A/N: Luke meets Diana, Spencer feels anxious...

Chapter Twenty Five

The Many Lives To Have

Spencer was scared - somewhat illogically and annoyingly frightened. He didn't want to be, he logically berated any flare up of anxiety around the task of the day but in the back of his mind he couldn't shake it. Himself and Luke were visiting Diana today and he couldn't get the nagging voices out of his mind that it was going to go badly. Logic said it wouldn't. The illogical anxiety demon however wouldn't shut up about it being a catastrophe. It wasn't a lack of faith in Luke at all, it was just something he couldn't address in theory - the idea that someone, anyone, might change their mind and leave. Spencer had an increased chance of developing dementia in his later years, it wasn't guaranteed but it was a concern, and this was after he felt mostly passed any anxieties around schizophrenia though it wasn't impossible for him still to show symptoms of that too.

He couldn't help it - what if Luke didn't want to risk it? He wouldn't blame him, Luke has the right to choose a certain life, a partner that he can share a retirement with, someone he doesn't have to care for in such a devastating and demanding way, Spencer wouldn't judge him for walking away and frankly he would rather the man do so early rather than bail later on because it was too hard. Spencer might have nothing wrong with him but it was an increased risk, and when Luke got a proper glimpse into what the diseases looked like any expectation that he would handle it might change, he might learn just what he could be signing up for and leave.

Luke had briefly seen Diana before and introduced himself politely before their relationship had started and it was amongst all the bother around prison and he had never been around her personally enough to have much interaction, he certainly hadn't seen her unwell. It was before New Years and they'd been lucky with no cases and with any luck Penelope's New Years get together would also still be on, like a mercy for their first year together, no doubt the world going to even out soon enough but not today.

Luke never called him out on it, someone lesser might point out how some lack of trust was insulting or similar, but not Luke, he was okay with how the genius zoned out from time to time or how nervous fingers tapped his knee. Because he wasn't put upon by his partner's worry, he was empathetic. In truth, Luke knew what he was signing up for, he might not have the most experience around those with dementia but, while he did wish Spencer didn't have these concerns at all, even just as a friend he wouldn't want him to go through it alone, the sweet and incredible person Reid was should have someone to look after him should he need it and while he could tell the man that a million times over that wouldn't help. This couldn't be accepted in theory, it had to happen, they needed to get through the day and for Luke stay at the end of it.

When the pair finally reached the support facility and signed in Spencer was visibly jittery so Luke reached out to take his hand, his thumb caressing over fine knuckles in a soothing manner and giving a reassuring squeeze, the nerves didn't disappear but they lessened as Luke was there for him. They went to where the woman sat reading in a communal area, whatever the book was looked intimidatingly big with tiny writing and her spectacles perched on her nose thoroughly engrossed in the words. "Hey mom" Spencer said, his voice soft and only to get her attention, if she was having difficulty recalling memories now would be the time for it to present.

The woman looked up from the page and looked directly at her son, it took a few seconds of her scanning his face which alone was often difficult to handle, it showed that in that moment she wasn't existing as her full self, but luckily the image of the genius was enough to jog her mind into its regular self. For all it was hard sometimes there was also something sweet about seeing momentarily vacant eyes turn on like a switch, brighter and alert and breaking into a big smile. "Oh Spencer, my boy" she said warmly and set her book and glasses aside before standing and hugging her son much to his relief he got to hold his mother in a kind greeting. "You're so thin still" she said pulling away and eyeing him "but better" she said as a caring mother could.

"It's good to see you mom, how are you feeling?" he asked and watched her for any signs of stress but she seemed fine if a bit tired.

"I'm alright," she smiled as she continued to scan his face, just how any mother might look over her child, she then turned and eyed the man standing by Spencer curiously, neither blamed her for not recognising him given the briefness and stress of the last time they'd been in a room together.

"Hi, Mrs. Reid" Luke introduced himself with a smile "I'm Luke Alvez, I-" to both their surprise the woman suddenly grew more animated and interrupting him, her hands suggesting hearing the name was jogging some part of her memory, before she grabbed her handbag shuffling through it saying "oh yes, yes, you were in some of Spencer's letters," and she found a couple of them, opening and scanning the contents to jog her memory and back up the fact that she'd recalled the name correctly to some degree.

Better yet as she familiarised herself with the letters again she smiled and gave the ex-ranger a full stare, taking in everything she could about him and he let her, this went on for a while and just before anyone else spoke Diana turned to her son and said "you've picked a handsome one, Spencer." Both chuckled in some shock at how well she had adjusted to the information as tension broke, her eyes narrowing at times as she continued to analyse everything she could but overall she was doing very well.

