Author's note: warning for this chaper: LEMONS. Unfortunately, the plot is also somewhat moved forward during the lemons, so I can message a summary of what happens sans lemons if you would rather skip them. Just let me know!
Chapter 25
For the next few weeks, they fell into a comfortable rhythm. Lexa fulfilled her duties as Heda, Clarke was getting to know various Polis people, her friends also seeming to adjust to life in Polis. Roan, true to his word, met with Clarke and her friends. He brought Echo, much to Bellamy's discomfort, to update on their efforts to find Mark Johnson.
Bellamy glared at Echo the whole time, the Azgeda spy pretending not to notice. When the meeting ended, she followed Bellamy out.
"Bellamy, I was following orders," she said simply.
He turned to her, rage on his face. "Is that how you justify it?" he seethed.
"Yes," she responded, holding her composure, "You can't tell me that you've never been ordered to do something that you believed was right at the time, even if you didn't necessarily like it."
He continued to glare at her, "If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have…Pike would never have been able to rise to power."
"And if the mountain had never started taking us for blood, Clarke would have never become Wanheda. If that wouldn't have happened, Skaikru would never have been seen as a power, and Lexa's leadership wouldn't have been questioned. We can shift blame all we like, Bellamy. I thought you might understand now why I had to do it," she didn't back away from his glare.
He tried to hold onto his rage, wanted to continue blaming her and Azgeda. Had he not lost Gina…but she was right and he understood it now better than he wished he did. He let out a breath, "I still don't like you."
She smiled at him, "That's fine, but you can stop glaring at me every time you see me. We both want the same thing."
She turned and started walking away. He ran his hand through his hair. He had a lot to make up for to Clarke and his people, maybe making peace with Echo would be a good step towards that.
"Echo!" he yelled, more harshly than he meant. She stopped and turned towards him, raising an eyebrow at him. He walked up to her, "Do you want to make it up to me?" She gave him an incredulous look, wondering what he was suggesting and how offended she would be.
"Teach me your language. I can't keep Raven or Clarke safe here if I don't know what people are saying," he said.
She thought for a minute, "Fine." Then she walked away.
Lexa and Clarke had been working on how to overcome her nightmares. Titus even joined in sometimes, helping Clarke to calm her mind and address her fears. It seemed to be helping; the nightmares still came nearly every night, but not as intensely. She was able to work through them quickly and started seeing themes. An underlying one was fear that her friends or Lexa would abandon her, but only time would prove that false. Another was fear that what happened to her would happen to those she loved. That one was harder to work through, as was them seeing what had happened and being harshly affected by it. Lexa reminded her that the more she processed and healed, the more they would as well.
They had shared a few more kisses as they lay in bed at night, but nothing as intensely as when they hadn't seen each other. Clarke tried not to be bothered by it. She wanted more, but her insecurities got in the way. What if Lexa didn't want that anymore? The looks Lexa would sometimes give her before she was able to hide it showed that that wasn't likely to be the case. Then Clarke would wonder if she would ever be capable of that type of intimacy. Would Lexa still want her near if all they did was kiss or cuddle? Even if she was okay with that, would it really be fair to her?
They lay in bed one night and Lexa could tell Clarke was deep in thought. She turned to her side and gave Clarke a questioning look.
"Kiss me?" Clarke asked quietly.
Lexa gave her a small smile before leaning over her and kissing her. Clarke kissed her back, her hand going to the back of Lexa's neck. The kiss grew in intensity, their passion flowing through their mouths. Clarke reached for Lexa's hand and guided it to her breast.
Lexa broke the kiss, her eyes glazed in passion, but she needed to make sure she didn't let it overpower her and go further than Clarke was comfortable. She met Clarke's eyes as she gently cupped Clarke's breast, never breaking eye contact. She squeezed lightly before running her thumb over her nipple, enjoying the slight gasp from Clarke as her eyes further darkened in arousal.
Clarke reached up and pulled Lexa's lips to her own, Lexa continuing her ministrations on Clarke's breast. Clarke wanted more. She broke the kiss, Lexa pulling back slightly to look at Clarke, checking to make sure Clarke was okay. Clarke held her eyes as she sat up to remove her loose nightgown, pulling it down passed her shoulders and then down to her waist, exposing herself to Lexa. Lexa wetted her lips, not able to stop herself from looking at the beauty in front of her, before looking back at Clarke.
Clarke laid back down, pulling Lexa back to her, "Please…touch me, Lexa." Her voice was husky.
