NOTES: First off, I apologize for the month-long wait there, the time really slipped away from me between my classes and my other fic. I've been so focused on that one that it took a bit to get back into the headspace for this but I got there. Let's see how Olivia is coping with everything. As always, constructive criticism is welcome! Enjoy...

Olivia was having a hard time learning to appreciate the small victories.

"Okay but 'victory' isn't the right word," she'd argued to Dr. Lindstrom, leaning forward in her chair while her leg bounced, "We all know who won here and it wasn't me."

He'd simply shot her a look, refusing to dignify that last part with a response before answering, "What would you call it then, if not a victory?"

She'd been stumped. "I—I don't know."

And now, a week later, she still didn't know despite the fact these small triumphs were becoming more common than not. She noticed it most during the day, and more shockingly when she was alone. Somehow it was then that she'd have those small moments where she'd be doing something mundane before suddenly realizing she hadn't thought of him in hours. Hell, just the other day she'd managed to sleep the entire night without waking up from some nightmare or another.

"I'm pissed, Nick. I mean, have I really changed that much?" she'd asked, the following afternoon, "To be proud of sleeping through the night?"

When it came down to it, it was just hard to see something as small as that as progress because as far as she was concerned, it was pathetic to be proud of moments like these. Pathetic to call those times she didn't jump when a noise startled her or flinch when someone moved unexpectedly "victories." And yet… they were.

"But does it really matter?" she'd asked Dr. Lindstrom, having explained to him how she'd taken this so-called "victory" as a sign, finally making the move from her couch to her bed. The transition, unfortunately, had been… rough and she couldn't help but kick herself for thinking she could do this. "Sure, I had one night where my exhaustion caught up to me but I still can't sleep in my own fucking bed without being reminded of how he tied me down to that one." She ran her hand down her face, shivering slightly as she relived cold metal on her wrists. "It's always one step forwards, two steps back—," Her head shot up, pointing at her therapist before he could speak, "And don't say healing isn't linear! I know that. I just... I'm supposed to be stronger than this."

And yet she felt so weak. She'd made the mistake of complaining about it to Rafael who'd quickly countered her pessimistic point of view.

"Why are you being so hard on yourself, Liv?" Rafael had asked while she'd avoided his gaze, picking at the takeout he'd brought for them, "It's been less than a month since he took you. No one but you, apparently, expects for you to be okay right now."

No one but her was true. It went against her nature to be kind to herself, to cut herself some slack. So she didn't, pushing herself to get better, to get back to normal with a stubbornness that left no room for failure. A stubbornness that led her here now, pausing in front of the precinct doors.

Was she ready for this? Probably not.

Lewis's voice whispered maliciously in her ear, Still trying to prove you aren't scared to your cop buddies, Detective?

Sergeant! Sergeant, not Detective! Olivia shook her head, clenching her jaw as she pushed through the doors. She could do this.

The familiarity of the precinct lobby was equally soothing and disarming as Olivia focused on getting to the elevators without drawing too much attention. Her heart was in her throat as she beelined it for the elevators, choosing not to look too closely at anyone in case they were looking at her. By the time the doors opened, her skin was crawling and she was already regretting her decision to come here.

The feeling only intensified as three other people entered the elevator. The two men talking, they ignored her but the other… she watched as recognition flashed on his face. This had happened last time, too; her face had once again been splashed all over the news. The man saw her looking, flushing as he tore his eyes from her awkwardly. Heat rose to her cheeks as she swallowed heavily.

This was a bad idea.

I told you, sweetheart.

In reality, it must've been less than a minute, but it felt like hours by the time the door opened. She sucked in a deep breath trying to steady herself before exiting. The familiar hallway seemed so much longer than she remembered… Shit, should she leave? Before anyone saw—

"Liv?!" Amaro's incredulous voice cut her off and she froze.

She nervously pushed her hair from her face, "Nick. Hi."

"What are you doing here?"

Olivia immediately bristled, her nerves too shot to calm herself. "I work here, Amaro, in case you forgot."

"But—?"

"Olivia?" Her captain turned the corner, his surprise evident in his voice.

"Hey Cap," she said awkwardly, not quite meeting his eyes, "Could we speak?"

Olivia didn't miss the way Nick's eyebrows rose higher as his eyes flicked between his partner and the captain. She hadn't told him she was planning to talk to Cragen.

The captain didn't hesitate, "Of course Liv," he replied, "My office?"

"Please."

As the captain turned, Olivia stole a glance at Amaro whose concern was palpable and did nothing to help with the stabs of anxiety gnawing at her stomach. Her forehead crinkled with confusion at his worry. He couldn't possibly think she was here to quit, did he? As she went to follow the captain, she shot him a look that screamed "Later!" Hopefully, she would have good news to tell him.

