Chapter 10.

Isane made Asagi lie down on the bed and took care of her bandage. She asked her several questions, about the pain and discomfort of her injury. But most of the lesions had been taken care of, so Asagi didn't specifically complain. All she had to do was rest to fully recover, at least for her physical health.

However, Asagi confessed one thing to Isane. She was afraid of the next few nights... She knew she would have trouble getting to sleep. So, she asked Isane if it was possible to take sleeping pills for the next few days.

The lieutenant seemed to weigh the pros and cons for a moment.

"Komorebi-san I'm not sure that's the solution..."

"I know but... I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep in the next few days. If you could at least give it to me until the funeral that would help me a lot."

Isane remained silent.

"I'll talk to Unohana-Taicho about it, but I won't promise you anything."

Asagi sighed in relief.

"Thanks," she whispered.

"Someone is going to bring you a meal soon. Take the opportunity to rest afterwards, and if you are not too tired, you can have visitors this afternoon."

"Hai, thank you again."

Finding herself alone in the bedroom, Asagi looked out of the window. She really hoped that the sleeping pills would be granted to her. No doubt she would have nightmares but she didn't want to deal with them now… It was cowardly of her, she knew it, but spending three or four days without sleep did not inspire her much. Last night had been calm thanks to the effect of the anesthesia, but it was a nightmare that had woken her up. She had insisted on going to see Sentomaru a few rooms away, a way for her to make sure that he was still alive and well, unlike the students in her nightmare…

Thinking about the discussion she had with her student, she came to think to Kensei, which made her smile. Always so kind… But then she came to Tetsuya which scowled her. Sitting on her bed, she brought her knees closer to her chest and wrapped her arms around them in a protective gesture.

Thirty years, she had managed to avoid him all these years, and now he landed again. The though made her retch. What she could hate this period of her life… She hugged her knees as she recalled certain memories. Disgust and shame washed over her. Her breathing quickened, she began to suffocate.

"Asagi?"

Shirotaka's voice echoed in his head. Like a flash in her mind, he dispelled the dark memories that tormented her.

Asagi didn't answer right away. She realized that they hadn't spoken to each other since the hollow's attack. She blamed herself… She readjusted her position on the bed and began to meditate. She owed some explanations to her zanpakuto so she might as well have a face to face discussion. She closed her eyes.

When she opened them again, she was sitting on the porch of a traditional Japanese house. From where she was, she saw an open clearing bordered by a forest. The whole landscape was covered with snow. In the distance she could see high mountains also covered with snow. The sky was partially clear which lit the place with a soft light. Asagi sighed in relief. This landscape was always so pleasant to watch, and even though she was sitting outside, she wasn't cold. She was even cradled by a soft warmth that spread throughout her body. She felt so good after her little panic attack.

"You feel better ?" resounded a man's voice.

Asagi turned his head to the railing. A white hawk was perched on it. Asagi gazed into the bird's frosty blue eyes.

"Thanks Shirotaka," she wispered.

The bird seemed to turn its head in disapproval. He then leapt forward as if to take flight and materialized in human form in front of Asagi. Only the frosty blue eyes remained. The man was wearing a leather helmet on black hair and some white streaks. The helmet was part of a light leather armor in feudal fashion but which gave it great freedom of movement. Below, he wore clothes of gray color. His boots were brown in color, matching the armor; and high to protect it from snow.

After staring at Asagi for a while, he finished by say "I can't believe this guy still has that effect on you…"

Asagi lowered her head and began to grind her hands. Shirotaka watched her do it. He knew it was stronger than her. The terror Tetsuya inspired in her hadn't gone away, even after all this time. He walked loosely over to her and sat down next to her, then placed one of his gloved hands on hers.

"You don't have to be afraid of him anymore, you know."

"I know," she huffed. "It's just that, I blame myself so much for being so naive. Besides, I still wonder if I made the right decision."

Shirotaka refrained from sighing. "You saved the whole team by doing this," he reminded her.

"Yes but he continues his traffic! I have the impression of being his accomplice by letting him do it…" She paused. "I disgust myself," she finished.

Shirotaka's hand tightened around Asagi's.