"Why thank you, ma'am" Luke said softly and she seemed to like how he smiled, nothing too formal and very honestly presented in front of her which she much preferred.

"Come, sit," she gestured and left no room for argument and Spencer sat on the two person sofa with his mother while Luke took the close by armchair facing them both. "So you are dating my son, Luke" she said and Luke thought it might be wise for a moment to be wary, Diana able to be quite pointed as she speaks, but it wasn't needed "and from the letters you seem to be very precious to my boy" she said as her hand moved to the side to clasp over Spencer's fondly "and I'm sure there is good reason."

And after that things flowed nicely, she was mostly asking about work and hoping the men were keeping safe, also that Luke would keep an eye out for her son on the dangerous adventures of theirs, she asked after Luke's own family and then said "so Spencer wrote about you having a dog?"

Spencer smiled widely at that as Luke answered "yes, I do…her name's Roxy, my sister got her for me after I left the military and getting settled with the FBI, she helped" Luke explained. Having been an ex-ranger and being in the fugitive task force Luke meant he could 'survive' on very little, he could hide out for long periods of time and it was getting Roxy that made him venture out and face the world when he didn't have to, a real help to acclimatise to regular life again.

"What's she like?" Diana asked.

"Playful, excellent training but always happy - she loves this one" Luke said pointing out Spencer with a smile "always wants cuddles and a proper guard dog for both of us."

This went over well with Reid's mother as she nodded "you know, Arthur Conan Doyle once wrote 'a dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones.' - I think I could have asked you a thousand questions about you and not have gotten as clear an answer of your character as I have by asking about Roxy."

Luke sat in awe, thoroughly impressed as he watched Diana's smile move to smirking in a clever way that all of a sudden reminded him of her son, able to see they were related in the cheekiness. "Well if I'm going to be reflected in anybody, Roxy's a good one to go by" Luke replied "a man is known by the company he keeps, after all" he smiled, replying with the wise Aesop quote and implying he could also be represented in Spencer, no doubt a shining example and Diana too nodded in an impressed manner.

"I like you" she said sharply, knowing it would be of strong relief to him.

The three sat and talked, Luke and Diana got to know each other better, also getting to know Spencer even better through the obligatory proud mother stories and talk of the genius' childhood. At some point Spencer left to talk to the nurses about his mother's care and said he wouldn't be long, and the moment he was out of sight the older woman looked Alvez straight in the eyes and was unreadable for a moment, it lasted longer than one might expect but eventually she spoke and boldly "if you hurt him…" she started yet another shovel talk "if you take him for granted one moment…I will claw your eyes out…" she said with clenched saw and serious eyes, she meant it, something primal in it and he didn't doubt it for a moment. She watched him long enough to see he understood and wasn't laughing or cocky before she added almost sweetly "but they're awfully lovely eyes you have so don't make me do that, okay?"

Luke nodded, and then it was the slight smile laced with warmth back over her features and Luke swore he'd faced unsubs not as scary as her but he appreciated it all the same. "I won't" Luke promised, his voice sincere "I feel beyond lucky to even know him and be his friend…to have more is a blessing" and by the happy glint in her eye he knew he'd made a connection "I cherish him deeply - you have a wonderful son."

She took in those kind and honest words and nodded a confident "I know" and this time she laughed through it, "but I'm glad you know too."

They got to talking about music and some literature before she very suddenly seemed to tire, her responses were slower and she was less animated and Spencer returned to them, he instantly saw she was a little slumped and gave a slightly sad smile to both his mother and his boyfriend but took a deep breath accepting the reality that her moments of wellness couldn't last forever. He took his seat next to her again only this time not as confidently able to hold her hand or get her attention but spoke softly "hey mom, how are you feeling?"

She was taking balanced breaths almost like one would in meditating but it was likely just relaxing to her as she took a little while to respond "…tired, sweetie" she got out and Spencer just nodded, at least she knew he was her son still.

"That's okay, mom" he said "would you like to take a rest or have a snack?" he suggested.

Her response however did show a shift in her mindset, her illness showing alongside her fatigue "oh don't be worrying about me, did you finish your homework?"

At the turn of conversation Spencer paused, taking in the fact that his mothers dementia was affecting her and she was suddenly placed back years ago with no newer memories, likely currently without the knowledge she'd been speaking to Luke as his boyfriend at all anymore. The trouble was there really wasn't a right way to handle it, sometimes it was clearly important to try and remind people of reality and see if it helped and sometimes it was preferred not to stress them, no easy answer given and often you just had to listen to your gut.

