Sakuragi figured himself a sensible man, and he has been through enough quandaries to sense when a situation is far from salvageable. This was perhaps one of those situations. But as he lay here, preoccupied in the thought of what tomorrow may bring, he couldn't help but suppress his desire to change his circumstance. But how selfish an act would then seem for him to now wish for Rukawa remaining in Kanagawa, a contrast of how in the past few weeks where he decidedly wanted and waited on Rukawa's departure. He imagined how it would be if they had never confronted or spoke that night. What would they become if he hadn't agreed to spare him a moment if he hadn't taken Youhei's advice that night? Surely, they would then forever be at bitter peace with each other. Peace, he asked himself. Perhaps not. For if they had remained as ignorant to each other then they would have never realized how much attachment and fondness remains between them. But was knowing even worth it now that they have to inevitably let go?
The hours have afforded him the opportunity, although quick, to be with Rukawa. It was easy to blame time but had they just talked instead of dancing around each other so avoidantly then perhaps regrets may be spared. He curled himself still, in a position that would feel most comforting. Yet, nothing helps in ending the incessant flurry of emotion that is brewing inside of him.
"Tonight…" he mumbled. "Rukawa leaves tonight." After a momentary pause, Sakuragi raised himself up and off the bed, dressing into his white shirt blue jeans. As if on cue, two knocks sounded against the door and Youhei entered in carrying a plastic bag filled with food of various kinds.
"Yo, Hanamichi, breakfast is here."
The sound of Youhei's cheerful tone lifted his spirit slightly. Sakuragi received his friend in as much normalcy he could muster but Youhei being as observant and attuned to Sakuragi's different moods caught the apparent sadness in his voice. Youhei suspected the subject of Rukawa weighs heavily on Sakuragi's mind and before he could start to ask, Sakuragi was already venting to him every detail that took place that night with Rukawa. No point was spared for he related to Youhei every word, every scene and every emotion with much enthusiasm. Youhei listened to Sakuragi tentatively as he often does.
They sat down and started on their meals and this is when Youhei said, "Have you and Rukawa decided what happens from now on?" Sakuragi sat silent and replied, "Yeah, nothing happens from now on. Rukawa and I stay as we are and there is nothing more to it."
Youhei raised an eyebrow, surprised at the change in perception. He was certain from the way he vented at length for his fondness for the other boy that his preference for Rukawa still remains, he can only imagine the conversation that took place that would lead him to betray his feelings again.
"So, you're okay that he leaves?"
Taking a sip from the soda, the redhead nodded. Youhei of course does not believe him and thinks he tries to avoid the question. That is not something uncharacteristic of Sakuragi Hanamichi. "So, you are okay that you will not see him again?" Youhei asked again, determined to get a reply. Sakuragi jerks slightly from Youhei's assumptions then as calmly as he could, proceeded to satisfy him with a reply. "Even if I am not okay with it, it's not like I can do anything about it," said Sakuragi as he set his chopsticks on his empty bowl. "Just because we talked does not mean everything is fine." He added. Youhei understands this and he looks at Sakuragi considerately as Sakuragi tries to make a mature and sensible decision. He, more than anyone knows that in life, things are not always ideal. And really, Youhei is in awe of how much Sakuragi tries to make a decision that most people would think appropriate. However, being his close friend and the only person who is able to persuade someone as stubborn as Sakuragi, he chose to question him further.
"What does Rukawa thinks of this?"
Sakuragi paused before replying, "Nothing which means he probably thinks its right to leave where it is."
"Probably," Youhei emphasized. "You don't know that for sure. Why don't you find out and make sure both of you are on the same page before someone starts sulking again."
"Nah,"
At this, Youhei sighed heavily and said, "Hanamachi, tell me honestly, what do you want? Do you just want to forget about everything? Rukawa? Now that you know how he feels and you know how you feel, are you really going to just pretend that nothing happens?" Youhei studies Sakuragi's expression carefully, ensuring that his appearance expressed his words. Sakuragi hesitates and casts his gaze downwards to avoid Youhei's heavy condemnation. As much as the censure from Youhei was every bit true, Sakuragi wouldn't dare to think to come in between Rukawa and his career, not out of his own selfishness. He knows he has no right to do so, he has no right to act selfishly and beg for him to stay. He knows, if it were him in America, he would want to focus on what really matters to him. Youhei broke the lengthy silence by declaring that he takes Sakuragi's silence as confirmation and acceptance that Sakuragi indeed wanted more from Rukawa and although noble his sacrifice, it hurts him to see that he rather wallows in heartache than not affirming to Rukawa Kaede what he secretly feels and want. Sakuragi alluded to this but explains that he too feels guilty over the ache he had caused Rukawa unknowingly and believes that this decision will be better for both of their future. Now, Sakuragi assures Youhei that they can move on peacefully.