Lexa was cautious, warring within herself, wanting to ravish Clarke, but wanting to go slow and make sure she didn't make Clarke uncomfortable. She kissed Clarke's lips gently, before moving to her cheeks, then her neck, and finally running kisses down Clarke's chest, between her breasts, as her hands came up to cup them, her thumbs running over her hardening nipples.
Clarke's breathing picked up as her stomach began getting butterflies in it. It felt good, so good. Lexa continued to go lower, her tongue circling Clarke's navel, before going just a little lower. Then, she made her way back up, kissing the underside of Clarke's breast. She kissed around it, Clarke's breathing picking up further, before replacing her fingers with her mouth, gently kissing and running her tongue over her nipple.
Clarke let out a low moan, encouraging Lexa to continue, which she happily did, her mouth working one breast while her hand continued moving on the other. Clarke's legs began moving, the building pressure between her legs becoming uncomfortable.
"Lexa, please," she breathed out, pleading.
Lexa responded by moving her mouth to the other breast, causing Clarke's breathing to pick up as another gasp escaped her. There was something coiling deep inside her, begging to be released. She knew the familiar feeling, but it felt new every time.
She pulled Lexa back to her lips, her, their kisses messy, as Lexa's hands continued their torment. Clarke grabbed one of them and pulled it lower, Lexa pulling back to search Clarke's eyes for any hint of hesitation. Finding none, she let Clarke guide her hand, her other hand pulling the nightgown further down her hips.
The first touch on the inside of her thighs suddenly had the images filling her head. No longer was it Lexa's hand, but theirs. Clarke stiffened, holding her breath, trying to force the images away. Lexa immediately removed her hand, coming up to caress Clarke's cheek.
"It's okay, Clarke," Lexa said as she lay half on top and half to the side of Clarke.
Clarke took a few calming breaths before letting herself look at Lexa, "I'm sorry." Then the tears started to fall.
Lexa wiped them away, kissing where they had fallen. She was having a hard time stopping herself from touching Clarke. When Clarke had calmed down, Lexa asked, "What happened?"
"I don't know. It was good. It felt so good and then…I saw them and they were touching me," Clarke said, trying to hide her shame, "I knew it was you and I wanted you to touch me, but…I'm so sorry."
"It's okay, Clarke. It's going to take time and that's okay," Lexa said, leaning in to kiss her shoulder, still trying to stop touching Clarke and failing.
"You're not upset with me? What if this is as far as I can ever go?" Clarke said, so frustrated with herself.
Lexa smiled mischievously, "Then, I plan on going that far with you as often as I can." She kissed Clarke's neck softly before looking back up at her.
Clarke couldn't help smiling back, "So, you want to keep trying like every night?" She asked, desire coming back into her eyes.
"I'd keep trying every hour of every day if that's what you wanted," Lexa said, only half exaggerating.
Clarke laughed before pulling Lexa in for another kiss. "I suppose I should put my clothes back on," she said after they finally broke apart.
Lexa gave her another mischievous look, "You don't have to. I wouldn't mind if you kept them off." Clarke raised he eyebrows at her before Lexa rolled her eyes and said, "Fine, put your clothes back on."
They started out by snuggling, but Clarke couldn't seem to stop herself from kissing Lexa. It wasn't as needy and desperate as it had been, but it was growing quickly in intensity. This time she rolled Lexa onto her back, before trailing kisses down her neck, causing Lexa to moan lightly in the back of her throat. Clarke liked that sound, smiling as she continued kissing down to Lexa's collarbone.
"Clarke," Lexa's voice was breathy.
Clarke stopped just long enough to look at Lexa, before crashing her lips back on Lexa's. "Can I touch you, Lexa?" her voice had become breathy as well, her eyes glazed.
"I don't want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, Clarke," Lexa sat up on her elbows, pulling herself back from their passion enough to check in on her love.
"Lexa, I want to touch you. I'm not ready for you to touch me yet, but I want to touch you. Can I touch you?" she searched Lexa's eyes and then smiled when Lexa gave a small nod. Then, she went on, kissing down her shoulder, removing her nightgown as she went, Lexa suddenly unable to keep herself up on her elbows and falling back onto the bed.
Clarke trailed kisses down the valley between Lexa's breasts, her eyes going to Lexa, looking for any hesitancy in them, before cupping one in her palm. She watched as Lexa closed her eyes and made a sound of pleasure. It was the sweetest sound Clarke had ever heard and she wanted to hear it at all times. Her mouth came to replace her hand, her tongue circling over the hardening nub teasingly. Her other hand went to the other breast, causing more noises to escape from Lexa and her breathing to pick up. Clarke smiled as she took Lexa's nipple into her mouth, Lexa's hand coming to caress Clarke's hair, urging her to continue.
