Chapter Title "The Fear" by Ben Howard

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

That night Rianne dreamed of that car-crash again.
How they shouldn't have been driving in that shitty weather, how she had better been on time, how it should have been her who was dead, if Andrea had been able to drive that day like he normally did. How they never had the chance to forgive each other for the fight they had in the car, solve the general difference of opinion they were having about their future. How she would never know if her and Andrea would have made it work until the end, how she had never gotten to meet her son alive and well.
Everything she had talked about in endless therapy sessions, thought she'd found resolve and absolution from came bubbling up in her dreams.
If she had been in denial about her more than serious feelings for Jay until now, this was the time she had finally admit to them.
She wouldn't be in this backwards spiral, if being with him hadn't begun to mean something. It meant more than she ever would have expected and than she had wanted to, but it had happened. He had implanted himself firmly inside her heart and refused to budge.
After Andrea's death she had thought she would never be able to give her heart away again, more precisely put: There hadn't been anything left to give. It had been impossible to look behind this grief and think she could ever feel something for someone else again that was equally deep and consuming.
But knowing why she was avoiding the confrontation with Jay didn't mean she could change something about it just like that and stop being afraid.
Self-analysis without knowing how to move forward really wasn't that helpful.

So even if she didn't know it then, Rianne was lucky that Dr. Daniel Charles paid her a visit, after she had been going on everyone's nerves to get discharged as soon as possible.

Dr. Charles had been off-duty until this morning, but was quickly brought up to speed by his colleagues. He was well acquainted to her case anyway as he had been there for her several times in the last years. He had not really been her administered therapist, but more than once the one of Rianne's choosing. She had been equally thankful for and pissed off at his confrontational and honest demeanor. He did not sweet-talk anything and had always spoken his mind, not what he thought she wanted to hear.

"So, it was brought to my attention you want to get discharged. Are you feeling better then? How's the sensation in your legs?" He had walked into her room casually, his outfit as usual:

Glasses hanging around his neck on those ridiculous strings, light grey coat covering up everything he was wearing underneath but the old-fashioned big tie. Rianne sighed, she felt a therapy session coming she hadn't been asking for:

"Still not fully returned. The right one's okay, the left is at least tingling. So, I am positive that it will return with time, for all I know this is just in my stupid head. And I am also positive that I can recover more quickly from home. I did spent more than enough time in a hospital as a patient as you well know."

Dr. Charles didn't answer her right away, just acted like he was going over her chart and medical history before he posed another question:

"I hear your episode happened when Detective Halstead was brought in with a gunshot wound. Mind elaborating what he is to you? I am just curious..."

"You don't have to pretend: I know you know that Jay and I have been seeing each other so...just ask what you really want to ask!"

Daniel Charles had never been that good at playing dumb and innocent in her eyes. He always very well knew what was going on anyway.

"Okay, if we're being direct why don't we get right to it? I am wondering why you are sitting here and not next to his bed, holding his hand, keeping tabs on his recovery-process, like one would expect of a ... let's say: girlfriend?"

"I have decided that it's not a good idea."

"What exactly is not a good idea?"

Now he was really getting on her nerves, so she raised her voice a bit like she was talking to a deaf relative: "B-e-i-n-g with Jay!"

"Would you mind helping me understand that?" Dr. Charles was sitting down next to her now on the side of her bed, as if he had all the time in the world, not reacting to her increasing restlessness.

"Because I was fine before I got close to him. I had my PTSD under control, I could sleep at night, I even went off any medication completely before I met him. I was handling it all pretty well I think. And now I am a mess all over again! I'm a freak who's got it into her head that she can't move her legs although there is nothing physically wrong with them. Maybe I am going to fake experience giving birth to my dead child again next. I fear I can't continue my education as a trauma counselor, because how can I help people overcome something like that one day if I can't even help myself? And he doesn't need this!" she motioned to herself, still lying in that hospital bed.

Dr. Charles looked at her, not batting an eye. Rianne wondered how he did that, not give anything away that might be going through his head when patients came to him with all their crazy ideas and behavioral ingenuity. She felt really crazy at the moment. After all she still was in the psych ward, begging to be let out. Maybe they better not let her.

"Okay, I hear your concern, but first I would like to know: Has there also been an upside to getting close to Jay?"

Rianne rolled her eyes to the ceiling: "You know I know what you're trying to do here, don't you? I am not demented."

"The fact that you know what I am trying to do, doesn't imply that it's destined to not work, does it?" Dr. Charles now cracked a little smile and Rianne couldn't help but do the same.

He was good, she had to give him that.

