Chapter 12: Take it to the Next Level
"If you ever want me back
then your walls need breaking down"
September, 2018
"I don't understand why you're being this unreasonable." Jay says following Erin into their apartment.
"I'm being unreasonable? Did you see the size of that house; that is not adequate space for her."
"She would have her own bedroom, a shared bathroom with the other kids, and there was a backyard!" Jay argues.
Erin scoffs back at him, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a cold water bottle from the fridge. She needed to calm down. Working herself up over nothing would only serve to sour her mood further; she wasn't going anywhere. Erin wasn't ready.
Jay walks in quietly, sitting at the breakfast bar as Erin leans against the sink.
"We agreed to find her a good family if we couldn't locate a next-of-kin. She has no aunts or uncles; her grandmother is too old to care for her and she agreed to this course of action. There's nothing wrong with the Newtons."
"Everly Newton? Doesn't sound right to me." Erin sneers.
"Babe, you're not thinking logically about this. Ev deserves a home, with a family and parents that can provide her a life she deserves. Marnie Newton is a stay-at-home mum; she does home schooling for her youngest kids which will come in handy since Ev's a bit behind with school anyways now. Roger Newton works high-up for one of the biggest banks in Chicago; they could afford to buy a bigger home if they need to accommodate Everly – they chose to keep an intimate home because they wanted the family all close together. You can't tell me those kinds of parents wouldn't be good for Ev."
"They're not right for her Jay – I know her, she wouldn't want to be with them."
Jay stands and walks over to her and takes her in his arms. Erin wraps her arms around his waist and rests her chin up on his shoulder. She takes a deep breath and tries to relax the tension from her body as Jay rubs her back.
"I'm going to miss her too, you know."
"You are?"
"Of course. She's become such a big part of our lives now; it'll be weird to not have her around every day. Even though I know we'll still see her and keep in touch, it doesn't mean I won't miss her being here."
"… Well, what if we didn't have to?"
Jay pulls back to see her face "What are you talking about?"
Erin moves out of his arms and walks to the living room to get something out of her bag. Jay sees pull a stack of papers out of a big manilla envelope. She sets them down on the counter and slides them towards him so he can read the heading.
Petition for Adoption
"What if we didn't have to miss her; what if she was ours, permanently?"
"You want to- to adopt her?"
"You asked me what the issue is? This is it."
"Er … you can't be serious."
"I don't want her to go Jay. And at first, I thought it was just me being emotional because of how close she and I have gotten – but it's more than that. She belongs here, with us. Can't you see that?"
"We can't adopt her, Erin. How are we supposed to be able to give her the kind of support she needs? We're barely managing to pick her up from school on time now that we're both back at work."
Erin huffed. Why was he being so stubborn about this?
"We've been managing pretty well together these last seven months. And before you came back, everyone at the station helped me out with her too. But we can figure out a better schedule if that's your worry Jay. Hank will help us out if we ask – it would be the same as when we should have our own kids."
"This is completely different than if we had our own kids, Erin!"
"Oh what, because she's not biologically ours?"
Anger flares in his gut and Jay takes a step back from her "Do you really think so little of me? That I would care about something like that?"
"I'm just telling you how your words sounded." Erin shrugs
"You and I both know that a biological connection doesn't guarantee a healthy relationship with your parents, Erin." Jay throws back at her "But since you think so poorly of me, I'll explain – Us having a child together is different because we would have nine whole months to prepare to be parents; to figure out our jobs, to get our finances in order, to actually be in a house instead of this apartment like we planned to be! You know Adoption agencies usually recommend that one of the parents take time off work for the first six months after their adoption process is finalised, so that the child has a regular schedule and is able to have adequate support? Have you really thought this through?"
"I've had these papers drawn up for three months now." Erin answers.
Jay looks surprised "And you're only just telling me now?"
"… I was trying to find the right time."
