Chapter 25.

Before leaving the bunker, Sam and Mary found Jack and Sam said, "Jack, we're going out for a while. I want you to find Cas and stay close to him."

"For what?" said Jack.

"Mutual protection. Mutual support. Try to keep out of Dean's way. Try to make sure Cas does too."

"I thought the idea was ... "

"Cas and Dean are both in a dangerous frame of mind. Just for today, limit their contact if you can. I know it's a lot to lay on you ... "

"No. It's fine. Good to have something useful I can do." said Jack, "Where will you be?"

"Sarah's." said Sam, "But don't tell the others unless you have to."

"Okay." said Jack.

"And be kind to Cas and Dean. They both feel like crap."

"What's happened?" said Jack.

"Dean just had a bad night. It'll be okay. I just want to avoid some confrontation between them making it worse."

"You think he'll hurt Castiel?"

"I think Cas could be hurt by a doubtful look and Dean is full-on paranoid about angels."

Jack nodded. "I'll do what I can."

"We can always count on you, Jack." said Mary and Jack smiled.

On the way to Ionia, Mary drove. Her driving style was much the same as Dean's and the accompanying music, Seger, Springsteen, Zeppelin and Dire Straits, would have met with his approval.

"How are you doing, Sam?" she asked when they were about halfway there, "And a good son would not throw his mother a non-answer like okay."

He smiled. "I don't know that I've ever been a good son. A good brother, most of the time, but not a good son."

"Then, isn't it time you made the effort?" she said.

"Look, I know I seem a little wrecked, but I've been a little wrecked for years. Yes, I have issues, Hell-related and not, but I deal with them. You don't need to worry about me."

"It's not optional, Sam. I'm your mother."

"Think of us as veterans of a long, unending war. Field medicine is all there is. The wounds aren't healed, just patched up, so we can go on fighting. So yes, in bad weather, I get some pain, but I know how to dull it down and get on with what we need to do. What Dean's going through is different. He was there for me when Hell fallout drove me crazy. I'll be there for him for this Michael-related stuff."

"Sarah worries about this habit of pushing your needs aside."

"I don't do that." he said, "Not anymore. I just need Dean to be himself again more than I need to focus on self-pity."

She shot him a glance. "Self-pity?"

He shrugged. "It's not like anything can be changed now. It's part of me. And maybe that's okay. At least I can begin to understand what Dean's suffering."

"You know what Dean would say to that."

"I do." he admitted.

"And Sarah."

"Yup."

"And you know they'd both be right."

"They always are, but the things in my head are staying there. I can't get rid of them. Not even sure I could adapt to life without them now. We can help Dean. That's what matters."

"That's a very sweet way of saying, 'Back off, Mom.'" she said.

"Any chance you can get Sarah to back off too?" he said.

"I doubt it. You should call her. Let her know we're coming and why."

When they arrived at the farm, Sarah hurried out to greet them. She hugged Mary and then turned to smile at Sam. "I'm glad you're here."

He took her hands and kissed her forehead. "I could really use your help. Dean is in freefall and I don't know what to do."

She took each of them by the arm. "Let's go inside and we can work this out together. I know the situation seems terrible, but I spoke to Dean yesterday and I know he is going to work his way through this."

"He's not sleeping." said Sam, "I know he's going through Hell and he's trying to handle it alone."

"Of course he is." said Sarah.

In the parlour, they sat close together, conspirators for Dean. Sam felt better just knowing Sarah was involved. She understood Dean. She understood trauma. As they talked about the past twenty-four hours, Dean's attempts to talk and equally determined attempts not to burden others, their feelings of helplessness and Cas falling so easily into his old habits of self-blame and self-sacrifice, Sarah listened and nodded and understood.

She spent a long time listening, ot rushing to offer her own opinions or telling Sam where he had gone wrong. Just telling her everything made him feel better, just being able to say how hard it was to see Dean so tormented and to see him tormenting Cas, knowing that the real Dean, buried under that wounded paranoid was suffering along with him, hating himself for hurting his friend.

At last, it was all told. He felt he had briefed her on every moment. Even then, she considered carefully before she said, "That he tried to talk to you about it so soon has to be good."

"I agree." he said, "But he backs off so fast, clams up instantly."

"He's had a lot of practice." she said.

"What do I do? Push him to talk? Leave him alone and hope he comes to me? What would you do?"

"Dean was very honest with me when we talked. He told me he felt corrupted and defiled by Michael. He's ashamed that he ever let Michael take control and he hates the fact that he could not cast him out. Whenever Dean thinks about Michael, all the shame is stirred up and he is afraid to share that with you, in case you are as disgusted by him as he is. Do you know that the one thing he has to cling to is that you still believe in him?"

"I'll always believe in him." said Sam.

"His biggest fear is that he'll see in your eyes the same look of contempt he sees in the mirror. When he tries to talk to you, he has to push through that deep-rooted, terrible fear."

Sam found himself nodding. That, he could understand. So often, he had held his own tongue for fear that what he said might make Dean think less of him, that he could disappoint the one person whose opinion of him had value.

Sarah smiled at him, reading his mind effortlessly, as usual. For once, it was welcome, saving him the effort of putting his thoughts into words. "You'll always understand him better than any of us." she said, "You've been watching him struggle through this charade of invulnerability since you were children."

Sam saw his mother bite her lip and he wished he had come alone.

Sarah noticed the quick glance in Mary's direction. "Sam, the past, we can't change, but talking honestly about it could save the future."

"Yes." he said.

"And it's not as if anyone in this room doesn't know you picked up all your tricks from him."

"That's true." said his mother.