I bolt upright and turn to the edge of the bed throwing up. No nightmares in a month means nothing when I saw someone die. I immediately feel exhausted and unable to move, only able to throw up. Eventually I can only dry heave, but I keep seeing the man die, with his blood on my hands.
"Leilah!" I hear Starshadow yell for me. He's perched on Shen's shoulder as Shen runs into the room. I give a weak groan.
"I'll clean it up." I whisper and move to get up. Shen is quick to dodge the puddle of sick and pushes me back down.
"I'll take care of it. You rest." Shen stays to make sure I don't fight him. I nod and relax. He leaves to go find some cleaning supplies.
You need more rest. Starshadow tells me.
"I can't. I keep seeing his face as he dies. I feel his death next to me in Bilgewater."
They're not the same thing, Leilah.
"I watched him die from a horrible condition. If I didn't have you save me, that could have easily been me." I whisper. Starshadow is silent for a moment.
It wasn't you, Leilah. Let it go.
"It could have been me. I know what he was thinking. He was scared."
Unlike you, he died. You're alive.
""It could have been me."
But it wasn't. Don't let that affect you.
"IT COULD HAVE BEEN ME, STARSHADOW!" I scream. "I could have been in his place."
I could have been in his place too, dying to a being beyond my power! At the top of Mount Targon, you think they were going to let me live? Hell, no. If you had accepted anyone other than Aurora, I would have been killed right then and there. We both know it. You saved me, and I am grateful to it everyday. You can't feel guilty for them, Leilah.
"How can you say that?" I whisper.
I've lived a long life. I can't keep grieving for each individual person, Leilah.
"Why not?"
Cause you all live depressingly short lives? Starshadow snarks. I glare at him before forcing myself to stand up.
"Excuse me, Starshadow. I'm going outside. Don't follow." I snarl. Starshadow is taken aback enough for me to hobble out the door. I lean against the walls of the little hovel as I make my way outside. It's dark outside. I fall onto the ground outside and just start crying. Someone's hand touches my shoulder. I flinch and pull away before I realize that it was Shen next to me.
"You shouldn't be outside, Leilah." Shen mentions as he takes a seat next to me.
"I can't be inside. Bad dream." I explain. Shen nods. I look at the stars for a moment, looking for Pantheon's constellation. I couldn't find it. I start to cry, never realizing how much looking up at the stars and seeing Pantheon and the other constellations I knew is gone in Ionia.
"What has upset you now?" Shen asks gently.
"I didn't realize how much I missed the stars I knew until now. I always drew comfort from seeing Pantheon's constellation. Now, who's constellation do I look up to now?" I whisper.
"You don't need a constellation, Leilah." Shen rubs my shoulder. "You're a shining light all by yourself."
I think about his words before I look up to the sky and will a borealis to appear. The saddest lights brighten the sky, full of blues. Shen stares at the sky and shake shis head.
"Your magic, it's beautiful. There's no need for it to be so blue. What are you feeling?" Shen pushes. I feel all my emotions from the past few months bubble to the surface. The borealis mimics it.
"I'm annoyed. Annoyed that my magic taxes me." A streak of green-yellow filters into the sky. "I'm angry that I couldn't save that man." A violent red filters into the lights. "I'm scared that I will never be able to do anything." Black sneaks into the edges in the sky. Shen shivers. "I'm afraid that I will fail." I finish.
"I'm happy to have met you." Starshadow speaks. I look at him, wary. "I'm… grateful to have a family, to be a close friend with you. I'm proud of you, you saved Yasuo and that girl, you gave Yone hope. You gave me hope too, when you let me stay by your side." Starshadow's scales change from the pure black to a soft dark green with hints of violet in them. Even his dot on his head and eyes turn a soft pink color. He glances up to the sky. I follow his gaze.
The sadness, pain, and anger of the lights have changed. They aren't purely sad anymore. Starshadow's feelings have woven into the lights. His lights slowly begin to even out my own. Now the Borealis is full of feelings. Fear, Depression, Happiness, Pride, they all weave into a beautiful sight.
"You stated that you felt you didn't have anything to look for. I don't think you will ever have to." Shen sounds breathless from just observing the lights. Interestingly enough, I feel stronger just looking at it. I reach for the sky and spread my arms wide open. The lights follow my instructions, spreading across the sky as far as the eye could see. I feel even stronger, enough for me to stand up firmly. I laugh. The borealis loses it's negative colors, becoming a beacon of comfort. Exactly what I needed.