"Asagi, you are in no way his accomplice. He cheated on you. He fooled us," he said more gravely. "Remember that he ended up blackmailing you and that it was because of him that you lost your place in the 1st division. He gave you no choice…"

Asagi was silent. It was not the first time they had spoken of Tetsuya after her departure from the 1st Division. Many nightmares had haunted her first nights, and little by little they had diminished. Thinking about it, she realized that they had dissipated as she took pleasure in being a teacher. Getting into the Academy was ultimately the best thing that had happened to her since becoming a shinigami.

"Thank you Shirotaka, she breathed after a while, I'm fine now."

He nodded.

She then added "And sorry about yesterday, with the hollow. I acted without asking your opinion…"

At least the subject is on, she thought. They had not spoken to each other since the day before. Asagi wanted to apologize.

Shirotaka didn't answer right away. Asagi waited for his verdict. She suspected he hadn't liked it.

"The next time you have a suicide plan like this, you forget about it. Clear?"

The reply made Asagi smile.

"I'm serious Asagi," Shirotaka said. "I thought he was going to kill you. And all I could do was watch…"

She put her hand on his shoulder.

"Promised, she said sincerely."

She rested her head on his shoulder. As for him, he shook his head then hugged her.

"What am I going to do with you…" he whispered.

She giggled. They were reconciled.

Shirotaka hesitated to tease her about the captain but changed his mind. It might not be the best time. Beside him, he felt Asagi's thoughts turn to his students and the next few days to follow. He no longer felt she was afraid but sad.

He tightened his embrace. It's going to be fine, he thought. But he didn't say those words out loud knowing that they wouldn't matter given the situation.

When Asagi sensed that someone had entered her room, she broke her meditation. As Isane had told her, a member of the 4th division came to bring her a meal. Not being too hungry, she just nibbled a few things. The calm that reigned in the division was so favourable to a nap that Asagi did not resist long.

She was awakened by the whisper of a conversation. When she opened her eyes, she saw Megumi and their director, seated in the two armchairs in the bedroom. They were chatting quietly but quickly, they realized that Asagi had just woken up.

She sat up on the bed.

"Kairyuu-senpai, Megumi ... Sorry to keep you waiting."

"No need to apologize Komorebi-san," Kairyuu replied. "Isane-Fukutaïcho told us to settle down here but we should have waited outside so as not to wake you up."

"Glad to see you," Asagi told them straight in the eye.

They both froze in front of their colleague's emotional gaze. Megumi moved closer to her and sat down on the edge of the bed facing her.

"How are you feeling?"

"It's okay," she said without elaborating.

Asagi looked up at his superior. She was on the verge of tears now.

"Kairyuu-senpai, I…"

The latter not being fooled, understood immediately that she was angry with herself.

"I talked to Nobu-san when he get back. You did all you could Komorebi-san. No doubt you saved all the students you could. As for those who unfortunately left us," he paused, "they were already dead when you noticed the hollow. You couldn't have done anything more."

His tone was firm, without appeal. He didn't want her torturing her mind to know what she might or might not have done. So, he chose to be direct with her right now. Megumi put a hand on her shoulder.

"He's right Asagi. You did everything you could."

"But I could have…"

"Komorebi-san, whether you like it or not, it's the truth. And I ask you not to question that. Imagine the reaction of parents if they heard your words, that you could have saved their child but you didn't…"

"Kairyuu-senpai," Megumi whispered, shocked.

His superior maintained a determined gaze.

Megumi worried about Asagi's reaction. She saw her lower her head and bite her lip.

Everyone remained silent until Yumeki Kairyuu spoke again. "Far be it from me to make you uncomfortable Komorebi-san. I understand what you may be feeling. However, what is done is done and nothing can change it. And I do not want to see you reproach yourself for it. What happened is the fault of this hollow and no one else. I do not blame you for the deaths of these students. On the contrary, I am grateful to you for ensuring that there are no more victims."

The remark made Asagi look up. How can he be grateful to me? she thought. I failed in my task as a teacher, I had to protect these students…

"I know you will have a hard time coming to terms with the situation in the next few days," Kairyuu said, "however it is a stage that we all have to go through at this time of mourning. So, take your time and don't hesitate to come see me if you need anything. The Academy will remain closed until Tuesday when the funeral takes place, but I don't want to see you for two weeks."

