weirdhead: He's not exactly a villain, he's more just… well, annoying. And no, I haven't really read a Lockhart fic about Lockhart *me to myself: that just sounded weird* Thanks! Hmm, yeah… and honestly, they shouldn't do that, just because the actor got good looking, like seriously…

Michael in Arizona: Yes, Evanna Lynch was amazing! Fraudhart totally ruined chamber of secrets, so agreed there. If I was Ginny in the movie situation I'd just be like "oh who's Ginny?" Who is this Lockhart? I only know Fraudhart, lol. Hehe… signatures everywhere. Thanks for reviewing.

loveemmawatsonandhermione: Of course… and thanks.

Addie Whitcher: Yay! Agreed, agreed, and agreed.

{Gryffindor Quidditch team is walking}

"Not going to show the complete and utter disgustingness of us being forced awake by Wood?" Fred asked, yawning.

"Wow, that was very hard on us…" George muttered.

"Why did I ever accept you two into the Quidditch team…" Wood groaned.

Wood: I spent the summer devising a whole new Quidditch programme.

"Why are we all walking through wherever we are together?" Katie asked. "And we all look so awake."

"Just looking at them being awake and thinking of the memory makes me tired," Alicia yawned, then causing Angelina, Katie and the rest of the team to yawn as well.

Wood: We're going to train earlier, harder, and longer!

"Let's just get Wood's plan done…" Angelina said, rolling her eyes. "He didn't say that… or did he… I dunno…"

"It also skipped Colin interrogating me about the Quidditch rules," Harry mentioned.

"So that's what took you so long…" Oliver said.

Oliver: What the... I don't believe it!

"I couldn't believe it either," Ron muttered. "By the time Hermione and I got there, we thought Harry'd be almost done, and he hadn't even started."

Hermione laughed.

{They walk outside to see the Slytherin team walking as well}

"So it looks here like we're in the Courtyard, and the Slytherin team came to the pitch as well before Wood started raging…" George said.

"Lucky them, they didn't have to get up so early," Fred said, earning an annoyed scowl from Wood. "And it skipped that kid taking photos of us."

"Oh yeah, the Slytherin spy," Harry laughed. "Wow, remember when our biggest concern at Hogwarts was that a Slytherin spy might find out our Quidditch plan."

Ron and Hermione chuckled.

Wood: Where you think you're going, Flint?

"I actually said that it was our practice time and that he could clear off," Wood said. "And I'm still mad at you, Flint!"

"Good thing we were never friends," Flint sneered.

"Yeah, good thing," Wood said through gritted teeth.

Flint: Quidditch practice.

"This is wrong!" Flint snapped. "I just said there was plenty of room for all of us."

"Might be because here we're at the Courtyard," Draco suggested.

Wood: I booked the pitch for Gryffindor today.

"That guy there doesn't even look mad!" Wood cried. "I literally spat on Flint with my rage, like I LITERALLY BOOKED THAT PITCH!"

"This was in 1992, Wood," Flint smirked. "Let it go."

"I HAVE NEVER FORGIVEN YOU! NEVER! AND I NEVER, EVER WILL!" Wood was shaking with rage.

"We just had to train Draco," Flint said, smiling a smile enough to drive anyone crazy. Harry noticed Wood ready to rage and quickly pressed the play button on his remote.

Flint: Easy, Wood. I've got a note.

"I said I'd gotten a specially signed note," Flint grinned.

"YOU LITTLE…" Wood was marching up to Flint, just as he was grabbed my Lockhart, who started signing every inch of Wood's skin he could reach. "NO! YOU — LUNATIC —" Flint swore so bad that there was a delayed beep that echoed throughout the theatre.

"PRETEND THAT WAS CENSORED," boomed the voice, causing everyone to laugh like there was no tomorrow.

Wood, however was screaming, punching and kicking like a toddler chucking a tantrum, before being thrown into the air, and he collapsed onto the ground.

"I AM SORRY, BUT VIOLENCE IS NOT TOLERATED IN THIS THEATRE," the voice boomed in a sassy tone as Wood got up, moaning, with about a thousand curly signatures of Gilderoy Lockhart all over his body.

{Flint hands Wood a note and Ron and Hermione see this}

"Oh the pitch invaders!" Flint laughed.

"The broke blood-traitor and the filthy mudblood," Draco snorted.

