Barely even five minutes later, Luther found himself being ushered towards the men's bathroom at the back of the bar by a paranoid Five Sr who was growing more and more squirrelly with each passing minute. Apologising to the siting patron he'd skirted around to get through the door, Luther made his way over to urinals on the back wall, clocking Five Jr at the sinks as he passed. "Yeah, that's a waste of time" Luther chuckled when he noticed Five Jr polishing the glass eyeball. "Trust me"
"Then why were you holding it when I found you dead in the Apocalypse?" He retorted, pocketing the eye.
"No idea. But the guy it belonged to didn't end the world. Vanya did"
"Timid little Vanya?"
"Yep. Is more powerful than all of us put together" Luther continued as if he were talking about the weather. "Turns out, she was pissed about the way we treated her when we were kids, so she destroyed the moon and ended the world"
"Huh. Fair enough"
"Yeah, and that doesn't even take into account our alien nephew—" Luther sighed as he zipped his pants back up and made his way over to the sinks; only to be stopped by a calculating Five Jr.
"—This is perfect! We know exactly what's gonna happen!" Five Jr exclaimed, brushing over the latter half of Luther's admittance.
"Yeah, except it, uh, already did" Luther smiled.
"Don't think, just listen" Five Jr admonished. "Forget about the little jerk-off's plan. It's way too complicated. A much better plan is for us to travel to 2019—all we have to do is make nice with Vanya, stop her from destroying the world. Easy peasy"
"Uh…you'd have to get passed her son first" Luther rocked on his heels, recalling how his nephew had socked him the moment they had been reunited earlier in the week.
"Her son?" Five Jr puzzled. "The book didn't—"
"—She didn't put him in her book. 'Sides he's very protective—makes Diego's thing with Mom look like child's play"
"Hmm…"
"And that doesn't even take into account the serial killer boyfriend…"
"What?"
"Admittedly, it wasn't a good choice on her part…but as it turns out he was only using her to get back at us—at the Umbrella Academy"
"Oh?"
"Didn't end well for him; kinda deserved it though" Luther shrugged, before turning back to the topic at hand. "But what about Five? I mean, you? I mean the uh, young you—?"
"—That's not me" Five Jr interjected stiffly, "That's a prepubescent photocopy that got botched in the time jump. Besides it's too later for him anyway"
"Too late?" Luther puzzled, eyes narrowing on the hand scratching at weathered skin. Cogs began to whir in his brain as he realised what Five Sr had said to be true—the Seven Stages had already begun.
"Paradox Psychosis! Best thing we can do is put him out of his misery"
"…What?" Luther felt his jaw slacken at the notion, "You're…you're saying to—to kill him?"
"You're thinking about this all wrong—"
"—We're not killing anybody—"
"—No, look at me! I'm still Five & I'll still be alive. All we're doing is getting rid of a mutant doppelgänger. Amputating a vestigial nipple"
"Wait—!" Luther grabbed Five Jr before he could leave the bathroom with their only way home in hand. "Are you sure you don't have Paradox Psychosis?"
"I've never felt better in my life"
"Oh, he's definitely lying" Luther muttered as he watched the little vein on Five's neck twitch as he marched out of the door with a slick sheen of sweat shining on leathery skin. "Five needs to work on that"
Emerging back onto the main floor of the pub, Luther and Five Jr were met with Five Sr staring into his glass of Guinness like the bottom of his glass held all the answers in the world. Honestly, Luther was starting to worry about his brother, with the way he drank (both coffee and alcohol) it was highly likely that he believed that. "We good?" Five Sr sat back, eyeing up his counterpart like he was going to attack or retreat at any minute.
"We're good" Luther forced a smile as he stood between the two, shifting on his feet.
"You got a deal" Five Jr replied stiffly, hand gripped tight to the briefcase that the teen was eyeing up with hungry eyes. "We gotta hurry, Kennedy's en route—less than an hour until showtime"
"Why're you so anxious to get going all of a sudden?" Five Sr accused as he got to his feet.
"Relax. You're getting paranoid"
"Oh! Am I?" The not-so-subtle scratches and echoing farts on either side of the table seemed to invalidate their statements and Luther's eyes rolled towards the ceiling as he prayed for patience, suddenly feeling like he was watching two toddlers sizing each other up.
"Okay, let's roll!" Luther chirped, desperately wanting some fresh air if those two were going to be farting more frequently as the day went on. Five Jr followed closely on his heels, with Five Sr not too far behind.
