Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N: This is the Perry chapter, next up we will have Rogan (Yay!). To be clear, despite Perry's admission in this chapter, he is not coming back for Rory, he is not going to make an attempt at screwing her life up...he is just coming to terms with how emotionally stunted/maybe a bit selfish he is/has been, and that will continue in my next Perry-centric chapter which is a few away. Read, review, enjoy. Hoping to have another chapter out later this week but work is kicking my butt!

Chapter Twenty Five

"Boys, don't throw the snow please," Perry warned his twin boys as they played in the backyard of his childhood home. They had been in Toronto for a couple of days and he was enjoying spending some quality time with his own family after spending the holidays with Rory and her family. It was weird, it would never not be weird, being with Lorelai and Luke, being in Stars Hollow, but not being with Rory. "Five more minutes until we go in for hot chocolate!"

"They're growing too fast," his Mother smiled from her spot beside him. "It feels like we never see them."

"You can see them whenever you want Mom, when they're with me, even when they are with Rory…I know you guys have had your ups and downs but she would never keep them from you."

"Ups and downs?" Linda laughed knowingly.

"She is a wonderful mother, she is kind to you…if I have learned anything having had you kids, it is that all I am concerned with is that you are happy. If she made you happy, she made me happy. I'm sorry if she didn't feel the same."

"She likes you Mom, I think Rory just…her family was different from ours, and I think that made her keep you guys at arms length sometimes…." he paused, he didn't want to discuss this any further. "Why don't you start the hot chocolate? I'll bring the kids in?" His mother nodded and walked inside the house, "come on boys!" Christopher and James entered the house and began tracking snow everywhere, as two little boys who didn't spend much time in snow naturally would. Eli and Luca were out with their Grandfather and would be having a sleepover at their aunts house that evening while Linda was having a movie night with the little boys so that Perry could enjoy an evening out with some of his childhood friends. "Jesus," he laughed at all the snow on the floor, "keep it on the mat!"

"It's fine," Linda assured them as she poured cocoa into two small cups and loaded them with marshmallows, "Grandma will take care of it."

"Mom they need to understand how to be respectful," Perry told her.

"They are little," his mother smiled, "let them be little."

Perry, his youngest sons and his Mother enjoyed hot chocolate and watched a movie before Perry gave the children a kiss and left the house he had grown up in, he drove familiar, tree lined streets until he reached the restaurant they were meeting at. Perry walked through the slush to the entrance and smiled as he saw the group sitting in the bar. His people. The people he had grown up with. They were friends he had played hockey with from toddlerhood into his teen years, they knew him inside and out and didn't care that he was a sports star, to them, he was still the same guy who was suspended for sneaking a hamster out of the class in seventh grade and had cottage weekends in the summer. "It's been a while," Perry smiled as he embraced them all individually.

"Perry freakin Cramer, how are you doing man?" his best friend since birth, and the man his youngest son was named after, James Smith, smiled.

"Long time no see," Perry hugged him, "it's good to be home."

"You're about to be a hell of a lot closer. How does that feel?"

Perry nodded to the bartender and ordered a beer, "it feels good, but jesus, guys…I don't wanna talk about work."

"Would you rather talk about your ex being engaged to a billionaire?" James winked.

"Nah, I'm good on that."

"Come on, we haven't seen you in forever."

"Leave him alone," her voice came from a few chairs over and her blonde hair and long legs appeared a moment later, "Perry doesn't want to talk about her."

"Tracey," Perry smiled at his high school sweetheart, "didn't expect to see you."

"Well I heard our illustrious leader would be back for a few days and I figured I had to see you…for old times sake," she winked. Perry and Tracey had dated from freshman to junior year of high school and had broken up as Perry had been drafted to an AHL hockey team. "You look good."

"Age hasn't hurt you either," Perry nodded to her and then turned back towards James, "if you want to talk about Rory you'll have to buy me a few more drinks. I'm not drunk enough yet."

The group shrunk and grew over the course of the evening with a few close friends remaining a constant in the bar. Perry couldn't help but get a laugh out of Tracey's attempt at flirting, it was almost as if she believed that twenty years hadn't passed and they were still the same kids they were when they met. "I have four kids Trace," he told her in response to her suggestion that he return to her condo with her. She had left which was a relief to the rest of the group, but Perry was always a little bit enamoured with her. "She hasn't changed, has she?"

