The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Chapter 9: Esther - Part 4: A Bitter Taste of Truth

MacLeod: "Did you kill all those people?"

Methos: "Yes. Is that what you want to hear? Killing was all I knew. Is that what you want to hear?"

MacLeod: "It's enough."

Methos: "No it's not enough! I killed...but I didn't just kill fifty...I didn't just kill a hundred...I killed a thousand! I killed TEN thousand! And I was good at it. And it wasn't for vengeance. It wasn't for greed. It was because...I liked it. Cassandra was nothing. Her village was nothing. D'you know what I was? I was Death! Death on a horse! When mothers warned their children that the monster would get them, that monster was me. I was the nightmare that kept them awake at night. Is that what you want to hear? The answer is yes. Oh yes."

(Highlander: TV series - from episode 'Comes a Horseman')

Bronze Age – ca. 1700 B. C.

Why is it, that a heart can break?

From pain?

From grief?

Weakened from treason or loss?

Out of compassion or self-pity?

Deliberated from illness or age?

Or even from – love...?

And if there are so many ways to break a heart, how often will it be able to suffer to be broken during a lifetime?

During the lifetime of an immortal...?

I don't know how often I asked myself said question, but even if I would have found an answer, I would have been spared from dying due to a broken heart anyway...

Many people are afraid of it, of dying...

This applies to me the same as it does to any other man or woman, but all I had experienced throughout the centuries, taught me that it can be far worse to be forced to live on with a broken heart than to die from it. This, obviously, is the price an immortal has to pay, if he or she lives for too long amongst mortals. The price, we have to pay for something, we never asked for, we never wanted, we never chose by free will.

If I recapitulate the centuries I outlived, then all the losses and all the grief I had to suffer caused my heart to fly into flinders for so often that I'm not quite sure if I'm still able to reassemble all its pieces correctly.

Losses, yes, and grief, oh yes!

I'm sure, these are the first things everyone thinks of, whose heart ever got broken, me included, but what if a heart wants to burst from nothing else but pure joy and confidence?

Wouldn't there also shards be left...?

I was in high spirits when I found myself on my way back to our camp. Not just because I had needed much less time than originally planned, but much more so, because an idea came to my mind which would offer Esther and me an opportunity to escape to another life, without causing too much of a stir. I was very well aware of the fact that, should I fail, both of us could die.

Although it could also be possible, that Kronos would keep us alive - for his personal pleasure and for to let us suffer as long as possible.

Keeping this as a warning, I didn't have in mind to fail, but I knew all too well that if I should fail, I wouldn't get another chance like this to turn my back on my life as one of the Four Horsemen.

Kronos still wanted me to prove myself to him as his true sworn brother and I knew what he expected from me when he sent me away to spy out the settlements we were surrounded by: The proof of my loyalty, which he began to doubt openly the day when Cassandra succeeded to escape.

And so I went to fulfil my duty against our leader pretending to be just a wayfarer searching for the destination of his journey while travelling from place to place and from settlement to settlement and convinced, none of the villagers would ever come to know it would be me when my brothers and I would return to plunder their villages soon after.

Surprised and, yes, all ashamed, I had to realize, that none of the villagers ever denied me a meal or quarters for the night, even though they knew I had nothing else to pay them with but the stories I had to tell. None of them ever asked me for gold or payment in return for their kindness and hospitality, if only they were allowed to hang on my lips when I told them about foreign countries and landscapes and about people and animals they had never heard of before. And whenever I had to take leave the very next day, it seemed to be much to their regret. These friendly and innocent people never came to learn, that I wasn't only telling them stories, but also used the opportunity to sound them out about their hidden little secrets like treasures or their skills if it came to defending their belongings. I wasn't surprised to find that their only treasures were those they carried with them on their limps and what they'd need to survive.

There was nothing worth to raid those poor devils for, nothing, but themselves...they were nothing but potential slaves, I heard this unrelenting voice of mine whispering deep inside me. That voice, which still bound me to Kronos and my life as Death and which I was still barely able to control - no matter how close I was to feeling guilt or to regaining something like compassion.

It was the truth! Those people living within these little villages, camps or settlements owned nothing but their lives and just because of this there would be only one choice for them, the choice between death and slavery, which would overtake them soon.