"All right, just be cool 'til I finish the job on the grassy knoll" Five Jr coached Luther as the pair walked side-by-side across the little bridge on their way to the infamous grassy knoll. "We'll get the time match and I'll ice the squirt"
"I just wished there was another way, y'know?" Luther murmured, his mind wondering if this could be considered as suicide.
"There isn't. Look at him"
"What're you looking at?!" Five Sr's paranoid voice sounded from behind them.
"Look"
"See something funny?!"
"Worse case of Paradox Psychosis I've ever seen" Five Jr continued as Luther noted how much more squirrelly his brother had become with each passing moment. "Eh…what's wrong?"
"Well, I—I feel bad for him, y'know?" Luther glanced back again as Five Sr mouthed off to some old lady about minding her business. "He's just a little guy"
"Everybody's a little guy to you—"
"You wish you could pull off these shorts!" Five Sr's voice sounded again and Luther had to bite his inner cheek in order to not burst out laughing at that last comment.
"—You look like King Kong" Five Jr continued, making Luther wince at the reminder of his stage name. "And the Hitler Youth had a baby. Luther I—I don't have time for you to tuck and squeeze here. Can I count on you to keep him under control?"
"…Yeah, I'll do my best, yeah"
"All right"
Upon reaching the other end of the bridge, Luther exchanged the elderly Five for the teen Five with a put-upon upbeat chuckle, one he had long-since mastered during their days as the Umbrella Academy. It had been important to keep up appearances even as his family had disappeared one by one. "Hey brother, how're you doing?"
"He's gonna kill me, isn't he?" Five Sr guessed straight away.
"What?" Luther scoffed a laugh as the pair trundled down the steps. "What him? He's gonna kill you? Yeah right, that's—that's ridiculous"
"Y'know, you're a terrible liar, Luther" Oh like you can talk! "You're a worse liar than you are a spotter!"
"Okay! Whose fault is that? What good is having a spotter, if you won't even listen to him?"
"So you admit to conspiring against me?"
"Do—do you admit that you're suffering from Paradox Psychosis?"
"All I'm suffering from is the bracing clarity about you and your murderous intentions"
"Would you prefer the cannibalistic intentions of our nephew?"
"This has nothing to do with Theodore!"
"Look! It's not like Five's gonna 'kill you' kill you. he just wants to kill a, um, version of you"
"But I am that version of me!"
"Hey, I don't love it either, but he's actually got a pretty good plan"
"What? The one where you guys off me and then jump to 2019 to save the world?" Five Sr snarked as he violently itched at himself.
"Yeah, wait—how did you know that?" Luther puzzled, watching his brother wig out.
"Because I'm him and that's exactly what I would do if I were trying to kill me!"
"Okay, all I know is we've got one Five too many and you're the one acting like a maniac!"
"Maniac?" Five Sr suddenly turned on Luther with a rabid look in his eyes. "Luther you have seen nothing! If you want maniac, I will show you maniac!"
"…Okay, as your spotter, I think the best thing I can do for you right now is put you out of your misery!"
"Okay, Luther listen!" Five Sr suddenly spun on his heel and gripped Luther by the lapels, pulling him in close. "I know your feeble mind only responds to age and authority, so listen very closely: Yet again, you are experiencing daddy issues"
Luther withheld a long-suffering sigh with much restraint as Five Sr went off on his patronisingly accurate lecture. Rolling his eyes towards the heavens once more, Luther did his best not to hit his brother, knowing that doing so would likely kill him. "…This time with your own brother, which honestly is making me a bit crazy. But remember this: I'm 14 days older than him, I have seniority here. So it is me you should be listening to, Luther, I'M THE DADDY, HERE!"
"How's it going?" Luther forced a chuckle as he dismissed the concerned looks from passersby before turning back to Five Sr who was still scratching at himself. It seemed the talcum powder had not worked as he had hoped. "Five, please, you're being unseemly!" Luther frog-marched the teen after their counterpart. "Look at you!"
"I admit…there is a possibility that I may not be in my fully…right mind, right now" Five Sr acquiesced with much difficulty.
"Okay, good"
"But whatever I've got, he's got it too!"
"What?"
"Will you two quit grab-assing?" Five Jr snarkily interjected from in front, as the latter two Hargreeves moved to join him on the grassy knoll overlooking the street in which the President's car would be travelling later that day. It was almost a pity that it was such a beautiful day. "We're here"
Five Sr followed his counterpart's movements with narrowed eyes that tracked every tick, every scratch, every fart as if one wrong move would make him disappear in the blink of an eye. Of course, the slight blush decorating his own cheeks at the echoing flatulence from him was resolutely ignored even as Luther brought it up. "Flatulence, that's stage four" Luther pointed out, slightly worried about the frequency for which Five was passing gas and slightly disgusted at what could result from it.
