Chapter 12:
Disclaimer: There's mention of suicidal ideation and abuse in this chapter. If you are uncomfortable, I suggest you don't read.
ooOoo
"Mother!" I screeched. "Mother, please!"
She dragged me by the arm to the floo, father followed behind. Draco laid on the ground in agony while the house-elf fussed over him. My uncle was all too pleased by the chaos he had created while Aunt Cissa kneeled beside Draco, trying to fix the damage my mother had caused. I think it was fair to say we were not welcome at the Manor again anytime soon.
Uncle Lucius and I found my mother and Draco in the gardens in an all-out duel. She was trying to defend my honor, she said. It was very noble of her but completely unnecessary. It didn't take long for her anger to turn towards me. Associating with undeserving half-bloods was frowned upon and associating with slaves in a cordial manner was absolutely forbidden. Uncle Lucius was far too eager to tell her what I'd done. Now, her hand was wrapped around my wrist in a bone-crushing grip as we promptly left the manor.
"I'm sorry!" I cried as we stepped out of the fireplace into the parlor room. She threw me down on the couch, her eyes black. My father stood beside her, towering over me. I looked up at him, heart racing, yet he said nothing. He did nothing.
"My daughter will not be blood-traitor!" she hissed. "You are a member of the Sacred twenty-eight, heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Lestrange, the daughter of the Dark Lord's most loyal members of his inner circle! You will not disgrace this family or so help me, Merlin…"
"I'm sorry-"
"I defended you!" she exclaimed. "I defended you against your prat cousin!"
My eyes dripped wet with tears as she continued to berate me, going on and on about how I was such a disappointment. Sobs wracked my body as I pleaded for forgiveness, my heart racing against my chest.
"Quit your crying." my father spoke for the first time. His face was stoic, back ramrod straight and shoulders squared. "I saw you heading towards the servant girl at the party. I know you wandered down to the dungeons as well. This is not your first interaction with the girl."
My face paled, the only sound was the rush of blood in my ears. I thought I had been careful, no one was ever around.
"We have eyes and ears everywhere, Hermione." his voice was too steady. "I do not enjoy giving your uncle the upper advantage. The Malfoys have always been snobs and your uncle will do anything he can to discredit us with the Dark Lord."
I hung my head, a single tear dripped from my chin, and felt as if a heavyweight had been placed on my chest. Anger was a familiar emotion I was used to dealing with but disappointment… not so much.
"We expect more from you. Your behavior around others reflects on our entire family. Lucius is already weary of your sudden appearance. For all, we know you could be a spy for Dumbledore-"
"That's not true!"
"Quiet!" his voice boomed throughout the room. "You will not interrupt your mother or me when speaking. Do I make myself clear?"
"Ye-yes s-sir." I stared at the ground, unable to keep the tears at bay. I sat on my hands, trying to hide the shaking. They weren't going to let me go without punishment.
"Of course, I don't believe that tale and neither does the Dark Lord. However, Lucius Malfoy has always been a paranoid man." he rolled his eyes, mumbling a few choice words under his breath. "It does not do you any good to interact with those people. They will only bring you down."
I nodded my head, keeping my mouth shut. I felt his heavy glare on my body, knowing he was moments away from lashing out.
"Stand up and hold your arms out." his voice was calm.
My head shot up, eyes weary. He held his wand in his left hand and slowly, I did as he bid. He muttered the words and I heard the crack before I felt the snap.
"Ahh!" the scream left my lips before I could stop myself. My knees buckled with each hit but my arms were frozen in the position they were in so I couldn't pull away. Twenty angry red welts covered my arms. Finally, the spell was undone but I stayed stock still, knowing running would only make everything worse. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I trusted him. I let my guard down, believing he was different. Obviously, I hadn't learned from the past.
"Go to your room." was all he said.
I paused, my eyebrows furrowed together. That was it? Usually, I was at least put under the Cruciatus Curse, sometimes Sectumsempra. Perhaps he'd continue later.
"Y-yes father." I hurried away before he could change his mind.
ooOoo
The water turned a murky reddish-brown. My arms burned, the water boiling hot but all I did was close my eyes and my head disappeared below the surface. I wondered how long it would take for me to die, for the pain to fade away, to no longer cease to exist. Drowning was supposed to be one of the most painful deaths. I imagined the water filling my lungs with each breathe, struggling to breathe. Eventually, the fiery pain would start to fade and warmth would spread throughout my body. I wouldn't feel the need to fight anymore. I would be at peace.
That's how I wanted to feel. But nobody would let me feel that way. They always wanted me to be something that I was not. They always wanted more out of me.
Sometimes I wish I'd listened to him. Perhaps I'd be in a happier place.
"You don't have to stay here," he said. "I can take you away."
The only way I could escape was by death.
"No." my voice was just a whisper. I kept my eyes focused on his chest, afraid to look up. It could be a trick for all I knew. They'd done it before. There was no one I could trust.
"You don't have to stay here and suffer." he pleaded. "There are people who will help you."
I was unsavable. Surely he knew that. But he still tried and I couldn't hate him for that.