Let them choose death or slavery!

I knew how it was supposed to end having witnessed it way too often while I had them make their choice.

And I had relished it way too often...

I went back on my way towards my planned heading in pondering silence.

It was not exactly the destination Kronos would have expected, but to me it felt like a first step in the direction of freedom, when I reached the small port only a few days afar from our camp. The breeze coming from the sea refreshed my mind and I enjoyed watching how a merchant vessel got moored to the pier and how it got unloaded.

The sea!

Born as a child of the desert, it never came to my mind before, that the sea would possibly save my life one day.

Meanwhile, it seemed as if it would become my only choice...

The more pleasing it was, when the captain of the merchant vessel agreed to take me and my companion aboard without asking questions as long as we would be back within the next ten days to come. Of course, his silence would have to be bought for a not even small amount of gold, but all I could think of was that this was worth the try and all the gold I'd have to pay...

Ten days!

Not much time to come up with a plan and for to leave, but with an aim like that in such close reach, I was confident enough to believe in it to do...

"Take care of the horse!"

I jumped out of the saddle and threw the strings over to one of the slave girls. She grasped for them, almost let them drop and stared at me out of wide eyes, as if she either had not seen me ever before or as if she had not expected me to be back that early. Both seemed to me to be rather improbable, because she was, if I wasn't mistaken, one of Kronos' favourites, meant, she succeeded in winning his attention for more than just one night, while it could be disputed, if this was supposed to be a blessing or rather a kind of punishment.

"What's wrong", I snarled at her, when she still stared at me, not even moving a finger to follow my orders: "Having forgotten about how to handle a horse?"

She winced, shook her head and finally went to care for the horse in excessively eager, still staring at me as she left. Most probably, it came to my mind, she thought me to be not worthy to get served by her, because she got caught within the illusion of serving Kronos and only Kronos.

A dangerous illusion...

I turned round with a shrug and strolled over towards my tent.

Maybe, I should have wondered about the girl, who still stared after me, but all I longed for was to get rid of the dust and the sand I carried with me within my hair, my boots and my clothes...and, of course, I longed for a beautiful pair of dark and almond-shaped eyes watching me while I'd take off my clothes, but instead of a loving gaze out of dark and almond-shaped eyes only an empty tent waited for me. Neither did an oil lamp spent a little light nor did a brazier spent some welcomed warmth against the cold of the upcoming night. It was silent all around me and everything looked, as if no one had stepped in here for several days. Maybe, even since I had left the camp...

Something was wrong and from one moment to another, my pleasant anticipation of dragging Esther into my arms, of telling her about the passage I had been able to arrange for the two of us aboard the merchant vessel and of dreaming of another life together with her away from bloodshed, turned into a foreshadow, a vague feeling of suspicion.

I tried to push it aside.

In vain.

Instead of her soft and gentle arms getting wrapped around me to welcome me, a sudden cold grasped for me with icy claws.

Something was definitely wrong...

I rushed out of my tent, threw off my cape and hurried over to the slave girls, who cared about my horse: "Where is she?"

"My lord Methos?"

The one I guessed to be Kronos' momentarily new amusement raised her gaze to stare at me again. After all, she finally seemed to remember my name and who I was. Kind of progress, I would have named it, if having been in better temper.

"Never make the mistake of taking me for a fool, wench, you would rue it some day. I know you to be around here for much longer than I had been away, and while we're talking about it right now, I'll give you some piece of good advice: There's no need to remind me of it: I do not care, if you heat or share Kronos' bed. As soon as he loses interest in you, it takes me just one word and he will hand you over to me without hesitating. Got me? So, once again! Tell me! Where. Is. She?"

"I don't know", she lied again and lowered her gaze.

I grabbed her with her wrist, forced her to lock eyes with mine and ended up in total surprise when she shot me a glare, which didn't show fear, but kind of a hubris. Tried to hide my confusion, I hissed: "Still reluctant to tell me the truth? Well, you should start praying to your gods, which ever they may be, because, if I shouldn't find Esther within an hour's time, I will return and ask you again..."

She smirked and tried to talk back: "Kronos will..."