"Right, I'll try to be a more complying client here: Of course there has been an upside to getting closer to Jay."

"Try to describe that upside, color it in for me! What has changed for the better since Jay came into your life?"

"I think I've lost 12 pounds in a month," was the first thing that came to her mind actually.

"Okay, why's that?" Dr. Charles was putting his glasses up his nose.

"He makes me feel so… excited? It's been a long time since I was that excited about anything, it's like I am charged with a new energy. And he challenges me in so many ways. He likes to call me on my shit, he is honest and opinionated. He can be a bit of an ass, but also very attentive and sensitive and funny, playful...he is smart and dedicated to the things he does. I am super attracted to him and I feel attractive in his eyes. Jay unveiled desires and sides of myself that I forgot about or that I hadn't even discovered yet, I don't wanna bore you with the details here …" Rianne was a bit shocked to admit that all out loud and abruptly stopped talking.

She could have gone on forever, but all these things didn't really matter in the face of the one no-go there was about Jay:

"But now he got shot and I don't know if I can live with that danger – I can't lose another person in my life. I can't let that happen again, so I think it's best if..."

"I remember you saying that to me when we had one of our first sessions: 'How could I let that happen?' I am still wondering what makes you think you are able to influence life to such lengths that you can prevent bad things from happening? Like accidents or people getting shot?" Dr. Charles paused for a while to let her take that in before he continued:

"Jay chose this life. He was in the military and then he became a cop. Not only did he chose police work, he chose to be in a unit where danger and difficult cases are his daily bread and butter and somehow he thrives on it. I think he can't be any different, he doesn't know how to be any other way. If you want to be with him and he lets you in then you have to find a way to be okay with it. And he has to live with the fact that you're a hardworking, opinionated woman who too wouldn't let him define any other career for her than the one she chose herself. Because it's her passion! Just like his passion is fighting crime. If you both can't live with that then you're certainly right: You better walk away now before it gets any more serious than it already has."

"But I don't wanna walk away!" Rianne was taken aback when she heard herself say those words.

They'd just gotten out of her mouth without her knowing they would.
Hearing Dr. Charles say what she had been saying to herself for some time now must have woken up her unconsciousness that knew very well: She couldn't turn away from this, because she was already in too deep.
He let her sit on that for a minute, before he stood from the bed and wrote something on her chart. As if accidentally he patted both her legs in passing, pretty hard actually. Rianne definitely felt that. Not continuing to explore her feelings for Jay with her Dr. Charles just said, already heading for the door:

"So, I recommend you take the next week off. I will gladly write up some sick certificate. Wether you use the time to take care of just you or Jay and you in the process is of course your decision. By the way: Do you have the idea that people helping other people have to be undamaged and flawless and pure?"

"Maybe," she hadn't really made a final decision about that.

"Do you think I can't help other people?"

"No. You just did help me quite a lot I think..."

"So what if I tell you that I have been battling depressions for many years and still manage to work in my profession? I think it's all about what you decide what defines you!"

Jay had been transferred to a usual room, after he'd spent another night without any complications in the ICU. Doctors had pulled his wound drainage in the morning and had been doing some motion tests on his shoulder. It felt sore and stiff, but Jay was glad to hear that he should make a full recovery with the help of some physical therapy. He was still itching to get out of here soon, not used to lying around doing nothing. In general hospitals creeped him out, especially since he had been spending hours on end in them when his mother had gotten sick.
His head felt a lot clearer than yesterday, although he knew he was under the influence of a lot of painkillers and shouldn't make any hasty movements.
Still he felt shitty and restless. Not knowing how Rianne was doing other than that she was taken care of, drove him nuts besides everything else going on in his head. At least he knew by now the Angela debacle was taken care of as Voight had sort of pressured her in keeping her mouth shut about what Jay had told her, in exchange for her freedom. Of course this was not a solution Jay could easily sleep on, but at the moment there was no other.

He had begged Hailey to get his phone for him from his truck, which had been recovered and brought to the station in the meantime.
When Jay finally got his hands on his technical device around noon and had some time to himself, he checked the missed messages.
There were several 'Get well soon' wishes from colleagues and friends who had heard what had happened. Between other missed calls there were five from Rianne. She had left three voicemails, they were all from before he got shot.

With a heavy beating heart he listened to all of them consecutively at least being able to hear her voice that way:

"Hey Jay, turns out Stella can't pick me up from the airport after all. I was wondering if you're already done in court you could maybe come pick me up? If not, I'll manage on my own of course. Anyway, I'm looking forward to our date! Just text or call me when you know what time you'll get off... See you tonight, favorito!"