"Yeah mom" Spencer answered with a bittersweet smile, more to comfort her that nothing was wrong than anything else. Being so suddenly thrust into facing his mothers illness at all never mind after things had been going so well, it hurt, like a sudden impact in a car crash everything was smooth and safe and the next uneven and harsh. And yet the instinct was to smile through it and hope it would keep things calmer somehow.

She smiled and reached a hand up to Spencer's cheek and gave a soft pat proudly "that's my boy."

Luke could see Spencer's eyes start to water, it was hard to watch for a moment but he was here all the same, he even reached over silently and held Spencer's hand. Diana didn't notice but Reid did as hazel eyes looked to him, the reassuring squeeze reminding him he wasn't alone in this and had someone to lean on when things got tough. The memory of his previous anxieties coming up as well, the fact that Luke stayed with him at least for now was a good sign and he felt some relief.

Diana continued by asking about his day in school and Spencer played along however lightly, but decided to use more of a distraction technique rather than encourage the scene in her mind for too long, he asked about her books and she started rambling about her classes. Part way through she realised Luke was still there and her eyes narrowed to try and place him or the situation, what was happening in her mind not lining up with reality and Luke didn't aggravate her, he just waited for her to reach a conclusion. Eventually she reached a sort of answer in deciding she didn't know who he was at all, "who are you?"

Luke didn't hesitate and answered "I'm Luke Alvez, I'm with Spencer" he said vaguely so she could interpret the word 'with' as she felt ready to do so.

She again tried to settle this information in her brain and eventually started nodding "does your mother know you're here?" she checked and she likely thought Luke was of schooling age to match her time placement of memories and to correlate him with her son, however difficult that might seem to be true it easily happened and did happen to many patients.

"Yes" he lied. Both men were suddenly looking to the nurse who was approaching and with an apologetic smile she didn't even need to speak from them to know Diana needed her meds and to sleep so Luke gave her a warm smile and said "thank you so much for welcoming me here today Mrs Reid, it was so good to meet you" his voice sincere and whether she could relate it to reality or him just being a grateful guest in general either way he wanted her to know her time and energy was very appreciated.

To both men's joy she did smile brightly, "well aren't you a polite one, you're very welcome and I'm glad Spencer's found a friend so nice" she complimented before turning to the genius and said "he's a good boy, that Luke, I do hope you'll invite him along again?"

Spencer just smiled and nodded, clearly trying to keep himself calm but glad that despite her illness she was able to feel good "of course, mom." The nurse then gently reminded Diana that it was time to take her meds and the woman huffed in annoyance but didn't fight it, though she did complain that she 'didn't need them' for a moment and stood as did the men.

"You look after yourself, okay mom?" Spencer said as he brought her into a soft hug "I have to head out so you get you're rest" he encouraged and she nodded before placing her hands on either side of his face and placing a loving kiss to his forehead and said a small "you worry too much sometimes, Spencer" and her words were a little tough to hear given the larger narrative at hand between them that she couldn't understand. As she followed the nurse she unexpectedly went to pat Luke on the back and said "Spencer, you'll walk Luke home right?" he nodded "yeah mom" and both appreciated the caring motherly nature that went into such a question and with that she left, waving to both boys as she went.

Rather than drive and fly back the same night they'd booked a hotel to stay in, the short trip had both men's minds filled with thoughts and the genius' especially, unable to completely stop his eyes from welling up though he would blink the tears away. He wasn't necessarily sad, maybe a little that he could never offer the same family experience Luke's side of things did, the big family with open arms and a rock to lean on when needed, maybe Spencer was frustrated that he couldn't do more for her or figure out some way to just deal with his emotions more effectively. But it was hard. The whole thing was like it had been designed to twist your gut and hurt in all the sensitive spots possible just for the hell of it. Dementia able to leave just enough of the person you were simultaneously trying to make the person smile and cherish what you could with them yet being faced with goodbyes while the person literally looked you in the eye and would for a while to come.

The instant the pair had gotten into their room, dropped their bags and lay on the bed on their sides facing each other, holding the other and letting the events of the day wash over them as Luke rubbed circles in his boyfriend's back. "Spence…you gotta talk to me" Luke said after a while, "if it helps at all, yeah of course she's not well…but it was great getting to know her, she's one cool lady" Luke said to try and make him feel better and Spencer did manage to smile at the last part.