"It will be okay, it's fine. He's going back to America anyway." Sakuragi reassures again, but the tremble in his voice conceals much of its betrayal. Youhei remained unconvinced but doesn't press the matter further.
Rukawa was in the process of packing for his departure tonight when he was distracted by a knock on his door. "Kaede, you have a visitor." His mother called out from the other side of the door. Rukawa heart stopped, suspecting that it might be Sakuragi just behind the door, endeavour to see him one last time. As he proceeded to open the door, he was surprised to find Mito Youhei standing in front of him. "Yo, Rukawa, sorry to come by so suddenly. I hope you don't mind, I just want to talk." Youhei apologized, bowing lightly out of politeness. Still taken aback by the sudden visit, Rukawa stood still then immediately returned the gesture of civility before inviting him into his room. Youhei remained close to the door and Rukawa sat on his bed, the distance between them could not have made it more clear to anyone how awkward it must be. The air is tense as it had been years that they have initiated any sort of conversation privately. The last time a similar scene had occurred, it was because Youhei, being the friend that he is to Sakuragi was worried about him and wanted to know for himself how true were his confession and feelings towards Sakuragi and to threaten him should he be anything but serious. Rukawa supposes that notion is still very much true as he suspects the reason for his visit today was of similar motives.
"I hope I am not being forward by asking," Youhei began, "How do you see your relationship with Hanamichi now?" Rukawa smiles at the question, relieved that his suspicions to be true. He finds it amiable and thinks Sakuragi fortunate to have a friend as caring as Youhei.
"I don't think anything will change between us," Rukawa replied. From the way Youhei's eyebrows now narrow at his response, he fears he might have given a disagreeable answer.
"What? You too?" Youhei nearly pales. "Maybe you two are on the same page for once." Youhei could laugh at how ironic the circumstance has become.
Rukawa gave a nonchalant shrug, "I think I have given him enough trouble."
"I think so too," said Youhei in haste. "You should know that even after you left, he blames himself."
"I know," returned Rukawa.
"No, I don't think you know the extent of it." Youhei insisted.
" That guy, he can be pretty selfless. He thinks he's done enough damage but seems to think so highly of you." Youhei added, though in an unsatisfied manner. "He really was a fool in love."
Rukawa couldn't help but feel his heart excited over this fact.
"Listen Rukawa, I know I may be overdoing it here since you know, you and Sakuragi decide to go your separate ways. But I came here because I am just concern and I just want to understand. I have nothing against you, at least not anymore but I came here…I just never knew your side of the story. I know you're not the kind of person to fool around, at least not without reason."
Rukawa is amazed at how positive Youhei perceived him even though he had been so disparagingly negative towards his friend.
"I was confused and scared."
Youhei glance at Rukawa and acknowledge the revelation of his confession.
"Eh…the mighty and fearless basketball ace Rukawa Kaede, scared?" Youhei teased, instantly making Rukawa flush red.
"Scared of what? Feelings?"
Rukawa nodded and in a low tone said, "how strong it is."
The declaration silences them both, Rukawa for how honest the confession feels and Youhei for how unexpected it is.
"I came back because I—"
"regretted your decision." Youhei supplied, to which Rukawa stared in amazement, perplexed by his bluntness. Rukawa opened his mouth to try and explain that it was more to do with his indifference to his feelings but he could only keep silent and agree.
"I understand Hanamichi can be a little…intense. I know he can be complicated sometimes but it was hard being Hanamichi's friend and seeing him being the way he was, I didn't know if he was going to be okay. You know how it is with Hanamichi, he forgets he expresses his emotions so boldly and transparently sometimes."
