CHAPTER TEN
Life can be cruel, and as much as I wanted to think I was a healthy person that I could get over things quickly, I was finding out that it was harder said than done. Things between Alice & I and even Jasper have only grown, but my heart felt like it was still stuck in the past. Still, no word from Edward was evident as the realization of his departure became clearer. Despite that missing conclusion, I had to stay focused on my health and move on with my life.
Alice had shown signs of improvement, actually a vast improvement. Her eating had increased from small little bites to smaller portion-controlled meals. She even ate off of her own plate, which was a milestone in itself. Her relationship with Jasper had grown, and their romances had actually taken a positive swing. Of course, they didn't have the luxury of being open due to the policy that took place here. The irony was at such a liberal institution, the idea of a patient seeing each other was still a major red flag.
That evening when Jasper spoiled the secret, Alice and I had the "talk," which wasn't anything too serious since Alice had a great plot of switching topics and putting the spotlight on the other person. Of course, the hardest part for me was knowing what would happen between those two once one of them was released, but that was for another time. Maybe I was just becoming jaded by my own unhappy ending.
With Alice moving in the right direction and Jasper closely following, I felt I had taken a massive step back. Everyone around seemed like they had sorted out their lives as if they were making sense of who they were. I felt as though I had lost that confidence in myself. I didn't want to become that person who I was before Edward. This individual was just an illusion, and I had no desire to become that character once more. Of course, my personalities had fun at these expenses since I no longer tried to keep them inside, one step forward…Two steps back.
Maybe I just gave up on my own happiness, as I felt like my great depression was still in full effect. I stopped hiding it and even Alice, who had already grown tired of my depression and exhausted by my negativity. So I ended it. I learned to turn off my emotions and just be the shell of a person to make everyone tolerable towards me. Maybe, once I got over Edward, I would be willing to allow myself to be more open. To enable me to become happier, but I needed this period. I just wanted to sulk for slightly a bit longer and act like a heartbroken teen.
However, something about today, about this morning, made me determined to change that. I didn't want to live in the past anymore but to strive towards the future. Usually, in the mornings now, I would have the "Edward" moments on repeat. It almost became a sick obsession on how many times I relived our infamous kiss. I would literally review it frame by frame in my head. I would always think back to Edward as a turning point in my life, but I deserved to live in the now. I was too young to be stuck in this endless loop and had grown exhausted of those who were trapped in my web of depression.
For once, I was up and out of bed before Alice, and even before the morning attendant did their morning rounds. I snuck into the shower, which was a first because Alice always beat me and decided to enjoy my day. I grabbed the near-empty shampoo bottle and burst out my latest Rihanna hit into it, mimicking my mic. I made myself laugh, which made me sad about how I allowed myself to get that depressed. After I finished and accepted numerous Grammy awards for my performance, I hopped out, and I felt great. A burst of energy ran throughout my body as it had waited for me to get out of my funk. I just wanted to enjoy my newfound happiness.
I stared down and noticed that my wrist had slowly started to heal and that it was bruising dark like I thought it would, but even that couldn't affect my mood. Hell, I used it as a battle sign of my survival. I needed to know this and move forward since I was so close to death. I survived, and I am a survivor. I couldn't allow men, depression, or other negative influences to take control of my life. I allowed myself a week, and that was it, and I choose to no longer live in the past.
After doing my hair quickly and doing some quick fresh ups to my face, I headed back to the bedroom. Alice was sitting on her bed, still looking like perfection, even with the bed head with a goofy grin on her face. "Shine bright like a diamond?" She chuckled at me, but I continued to burst out in a hideous rendition again as my encore. We laughed and danced at my stupidity. We crashed onto my bed, still reeling from our laughter. "I'm so glad to have you back." She whispered softly as her head rested on my shoulder.
I grabbed her into a tight hug and realized how much my anxiety of the whole "Edward Situation" had indeed affected her and me. I made myself promise not to do that to her again. "I'm sorry." I spoke softly, "I promise, I am okay now." I said more towards myself than to Alice. She nodded her head at me as I playful pushed her towards the bathroom, telling her falsely that she smelled.
My mood had remained the same as I'd decided to head towards the main reception area for my medicine early. I wanted to grab my daily dosage and some breakfast for Alice and me. Just as a thank you for putting up with my recent moods. I hummed in line as I waited patiently when I felt someone tap me on my shoulder. I turned around and was surprised to see it was Emmett. "Hey, Bella." He said, "You seem a lot better today." He pointed out. Though Emmett and I didn't really have a typical friendship, our connection was through the group session.