"You think so?" he asked, knowing the 'meeting the parents' experiences had been vastly different, and while Reid was proud to be his mother's son and stood by her in her illness, not shying away from how important she was and still is to him he understood it could be disappointing.

Luke placed an affectionate kiss to his lover's messy hair and answered "yeah, I can see where you get your cheekiness too, by the way" he said and finally he got the genius to chuckle "I also got another shovel talk" Luke added fondly.

"You're not disappointed?" Spencer asked and Luke had to think over just why his boyfriend might ask that.

"Of course not…" he said honestly "parents don't exist in a vacuum, life happens…and while I'd wish dementia as a thing didn't exist at all, she's awesome and I'm so glad I got to meet her like she was today" and those words seemed to helped a little. Spencer nodded but didn't speak and so Luke tried another tactic "were you worried I'd react badly to today?" There was a tense pause, Luke now well aware of the issue, before the genius nodded shyly. "Did you think I wouldn't like her?" he tried and Spencer took a moment but shook his head, good, "were you worried I'd freak out about her illness?"

Spencer's nerves went into overdrive for a moment, he felt like while the day had gone so well in many aspects, having been able to introduce Luke to his mother and for him to actually meet her as her, her personality coming through, all it took was the briefest reminder that those moments were slipping away to make it all feel like it was crumbling down around him. And then there was his fear that Luke might leave, that he might catch a glimpse of the reality he was risking committing himself to and change his mind. With a heavy heart Spencer nodded and with an almost painful feeling of relief Luke's hold on him tightened, pulling him closer.

Deciding he needed the genius to talk in more than nods and shakes of the head Luke asked "why did you think I'd freak out?" and waited patiently for an answer, not pressing him in the fragile moment.

Spencer tried to summon the words, some way to make it all make sense without balling his eyes out or sounding like the biggest scaredy cat or like he doubted Luke for a moment but no magic mixture helped that puzzle come to a solution. He felt the well of emotions overflow and he tried to hold it back but blinking away the tears wasn't enough, a rebellious tear soaking Luke's sleeve he was rested on and a small sniffle escaping him. "I just" came the fist couple of difficult words before he just made himself say it "I was scared y-you'd see what it was like…and not want to risk…" Spencer's voice broke a little as he tried to keep himself calm enough to speak, Luke doing everything he could to reassure him he was in a safe space by his hold and gentle touches. "It's so hard to deal with…I wouldn't blame you for choosing not to be with me over it…I just…I'm sorry," his voice cracked "I just got a fright and I-"

"Spence…" Luke said so softly and with such love fuelled into it Spencer felt so silly for ever having been worried but the man continued to shower him with affection, the hug tightened and a kiss was placed on his temple "don't be sorry, I can't imagine what it's like to see your mom like that…" he sympathised, "but you don't have to worry about me leaving, okay?" he made sure to say loud and clear "I knew all that stuff when we were friends, I wouldn't have lead you on if I thought for one moment I would just bail on you…and meeting your mom hasn't changed my mind."

Spencer shook in his arms, sniffling harder and the genius' own arms seeking his boyfriend wrapping around Luke's middle, fingertips pressed into the muscular back. "Luke…I just…it's okay if you did…I'm just trying to understand…I…why would you choose that?" he managed to ask through stressed breathing and tears.

Luke chose his words carefully but didn't have to think to hard, after all he had been honest, he knew about the risks and rightfully so he never took them lightly, but they never measured up to the alternative, what they could have was well worth going after. "Spence…you didn't choose your mom, but you wouldn't give up any good moment just because she's sick now, right?" Luke asked and it made the genius pause, listening intently as he answered "of course, she's my mom" like that was all the logic it took. "And…" Luke continued "if it was the other way around…if it was me, what would you do?"

Spencer bit his lip before taking a steadying breath "I'd stay" he answered simply.

"Why?" Luke put back to him.

"Luke it doesn't matter why I would…the fact is that it's your choice" Spencer sent it back "you won't necessarily have the same reasons as me, and…" he trailed at a loss and Luke didn't reject any part of the process, just letting the genius feel through it, the fright still very alive in him although not as badly as before.