She kept her eyes resolutely fixed on Cragen's back as she followed him through the bullpen, eager to avoid the pitying stares of her fellow officers. Without her permission, however, her eyes instinctively flicked over to her desk which remained untouched as far as she could tell. The gesture made her breath catch and squeezed at her heart. They'd left it for her. She needed to know she'd be able to come back to it.

Despite her efforts to avoid her colleagues' stares, Olivia still caught a glimpse of Fin and Rollins who looked equally confused and concerned to see her there.

Lewis whispered in her ear, Aw look, Olivia, they wanna know if you're okay…

Shut up.

Olivia ducked her head away from them, hating how her eyes burned as she picked up her pace. To her relief, the blinds in his office were already down as she entered, Cragen closing the door behind her before turning to face her.

"Olivia. How've you been?"

As their eyes met, it hit her that she hadn't seen her captain since her statement, since she had told him everything. The realization made the air seem heavier as she pushed aside the thought and gave him a weak smile, shrugging her shoulders.

"It's been hard," she said softly, "but I'll get there."

"I have no doubts," Cragen said quietly. He paused, cocking his head at her before his spoke, his voice decidedly probing, "Why are you back so early, Olivia?"

She closed her eyes briefly, steeling herself. "I just needed to know," she paused, searching for the words, "I can come back, right?" Her voice grew more desperate, "1PP... Will they let me come back to SVU after—" her voice cracked, "After everything?"

Lewis laughed softly in her ear, Come on baby, you can say it. After I raped you. Her stomach rolled as goosebumps spread along her skin. She stared the captain down as he cleared his throat.

Cragen had been expecting this. He nodded slowly, "You can."

Olivia let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, a genuine smile crossing her face.

He wasn't finished. "But—" Her stomach dropped, "—After you're initially cleared, the higher-ups want you to pass bi-monthly psyche evals for your first year back."

Olivia paused, absorbing this most recent information with a vacant expression.

Bi-monthly psyche evals. It… could be worse. It could be worse.

Even Lewis didn't have anything to say.

"Okay. Good."

The captain cautiously nodded, watching her intently. She looked distant and detached.

"Olivia?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

"You know," he said conversationally, "whenever you say that I can't help but wonder what your definition of fine is."

Olivia turned to him in surprise to see his warm, gently teasing smile. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards involuntarily.

"That's understandable," she said softly, "but really Cap. I'm fine with this. It's, uh, it's probably a good idea."

Cragen gave her a searching look, nodding in agreement. "Okay. We'll be glad to have you back Olivia. Just... Just promise me you won't rush this."

She shook her head, "I won't."

A comfortable silence fell over them as Olivia took a deep breath to steady herself. The tension in her shoulders slowly melted away, stripping her of the anxious drive that had been her fuel, leaving her empty and spent. She felt a wave of exhaustion crash over her body. God, she didn't want to leave his office just yet.

"Whatever you're thinking," Cragen said suddenly, making her jump, "About what everyone thinks of you... You're wrong."

"And what would that be?" Olivia asked defensively, "What I'm thinking."

"That we think less of you. That we think you're a bad cop or that you can't defend yourself."

Her face twisted with grief, "Twice captain. He got me tw—"

"Stop that." His words were harsh and angry as she flinched. "That-That bastard," he spat the word out with venom, "caught you off guard, disarmed you. He had to drug you, subdue you because he knew you would kill him if he didn't. He threatened to shoot civilians Olivia! You are a hero."

Her eyes were burning again with unshed tears as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

He wasn't done yet, "All of us, me, the squad, we don't think less of you. If anything, we respect you more because you survived. You survived."

His eyes were glistening now, staring at her with a haunting intensity that scared her.

"C-Captain?"

"I was so scared Olivia."

Fuck. They were both crying now.

Before she could stop to think, her arms were around him, "No, don't think about—Cap, I'm here now, I'm fine."

"I know."

After a moment, she pulled back, wiping at her eyes as he did the same. She gave him a crooked, watery grin, "Always am, right?"

He let out a little chuckle, raising his eyebrow at her. "Is that so?" he asked, shaking his head. "When you come back I'm getting you a dictionary."

Olivia rolled her eyes before her smile faded. "Thank you. For everything." He said nothing, just nodding deeply at her. As their eyes locked, Olivia felt her chest tighten. The compassion in his eyes was suddenly too much; everything threatened to overwhelm her once more. "I should—I should go."

He looked a little surprised but stepped back to give her space, sensing an alteration in her mood, "Okay. It was good seeing you Liv."

"Yeah, yeah it was."

"Take care of yourself."

"I will."