"And you thought telling me you want to adopt Everly, after another family has expressed interest in adopting her, was the right time? Backing me into a corner felt like the right move!?"
"How am I backing you backing you into a corner!? I'm not doing that!" Erin yells.
"You are! You're not giving me any time to process this, you've had three months to think about this and you're expecting an answer from me within three minutes! And if I say no, or that I need time to think, then I'm the asshole who kept you from having this family that you've imagine for us. How is that fair?"
"I didn't think you would say no." Erin bites back.
Silence. Jay doesn't say a word, weighing his options. Is he saying no? He's not sure. All he knows is that this is a lot to deal with, and he's not ready to deal with it. He's still healing, still trying to keep the nightmares at bay, still trying to adjust to this life with the little human they had both grown so fond of. But in his mind, it had always been a temporary adjustment – he had never allowed himself to think otherwise because entertaining those kinds of thoughts would only hurt them more when they inevitably said goodbye to Everly.
"You don't want her, do you?" Erin says, her shocked whisper breaking his thoughts.
Jay shakes his head "That's not what I said. There's a lot to think about here, Erin."
"What is there to think about? I love her, and I want her. Either you feel the same, or you don't. Either way I'm doing this, Jay."
"It's not that simple."
"How can you-"
"Hey, open up – Kim's gotta pee!" Everly's palm banging against the door interrupts them.
Erin stares at her fiancée for another moment, her eyes a mixture of disappointment and hurt, before Ev's knocking resumes and she rushes to the front door to let her and Kim inside.
"Oh my god, finally." Kim says pushing past them and heading straight to the bathroom "I knew those jumbo slushies were too much!"
Everly giggles "Kim says she has a small bladder."
Jay and Erin both force a smile, chuckling along with the little girl as she greets them – oblivious to the tense conversation they were previously having.
"How was the museum?" Jay asks, "Besides the jumbo slushies."
"It was so fun; I like the paintings they have in there. But there's so many naked statues in there; Kim kept covering my eyes every time we went past those exhibits." Everly rolls her eyes.
"Don't mind her, she's a square." Jay jokes.
"Hey! I resent that." Kim glares at the young man as she walks into the kitchen "I can be fun when I want to be."
"Come on Kim, I've not seen you let loose the entire time I've known you."
"Erin has. And she can tell you all about it when we get back tonight."
Jay freezes as he remembers ladies' night. Erin and Kim had made plans to go out for dinner and drinks with Gabby and Stella tonight while Jay and Evie had a night at home. It was why Kim had taken Ev to the museum and park during the day so Jay and Erin could meet with potential adoptive families for Evie.
"Oh, crap I forgot. Kim …"
"No way, you are not cancelling on me again! I have been waiting weeks for this Erin. I need a few drinks with my girls before I lose my mind because let me tell you if Ruzek keeps leaving his shit all over the floor of our apartment I must just kick him out."
Evie laughs at the older woman's dramatics. Kim was by far her favourite of Erin and Jay's friends; she treated Evie like a normal kid, and less like she was a fragile child that would break at a moment's notice. She was also always down for drinking jumbo slushies or mixing chocolate in her popcorn bucket at the movies, and Everly loved having her own partner-in-crime.
"You should go. We can handle ourselves for the night." Jay says.
Erin glares subtly at him. Though his words may sound sincere, the look in his eyes tells her otherwise. He doesn't want to be around her right now. That's fine with her; quite frankly she doesn't want to be around him either.
"See! No excuses now, Lindsay." Kim jokes "You gotta hurry though, I need to swing past the apartment and do an outfit change."
"Alright. Give me ten minutes Kim." Erin smiles at her friend before heading into the bedroom.
She shuts the door and leans back against it, trying to catch her breath. Erin didn't know where to go from here. She didn't want to spend all night pretending like everything was okay when it wasn't – she wanted to stay here and talk this out with Jay and figure out what the hell was going on in his head.