Luke nodded and pulled Spencer closer, laying back and letting Spencer rest against his chest, tucking the messy head of hair under his chin the ex-ranger bared his soul on the topic. "You're right, it's my choice, so it's my reasons" he asserted, closing his eyes and taking in the scent of his boyfriend's hair for a moment as he found the words to speak next. "I have to be realistic…we're both in good jobs and with good healthcare and retirement plans, for practical reasons we don't have to worry about being unable to support it" he first got the coldest and most logical part out of the way "you might not even have it, we might get to grow old together and I still wanna hold your hand…" and with that Luke started to tear up a little too "but even if you do, or if we have to live our lives afraid it might strike whether it happens or not…it's worth it" he said simply. "I know it would be hard…but if you're gonna go through that I want to be the one that's there…making sure your good moments are the best moments and the worst are in a safe place…"

That part hit Spencer hard, reminded of how he had his mother move in with him for a while and all that time seeking programmes and ways to help her illness, wanting to be there for her, to fix whatever he could for her and eventually settle on the best for her, her comfort. He thought for a moment that would be it but Luke surprised him by speaking up again "do you think your mom, in those moments that she has her memories but is aware enough to know she's sick, to know she's forgetting…do you think for one moment she regrets having lived her life? Having pursued academia or having you? Of course not…" and to that the genius lay in awe, the truth laid out so clearly for the first moment since he'd first been given reason to fear his own mind. "Cariño, I want a life with you, not some impossible guarantee that no one can give."

"Besides, in our jobs? and life in general? Spence…there could be a bomb or a bullet or whatever else and if I decided to never commit to someone because it might end in a difficult way? What kind of life is that?" Luke argued and found himself blinking away tears, placing another kiss to the man he loves more than anything's hair, holding him like the most precious thing in the universe.

Reid nodded and found his voice amongst the array of feelings bombarding his heart and mind, it was a little weak but it was there "I needed to hear that…" he got out and nuzzled in closer to his lover "I guess I've never talked about it properly, not like this…thank you…"

Luke moved enough that he could look into Spencer's hazel eyes, they were sparkling with fallen tears but beautiful in their own way "you don't have to thank me, I know you'd do the same…and…if it makes you feel any better just know it's not as simple as throwing caution to the wind" he said with an unexpected smile, a confidence entering the conversation "I don't know what our future holds, but…for example…if we took up a business venture, had life or other family commitments, I don't know…" he said shyly, sounding so wistful almost as he just threw all out there "so yeah you make a trust fund early if there's dependents, yeah you insure projects or whatever else, there's a way to be practical around things that matter, we don't need to walk on eggshells just because we know one particular way they could possibly crack for us down the line…"

A gentle hand brushed a wave of hair from his lover's tear soaked yet so lovely face, brown eyes conveying everything he could about his sincerity and commitment, Spencer found himself nodding, his heart finally fully accepting that his fears weren't coming to light and he felt so grateful for the amazing man in front of him. Seeing Spencer smile after all they'd talked about made Luke's heart ache, wanting to kiss the tears away and just leave that pretty expression but he accepted the moment for all it was, and that included that life was hard sometimes - but you could still smile and see what was really important through it all.

Neither knew who it was, but the distance between them disappeared as they kissed, the salt of tears faintly over lips as they embraced in a tight hold, clinging to the other for comfort and in pride at their strong relationship. "I love you so much, Luke" Spencer managed to say, the words so eagerly said, needed to be said in that moment and Luke just beamed at his partner.

"And I love you too…no matter what..."

Early in the morning Spencer had offered to pick up breakfast and coffee before the pair started their drive back to the airport, Luke had offered to go too but Spencer insisted he sleep in since he would be at the wheel and Luke knew better than to argue. Eventually however he got up anyway and took a shower, he was half way dressed when his boyfriend returned and they enjoyed their meal and sipped the much needed coffees. Things moved much as one would expect, the couple exchanging sweet touches and smiles, a weight lifted since their conversation the previous night and both had awoken refreshed, even empowered.

However what Luke hadn't anticipated was that as they reached the hire car Luke saw something had been left on the bonnet, a bouquet, and as he looked at his boyfriend the telltale smirk let him know Spencer had got it for him. Grinning Luke reached the flowers and saw beautiful big blooms of them, a mass of smaller petals all working together, and while he wasn't an expert in flowers he recognised them to be purple and blue hydrangeas. Holding the flowers up he took in the delicate scent and gazed at his genius, knowing full well now why Spencer had insisted he fetch their breakfasts alone.

"Thank you…they're beautiful, what do they mean?" Luke asked and Spencer's hazel eyes glinted in a way that was his only warning to prepare his heart for the sweetest answer, something so simple and yet impactful.

"They are a symbol of gratitude…and they mean 'you understand me'."

Quote: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

― Søren Kierkegaard