"DON'T YOU DARE CALL RON THAT!" Hermione screamed.

"YOU DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING THE M WORD!" Ron yelled.

The two of them looked at each other, as Draco rolled his eyes.

"Yes, seriously don't say the M word…" Uncle Vernon shuddered.

"Oh, you mean magic?" Harry grinned. Uncle Vernon screamed.

Ron: Uh-oh. I smell trouble.

{They get up and walk over}

"Smell trouble?" Ron asked, giving Draco a look. "Since when can I smell trouble?"

"We wanted to see what was going on," Hermione said, also giving Draco a look.

"Third wheel for life!" Harry laughed. Ginny laughed at him and threw some popcorn at his face.

Wood: 'I, Professor Severus Snape, do hereby give the Slytherin team permission to practice today, owing to the need to train their new Seeker.'

"Why am I reading out the letter?" Wood asked, who was now rubbing hand sanitiser on his face.

"And it was Professor S Snape, there was no hereby, and give permission on the Quidditch pitch," Flint added.

"Oh my gosh, why must the muggles who make this poo keep insisting on making them smell so disgusting?" Wood grumbled.

"It's so stupid," Rose said, rolling her eyes. "Because ever since about halfway through my last year at Hogwarts, before every class we've had to put on that stupid stuff…"

"And don't get me started on the stupid 'how to wash your hands' posters they've put in the bathroom now!" Albus cried, rolling his eyes as well.

"Pffft, and how we can't even see the Quidditch match? How we have to see them in our dormitory on some super slow and delayed video thing instead of actually going to the match!" Scorpius laughed.

"And those weird things we have to wear over our faces…" James added.

"You guys have had to do all those muggle things at Hogwarts?" Harry asked. His kids nodded.

Wood: You've got a new Seeker? Who?

"I said where," Wood was practically belching from the smell.

"At least it's almost time to see that good-for-nothing Weasley eat slugs," Draco smirked. Hermione stood up, but Ron just pulled her down.

"Forget it," he muttered.

{The Slytherin team steps aside to reveal Draco Malfoy.}

"Ugh…" Ron's fists were clenching. "I hated this part of my life…"

"Well, I suppose throwing up slugs must be pretty bad," Hermione said sympathetically.

Ron frowned. "That wasn't as bad as having to deal with the pain of knowing Malfoy had insulted you and he wasn't even brought to justice…"

Hermione smiled, but Ginny scoffed. "Since when are you this cheesy, Ron?"

Harry: Malfoy?

"Didn't I ask him if he's Lucius Malfoy's son?" Fred asked.

"For your answer Weasley, yes I am," Draco sneered. "Only the rich Lucius Malfoy. It really is good to have a father who can afford to feed you."

Fred clenched his fist. "Shut up, Malfoy."

"And just imagine, Fred Weasley how good it would be to survive the battle of Hogwarts," Draco sneered.

Fred slumped in his seat, and George stood up in rage. Harry could feel Ron and Ginny shaking with anger on either side of him.

"YOU TOAD!" Ginny screamed, as her and Ron stood up. Harry looked to see Ginny's beautiful brown eyes filling with tears of rage. Soon enough, all the Weasley children, including Percy, and apart from Fred were all over Draco, punching him.

"I thought no violence is allowed!" Draco cried out.

The truth was, the voice was up in some office above the characters, watching them and laughing. Laughing so hard at Draco's well-deserved punishment.

"OH MY GOSH DO SOMETHING YOU USELESS VOICE!" Draco cried out in pain. Eventually, the Weasleys were flung away from them.

Draco: That's right. And that's not all that's new this year.

"I actually didn't say anything…" Draco said, brushing his clothes. "Flint said about my Father and told the Gryffindorks to look at the gifts he'd given us."

{Everyone looks at their brooms}

"Why aren't we even holding them up, here it looks like everyone just immediately assumed our brooms were new…" Flint rolled his eyes.

"I ended up getting a better broom than you in the end," Harry snorted.

"Yeah, well there's probably better brooms out now which I'll get. Firebolts would be so out of fashion now," Draco sneered.

"I can just borrow Ginny's cool broom any time I want," Harry sneered back. "Firebolt, 2018 model."

"Well I'll get the 2020 model!" Draco snapped, spitting out at Harry.