"Thank you, Starshadow." I murmur.
Now who's the greatest snake in the world? Starshadow preens. I roll my eyes and pick him up. His scales return to their normal black and red.
"You are. I'm sorry for lashing out."
"I know why you did. I'm not mad. I'm worried about you, Leilah." Starshadow voices out loud. "Can you handle it? I'm sure Aurora would allow you to return to normal." Starshadow tempts me.
"I've started a journey. I want to see it to the end." I smile before giving a huge yawn.
"Come back to sleep, Leilah. We can start figuring out what you can use your magic for in the morning." Shen coaxes me. I nod and allow him to guide me back to my bed. The puddle of sick is gone.
"Thank you, Shen." I whisper as I go back to sleep.
"Good morning, Leilah! Rise and shine!" I hear Govos cheer. I groan.
"Why are you so happy?"
"I saw the most beautiful lights in the sky during the night and finally got some peaceful sleep. I'm happy to be happy." Govos explains. I groan and cover my head. "Come on, Leilah! I'm your training partner for today. Shen and Master are going to be going over the new evidence that you found yesterday. I get to have a break." I peak over at him.
"Who are you and what have you done with Govos?" I complain.
"Think fast!" Govos yelps as he throws a fruit. I yelp and throw my hands forward as he lets go. I feel myself get a little nauseous, a sign of my magic being used. Amazingly enough, the fruit falls at his feet. Govos didn't let go of the fruit until the end. Govos and I both look at each other in confusion. "Leilah?"
"Try again?" I ask. He picks up another fruit and attempts to toss it, only the fruit remains in his hand this time. He looks down to his fingers and attempts to let go. He even goes as far as to grab his fingers to pry himself loose, but fails. My nausea rises the longer he fights my magic.
"How are you doing that?" Govos asks. I shrug. When I'm not concentrating on his hand, he drops the fruit. The nausea reaches an all new peak. I groan and clutch it. "Interesting. That magic makes you sick?"
"My best guess, one magic can manipulate the body. Light magic and body magic." I state.
"Can you rip my skin open?" Govos asks quietly. I shake my head no.
"I can't. Discovered that when I was training with Yone. Any intent to harm I feel the pain." Govos nods before grabbing a knife and slicing it against his wrist. I yelp when I realize that his wound is deep enough that it won't stop flowing.
"What were you trying to do?" I demand. I jump over and press my hands against his wrist. The feeling of sickness increases for a bit as I actively call for that magic. My vision blurs, but I refuse to stop. Govos's blood thickens under my fingers. My breath turns shallow as the dead man's face appears before me.
"Leilah!" Govos yells in my face. I jump and back away. "Leilah, you healed me. You're a healer!" Govos cheers. I look at his wrist to see that his wound has been healed. I look at my hands, covered in his blood.
"How are you feeling?"
"The same as before I cut 't worry so much. I knew how deep I could go without killing me. But you're a healer!" Govos cheers. I roll my eyes.
"Well, if I was such a good healer, I wouldn't have lost that man." I snap.
"We had a trained healer look at him. Even they said that with their abilities, he was too far gone. They would not have been able to give him a peaceful death." Govos informs me. I blink.
"How were you able to find a healer that fast?"
"The nurse that helped you, once we had collected you and convinced him you were safe, he grabbed his Master of the healing arts. The man analyzed the wounds and told us his verdict."
"Oh." I blink. "What did he think?"
"From what he said, the magic used on him was meant to last long enough for a more experienced healer to see him. His wounds were just too great for anyone to heal him."
"So, I didn't have a chance?" I ask.
"Not really. I'm sorry Leilah." Govos hugs me. I sigh into his embrace.
"I'll be ok." I whisper.
"Good to know. Though, I have to say, I'm more interested in your ability to make me hold onto a fruit when I didn't want to." Govos comments.
"Starshadow did something similar for me. He made the man t-t-torturing me believe that he was when in reality I was healing and safe." I mention.
"Interesting… Is there anything else you can do?"
"Well, the only way to know is to try."
"As long as I am supervising!" Starshadow barks out of the blue. Both of us jump.
"Why?" Govos asks.