"See?" Five Sr turned on Luther with a maniacally smug look in his eye, "What's your plan now, bucko?" A smug look which ultimately dissipated when he farted again.
"Er…"
"That was just lunch, all right? Shut up"
"…Dallas-Fort worth area broadcast here to bring you a special description of the arrival of President John. F. Kennedy…" Prattled the vintage hand-held radio strapped to the fence post in which Five Jr knelt before, assembling his rifle.
"This is my favourite part!" Five Jr gushed as he screwed in another piece to the firearm before moving to polish the barrel and checking the feel of the weapon. "The calm before the storm"
"Look!" Five Sr whispered, his breathing harsh and tone manic. If Luther wasn't worried before, he was now. "The briefcase!"
"No! Don't!" Luther scolded his brother, trying to remind him of their mission. You won't be able to get there in time!"
"Of course I will" Five Sr replied smugly, huffing like an angry ox. "This is our only chance!"
"Hey, uh, just remind me, what was the final stage of Paradox Psychosis?" Luther mused offhandedly.
"Homicidal rage"
"Right!" Number One smiled in recognition. A smile which incidentally dropped when the meaning of those words hit home. "That's great. Five, listen to me. I—"
"—Too late" Five Sr muttered under his breath, ignoring his 'spotter' before he began to sneak forward, hunched over and tip-toeing in order to grab the briefcase before his younger self would notice.
"No—no!" Luther spluttered softly. Five Sr had barely blinked over to the grassy knoll before Five Jr had exchanged places with him and trained the rifle on himself. "Oh shit"
"Bad idea, shit heel!" Five Jr snarled, staring down the barrel of the gun at his teen self, body tensed.
Quickly moving forward, Luther wasted no time in easily snatching the rifle from Five Jr's hands and turning on the two like a scolding parent. "Stop it! All right? The both of you! Pull it together! Now Kennedy is gonna be coming around that corner any minute. Okay? So everyone, let's just take a deep breath—" He inhaled and exhaled in demonstration; an action which was shakily repeated by both Five's who had begun to pace and scratch furiously at themselves once more. "—Now we're all family here, okay? So can we all just try get along for a few more minutes?"
"…You want it?" Five Sr nodded towards Five Jr, the two of them sharing a patronising look as they seemed to settle on the same thought.
"Go ahead" Five Jr smirked.
"What's that?" Luther hummed, cocking his head like a puppy in question. He didn't have to wait long until Five Sr reared back his leg and nailed him in the crotch.
"Oooh! Shit!" Luther groaned painfully as he collapsed to his knees with his hands holding his suddenly bruised balls.
Tears sprang to his eyes as the pain erupted through him, blurring his vision and blocking his mind excluding only one thought: pain. Through his painful tears, Luther could only watch as the rapid and illuminating blue blinks of his brother(s) zipped around him. Occasionally he would catch a glimpse of teen Five catch elderly Five in a headlock or elderly Five right-hook teen Five, there was even times when he would come in between the two like a giant punching bag; but all the movements were so fast that he couldn't be sure (although his bruises would say otherwise). Luther wouldn't put it passed the time traveller to jump through little pockets of time in order to one-up himself, which of course meant the other version of himself thought the same thing and subsequently cancelled that action out.
"Getting…tired yet?" Five Jr panted.
"I can…do this…all day" Five Sr replied in much the same manner.
"Guys, this has to stop" Luther reiterated as the pain had thankfully begun to recede enough for him to return to his feet.
"Eat shit, ape man!" Both Fives chorused before trying to teleport off again. Emphasis on the word: try. When both Fives tried to jump at each other, shrouded in the blue of time and space, they were ultimately repelled and tossed aside like rag dolls from their own attacks.
"Hey! Assholes!" Luther finally snapped, snatching the armed rifle from the ground and turning it on his panting brother(s). "I'm done listening to you both! I'm in charge now!"
"Now Luther! Shoot him!" Five Jr called from the ground.
"No! Luther, shoot him!" Five Sr shot back as he rose to his feet and the rifle swung back and forth between the two.
"Shoot him!"
"No! Luther, shoot him!"
"Luther shoot him!"
"Luther…shoot him"
"Now Luther!"