He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump that had build in his throat. By then he'd already been captured, beaten and chained to a metal pole, not knowing if he would make it out of there alive. It felt like ages ago, a fate that was someone else's.
He pressed play to the second one:

"Really Jay? That's so not cool! I just got off the phone with Hailey, she says you're missing? I can't believe this! If you wanted to get out of that date you really could have been upfront about it. I'm just kidding, but: Call me back, this is ridiculous! I really hope you're not where I think you are...!"

Hearing her voice, a mixture of upset and still trying to hold on to the hope that everything would be fine, he felt even worse than he had before. What had he put everyone through?
Her next message wasn't so worried and friendly anymore. He was greeted with an original 'Rianne Torres Delgado fury overload':

"I'm so freaking angry with you! I mean: We fucking talked about this! I thought we had an understanding and then you go off and do this moronic thing anyway? What the fuck Jay!?"

He guessed that someone had kept her in the loop during the day. Probably Hailey or Adam or Kim. That last message was around the time the unit had tried to bust him and Angela out the first time and failed because Silva had played them. Jay'd been filled in on everything that had went down on his unit's side.
There were no more messages from Rianne after that.

The gravity of how bad he'd fucked this whole thing up hit Jay full force.
Was she coming back to see him at all again? Did she just quietly leave him? How could he be sitting here when she probably was lying in some bed, all messed up because of what he did and he didn't even try to explain himself to her and apologize for his error in judgement?

Jay was determined to get to her right now, no matter what his brother had said. Will didn't know her like he did. He couldn't let her get away!
Even if he wasn't sure exactly how to do this because he was still feeling weak as hell, which he didn't like too much, he tried to. He managed to get himself sitting upright in the middle of the bed on his own. It took forever and Jay cringed and grunted several times at the pain that was piercing his side and shoulder. His head was holding up pretty good though, maybe because he wasn't able to make any sudden movements anyway. He really did mess himself up good this time.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The sound of Will yelling at him furiously had Jay almost stumble to the ground, because he hadn't been aware that someone had entered the room while he was getting out of the bed.

As quickly as he could, he got himself up anyway and tried to stand his ground:

"I am going to see Rianne!"

"Take a hint! You're not invincible Jay! Sit your damn ass down and get back into bed!"

Will was beyond livid and at his side in a second, pushing him down onto the bed. Jay was of course in no condition to fight him off like he normally would have done.
Just now close up he saw that his brother looked like crap. The lines on Will's forehead were deeper than usual and there were shadows around his eyes. He surly hadn't been shaving in days and his clothes looked wrinkled, as if he'd been wearing them for quite some time.

"Have you been sleeping at all Will?" Jay tentatively asked.

Wrong question! Will was right up in his face:

"No! I haven't! You know why? Because of you stupid fool going off book, getting yourself shot and almost leaving me the only Halstead of this family!"

"I'm sorry Will, I didn't..." Jay was immediately flooded with guilt, swallowing hard, staring into his brother's tired and troubled eyes.

Everybody had been fussing and worrying about him. Jay hadn't really thought about what it would mean for his brother to loose him. He didn't know what to say to make this right.

"I fucking love you, you know!? Who else should be my best man?" Will sat down next to him on the bed so that they were eye-level.

Jay didn't know though if Will wanted to punch him despite what he just said. He still looked pretty angry and yet his dark eyes were unbelievably soft on him. Fuck!

"I love you too man!" Jay heard his voice breaking and swallowed hard, when Will pulled him into a very tight hug that hurt Jay a bit, but yet was worth the pain, because it was loaded with everything they couldn't really express any other way.

It was brisk and short, them both too choked up to say anything.
When they heard someone clear their throat behind them, they let go of one another:

"Am I interrupting something?" a female voice asked.

Jay was already in an emotional overflow that didn't seem to stop. It got worse as he looked behind Will and saw a dearly missed figure standing in the doorframe, clad in unusual casual leggings and a long sweater, wearing his favorite person's face. Jay was glad he was still hooked up to some oxygen and that Hailey had brought him real clothes he had gotten changed into, so that he didn't have to be just so literally stripped in only a hospital gown when facing his visitors. His brother found his voice first, wiping away some wayward tears from his eyes:

"No, we're all done here!"

"Can you give us some privacy then?" she begged him, her voice sounding strangely timid and faint.

"Alright, I'll be outside. If he tries to escape again just holler, I'll tackle him!" Will said to Rianne before he put a hand on her shoulder in passing that she squeezed shortly, before closing the door behind Will.