"Because I know that Leilah will push herself far too much and I can tell when she's too tired to keep going." Starshadow glares at me pointedly.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." I sniff, mimicking Starshadow's pompous attitude.
"Rude." Starshadow snarks. I roll my eyes. "But that's interesting. You're not throwing up."
"Well, I don't feel great." I get out before I gag harshly.
"Still, that's massive progress. First few weeks you were incredibly sick and unable to do anything after a small bit of magic. You almost died in your effort to help Yasuo. Now, you've used quite a bit of magic to manipulate our views, and you only gagged and feel a little tired. That's huge progress!"
"It's not that much, Starshadow."
"That's a huge leap! You poured your energy into healing that man and giving him peace. Not many healers can do it as quickly and strongly as you!" Starshadow argues.
"When I can use the magic without feeling the need to throw up or pass out, I'll let you know. Then we can call that progress." I shut down the topic. Govos just listens intently to our conversation for a bit. He contemplates something.
"Well, since you're not feeling super well, why don't we try training you in basic blocking?" Govos asks.
"Oh, Leilah's boyfriend already started that." Starshadow answers. I glow furiously.
"He's not my boyfriend!" I yelp.
"You have a boyfriend?" Govos asks at the same time.
"No!" I squeal.
"The monastery, the one just starting to grow a goatee, that's her boyfriend." Starshadow adds nonchalantly. I tackle him and hold his mouth shut.
"We're not dating!" I panic slightly. "He's focusing on becoming the best swordmaster he can before journeying with me."
"That sounds like someone wanting to protect you. Maybe being your boyfriend?" Govos smirks.
"He's not my boyfriend!" I repeat hotly.
Sure he's not. Starshadow snarks in my head. I glare at him. Starshadow turns his head slightly to look behind me. I duck and roll forward before turning around to see Govos' impressed face. He picks up a few strands of hair that he cut off.
"You have decently fast reflexes, but you still got caught. What would happen if I tried to grab your hair instead of cut at you? Be quick!" That's all the warning I get before Govos attacks. They are nothing like Yone's sword swings. Govos is in my face constantly. When Yone kept his distance, I had more time to react to his attacks. Govos forces me to react instinctively and instantly. It isn't long before his legs sweep my feet from under me. I barely even fall before I'm back on my feet. Govos and Starshadow are stunned.
"Leilah, how did you do that?" Starshadow asks.
"Do what?" I feel the very familiar feeling of over exertion and black out.
"Leilah! Leilah, wake up!" Starshadow's muffled voice rings in my head. I groan and twitch a finger. "She's ok."
"It appears that whatever she used, it's not very familiar to her." Shen's voice assesses.
"No kidding. I've never seen her do that before!" Starshadow argues.
"What happened?" I ask. My vision clears enough to me to see everyone, including Shen and Kusho, crowding my bed. "Guys, too close."
"You've been out for a day." Govos fills me in as he helps me sit up.
"Wait, what?"
"During your spar with Govos, your shadow melded into the air and held you up." Starshadow corrects.
"What?"
"You never touched the ground until you were back on your feet. How did you do that?"
"I don't know!"
"Have you ever manipulated the shadows before?" Shen asks.
"No, I-" I start to deny before stopping. I remember that there was one time where I used the shadows. "I used it as a shield when Starshadow was missing." I breath out.
"And Yasuo, when you gave him cover, that wasn't body manipulation. That was an actual, physical manifestation. We couldn't see what was giving him shelter. Could that have been that magic?" Starshadow asks.
"I don't know!" I yelp. I stand up a bit shakily, but manage it without too much trouble. "All I know is that I didn't want to hit the ground and I needed to get back on my feet as soon as possible. Yone taught me how to roll properly, so I just used my momentum from falling to get back on my feet!"
"That's actually fascinating. There's another magic you have. Light and shadow control."
"That makes three magics? No, that's too much for me. I'm just a farmer." I protest.
"Regardless of what you were, you are incredibly important and powerful now." Kusho interrupts.
"I pass out from using a little bit of magic! How am I powerful?"
"You can grow into those powers. You've already started. All of us can see it. You've grown stronger. Your experience in Bilgewater hasn't stopped you. You saved a person from dying in pain and fearful. From what Govos has told me about your history, you couldn't do that before." Kusho states.
"I… I... " I falter before running out the door and the hovel. It's just too much for me to handle.
Can I truly be as powerful as they believe?