"Then next year, I'll get the 2021 model!" Harry snapped, spitting back at Draco.

"The year after, I'll get—"

"Boys!" Ginny was crossing her arms. "Shut up!"

Ron: Those are Nimbus 2001s! How did you get those?

"I hadn't even come yet, so how the heck would I of said that?" Ron grumbled.

"And we'd already said that we'd got it from my father, even if not in this movie," Draco said, rolling his eyes.

Flint: A gift from Draco's father.

"Duh," Flint said, rolling his eyes.

"And my father got it from the racing broom store at Diagon Alley," Draco sneered.

Draco: You see, Weasley, unlike some, my father can afford the best.

"Shouldn't Malfoy be saying about how we should — how we should raffle our brooms?" George said angrily, causing Draco to just sneer.

"You see, Malfoy, my sister is married to Harry freaking Potter, who also happens to be my best friend, and is a much better Quidditch player than you, and he needs no super shiny broom to do that," Ron pouted. "And, also Ginny, my sister, and the wife of Harry Potter, happens to play for the Holyhead Harpies. And, almost our entire family play Quidditch. What you got to say for yourself now?"

"Just shut up…" Draco muttered.

Hermione: At least no one on the Gryffindor team had to buy their way in. They got in on pure talent.

"Oh, here we go…" Ron slumped into his chair.

"Seriously Ron, it doesn't even matter that much!" Hermione cried. "It's seriously just a word, and I'm a proud mudblood, OK? I didn't grow up knowing I'd be magic like you and Malfoy did, so it came as a real pleasant surprise, and I'm proud that I didn't get my magic just because I come from a long line of magic people… no offence, by the way Ron."

"None taken," Ron grinned.

Draco: No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood.

"I asked for my own opinion, you filthy little full-of-yourself bully!" Hermione said, positively sassy, and she crossed her arms.

"YOU FREAKIN BEAST HERMIONE!" Ron cried, putting his arm around her and laughing.

Ron: You'll pay for that one, Malfoy. {Points his wand at Draco} Eat slugs!

"That seriously skipped the big anger that happened after Malfoy called me a mudblood," Hermione said.

"It makes it look like we don't even care," Fred snorted.

"But now that I understand how bad he was to me, I really need to thank you all for standing up for me like that!" Hermione smiled at all her friends.

"What do you expect, for us to just act like those trolls there?" George asked.

"The spell Ron did, I don't remember him saying eat slugs?" Harry asked. Ron shrugged.

{The spell goes backwards and Ron goes flying, landing on his back. The Slytherin team laugh as the Gryffindor team and Hermione rush towards Ron.}

"Oh no… slug time," Hagrid said.

"Slug time!" Ron said sarcastically. "So fun."

"Imagine if they cut the slugs out…" Harry laughed.

"That would be completely disrespectful, and I don't think they can now, because the Ron here said eat slugs," Ron said.

"Oh, yeah, good point," said Harry.

Hermione: Are you OK, Ron? {Ron turns around} Say something!

"I actually asked him if he was alright, and I didn't tell him to say something," Hermione said, crossing her arms.

"Gotta give Hermione all them lines," Ron said, shrugging.

{Ron belches out a slug, the crowd goes 'ew' as Colin arrives with his camera}

"Why must you take a photo of everything in the world?" Ron snapped at Colin.

Colin just smiled and grabbed out his camera, flashing photos of the screen.

"Kids never change," Ron muttered.

"I'm only one year younger than you!" Colin said. "Even if I'm… seventeen still, I should be only one year younger than you."

Ron shrugged.

Colin {taking a photo}: Wow! Can you turn him around, Harry?!

"Shouldn't we of picked Ron up by now?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah," Harry said. "And Colin was asking if Ron was ill at first… and asked me to hold him still."

"My photos are really important, you know!" Colin said, crossing his arms.

Harry: No, Colin, get out of the way!

"Eh, that was sort of right…" said Harry. "Not exact, but right enough I suppose…"

{Harry and Hermione pick up Ron}

"We picked him up before Colin came along," Hermione said.

"You guys really were brave to touch Weasel-slug…" Draco mocked.

Harry: Let's take him to Hagrid. He'll know what to do.

"That skipped me saying that Hagrid was nearest," Harry said. "And I didn't say he'll know what to do."