"Not a bit," one of his friends, Nick, laughed. "Still has a torch for you."

"That's because she sees dollar signs," he lied, he knew that Tracey wasn't interested in wealth, she had been successful in her own right.

"Is it hard?" James asked seriously, "Finding people who aren't with you for…"

"My charming personality?" Perry grinned and took another long sip of his beer, he was starting to feel the buzz after a few hours. "I don't know," he admitted, "Rory didn't give a flying fuck who I was, neither did Sarah…two women who could care less about hockey. Rory had her own money, Sarah had her own career…" he paused, "I dated a bit in LA after the divorce, and I wasn't the richest guy in town-" he began.

"No, your wife is already banging him." one of the men laughed.

"You are a fucking dog with a bone," Perry shook his head, "I fucked up, Rory has moved on…her fiancé is nice, good to the boys."

"You've met him?"

"We just spent fucking Christmas together, idiot." Perry knew they wouldn't understand. The same group of men didn't understand why Perry had left Rory, he was constantly reminded of the fact that by all accounts, the woman was perfect. "We had a good time," he admitted simply. "Christmas Eve was almost like old times. Kids, chaos, presents, candy…we sat on her moms porch and just talked."

"Talked?"

He nodded his head and waved at the waitress for another beer. "She…perfect Rory Gilmore told me that he was always it. If Logan had come back a year before…" he paused, "a year later…if I hadn't left…she would have chosen him."

"They knew each other?" one of the guys piped in.

Perry nodded, he supposed he hadn't really discussed Rory and Logan much when they spoke in group chat. Mostly the guys would send snippets that they happened to see on the news about Logan's success, and the occasional gossip magazine article that had managed to circulate in their hometown. "They dated in college, broke up just before we met."

"Jesus. You alright?" James sighed, he knew all of this but he could also see that Perry was struggling. Perry wasn't used to having to work for his relationships, and maybe that was part of where things went wrong. James could remember Tracey throwing herself at Perry as a teen, and he remembered the ups and downs of Perry with Sarah, how she just kept coming back until they finally ended things. When he met Rory, it wasn't that she threw herself at him, but Perry didn't have to pursue her in some grand way, Rory was happy going to a movie and just being normal, which was a breath of fresh air for a guy in his early twenties with a multi-million dollar contract. Rory and Perry had been easy, and when things had gotten hard, rather than working for it, Perry found something easier, and the rest was history.

Perry exhaled. The truth? Could he even admit it? Could he admit that he never thought Rory would be the one to move on first. That it hurt to think of his kids growing to love another man as a bonus Dad? Or maybe that the thought of Rory getting pregnant again with a baby that didn't belong to him was enough to make him want to throw up? He couldn't admit those things. They were things he couldn't say out loud. Not to them, not to his friends who would mock him endlessly tonight but be sympathetic the next morning, and he certainly couldn't open the floodgate and find out it got back to Rory. He had done enough damage, he had hurt her enough, she didn't deserve to also have the burden of his feelings on her when she was happy, she had moved on.

"Let's go, come on," James stood up, "enough for one night buddy."

"Nah, one more."

"It's late, go home, go to bed…we'll do one more dinner before you take the boys back? Get the kids and the wives together?" James told him.

"At least you have yours."

"Yup, poor Perry," James shook his head. They had known each other for long enough that James didn't exactly have qualms about calling Perry out when he was out of line. "Dude, I love you, you are my brother, you are my family…but you left her. Did you think she was going to sit around forever? Waiting for you to get your head out of your ass? I'm sorry that she told you that she loves Logan, I'm sorry that they have this…thing, connection, whatever you want to call it. But you don't get to throw a fucking pity party that the woman you left is moving on. Grow up, man up, move on."

"You know how to kick a man when he's down."

"Someone has to do it," James shot back.

xxxx

Perry woke up with a headache and a faint memory of getting into a taxi and giving the man an address that was not his parents house. He exhaled as his eyes settled on the floral duvet covering him and the blonde hair across the pillow beside him. "Trace," he exhaled, "we shouldn't have done this."

Tracey sat up on her elbows and pushed her blonde hair from her eyes, "relax Perry, I don't have any illusions about what this is, we're not 17 anymore."