"Kronos won't! You can trust me deeply in this! But he'll watch when I will deal with you! Take that for promised..."

Despite this unmistakable threat and the mordant cynicism I acknowledged her with, she still kept silent. Obviously, she trusted much more in Kronos being her protector than in me being a reason to be afraid of. A weary smile upon my lips I finally released her and went to search for Silas.

Before I had left, I had entrusted him with sheltering and with protecting Esther, and if there was anybody around being able to tell me what happened to her, he was supposed to be the one.

I found him – as usual – with the animals. They meant more to him than any human being ever would and I couldn't even hold anything against him for doing so. He spent hours watching, feeding and stroking them, which more and more often led to open skirmish with Caspian, whose sneering remarks mostly hit the nerves they were meant to hit.

Silas raised his head when he got aware of my presence and his otherwise rather numb and unimpressive face brightened up with pleasance and surprise when he recognized me: "Methos!" His roaring voice resounded all over the place: "You're back, brother?"

"Just returned", I replied with a forced smile.

"You've been successful?"

"I was!"

I took a deep breath and wanted to add something, when he beheld me and asked: "So, it's true and we will leave? You know best, this is not for me. Sitting around, waiting, doing nothing..."

"Don't you worry, Silas! I promise, it will be over soon."

"Sounds good to me, brother, and you always kept your promises." He wrapped his enormous hands round my shoulders and I saw his eyes sparkle within the twilight.

I freed myself from out of his brotherly embrace and said: "So did you as long as I know you. That's why I want you to tell me: Why are you not with Esther? I entrusted her to you before I left."

"She's fine, Methos! Kronos took her with him, over to his tent, shortly after you went away. Said you would have agreed that he could keep her company as long as you were on your way..."

I closed my eyes, barely able to keep myself upright, and tried to tell me, that this couldn't be the truth. It must not be the truth.

"Something wrong?" I heard Silas ask while totally caught within my thoughts.

I already feared the worst and it took me some effort not to show it. So, I just tried to get rid of those dark visions, shook my head and replied: "Everything's fine." I beheld the giant by my side and repeated: "Really! Everything's fine."

With it, I turned round and returned to the camp.

When I reached Kronos' tent, I felt my heart beating up to my throat. This time, there would be no way back. The thought of having lost Esther to Kronos after I had already lost Cassandra to him, seemed that unbearable to me that I did not even dare to think about it. Angry about my own stupidity and thinking about the pain she must have suffered, caused tears welling up within my eyes. I wiped them away, unwilling to let them cool down my mind or to give my feelings away. It was not yet time, neither for mourning nor for being afraid of what was possibly waiting for me.

I did not ask for permission or if I was welcome when I entered Kronos' tent, I just rushed in.

Kronos was not alone. I found him and one of his slave girls tightly embraced amongst the sheets, but he didn't need long to sense my presence and broke their amorous play the same moment. The girl wanted to cover her nakedness, but I wasn't willing to grant her that favor. Within a split second I felt my blade within my hand and said to her in a harsh voice: "Get along with you! This is just between your master and me!" Her fearful gaze searched for mine and Kronos' by turns and I added: "Take your clothes and pack off! Get out! Now!"

She did not hesitate any longer, grasped her clothes and sneaked out of the tent as fast as she was able to. As soon as she was gone, I heard Kronos laugh: "Bravo, brother, what an impressive entrance! I did not expect you to be back that soon."

"We all do err for the first time sooner or later. Prepare for getting used to it."

"Tell me, there's a reason, why you're that upset? Is it because you want the girl? One word would have been enough..."

"Too much honour! No! Keep her! She's worth her master."

"So, it's not about the girl then? Well, what else could be the reason for you rushing in here and disturbing me? Must be important to you, huh?"

Kronos sat up and beheld me, lurking, waiting, calculating, if I would really dare to challenge him. The blade within my hand suddenly felt heavy and less helpful, but it was the only thing able to prevent me from losing my head.

A vague hope...

I knew that I would lose, if I would get forced to fight against Kronos, but the same applied to me, if I would betray Esther. No, I had nothing left, but this vague hope and I pleaded inwardly it may not deceive me.