Asagi opened her mouth to protest but Kairyuu didn't give her the chance.

"Two complete weeks! This is also the period that I gave to Nobu-san and all the students and teachers who were there. Once these two weeks have passed, I count on you to be their support, just as they will be for you. But for now, take some time for yourself. Sanori-san?"

"Yes?" Megumi replied.

"Can I count on you to keep Komorebi-san resting? And if you ever see her at the Academy in the next few days, take her back to the exit."

"Hai Kairyuu-senpai," said Megumi.

"Well, with that, I'm leaving. I count on you to rest Komorebi-san."

Then after a nod to each of them, he left.

Megumi then turned to Asagi. Not sure what to say to her, she just rubbed her shoulder.

"It's going to be fine," she told her.

"Thanks for being here Megumi."

Megumi took her in her arms.

"Were you able to see Sentomaru-kun? How is he doing?" she asked her after a while.

"Physically it's okay. It's his morale that worries me. I plan to go see him while I'm here," Asagi replied.

In front of her closed face, Megumi grew suspicious.

"There is something else that worries you…"

"Tetsuya came to see me," Asagi hissed.

Megumi was speechless.

"The Tetsuya you told me about?"

Asagi nodded.

"What did he want?"

"I'm not sure… Certainly see if I was not already dead…" said Asagi shrugging.

"But did you talk to him?"

"No, I was with Muguruma-Taïcho. They talked together. I was too in a panic to say anything anyway… I think he sensed my unease right away, that's why he started the conversation for me. But he ended up telling him about a list of visitors, that Tetsuya had to register on it to be allowed to see me…

Beside her, Megumi chuckled.

"What?" Asagi asked.

"Dear, there is no list for visits. I think it was only an excuse for Tetsuya to leave."

I'll have to think about thanking that brave captain, Megumi thought.

Asagi looked at her in surprise. Megumi smirked.

"I think you've found yourself a guardian angel," she said with a mischievous little air.

The remark made Asagi blush.

"No way, he just reminded Tetsuya of the usual procedure."

"You believe that?"

Asagi hid her face in his hands.

"Megumi stop it, it's too embarrassing."

"Haha very well. But I'm warning you, it's only postponed," she said with a wink.

"Yeah we'll see that."

Asagi moved on to a lighter subject and she was grateful to Megumi for not talking about Kensei again. The two of them chatted for a while until a member of the 4th Division came to take Megumi out, visiting time being over.

"See you tomorrow!" Megumi said as she left.

Later that evening, Asagi saw Lieutenant Isane. She put a packet of medicine on her bedside table.

"Unohana-Taicho is okay with sleeping pills, but only until Tuesday," she added. "Then you will have to do without. She would also like to see you again next week to see how you are. I think it is also important that you talk about what you have been through with someone, friend, colleague. But don't hesitate to ask me if that's not enough."

She gave Asagi a kind smile.

"Thank you, Isane-Fukutaïcho," replied Asagi.

Over the next few days, Asagi visited her student who was a few rooms away from hers and received a visit from Megumi. The latter kept her informed of events outside the 4th Division because Asagi did not yet have permission to leave, not until Monday, the day before the funeral. Isamu Nobu also visited her. They discussed the incident for a long time. They had not seen each other since and Asagi felt that it did him a lot of good, to him as well as to her. For his part, he hadn't wanted to talk too much about it, so discussing it with Asagi, who had been present, comforted him. No one else could have understood what he was feeling, his grief, his dismay, his guilt.

For Asagi, Isamu's visit had also been a relief, a kind of therapy. She had always had a great bond with her colleague. He had been her guide during the first years at the Academy. Today he was her confidant and both found the comfort they were looking for when they put words into what they had been through.

The day she left 4th Division, Megumi picked her up and took her home. Asagi had hoped to see Kensei before she returned home but she did not see him.

However, Asagi had other concerns in mind that the absence of the captain turned into disappointment.

During her stay, Asagi had agreed with Megumi to spend the night in her apartment to go to the funeral together the next day. They spent the day talking about everything and nothing, cooking, just to keep busy and not to think too much about the ceremony. And in the evening, Asagi took the last sleeping pill that Captain Unohana had given her. After a while, she slipped into a deep sleep, without dreams and especially without nightmare.