CHAPTER X

"Poison with every drop of pleasure"

(A Spy in the House of Love, Anaïs Nin)

A gaze is burning my skin

and caresses me to death

I need the relief

of your presence around me

Because I cannot go on

and we both know it

and it consumes us so

Years later, looking back, Wendy often wondered what her life could have been like, had that fateful evening never happened. At the time, it had seemed to her like she'd sealed her fate – easily misled by a tantalizing wish and a devilish gaze.

Deep down, she knew she could never fall in love with a blazing fire. But she also knew that she had been the very one to light it.

Wendy opened her eyes to the soft morning light making its way around the edges of heavy curtains. The comforting haze surrounding her dulled her waking senses, but she soon understood that if it hadn't been for the warm body laid against her, she'd be shivering for her lack of clothes.

She turned her head to a mass of tangled black hair. The contours of a face, the stubble of a cheek. A soft, regular breathing.

Raising herself as gently as she could, afraid of seeing those eyelids flutter open – it was too soon, too soon to talk to him, to confront their actions – Wendy remained silent for a moment. Watching, still grasping the fact she could contemplate him in such a vulnerable state – harmless, it would seem – almost too human to her eyes.

It was when she quietly slid off the large couch, when she bent to gather her disarrayed clothes, that the unavoidable wave of feelings overwhelmed her.

Guilt. Shame, perhaps.

As if it would help to keep the disgust away, she threw on her clothes as fast as she could – a thin barrier against the harsh reality of the daytime.

It had all seemed so evident yesterday, in the secretiveness of the evening. But contrary to the complicity of the moon, the sun rays seemed bent on shedding light on all that was wrong with the scene.

There. The plain truth was this; she had slept with her professor – had stepped over that thin red line that separated the expectations placed on her from her deepest desires. This was now the time for disillusions; this was the point where she would soon realize she had been a dazzled girl, blinded by venomous promises that tasted like heaven. And this guilt, creeping inside her heart, making its way into her head, did it come from the fact she betrayed all of those who thought her so pure? Or from the fact she had betrayed her own self?

He had been everything, everything she yearned for. He had been this dark figure, whose authority and restraint had kindled even darker wishes of transgression, of sinful temptation. Now that it had all come to fruition, what was left of this feared and adored man? Had she stripped him of his power, by taking his hand and following him through the looking-glass?

There he lay, unsuspecting of the thoughts that shone upon her. Perhaps she was scared of facing him now that what they both wanted had been sealed in time. Perhaps she was scared of seeing him as he really was, and discover that she had been fooled by an image of her own making. Yes, in truth, she was afraid. And it was too much to bear.

Advancing through the open kitchen door, she made her way to the sink and turned the faucet on, adjusted the water to the coldest temperature. Splashing some on her livid face helped slowing down the wild rush of thoughts tumbling in her head, and as she raised herself once again, she could at least think straight.

Gathering the last of her things that laid unceremoniously on the corridor floor, she soon faced the front door, ready to head out and make a quick escape. He'd understand… She'd think about how to deal with it all later, but now, now, she had to get away from him before… –

"Leaving so soon?"

Her hand, already on the handle, trembled slightly while she froze in her steps. She closed her eyes, slowly, once, before opening them again. The solid wood of the door stood between herself and the outside world, and it seemed harder than ever to find the will to pull it open. She licked her dry lips, and – "I do hope you understand my reasons".

She thought she heard a sigh, before the creak of the couch as he stood up – she half-turned her head, instinctively following the sound, and could make out his long body stretching down to grasp his clothes on the floor –

"I am afraid so." For a second, Wendy felt almost relieved. Yes, perhaps this man and herself understood each other much better than most. She found herself both hoping and fearing that he would let her go without wanting to give her a reason to stay… But his next words stirred the blood into her frozen frame. "You cannot stomach the done deed now it's over, can you? The second you got what you wanted, you realized it was too difficult to take responsibility for your actions."

Wendy clenched her fists and bit her tongue – so he was bent on making her regret this? It seemed her spark of anger had gone unnoticed, for he continued. "Or maybe this whole business was just an excuse for you to scratch an itch, to help to get rid of a schoolgirl-like curiousness? So you can now get back on track, because heaven forbid I distract you any more from your perfect little goals, from your well-ordered life!" Hook allowed anger to seep from the cracks of his usual cold mask, and she felt a different kind of shiver run along her skin. He now threw on his shirt and stepped towards her, until he stood inches from her back. Slipping his hand under her hair, gripping her a little tighter than he should have, he tilted her head to the side, so he could bend and whisper in her ear his last few words, tainted with the bitterness of a man once betrayed: "Now run on, scaredy-cat. I hope this memory will sustain you for a few more years before you settle into righteousness. You may think you're too good for me – but know you played a part, too, in using me to get what you wanted."

She snapped, turning around to face him, all shame, guilt and fear gone from her.