{Inside Hagrid's hut, Hagrid brings a bucket}

"Not gonna show Lockhart…?" Hermione asked.

"Why, you hoping to see my beautiful face?" Lockhart asked. "I'm right here…"

"Shut up, ugly," Hermione muttered, and Ron snorted.

Hagrid: This calls for specialist equipment. {Hagrid hands Ron the bucket} Nothing to do but wait until it stops, I'm afraid. {Ron belches out another slug}

"I said nothing to do but wait until it stops," said Hermione, narrowing her eyes at the screen.

"I wonder how it would feel to have your line given to someone else," Ron said sarcastically. Hermione scoffed.

Harry: Ugh! Uh, OK…

Hagrid: Better out than in. Who was Ron trying to curse anyway?

"Better out than in was the first thing I said after given Ron a bucket…" Hagrid said.

"But imagine it going in…" Ron said darkly.

"Please, don't get that idea in my head…" Harry said in disgust.

"That also skipped us asking Hagrid what Lockhart wanted," Hermione added.

"Probably because in this we didn't even see Lockhart," said Ron.

Harry: Malfoy. He called Hermione, um, well, I don't — I don't know exactly what it means...

"I said that he'd called her something, and that I thought it was bad…" Harry said.

"You expect it not to be bad? Every time someone calls Hermione that…" Ron shook his head in anger.

"It honestly doesn't matter, Ron," said Hermione. "And the discrimination is less these days."

Hermione {Standing up and crossing her arms}: He called me a Mudblood.

"I didn't say that…" Hermione stared up at the screen in confusion. "Ron said that to Hagrid after he said it was bad."

"But you'd realised he'd said mudblood, right?" Ron asked.

"Yeah, I'd heard it, it was pretty meaningless to me, I could just tell he was trying to offend me, after everyone's reaction," Hermione agreed.

Hagrid: He did not!

"He did," said Hermione.

"The foul git, too," Ginny snapped.

Hermione smiled at her.

Harry: What's a mudblood?

"I don't remember asking that," Harry said. "I was thinking it, but Ron just went ahead and explained it."

"I'm still mad those slugs never came out of Malfoy's disgusting mouth," Ron snarled.

Hermione {Turning around, tears in her eyes}: It means dirty blood.

"What…" Hermione paused the movie immediately, confusion flooding her expression. "Why am I…"

"Maybe, maybe that girl there's just guessing it means dirty blood because it's mud and then blood," Harry suggested.

Hermione: Mudblood's a really foul name for someone who is Muggle-born.

Ron stared blankly up at the screen. "Am I just a sit there and be silent doing nothing kid?"

"Apparently," said Harry. "But… you should be explaining, and how does Hermione even know this?"

"It's not even anything to do with time constraints!" Hermione cried.

Hermione: Someone with non-magic parents. Someone like me. It's not a term one usually hears in civilised conversation.

"What the heck!" Ron was shaking his head. "I seriously feel sorry for this movie. I said someone with non-magic parents, the rest of it was made up!"

"Given the fact that that entire monologue… well, not the entire thing, there's still the next part you could say," Hermione rambled, "I don't really think it matters."

Hagrid: See the thing is, Harry, there are some wizards, like the Malfoy family, who think they're better than everyone else because they're what people call pureblood.

"Are you serious? That is what I said after I said what Hermione said just before!" Ron cried.

"Apparently you're too slug-spewing to talk?" Harry suggested.

"I was spewing slugs! And I did speak!" Ron grumbled.

"They find it hard to get things right," Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

Harry: That's horrible.

"I actually barely spoke, it was mainly Ron who spoke…" Harry said.

Ron:{Belching up a slug} It's disgusting.

"And I speak!" Ron cried dramatically. "Ron Weasley has not gone silent!"

"Such a demotion, though," Hermione muttered. "You go from saying everything to saying nothing…"

Hagrid: And it's codswallop to boot. Dirty blood. Why, there isn't a wizard alive today that's not half-blood or less.

"I didn't say that!" Hagrid cried. "It was Ron who said the closest thing to that."

"But apparently Ron is silent child," Ron said, rolling his eyes.

"No," said Harry, "Ron is speak out his mind child."

Hagrid: More to the point, they're yet to think of a spell our Hermione can't do.

