values of atonement."

"How could I possibly atone for such permanent actions?" I crossed my arm across my chest, "For murder?" My voice cracked embarrassingly on the last word and I held my breath to keep my panic at bay, I stilled and waited for his response.

He said nothing for several seconds, I couldn't look away from his burning gaze. He crossed and uncrossed his arms, seemingly considering me.

"By living with the consequences of those actions," he said finally "and doing better in the future."

I bit my lip to keep it from trembling, I couldn't let him see me lose it. I shook my head and moved toward the stony wall. Panic built in my body and rose to my chest.

I sank, hugging my knees tightly to my chest and laying my head down which allowed my hair to fall around me like a protective cover. I shut my eyes and tried to suppress the images of the humans I murdered as they sprang into the forefront of my mind. A sob threatened to escape from my lips and I hugged my legs tighter. My breathes were quicker and unsteady as the overwhelming grief and shame blanketed my entire person.

"Isabella?" Edward moved beside me, his voice thick with worry. "What's wrong?"

The sound of his voice broke the little control I had over my emotions and I let out an involuntary sob.

"Isabella?" He sounded horrified.

I shook my head vigorously, unable to speak or keep from crying. I sprang from my spot without looking at him and leapt into the dark water below.

The ocean enveloped my body completely and I allowed the water to consume me. I didn't fight the waves and the weight of my person sank lower and lower and I allowed myself to scream. My garbled wail released my grief and caused the sea life to swim away hurriedly, I would run from me too if I could. If I could cry I would double the size of the ocean.

The sound of an angel voice broke through the noise of the crashing waves and it echoed around me. I was reluctant to leave the comfort that the cool water provided so I ignored him and remained submerged.

I allowed my pain to seize control, I willed the memories of my terrible deeds to flash before my eyes. It was as if every memory, every life lost created a ripple or pang of hurt that moved through my body in waves. As deep and endless as the sea. So, I cried.

Let me know what you think.