Clarke moved to the other breast and continued the sweet torture, Lexa's legs beginning to move restlessly. Then, Clarke began to kiss down her stomach, her hands continuing to touch her breasts. She looked up at Lexa, their eyes holding contact, as Clarke silently asked permission to go further. Lexa nodded and Clarke slipped her nightgown down her hips and legs.
She kissed her thighs, making Lexa make a whining noise in the back of her throat. Clarke smiled against the inside of her thigh, before continuing.
"Clarke," Lexa said, a little more urgently than she intended, "please."
Clarke didn't ease her torture, continuing to slowly kiss the insides of Lexa's thighs, slowly circling to her center, while Lexa's breathing became more erratic. Finally, Clarke used her tongue on Lexa's center, gently circling the nub there. Lexa arched her back, pushing herself more into Clarke's mouth. Clarke acquiesced, sucking and using her tongue to continue to make Lexa make those sweet sounds.
"Clarke, I'm so close," Lexa breathed out, not noticing that she had switched to Trigedasleng. Clarke didn't stop what her mouth was doing, but brought one hand down, the other still working one of Lexa's breasts, to bring between Lexa's legs. Lexa was soaked, Clarke slipping her finger in easily, before curling it inside of Lexa. Lexa cried out as Clarke moved within her, her hands going to Clarke's head, holding her there, urging her to continue, which Clarke was all too happy to do. She felt Lexa begin to quiver around her finger, continuing her movements as she felt Lexa orgasm around her. She continued with slow movements as Lexa rode out her pleasure, easing her back down. Then, she climbed back up Lexa's body, leaving kisses on Lexa's glistening body as she went, before reaching her lips, letting Lexa taste herself on her tongue. They kissed languishingly, coming back to themselves. Finally, the necessity of air pulled them apart and Clarke smiled at Lexa.
"I missed that," she said, laying on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa turned to her, searching her eyes, making sure she was okay. Clarke smiled, leaning in to kiss Lexa on the nose, causing Lexa to giggle. She sighed contentedly.
"I missed that, too," Lexa said, then frowned slightly.
"Was it that bad?" Clarke teased, feigning offense.
"Clarke," Lexa chastised lightly "that was amazing. I just feel like I took advantage of you."
"Lexa, how was that taking advantage of me? If anything, I took advantage of you. I found it completely unfair that I had been naked and you weren't, so I corrected that," Clarke said with laughter in her eyes, as she lay her head on Lexa's chest to better look at her.
Lexa caressed Clarke's hair, wanting to put into words how she was feeling, but Clarke beat her to it, "You wish it could be reciprocated."
Lexa smiled softly, "I understand why it can't yet."
Clarke smiled mischievously again, "We can always keep trying…but not tonight. I'm a bit tired. Someone had me extra busy tonight."
Lexa laughed, pulling Clarke up for a kiss and then wrapping her arms around her, "I suppose I should put my clothes back on."
Clarke held onto her more tightly, shaking her head. She released Lexa after a moment, swallowing her insecurities; Lexa had literally just seen her naked. She slowly pulled her nightgown over her shoulders and down her hips, throwing it to the end of the bed. Lexa sucked in a breath, reminding herself that Clarke said they could try again, but not tonight.
"We're working on getting comfortable again, right?" Clarke said a little sheepishly, a blush starting to form, making Lexa's eyes darken with desire again. "Maybe this can be a step towards being more comfortable."
Lexa pulled her back down to her, wrapping her arms back around her. It was difficult to stop her hands from wandering Clarke's body, but she forced herself to be satisfied with just running her hands up and down Clarke's back, causing gooseflesh to pop up following her caress. She reached down and pulled the blanket up, encasing them in it.
She was almost asleep when Clarke spoke, "Did you know you speak Trig when you're close to cumming?"
"I did not!" Lexa said, laughing and trying to remember if she had spoken Gonasleng or Trigedasleng.
"You did! It was beautiful," she said, looking at Lexa. She gave her one more soft kiss on her chest, wrapping her arms around her more tightly, "Go to sleep, Lexa."
Lexa kissed Clarke's nose, making Clarke giggle, before speaking, "You amaze me, Clarke."
They fell asleep and this night the nightmares stayed away.