Jay loves Evie, Erin knows that with every fibre of her being. But something was holding him back and she wanted to find out. She wants to figure it out and work through it, but they're both angry and too stubborn to talk right now. So, Erin quickly applies a light amount of makeup and slips into the familiar red dress. Since Stella had gotten them a booking at this new bar that opened, the ladies agreed to dress up a little more than usual tonight. Erin grabbed her purse of the table and did a once-over in the mirror. She smiled thinking of the last time she wore this dress; with longer, blonder hair and a man who was still only her work husband by her side.
Erin looked at the picture stuck to the vanity mirror. It was one taken a few weeks ago when Olive had been in town; they had tagged along with Hank, Olive and the kids to the Pier and explore the carnival. Evie had worn herself out and was practically sleep-walking, so Jay hoisted her up on his shoulders on their walk back to the cars. Olive had snapped the photo of Jay leaning down to kiss Erin while Evie was half-asleep on top of him.
'How can he not love her?' Erin thought as she held the picture. Just one look at that photo told her all she needed to know; they were a family. And if Jay didn't want that, then she might have to prepare herself for a future with just her and Evie. Because she wasn't willing to let that little girl go to any other family – no one would love her as much as Erin and Jay would. Erin could see it so clearly, the future the three of them could have; she just needed Jay to see that too.
2023 (one week after)
Neither Jay nor Erin slept much that night.
The separation between them felt different this time. Though the physical distance was greater than they were used to, the emotional gap between them was more evident than ever before; they were used to feeling so far apart emotionally, but in the small amount of time they had been in therapy it felt like that gap was getting marginally smaller each day. Especially with the way they woke up a few days ago, after falling asleep facing one another. Jay kissing her cheek as he took his coffee felt so familiar. Like it was something would do all their life.
Yet today was a stark change in reality. This morning, Erin woke with a sore back on a cold and lonely couch. She could hear Jay's footsteps as he shuffled around their bedroom upstairs. The kids would be up soon, and she wanted to avoid them seeing her like this which is why she'd set the alarm on her phone so early. Erin rubbed her eyes as she trudged up the stairs with the extra blanket from their linen closet. She folded the blanket back up and tucked it into its designated space in the closet. It humours her to see the little labels on each shelf indicating where everything should go. It was Jay who had the role of 'househusband' in that earlier period of their relationship, but in the last few years Erin had taken on those responsibilities more and more.
Despite Jay's reassurances that things wouldn't change, that she wouldn't have to change because of his new role in Intelligence and their expanding family; it was a fact-of-life that things would always, inevitably change. And so, Erin decided to simply embrace the changes as best she could, before they overwhelmed her. But it was never something she saw for herself, this life she was leading; mostly on her own.
The question Sara had asked them had not escaped her mind since they left her office; what did Erin want? From Jay. For herself. For their family. For their future.
The list was long but at the core of it, her wants all whittled down to what she needed from Jay. She needed to have her partner back. She needed him to be more present, in their marriage and in their family. She needed to feel like somewhat of a priority in his life again. She needed to know that the job could come second to their family, if only sometimes; because their kids needed their father, and she needed her husband back. She needed to find her own identity in this chaos that had become their life together. She needed to figure out who she was again; so that she could not only be a better partner, but a happier person as well. One that she hasn't felt like in years.
She's pulled out of her thoughts when Jay steps out of their ensuite bathroom, boxers hanging low as he looks at her surprised. They both freeze, neither knowing what to say. Erin's eyes wander for a moment over his body. If there's one thing that hadn't drastically changed in the last ten years, it was that Jay Halstead had maintained his body quite well over the years. Sure, he had a little bit more of a 'dad bod' now – his arms didn't bulge in that same muscular fashion they did the first time he picked her up and carried her into his bedroom, the abs that graced his stomach were less defined now and he held a little more weight there, and though the V-shape of his muscles that would lead under his favourite pair of jeans was not as visible now the faint sight of it still made Erin's stomach flip. He may not be that same, well-defined, muscular man from ten years ago, but he did not look like a man nearing his forties either. And he was still as attractive to Erin as that first day that she met him in the bullpen of the 21st District.