"How dare you. How dare you, James Hook, to act like the wounded party here. Do not, I warn you, try and make me believe I had planned any of this. You would delude yourself into thinking I'm a poor, harmless thing who idly toyed with an idea and made it a game to go after it. You know it never was a game. You must know how hard it was for me – yes, and much harder than it was for you! How I denied myself again and again! If I played a part, then so did you, and more masterfully than me. And yet, you cannot see why I was leaving? Are you blind to my fear – yes, my fear of facing, not the consequences, but you, triumphant and full of yourself, having made your claim at last? My fear of discovering I was never more than a mere conquest to be made? I understand you pride yourself in studying the finest works of literature, then read and understand this: my position is much weaker than yours, having no status in this world, no powerful friends to defend me – nothing but a historical prejudice against my own sex to undermine me, whenever I step off of that 'righteousness' which you so belittle. So look at me in the eye, Hook, I dare you, and tell me just exactly how I hurt you. Because the single most hurtful thing you can get from me is an adieu."

Hook did not move as she uttered those last words, her knuckles white and her heart beating violently in her chest. But she saw his face, so composed, so controlled, collapse for just one second – and that was enough for her.

She remained, motionless, waiting. Trying to cool down her anger. Keeping her hands at her sides, where they would remain until he said something. And finally, he did.

"Perhaps you want me to tell you why, Wendy? Why I put you through this ordeal in the first place? It is simple. I did not want to claim you – as you so finely put it – when I first saw you. Oh, no. I was reminded of all those years when you, and your precious Peter, made my life a little harder to bear everyday. You, at that time, got away with it. Of course you did. You were a charming child. A manipulating child. So yes, when I knew I had sparked desire in you – me, who loathed you just as much as I did back then! – I knew I had my revenge. And, despite your worst opinions of me, I did not want to take advantage of it. No… not at first. Seeing you torture yourself about it all was enough for me. Until it wasn't. You did what you did best, perhaps without knowing it; your inherent talent for manipulation must come to you without realizing it…"

He paused, observing Wendy's face, livid with consternation. For a minute, he was transfixed – her darkened eyes, her heavy breathing. Slowly, he raised a hand to her face, and murmured. "How long can one resist these longing looks, these languid sighs? Even me…"

For a second, he almost forgot everything. Wendy thought she heard a sigh, and observed, pinned down by the sheer force of his being, so close, so tempting, so tempted. His gaze fell on her lips, and she held her breath as he leaned in…

But he withdrew his hand, and she missed that loss of contact, despite everything. "Even me", Hook carried on, "who had been made miserable by your cruel heart years ago, was made miserable once again, for the same reasons – though not with the same scenario. And what was the point of pretending I did not yearn for more? You, too, were on the brink of insanity. So I may have gotten what I wanted, but, doing so, I gave you what you wanted as well. Never forget, Wendy, that it was you who wanted me first. Never forget that."

For a moment, she knew there was some honesty behind these foul remarks. But, despite these few truths, she couldn't let him win. She would not let him believe his actions were that of an honorable man, righting a wrong. Wendy found back her voice, fueled by outrage and disregard.

"I know what you are doing, James Hook. I will not be twisted around to pity you, to join you in your vindication of women, who, according to you, only have their charms to defend themselves for their whole life – I am impressed that you found I possessed these traits from my very childhood!" She sneered, her tone laced with sourness. "Had you been a good man, you would have done the right thing. You would have ignored me, just as you easily ignore all these other girls who would trade their right hand for a night with you. But now I know how, and why you never gave a damn about any of these girls. You have no room in your heart for longing. It seems as though you only reason in terms of selfish revenge, of winning. How childish of you." She stepped away from him, finding power in the veracity of her accusation. "And so I was right. What I found this morning was nothing but a triumphant man, full of himself, pleased to have gotten a girl to share his bed, as though it helped him get a final revenge against what I represented as a child. But now I finally see you for what you are." She gave him a cold, hard look, with an iciness that caused Hook to restrain himself from stepping away. "I realize – there was no reason for me to be afraid. I do not mind anymore. No. Because you are the mislead party here. You will go on in your life thinking that is all there is to it – revenge and manipulation. Perhaps I do pity you after all." She looked at him, and hoped he got hit by these words harder than he allowed it to show. "Suppose I allowed you this hollow win. Suppose we both got what we wanted; you, a revenge, and me – a culmination. Do you even know where to go from now on? Or had you not planned that far ahead?"

A moment passed, as the intensity of their underlying fight retreating back into the distance. They had come to a standstill. He had revealed his intentions, she had chided him for his motivations, and they had both yielded to this pointless desire.

He took a step towards her, and she did not move away.

He took another step, and another. He was close to her, once again, and she couldn't help but close her eyes for longer than she ought to, enraptured by his presence. Despite it all, she remained electrified by his being. The blue of his eyes had almost drowned in the darkening of his look. He raised his hand, but stopped his motion before he touched her face, the frightening familiarity of it all unsettling the both of them.