I cried, the water and tears mixed together. Why was I so stupid? Why didn't I go with him? I couldn't be who my mother and father wanted me to be. I wasn't the perfect daughter. I was barely pureblood, and they probably would've branded me as a blood-traitor if I wasn't their daughter. I'd grown up in the enemies' hands- my masters. I was too damaged to be redeemed and all I'd continue to do was disappoint them.
In some ways though, He understood. He promised me that he'd take me away but I didn't take him up on his offer.
I should be grateful that I was with my family. It was what I had always dreamed of but it no longer felt like a dream. It was just a continuation of the nightmare I was already living.
My parents were angry with me. Surely, the Order was furious with me.
But I didn't want to think about them or the burning pain in my arms or the punishment that was soon to come. All I wanted to do was fade away… just for a little bit.
ooOoo
I suppose I should've planned it a little better. Drowning in a bathtub was not the way I wanted to go. Healer Wickman was a short woman. She reminded me of a pixie with her short blonde bob cut and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. She poked and prodded, putting me on bed rest for the next two days. I had already been unconscious for three and I felt like crap.
Missy found me lifeless, floating in the bath. It was never my intention to traumatize her and I did feel guilty. It wasn't her fault, I was slightly suicidal- ok more like very suicidal. She couldn't have known but my parents felt differently. My mother forced me to watch as she took her life and her dead body fell to the ground. I was so frozen, unable to cry. She was a good elf, my friend. Missy did not deserve the fate that befell her.
The three days passed by painfully slow, the Healer never leaving my side for more than a second, afraid I'd try to off myself again.
Now I sat in the dining room and picked at the food, feeling full despite having eaten nothing all day. Father could barely look me in the eye and mother seemed intent to forget that her daughter tried to kill herself.
She talked about the plans the Dark Lord had for Hogwarts. Muggleborns were to be expelled and halfbloods would have to prove their magical abilities if they wanted to stay. The Carrow twins would be appointed the new Defense Against the Dark Art professors, which was changing to simply, a Dark Arts Class, and the new Headmaster would be Thorfinn Rowle.
I frowned, my knife scraped against the plate, and took a small bite of the meat.
"What do you think of the new changes to come, Hermione? Hogwarts and the Ministry should be in our power within a year."
"They sound great. I have no problems with them." I only said what they expected me to say. Nothing more, nothing less.
"There's something you don't like." he pressed. "You and your mother make the same face when your thinking hard."
My cheeks blushed and I shook my head, strands of hair falling in my face. I mumbled, "It's nothing."
"I'd like to hear."
My lips pressed together into a thin line, knuckles turned white, around the silverware. I doubt they want to hear their daughter advocate for muggleborns. I'm sure they'd rather drink goblin piss.
"It-" I gulped. "'It's just that I don't find it very reasonable, expelling all mug- mudbloods. I'm sure there are some very talented-"
"Talented mudbloods!" mother shrieked laughing in disbelief. "What other nonsense has Dumbledore, that old fool, filled your mind your mind with?"
My jaw clenched and my right eye twitched. I hung my head low, the sound of her laughter causing my teeth to grind together. She'd never listen to me, too stuck in her beliefs that muggleborns were inferior and that they had stolen our magic.
I knew that wasn't true.
Lily Potter was muggleborn. Her painting was stored away in the attic of Grimmauld Place. The only reason I knew of her was that I was often tasked with cleaning the place out. I found her four years, Magenta Comstock painted her portrait in secret in 1980. She knew that she'd probably die and didn't want to leave Harry alone. However, Lord James Potter had always expressed his distaste in portraits, preferring to go beyond the veil when his time came. It was Remus Lupin who moved her painting from Godric's Hollow to Grimmauld Place after their murder. It's unsure why but Lord Black didn't want her painting around. She was moved to the attic, no one else knowing of the painting's existence until I found her. She told me how she sacrificed her own life in order to save Harry. The Dark Lord gave her the chance to save herself but she chose her son.
I didn't tell her what had become of him, what a monster he had turned into. I told her what she wanted to hear- that he was kind and caring. He thought of others before himself and that he was brave. I had learned to keep my voice steady and face impassive, so she wouldn't see through the lies. She'd question me about my scars and bruises and I'd tell her I tripped. I knew she didn't believe me but didn't push for more.
Lily Potter was the opposite of weak. She was the strongest witch I knew.
"Tell me more, Hermione."
Mother fell silent.
I looked up at my father in shock.
He quirked an eyebrow, urging me to speak.
"Fro-from what you've told me, there are fewer purebloods than there are halfbloods and mug- mudbloods. There has to be somebody to do the jobs we don't want to do like janitorial, secretaries, servants, nannies for families. We have to keep them around because they do have other uses."
It was silent, the only sound was the echo of my racing heart, pounding in my ears. Perhaps I'd misspoken. I closed my eyes, waiting for the curse. Yet none came. Even my mother had nothing to say.
"Spoken like a true Slytherin." there was pride in his voice "Meet me in my study after. We'll discuss it more there."
My heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach.
"Yes, father."
ooOoo
Author's Note: Hey everyone! Thank you all for reading your support means so much to me! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update, I've been really busy. However, I'll try to update again soon! Also, I REALLY APPRECIATE REVIEWS! It's what keeps me motivated to write! I hope you all are doing well and staying safe and healthy. I'll update again soon!