Rukawa nodded considerately but feelings of guilt well up inside him at the state he left Sakuragi in those years of absence. He spared Youhei the truth of his initial reasons for his concluding his relationship to Sakuragi. Although he knows better now and that his initial perceptions of the matter have drastically changed, he couldn't admit to anyone, not even to Youhei that he started everything with one lie. His lie was so fixed in his mind in the past that he was convinced, above all else, that the righteousness of his actions will undoubtedly outweigh the burden of his emotion. Had he any sense, it would save Sakuragi any form of pain and Rukawa, any level of deceit.
"I didn't mean to hurt him." And that was the truth. Rukawa felt he has nothing more to give on the situation than for Sakuragi's happiness. Youhei, pleased with this response, softens his expression at the other. "Yeah, but you did," Youhei replied to which Rukawa shamefully hang his head, avoiding Youhei's penetrating gaze.
The silence stretched between the two with the both of them respectively buried in their thoughts before Youhei said: "If you had the same feeling for Hanamichi as you do about basketball then probably it would be easier right? " Youhei had meant it in a light-hearted way but Rukawa took this sentiment seriously.
Rukawa considers Youhei's revelation, thinking back to the night of the party where they had revealed their share of misunderstandings and attachments towards each other. Never was he vulnerable as that night and it is ironic how it had occurred since the very point was to avoid such a scene in the first place. But he couldn't help himself, perhaps there was truth to Youhei's judgment and him regretting his decision were his feelings stemming more than guilt.
"To be honest, I did everything I can to protect him from you," said Youhei. "But, the more he stayed away, the more pain he feels. He wouldn't ever admit it since he's stubborn but he was dying to see you."
The revelation weighs heavy on his heart and Rukawa thought nothing except the consequences of his actions. 'He suffered a lot because of me." Thought Rukawa.
Rukawa realized as he sat and observed Youhei preoccupied in his concern for his friend that love and relationships are not so much trivial as he initially believed. Love, Rukawa thinks, in one of its purest and platonic forms is one that resembles Sakuragi and Youhei's relationship, an almost familial sort of love, one that Rukawa sometimes finds himself envious of. It is unconditional and a person could think of nothing but the wellbeing of the other person. There is meaning to going through the trouble of ensuring the integrity and goodness of a friend. This, Rukawa thinks, is significant. This level of concern for someone could be nothing more than the evidence of selflessness. It was at this moment that Rukawa thinks he witnessed the importance of love and the reasons to which people bother themselves so much with it. It was at this moment that he came to the understanding of his cowardice. All this time, he was decidedly avoiding his own heartbreak.
"But I guess, since you and Hanamichi agreed to go separate ways then It's fine. You'll each meet someone new." Youhei said.
Once Youhei said this, Rukawa's body recoiled. It occurred to him that he repulsed at the idea. He was now stuck with the revelation that years, decades or for however long it is could never make him insensible to the truth that he will always be pulled into the gravity that is Sakuragi Hanamichi. When he had asked his friend regarding the merit of love, his friend, with all the experience of a 16-year-old had merely appealed to its primitive aspects such as ' when you can't control yourself' or' getting turned on'. Love isn't that at all, not the real one anyway. It came to him slowly then all at once, his emotions and his thoughts became disordered with epiphany so much so that he felt the floor began to sway back and forth.
Does he still think relationship so insignificant? That night is proof enough as he bared all that his feelings allowed him, his perception on the trivialities of the heart has also, in the process, changed. At that moment, he didn't care anymore who was right, he didn't care anymore if he has to endure the hurt that their separation will inevitably bring, he will gladly suffer such pain graciously if that means he was able to live authentically, without pretence.
Time has never been as daunting as it was now. Every tick, every movement of the minute hand is anxiety all on its own and Sakuragi have never felt so aware of its presence as he does now. Sakuragi stared in trepidation as he stared solemnly towards the sky, the rich hues of red blended with oranges, purples and crimsons. Sunsets are universally thought to be breathtaking in its mood and surroundings, the way it is capable to embody the sheer power and promise of a new day but such beauty, like everything else are fleeting.
Sakuragi's heart weighs heavy tonight but he refused to entertain any thoughts that would bring him into a state of depression. If his 50 failed love confessions had taught him anything, it is that pain is temporary and someone else would come along when he least suspects it. He felt more at peace with this circumstance, and he understood Rukawa more now than he ever had. After wandering absent-mindedly through the streets, giving way to every variety of thought, reconsidering events, determining possibilities and reconciling with himself as well as he could to brace himself for the return of normalcy. This, he thinks, shouldn't be too hard despite the change of heart.