Jay simply thought Erin was the most adorable morning person he had ever seen. He remembers the days that she would wake up grumpy and miserable, needing at least an hour to fully be alert and attentive enough to answer anything you were saying to her with more than a grunt. Jay would drive to work those mornings, and Erin would stare out at the road – Jay always joked that she was 'sleeping with her eyes open'. Erin stood in the doorway of their bedroom, her hair was a mess and her big t-shirt had somehow tucked into the waistband of her underwear on one side so that one leg was exposed to his gaze. Her skin looked so soft, and Jay craved the days when he used to feel her legs wrap around his waist as he held her against him. Good god, did he miss the feel of his wife. They hadn't been like that in a long time.
"Sorry," Erin mumbled walking further into the room "I- I just thought I'd come up and get ready before the kids woke up."
"It's fine." Jay said walking past her to his dresser.
Their arms brushed and Jay tried to ignore the goosebumps he felt spread over his body. He spent most of the night replaying their last session in his head. He thought mostly about what he wanted from her – to feel loved by her, to not feel like she doubts his ability to be a parent, for Erin to be vulnerable with him, for Jay to be able to trust her again – but as the night crept on his thoughts wandered to other parts of their conversation.
Jay thought about it all. He couldn't pinpoint a proper reason for why Bunny triggered him so much. Maybe it was because he was protective of Erin, and her mother had only ever hurt her. He remembers feelings more anger towards Bunny after they had taken Everly in – when Erin had come home in tears after visiting Bunny in Logan Correctional Facility and she had proceeded to degrade her daughter and her ability to be a good parent when she wasn't willing to help her own mother get out of prison. Or maybe it was because of all the things he had experienced with Bunny; the endless cases she dragged them into or was somehow tied up with, the various times she had shown up drunk or high at Erin's apartment when they had been sneaking around, not to mention the number of times she had put her daughter's life at risk while trying to feed Hank Voight to the sharks. Maybe it was a combination of all of it. Or none of it. He really didn't know anymore.
The 'ultimatums' she had referred to felt like a punch to the gut. It was a low blow, they both knew that, but it didn't make it any less true. Jay had sometimes pushed her into situations or decisions that she wasn't ready to make. Even though it had only been done with her best interests at heart, or when they were arguing in the heat of the moment, he knew it wasn't fair. He had tried so hard to better that behaviour, but the night of their fight it had been the ultimatum he threw at her that landed the final blow.
But he couldn't do anything about his job. He was overseeing one of the most elite and reputable units in Chicago's Police Department. Jay had worked hard to rebuild the unit's relationship with the higher-ups in the Department and redefine the lines that Voight had blurred for so many years. Maybe he had missed a few family dinners over the years, nights where his kids were already fast asleep, a debate-team night or performance here or there; but it was part of the job. Given Erin's childhood with Voight, Jay expected her of all people to understand what it means to be in his position within this city. What it would be like to be the wife of the man running Intelligence, since she had seen Camille and Hank do it for so long. Maybe the way she saw Hank and Camille handle it was different to the way they have, but Jay was doing his job and he shouldn't have to be penalised for protecting the city they love, the one their family calls home. He was doing this for them – to make their little part of the world safer for them. Why couldn't she understand that?
Lying in bed alone was what hurt the most though. It was a sobering reminder of her words. 'When was the last time we ever just slept peacefully with one another?' Jay honestly can't remember. He's not had a restful night's sleep in years. Whether that was because of their usual life routine or because he wasn't dealing with the fact that he was no longer happy in his marriage, Jay couldn't discern. And sex? Geez, that had flown out the window a long time ago. He always thought it was just him that realised that, but it seemed Erin had too. He remembers exactly how long it's been – it was six months after Peter left Chicago. Jay had convinced himself that they could just return to normal. Erin seemed to be getting herself back together, so why couldn't they just fake it till they made it? But that night only served to emphasise the gaping holes in their relationship. There was no emotional connection, no synchronism – they were not intimate partners; more like two strangers meeting for the first time. It wasn't enjoyable. More a sobering realisation for Jay of just how far their relationship had fallen.