"Hagrid said that earlier, before Ron said about dirty blood," Hermione said. "And there would be a spell I can't do, I doubt I even know every spell…"

"Yeah but every spell you try you literally master straight away," Ron said.

"The benefits of paying attention in class," Hermione laughed, raising her eyebrows at Ron.

{Hermione smiles weakly}

Hermione scoffed. "Is that really how I looked? My cheeks went hot, surely I blushed or something?"

"Yeah, your cheeks literally went the brightest shade of magenta I'd ever seen," Harry said. Hermione did an awkward smile that showed she was embarrassed.

Hagrid: Come here! {Hermione walks over to him} Don't you think on it, Hermione. Don't you think on it fer one minute. Hey. {Hermione smiles}

"Er, I didn't," Hermione said. "Never did, never will."

"I think Ron thinks on it more than you, Hermione," Harry laughed, as Ron blushed.

{Later, Harry is signing photos with Lockhart}

"It's not even going to show us seeing Hagrid's pumpkins?" Hermione asked.

"And Hagrid asking why he didn't get a signed photo," Harry laughed.

"You know I was joking," Hagrid said.

"Talking about that Harry, why can't I get your signed photos?" Ron asked.

"Shouldn't you be giving out signed photos?" Albus asked Ron. "You did say you're really famous!"

Ron just grinned at this. "Anytime, Al," he said, winking.

"Ooh, you can have a signed photo from me!" Lockhart said excitedly. Albus just rolled his eyes.

"But I suppose this isn't going to show Professor McGonagall actually telling us what our detentions are?" Harry muttered.

"No one will ever know I had to be like a muggle in cleaning the trophy room for Filch," said Ron, making vomit motions.

Lockhart: Harry, Harry, Harry... Can you possibly imagine a better way to serve detention than by helping me to answer my fan mail?

"Yeah," said Harry. "Yeah I really can."

Lockhart scowled at him, but sent a dashing smile in the way of everyone else. "Well, if anyone else wants a good way to spend detention… I'm all open." He winked at Ginny who then flipped the bird at him. "Ah, OK…" Lockhart sat back down.

Harry: Not really.

"Even though these lines didn't happen, lets see: basically every other detention I did at Hogwarts, oh except the one with Umbridge…" Harry shuddered at that, looking down at the scars still etched on the back of his hands: I must not tell lies.

"And if you'd been there in seventh year, you wouldn't of liked those detentions," Neville gulped.

Lockhart: Fame's a fickle friend, Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that.

"Yes Harry, you must remember that. I always remember that, that's why I'm so successful," Lockhart grinned

"Oh yes, I forgot just how successful you are," Harry said sarcastically.

{Harry looks annoyed, then gets back to work}

Voice: Come... come to me... come to me…

"What the heck is that?" Hermione asked.

"I'm guessing it's that voice I kept hearing all year," Harry suggested. "Except it also said let me rip you, let tear you, let me kill you… it really was quite dramatic."

Harry: What?

Lockhart: Sorry?

"Oh, Fraudhart actually thought I was talking about whatever he was talking about before," said Harry.

"Oh yes, my chat with you about me having six months at the top of the bestseller list!" Lockhart giggled excitedly.

Harry: That voice.

"Oh well I basically said that," Harry shrugged.

Lockhart: Voice?

"He said sorry what voice!" Harry said.

"Being famous really gets to you, doesn't it Harry?" Lockhart asking.

"No!"

Harry: Didn't you hear it?

"Skipped a bit of what I was saying, but oh well…" Harry shook his head.

"That must've felt so weird, though…" said Ginny.

"It was!" Harry cried.

Lockhart: What are you talking about, Harry? I think we're getting a bit, uh, drowsy. And great Scott no wonder, look at the time! We've been here nearly four hours! Spooky how the time flies when one's having fun!

"Oh yes we were having a lot of fun," Lockhart smiled.

"But you just said the time'd flown," Harry said.

"Because Harry looked like he was having a lot of fun, am I right?" Ginny sniggered.

"I was not, Ginevra," Harry said.

"Since when do you call me that?" Ginny asked.

"Since now, whenever you're being annoying," Harry replied.

Harry: Spooky.

"I didn't say that, I just left as Fraudhart went on saying I shouldn't expect a treat every time I got detention," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

"Being with Fraudhart is such a treat," Ron grinned goofily.

Bye.