"Well then, Methos, again, if it's not for the girl, what else led you here at this hour?" His gaze fixed on me intently, he grasped for a goblet of wine standing on a small table next to his bed: "If you want to talk about your little excursion and all you found out – there's enough time to talk about it, tomorrow..."

"That's, in fact, pleasing, that we agree about this, brother, but", I slowly shook my head: "I'm neither interested in those plans you may have for us nor in all those plans you may have for those settlements out there."

"Not? You astonish me! Go on then. What else could it be?"

"Where is she?"

"Who?"

"Esther!"

Kronos burst out laughing: "Let me tell you something, Methos", he rolled round on his bed until he came to lie on his back, while even-minded staring at the ceiling: "You should surcease getting attached to your slaves that deeply. They are kind of a nice amusement and nothing else but that. Something, you should relish as long as it is delicious and then forget about it."

"She's not my slave!"

"She's not?" His words were filled with merriment when he went on: "So, tell me then, what else is she to you then? You don't want to tell me that she has a meaning to you, don't you?" I lowered my gaze, not able to give him a reply and the same moment, I learned that this was not even necessary. Kronos already knew: "Damn, brother, as it seems it's true. You love her! If I would not see you standing here in front of me right now, I would not believe it, but as it turns out there are still some things I do not know about you..."

"Where is she?"

"Worry not, brother, she's still alive, if that's what troubles you." Kronos got up, remained standing a blade length away from me and added while he kept taps on every reaction I might show him: "Well, maybe I'm not that subtle and patient as you are, but I can assure you, I relished her too much to harm her. Soft skin, hot temper, sweet lips. Shall I go on? No? It's just a pity that this beauty isn't immortal. She would be worth to be, worth to be kept for a lifetime..."

"Why Esther? You have more than enough concubines!"

"Methos, tell me, if there's something you may have missed?"

"What would that be?"

"You change! First Cassandra, now this little mortal wildcat. As it seems your thoughts are less often than usual where they are supposed to be. Possible or not?"

"Possible!" I replied sarcastically: "It's possible, that I've enough of wading ankle deep in blood; it's possible, that the smell of fear and death just starts to cause me nausea after all those years; and, yes, it is possible, that I can imagine a life far away from you and this camp..."

"Idle talk, I name it!" Kronos wiped my concern away: "Nothing but a musing..."

"Maybe, maybe not, but you still haven't answered my question..."

"I've no idea where you can find your little nomad girl. Try with Caspian! She'd be a match for his unpredictable temper. Or she could have jumped down the cliffs. Who knows? C'mon, brother, come to terms with it. She's nothing different from all those slaves we shared before. Forget about her. You'll feel much better afterwards."

"Do you really believe in your words?" I lowered the sword and made some steps towards him: "What makes you that sure you know me? Because, you name me brother? Because, my strategies are leading you to your many pleasures? I can ensure you, you know nothing about me. With Cassandra, I failed, but, trust me, I won't make such a mistake again. You're an immortal, brother, of course, you are, but even your head just sits on a narrow neck..."

"Are you really convinced, you could beat me in a fight to death?" Kronos grinned: "That, my dear Methos, I doubt, because, I know at least one reason which will stand in your way with it. You think too much, you're regaining your conscience and you started to feel for your slaves. All this is befogging your senses. You better concentrate on the marrow." He paused and scanned my face: "Come to terms with it! Even if you would want it, you would not be able to beat me. You're much too attached to your life to risk your head and you're very well aware, that one single strike would be enough to separate you from both – your life and your head. You're too much afraid of the idea, that I could be the one who might anticipate you. That is, why you let it happen that I took Cassandra! And that is, why I had been able to relish your pretty mortal nomad..." His grin died away and he went on: "Dare challenging me and you will learn what else I will do to your girl, besides taking her to my bed...while I'll have you watching..."

I knew this to be the truth. If I would dare to fight against him, I would have lost already. Therefore, I placed my sword back to my belt and looked straight into Kronos' eyes: "Well then, brother, you're right. I'm attached to my head, I'm attached to my life. But from now on you should never feel all too certain about me."

I felt his measuring gaze within my back when I turned round, ready to leave, when I heard him telling me: "Methos! No matter where you'll hide, I will always know where to find you..."