After a couple of our last group meetings, Emmett had shown strives for forgiveness towards his father. His father has been a massive factor in his health since he allowed his campaign manager to put Emmett here. Emmett wrote this beautiful letter that broke down how he felt over the whole situation. It covered how he felt resentment towards dad and his family for not allowing him a voice or being his own person. The true irony was that his father ran a campaign, which was built on that platform. The context of his message was that we needed to allow future generations to have a voice and to vocalize their own opinions with the current administrative office and policies.
Emmett and I goofed around a bit until I was next in line. After I popped my daily pills, I bumped into Jasper. We decided to grab our breakfast together and enjoyed the playfulness of my mood. Finally, Alice came prancing in, as we all continued to laugh about really nothing. The lightness of the conversation smoothly flowed as I felt like my age once more. Alice enjoyed a fruit yogurt, almost entirely eaten with sips of her carton of almond milk. Emmett eventually joined us as we discussed our upcoming group session. It was a pleasant surprise to have Emmett hang out with us. Just a few weeks ago, it was just Alice and me, but now our duo team was slowly expanding. The laughter was infectious as we all enjoyed goofing off with each other and acted like all of our ages for once.
Soon came the time where we all needed to head off to group therapy together, but none of us dreaded it. I actually looked forward to our session for the first time and was finally ready to participate freely. This new ease had helped make it more comfortable to speak more openly with all of them and not just to Alice. We all sat in our usual circular formation with the empty chair still waiting for Edward. I knew that emptiness would have previously caused me anxiety, but now, looking at it, I no longer held those same emotions.
Emmett was in the middle of his father's campaign stories when Enya's music began to play throughout the room. The soft sounds of her voice and the soft chiming of the Tibetan Bowls diminished the infectious vibe. Alice did not find the music soothing and exasperated with that emotion with a notable eye roll and hand gesture. Thankfully, Ms. Deluca was not aware of what was occurring as we all tried to cover our laughter, but it came out unsuccessfully. Ms. Deluca came prancing over as her wooden beads clunk together as her wild hair abandoned all inhibition. It wasn't as though we were trying to be vindictive, but it can sometimes get a lot.
The singing bowls continued to project for another five minutes as we soon grew weary and ready to discuss. Finally, after the last piercing noise was heard, Ms. Deluca stopped the music and proceeded to sit down at the top of the circle. She raised her hands and closed her eyes, "I sense a new dominant force within us all together." Her voice sang out loud. "One by one, we have learned to grow together, to bond outside of ourselves, and to be the true keeper of our own paths." Her voice ran quietly. As much as her performance prior was a bit kooky, her words ran some truth to them. We all turned to one another and felt a familiar bond as a new sense of comfort lingered in the air. "Today, I would like to continue forward with our group session and open up some more." She paused and opened her eyes, "We cannot truly grow within ourselves and release the negativity that controls our lives until we have a support system in place." She turned her attention to all of us. "Who would like to begin?" Ms. Deluca concluded.
Before anyone could volunteer, I decided to be the first one to raise my hand. "I would like to go first," I said softly. Ms. Deluca was a bit shocked by my gesture but soon became joyful by my approach. Ms. Deluca nodded her head enthusiastically and rolled out her hand to motion for me to continue forward. All the eyes turned to my attention as if there was a spotlight showcased on me. I felt uncomfortable at first and squirmed by the blank stares that greeted me. I snapped my hair tie softly to provide me that extra push that I needed. It allowed me the strength to continue forward and to speak freely for once.
After taking a deep breath, I decided to open up. "Okay, I Ummm, well…" I paused and took another deep breath. "I guess what I wanted to say was how I felt this past week." I looked over to Alice, who smiled softly at me to continue forward. "I went through something personal, something that I had never experienced before… well to this level." I don't know why I wanted to talk about Edward, but I needed to release that part of me. To be free of his ghost that followed me around. "All my life, I always felt like everyone that I had ever loved would always be taken away." Now it was bleeding into my mother, as well. "I never spoke about my past because I despised it. I resented the one factor that destroyed that one person I cared about and ruined my chance at normalcy." I couldn't speak his name, out-loud. "I held onto that hatred that stunted me to the point where I could no longer or wanted to feel any emotions. Where I couldn't handle that burden." I spoke about my personalities. "I relayed so much on my personalities because in some way they could never leave me. That despite everything that happened in my life that I would have them. That they wouldn't abdomen me like my parents or that person who I could've loved." Edward...
I looked down at my hands to push myself harder. "This past week, I went back to my old ways of playing the victim. Of playing that person that hated life that resented how I got here." I looked back to see Alice with light moisture in her eyes. "But then I woke up one morning and got over it. "Proof."" I made a hand gesture. "And I'd felt free. I didn't need my personalities to make me stronger. I just needed myself. That I needed to become the real me." I looked over at everyone as they stared at me intensely. "And I'm not saying that I am fine." I chuckled at that. "But what I've found out over the past week is that I will be okay and despite the sense of loss." I smiled at myself. "I didn't lose me."