"No, we're not, which is another reason we shouldn't have done this," Perry stood up and pulled on his boxers, he glanced at his watch, "I have to go, my kids will be home soon."

"Perry, what is going on with you?" Tracey asked him calmly.

"Nothing is going on with me."

"You were pounding back beers last night, you didn't want to talk about any of what is going on in your life…then you showed up here."

"Don't act like you're somehow innocent in how that happened. You texted me your address. I was drunk and I came here, I'm sorry because you are a good person and you don't deserve to be drawn into all of my bullshit…but last night…it was nostalgia. Nothing more."

Tracey sat up a bit further and pulled the sheets tighter around her body. "Perry, you called me Rory last night."

"Force of habit, I was with her a long time."

"You're still in love with her, aren't you?" Tracey asked him, he was pulling his shirt on now. "Perry, I have known you a long time, don't bullshit me now. I know we aren't kids, but I still know you."

"I'm still in love with her," he admitted, "I thought I wasn't, I thought I was done, but…yeah…I made a mistake letting her go, and now I have to figure out how to live with that because I love her enough to know that her new fiancé is a much more deserving man than I am."

xxx

"Luca, you have got to start listening," Perry told his second oldest child as they walked through a house in Niagara on the Lake. It was one of the few things Perry had remembered from his drunken night out with his buddies. James had suggested he consider living north of the border for a better location, but the not too much further from his kids.

"But Dad, look at this staircase!" Luca grinned as he jumped from four stairs up onto the landing, much to Perry's dismay. "I could slide all the way down!" Luca looked up to the top of the spiral staircase.

"Buddy, we don't own this house, and I don't want you, or your brothers to hurt themselves," he gestured to James and Christopher, "so please, listen!"

Luca rolled his eyes and wandered through the rest of the main floor, "it isn't close to anything."

"It is in the country, that is the appeal for some people," Perry told him, he had to admit, he was questioning why he had chosen to bring all four boys with him to look at houses, but he figured if they were going to be spending time there too, they had a right to an opinion on the place. "Enough room for you guys to all have your own rooms, and if Mom and Logan come there is space downstairs…"

"Will our new house in Stars Hollow be bigger? This seems smaller than our house now." Eli commented.

"I don't know what your Mom and Logan have planned for Stars Hollow, but I think this is a lot of room considering you guys won't be here that much."

"Are we keeping a house in California? So we can see our friends?" Luca groaned.

"You'll have to talk to Mom," Perry told him, he was thankful that the two younger boys were happily distracted around with their Uncle Jamie and not pestering him with questions. "My house is being sold, but maybe Mom or Logan will keep their place. Is there anything you do like about this house, guys?"

"Guys, come on," James interrupted, sensing Perry becoming frustrated, "think of all the cool guy stuff we can do here. Did you see that dock? We can jump off of it? You are really close for if you want to watch Dad play hockey, or your cousins coming over…I can come visit…it was way harder for us to get out to California, this will be great!"

"I like that Eli and I would share a bathroom," Luca shrugged.

"What about you? Baby Jame?" James looked at his namesake.

"I am not a baby!" James growled at his Uncle.

"Ok, well, not-baby Jame, what do you like?"

"There's a big backyard," he nodded to the back of the house, "so we can play."

"Alright, so that is something, eh Per?"

Perry smiled at his friend, James was much better at the whole Dad thing than Perry was. Perry typically didn't have to be on for very long. He got to be cool and fun, and even at their worst, Rory was normally ten minutes away. "Alright, well…if we all like it, I think I'll talk to my manager, make sure this whole cross-border commute doesn't violate some weird contractual obligations, and then I can put an offer in. What do you guys want for dinner?"

"I want Mom," Christopher pouted.

"Chris, we have two more days and then you guys go back to Mom. Why don't we just have some fun?"

"I want Mom!"

"Christopher!" Perry sighed with frustration, "Come on," he picked the little boy up, "lets go to the car, and we will grab something on the way home. Jame, hold Uncle James' hand, Eli, Luca, we're leaving." Perry rounded everyone up and loaded them into the car, he sent a quick text to the realtor that they were leaving and he would hear from them soon. "Is everyone in?" Perry asked after strapping Christopher in his seat, James strapped James in and the adults were in the car, "Eli, Luc, belts on?"

"Yes Dad."

"Yes."