"Sara's booked us a session for this evening, 6pm. I already texted Antonio to get one of the girls to cover my classes, so I can pick the kids up today. I was thinking I'll drop them at Hank's. I'm sure he wouldn't mind; he hasn't really spent that much time with them in a few weeks."
Jay looked up and caught a glimpse of Erin in the mirror as she changed inside the walk-in closet. He felt his mouth dry a little as he watched her pull a red tank top down over her chest, her toned legs on display as she looked for a pair of pants to wear. The shirt is so familiar to him – it was one she had worn to work during the brief period they were together when she returned from the task force. Adam had been the only one to comment on the fact that Erin's shirt looked so familiar, and Jay smirked when he saw her blush at the realisation that the shirt, she had picked up off the ground that morning was not in fact hers. She had told Adam he was blind, and that she wore that shirt all the time; she proved so by wearing it twice a week for the next month. And it had stayed in her closet ever since. Something about her wearing his shirts … it messed with him in a way he quite enjoyed.
His mind drifted back to her comment yesterday. Jay would be lying if he said he hadn't missed that part of their relationship, too. There was a time in their lives when their sexual relationship was … mind-blowing. It was an outpour of desire and love and a deep bond that had grown for so many years between them. Jay missed that. He missed the nights when they could let their bodies speak instead, communicate their feelings in the most intimate way. He missed when Erin would sneak up on him in the shower, or they would get lost in a kiss that would end up with Erin sitting on the counter pulling him closer with her legs before they were inevitably interrupted by their daughter or work. Jay missed holding his wife, kissing her, loving her. He missed being physical with her in even the most innocent forms. He hadn't realised just how physically affectionate they were, discreet as it was, until it was no longer present.
"Jay?" Erin walked back out of the closet buttoning up her jeans as she went to pull out a pair of socks from the dresser drawers he was still standing at "Were you listening?"
"Uh, yeah sorry. I guess I'm still half-asleep." He tried to joke, Erin just looking up at him weirdly.
They were well aware that it was the closest they had been in the last twenty-four hours. Neither wanted to move just yet, although they knew they should. There was still so much to discuss, so much to work through. They were just torturing themselves.
"I'll wake up Drew. Make sure he's ready – are you still right to take him to work today? I'm. picking him up at 12 anyways, but I can just take it with me if you want."
"It's fine, I promised I'd take him since we couldn't yesterday." Jay answers.
"I just don't want him to be in your way, if it's going to inconvenience you –"
"My son is not an inconvenience, Erin." Jay snapped.
And just like that, the awkwardness was back. Jay felt bad as soon as he heard his voice. It was uncontrollable sometimes. Erin had this way of making him feel like she didn't trust him with their children.
"Okay." Erin says softly. She moves to sit on the bed and put her socks on, Jay staring at her helplessly. He doesn't know what to say, where to start. So, he resigns himself to yet another missed opportunity to communicate and instead steps into the walk-in closet to change, hearing the soft click of the door as it shuts behind Erin.
The day went quickly, which Jay was thankful for. He always enjoyed bringing Drew with him to work, but once Erin had come to take their son home Jay had focused on the paperwork that seemed to be a never-ending fixture on his desk.
He was now sitting and chatting with Antonio, Kim and Adam while Upton and Atwater met up with one of her CI's. They were sitting and having coffee in the bullpen, a rare opportunity for their unit. Jay was observing his friends, listening to their conversation but his mind was focused on Erin too. Would she rather he come home one days like this? In those quiet moments, the rare pauses between heavy cases, should he be taking the opportunity to rush back home – even if it was only a short time that he could spend with her or their kids. Was that what she wanted from him?