Then she looked at Jay directly for the first time.
One could have said she looked like hell as well. Blood-shot eyes, pale skin, messy hair and generally not quite so fashionably put together like she usually was, but to him she was still the most beautiful thing. Those blue eyes hit him full force, even if they were slightly watery right now.
He saw that she was struggling with herself, not sure what to do with her hands, so he was not surprised when she chose attack and abruptness as a temporary solution to her insecurity:

"You look like shit!"

"I feel worse, thank you!" he croaked out, suddenly nervous as hell, keeping his head down a bit when looking at her, as if trying to keep his guard up that way.

"You're lucky you just slipped off your deathbed, otherwise I would be literally kicking you right now!"

"Yeah, I kinda got that message..." he gestured to his phone on the nightstand.

"Message? Oh, yeah, right..." Rianne looked down at her feet, she seemed to have forgotten about her phone calls.

"How are your legs?" Jay asked, noticing that she was at least standing upright on her own and had managed to walk in here by herself.

"They're all better. Left one still hurts, but you know that's almost normal..."

The silence in the room was thick und uncomfortable. Like any moment now a firestorm could break loose.
Jay didn't know what to say to her, where to begin. He felt a little sick because she was still acting all weird and so far away from him.

"So... I am just gonna tell you what I have to say and then you can do whatever you want with it…" she finally began, delivering him from a bit of the unspoken tension.

"Do you have to say it from across the room?" he probed.

"Yes, because if I come near you right now I'm just going to cry again and I really need to say this first!"

Jay didn't feel right about this. Was she breaking things off right here, right now?
He wanted to have her by his side straightaway, but he was frozen to the spot just like her. He felt so vulnerable right now, like she could rip his heart out at any second with whatever she had to say and he could do nothing about it. He would just be watching himself bleed out.
With a shaky voice and glassy eyes directed at him she continued:

"Jay, when I saw you being brought into the hospital I totally freaked out. I didn't know what to do with myself I was so scared for you! I thought that I can't do this a second time, that I can't loose you too, so I tried to shut it down, pretend we both would be better off this way... But being totally honest with myself: I can't seem to stay away and I don't wanna have to blame myself for hiding from something that is already really amazing and could even be getting greater every day, just for fear of losing it again! So, here I am and I hope you can forgive me for behaving like a miserable, lunatic wretch! It would break my heart, but I guess I can just as well understand if you don't wanna be with someone who's all broken and has been somewhat unreliable in this crisis..."

"Would you fucking come over here right now? You're killing me..." Jay managed to get out before his emotions were suffocating him.

He was already perched on the side of the bed again, because he had tried to get out a second time.
When his words and everything else he tried to say with his pleading eyes registered with Rianne, it was like she was let off a leash. She crossed the room in two limping seconds and wrapped herself around him as best as she could in his state. He pressed her to him tightly, to hell with the consequences to his injuries.
The thought of never getting to hold her again had been more than scary. Jay was trembling in her embrace, clinging to her frame. He instantly felt ten times better than before and like he was coming up for air. Feeling her body close to his just made total sense.

"I'm so sorry I panicked Jay..." she whispered under tears and kissed his face impetuously multiple times, wiping away the tears that had escaped his eyes too.

Her touch brought solace to his bruised soul.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like that and for..." he tried to get in, but she instantly put her finger over his lips and interrupted him:

"Let's just both not do it again, alright?" she pressed her lips to where her finger just had been, a little too coy for his taste.

But it seemed she was afraid of physically hurting him in his state.

"Christ girl, you have a way of creating suspense… I almost thought you were trying to end this once and for all," Jay let his head sink against hers for a moment, taking a long breath, reveling in her familiar smell, trying to capture this moment of relief deep inside his heart.

"Would you have believed me?"

Instead of answering he just took her hand into his, looked at their entwined limbs and began stroking her palm with his thumb, trying to calm down the storm inside of him. There were so many things he wanted to say to her and yet couldn't begin to sort through. Rianne took his head in her hands and made him look into those eyes that had been following him through this nightmare day and night, even if it had just been in his head:

"I have a major crush on you, Jay! And trying to not have this crush makes it an even bigger crush! You're all I think about and all I really want!" she held on to his neck even stronger and caressed his ears with her soft fingers.

Major crush didn't even begin to describe what he felt for her, Jay thought to himself before he couldn't help but press his lips to hers desperately, squeezing his eyes shut because they were again burning.

Great point to end this story, isn't it?

...No, just kidding... if you're down I have a little more to tell about Jay & Rianne. I can't part with them yet and think they still have to sort out some issues and overcome further obstacles (even if they don't know that yet).

So the next update is just around the corner! I am so happy we're still climbing up that follower and favorites ladder! Have a nice weekend everyone!