"I know this," began Hook, his voice a hoarse whisper. "I know that what I feel around you is akin to a malicious hunger that cannot be satiated, gnawing at me day and night. That, as little as I know your hopes, your dreams, your expectations, your fears – anything that is precisely what makes you who you are… There must be something there, within you, within these secrets I have not yet been told, that inclines me to keep you, to feel you – to possess you… I am not looking for forgiveness for everything I've done to get to you, Wendy Darling, because despite everything, despite my loathing, my hatred, the awful truth is this: I am inexorably, irrevocably drawn to you." He closed the distance between them, murmuring his last words against her ear: "As I feel you are to me."

The weight of it all caused Wendy to fight back tears – of exhaustion, of frustration, of acceptance. Yes, he might have planned this much better than she could have, but he had not willed their attraction into the world by his own accord.

Neither of them did. Some greater force seemed to haunt them both.

"James…", she began, before turning her face away. She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes. But he finally closed the distance, placed his hand on her soft cheek, and wouldn't let go if she didn't look at him. So she felt her tears rolling down, and did not try to hide them. She was giving up entirely. And as she looked straight at him, he did not read weakness in her eyes. Only a stiff resolve, its force a hint of Wendy's true power. "Give me a reason. Show me that all these games, all this temptation, all this twisted mutual manipulation – show me that this wasn't meaningless." His gaze hardened, and she added, in a low, foreboding voice, barely a whisper – "Show me how much you want me."

And he did. Slowly, he leaned in – but did not kiss her. Tantalizing to the very end. Wrapping his arms around her, shutting his eyes, he seemed to abandon himself. The fight had exhausted him as well. Wendy could feel him breathing against her, and she trembled ever so slightly, perceiving the shadow of vulnerability behind it all. Softly, his hand found its way to her neck, where he placed his lips, and traced the pulse of her veins down. He went lower, and lower, just how he had done in the classroom, when they had first given in to each other. But this was different. This was not about making a claim. This was about revealing an adoration that made no sense in the world, this was about a mutual acceptance.

Despite their faults, despite the confused way they got to each other, there was a knowledge that only they shared. This knowledge which allowed them to reveal themselves without fear of judgment, without shame.

Reverently, he slid down her legs, and her clothes followed suit. But she did not have the time to feel the cold: he placed his hands on her, and kissed the top of her thigh before focusing his attentions on her clit – and she had to back against the wall to support herself.

Soon, she was panting and moaning hard as he moved his tongue up and down, his fingers feeling her wetness with a deferential expertise. Hook was tasting her, lapping with ardent vigor, moaning along with her. The privilege of relishing her sent him in a crazed fervor – nothing else mattered but the taste of her on his tongue. His eyes closed, he went on, losing himself in pure sensation, overwhelmed by the delight of her presence with him, her acceptance of him. And his acceptance of her. There was no need to pretend, there was no need for restraint: before long, Wendy had thrown her leg over his shoulder and was holding on to his jet black hair for dear life. Perhaps she had felt his own abandon, because she had done the same.

She came violently, screaming his name. But he didn't move away. Both dizzy and awakened by this overflow of sensations, she did not protest, and for a second she marveled at his devotion, for he had forgotten everything but her, her heavenly smell, her taste. He could not get enough, and renewed his attentions with frenzy and adoration. Wendy's moans pitched higher, and higher, as Hook's tongue worked faster – until he sucked in, sharply, and she was undone. Her nerves abandoned her entirely and she let a silent scream escape her reddened lips.

Barely comprehending who she was or where she was, she came down as Hook moved away from her. When he looked up at her, his eyes dark with excitation and desire, she read a silent promise in them.

Hook stood up and placed a kiss on her lips – she tasted herself on them, but she couldn't find it repulsive in any way, this was natural, this was everything –, before burying his face against her neck, trying to still his fast-beating heart. Wendy's own heart felt weak as she leaned in into his embrace, closing her eyes and breathing in.

They remained there for a moment, complete. Nothing else needed to be said. It would be ridiculous to try and name this, Wendy thought. So she relinquished herself to the glow this nameless thing, and hoped it would last.

Won't you look at that! I'm reviving the corpse of a fanfiction that has been dead for four years. Not sure it will work, but here's the first jolt anyway.

The reason for my absence: this story was only ever written as a self-indulgent study on desire and longing. And where to go when desire has been satiated? Simply in a different direction, I realized after having taken enough distance with this text.

After having longed for Hook for so long, Wendy will now get to come to terms with the imbalance of their relationship (hence the proper 19th-century heroine speech I just gave her). But also, don't worry – there's still plenty of room for heated moments between the two…

I hope you can forgive me for coming back so late, and that you won't be disappointed with this new chapter! I realize my style may have changed after having stopped writing for so long, so it might feel a little different from the previous chapters.

Don't hesitate to leave a comment if you liked it!

As always, thank you for reading,

– VelvetGoldie