"Jay, you good man?"
Jay focused on his friends again, the three of them looking at him a little concerned. He shook his head, sitting up in his chair.
"Can I ask something? Do you- do you think I'm a good boss?"
"Of course. You're a great boss, Jay. Why do you ask?"
He hesitates to answer, not knowing how much he should confide in them because as much as they are his co-workers and his friends, they're also Erin's friends too. And they hadn't yet discussed what details they were telling people and what they were keeping to themselves. Erin had been upset when Jay had stayed at Hank's because she didn't want to worry him about their relationship. But the three people before him already knew more about the situation because he and Erin had relied on them and their advice since their fight.
"Erin … she thinks that I prioritise work over her. That I let the job come first, I'm not home enough and that I don't always make time for our family."
He expects them to argue the information. To tell him that's crazy, that he's a great father and a good husband and he does the best he can to balance those duties with those of running the Intelligence Unit. But when he sees the three of them exchanging looks between them, it surprises him.
"You agree with her." He states.
Adam shakes his head "Not exactly. She has a point though …"
"Jay, you're a great boss, okay. One of the best things about you is that you do your best to make sure we can all maintain a work-life balance. If one of us has to run out for a family emergency or something, you never stop us. You're always there if we need help, and you've done a damn good job of rehabilitating this unit's image over the last three years."
"But"? He presses when Kim trails off.
"But … you tend to do so at the expense of yourself. You take on everything, and you don't really ask for help nor do you accept it when it's offered. You're usually the last one in here most nights, finishing up paperwork or something else when we're all heading home."
"That's how I make sure you all get to head home at a decent hour! I have certain responsibilities that come with running this unit." Jay says frustratedly.
"No one's denying that you have a lot on your plate," Antonio interjects "what we're saying is that we can understand why Erin might not always feel like a priority in your life. I don't think you intentionally try to make her feel that way but, you tend to carry all these 'responsibilities' on your own. You don't delegate very well Jay. It's like you don't think we would help you if you asked us to."
"Of course, I know that you would." Jay says.
"Then why don't you ever ask us? Antonio knows how to do a lot of the extra stuff, he could even sit in for some of the meetings you have with the higher-ups occasionally. I've almost always got my paperwork finished well before my shift is done, so I could always help you with some of yours or whatever else you needed to do. Even my husband's pretty handy when he wants to be."
Adam rolls his eyes at his wife "you say the sweetest things to me Darlin'."
Jay chuckles softly as Kim continues "The point is, you could delegate, and ask us to help you, but you choose not to. Why is that?"
"I don't know … I guess I just always saw it as my responsibility as a Sergeant. I figured it meant I had to do it alone because I was the one running the team, I had to set the example for you guys."
"Voight always told us that this unit was a family, and that still stands now. There's no I in Team, remember that Jay. You can always lean on us when you need." Adam says.
Antonio nods in agreement "We're always here to help. Especially if it concerns you and Erin. Adam's right, we're a family. And we would do whatever it takes to make sure your family doesn't suffer the consequences of this job. You've always got us in your corner on that."
Jay smiles sheepishly "Uh, well in that case, you think you could manage without me tonight? Because if I don't leave the office in the next half an hour, I'm going to be late for marriage counselling and I doubt my wife will be pleased with that."
"What the hell are you wanting for?" Burgess asks "Move your ass, Halstead."
A/N: Okay, so this wasn't originally where I wanted to end the chapter BUT this upcoming therapy session for them is one of the most crucial – in my opinion – so I wanted to take the time to show you both Jay and Erin's conversations leading up to that session in full detail and their perspectives of their situation and the argument last session. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Next one will be Erin's version of the day, and then their therapy session.
Please let me know what you think in the review, they really do help so much :)