To relieve himself of the bittersweet pang he knows he will endure, he attempts to console himself the only way he knows how. With one deep breath, he began belting a disharmonious tune of "I am a genius basketball man" over and over, and its effects seem to work as he felt himself start to loosen up and his mood cheerful.
"You're too loud, do'ahou!"
Sakuragi came to an abrupt halt, his body tense as he turns rigidly to the owner of the voice.
"R-Rukawa…"
Rukawa walked towards Sakuragi in a confident yet serious stride and stopped at least 5 feet apart. The scene was reminiscent of the night 2 years ago and Rukawa couldn't think of anything else more ironic than this circumstance.
"What are you doing here kitsune?" exclaimed Sakuragi, "aren't you going back to America?"
"I am," answered Rukawa.
Sakuragi began feeling confused then carefully inquired, "Then, what are you--?"
"I am going to be honest with you right now, ahou, so listen.."
"Huh?"
" I ended it because I didn't understand my feelings," Rukawa began, "I realize, more than anything that I didn't want to lose. I didn't want to be weak... " Rukawa pauses and recovers himself before encouraging himself to continue, " But I end up losing and I became weak."
"Rukawa, Rukawa, I get it," exclaimed Sakuragi, waving his hand in an animated manner, "it's okay, I don't hate you anymore."
Rukawa only stepped forward closer and added, "I hate feeling vulnerable and you, with how you are, made me so vulnerable. It pissed me off."
Sakuragi looks at him but then immediately averted his eyes away from the alluring of Rukawa's gaze. Was Rukawa insulting him, it is difficult to tell.
"Idiot, if you're trying to insult --."
" I love you!" The words came out hastily but in a tremulous tone, he continued, "I love you. It's the truth this time." The words had felt heavy on the edge of his lips but once he released it, it felt natural and euphoric. He felt lighter because of it. Sakuragi's astonishment was beyond communication. He coloured, doubted and was silent.
"You're good enough. More than good enough, I just didn't show it. But if you give me a chance—-." Rukawa's expression softens as he said this and Sakuragi felt himself colouring at the declaration.
Sakuragi, whose expression now was one of embarrassment and surprise tried, despite himself to tame the warmness that now seeks to envelop his whole body.
The consequence of Rukawa's declaration threw Sakuragi in a flurry of emotional states. He wanted to excitedly run up and down the streets declaring his attachment for Rukawa Kaede, he wanted to refuse him and run back home as fast as he could. He wanted to scream into the endless void of the night sky. No action was too absurd for him to initiate in his current state. As Sakuragi stood staring at the man before him with deep fascination over the sincerity of his declaration; different emotions began to emerge and he was left to consider his reality and its descisions.
Sakuragi was caught up in his own musings that the silence between them became lengthy but before he could reply Rukawa was the one to break it and declared——"You don't owe me anything, we can also stay how we are. Whatever you choose, I just want you to be happy."
Sakuragi approached Rukawa slowly and carefully, never releasing his gaze away as it bore intimately into his. "Okay, but just— let's take it slow," said he, so close Rukawa felt his breath against his. Satisfied with the response, Rukawa nodded and said, "I understand."
"But write to me every day. I want to know how America is like too!"
"Yes," replied Rukawa, inching closer towards him when Sakuragi said, "And you must visit every summer, winter, spring, Christmas, Halloween, valentine's day…"
"Do'ahou." Replied Rukawa.
Sakuragi chuckled at his own witticism and said, "I'm kidding kitsune."
"Are you sure?" Sakuragi asked, confirming his decision.
Rukawa being a person who rarely smiles about anything couldn't help but smile at the man before him. " More than you know." He nodded, the stiffness that seized him faded away instantly as he leaned his forehead to touch the redhead's. Sakuragi radiates a particular warmness and Rukawa, without any reservation reached gently to touch his cheeks, caressing it.
They parted ways hesitantly only after Sakuragi, who seems to be the only one between the two to care how much time had passed urged Rukawa to leave. Rukawa, in complete indifference, contemplated missing his flight, insisting that he could reschedule without burden.