"Luther…"
The utter betrayal gleaming in his brother's wide eyes pierced deep into Luther's soul, even as he trained the rifle on him. Out of the corner of his eyes Luther could see the elderly man preen smugly; chest puffed out and smirk planted firmly in place. Swallowing thickly around the lump in his throat, Luther tried to stall his shaky hands in order to not give away his plan. If he had a plan. Did he have a plan? "Luther, please…"
"I'm sorry, buddy" Luther apologised. With his heart in his throat the blonde quickly spun on his heel and pistol-whipped Five Jr, knocking the wind out of him as he hit the pavement. No sooner had the old man hit the ground with a thud, did he turn on to the gobsmacked teen. "Now! Open the portal!"
"…Right!" Five Sr spun on his heel with gleaming eyes as Luther sprinted over to grab the black briefcase from where it had been nestled in the corner of the fence. It was odd looking at his past self through the whirling vortex of blue—at all of them really. He could see Vanya's curious gaze and Diego's stupid leather getup. Allison's curls bounced in the wind and if he turned just the right way he could see the glistening blue of Theodore's loralite glistening atop the satellite. Honestly, the amount of power that his brother was emitting was humbling to say the least; the most Luther could do was throw off a chandelier like its nothing, but here was his brother ripping through time and space. Granted he did look and sound like he was constipated, but still, it was nothing short of amazing. Not that Luther would ever tell him that, there was no need to boost his already large ego.
"…They have stayed in the limousine" The radio prattled, catching Luther's attention even as he fought to stay upright with the portal rippling right in front of them. "…But the President and the First Lady, the Vice President and Mrs Lyndon Johnson are all walking along the edge of this fence, shaking hands with the crowd. And they are being greeted by placards of varying emotional and uh, political feeling…"
"Don't even think about it!" Luther snarled when movement out of the corner of his eye pulled him towards Five Jr slowly and sneakily getting to his feet. With the rifle trained on him once more, Five Jr was far more willing to listen to reason. Funny that.
"Into the vortex you go, asshole!" Five Sr snarled.
"Fine!" Five Jr snapped, wobbling to his feet. "But gimme the math! So I don't end up looking like Tiger beat over here"
"You stand next to the vortex and I'll tell ya! Go! Closer!"
"This is close enough!" Five Jr bargained when he was within reach of the portal, the whispers brushing at his suit like long forgotten smoke. "Now give it to me!"
"Eh" Luther nodded towards the teen when he glanced over for reassurance.
"…It was a typo!" Five Sr eventually spat out, his voice both equally smug and bitter at the same time.
"Typo?" Five Jr repeated in disbelief.
"We put the decimal in the wrong spot in our proof of the existence of a bound for the humber of limit cycles of planar polynomial vector fields of fixed degree" With the rifle still trained on the elderly man, Luther felt himself become lost in his brother's words. The probability map was much easier to understand than whatever nonsense he spouting now. "We wrote down 5.7, when it should be—"
"—0.57" Both Five's chorused.
"Son of a bitch!" Five Jr cursed as Five Sr threw his hands up in the air. "I knew that didn't look right! All right…I guess this is it"
"This is it" Five Sr readjusted his lapels as he stared himself down. "Go"
Everything was going so well. Five Jr was about to go through the portal to continue the time loop, they had the briefcase they needed to get back home and as an added bonus, the President had yet to be shot. That was until the fire extinguisher came flying through the portal. As Luther collapsed to the floor, leaving the briefcase unguarded and sending the rifle flying, he couldn't help but wonder how he had forgotten Klaus' little attempt at semi-heroism the last time around. Who knew that he'd be taken out by his brother's own stupidity? Glancing up through black dots dancing in front of his eyes and shaking off the aching bump now on his head, Luther noticed something else that just had to go wrong. Were they cursed? It would explain a few things. "FIVE!" Luther called, pointing towards the portal as the two Fives scrabbled over the briefcase between them. "The portal! It's shrinking!"
Stumbling to his feet, Luther quickly moved towards the two and launched a strong kick towards the elderly man, sending him and the briefcase flying towards the ever-decreasing portal of blue. He hoped that Five Jr would make it in time. It was only once the briefcase bounced back at them and the elderly man disappeared with a crack that the ape man let go of the breath he didn't know he was holding. Blinking away the dizziness, Luther let a relieved smile spread across his lips as he exclaimed over the prattling radio, "We did it!"
"The briefcase, you idiot" Five snarked before stomping back over to the fence like a disgruntled cat drenched in water.
"What?" The smile instantly fell as Luther's gaze met only half of the time travelling briefcase where it lay sparking and cracking with electricity. Broken & useless. Great.