Chapter 12: Intro to Intuitive Reasoning

Summary: Britta plays detective

Britta rolled her suitcase through the quad, silently cursing herself for having grabbed a bunch of Ian's textbooks so that she could prep her latest psych paper over at her psych school nearby. She supposed she could have worked on it at Greendale as no one really seemed to mind if she hung out in the library even though she was no longer a student there, but she had really needed to focus and there were too many distractions. She had been able to crank out most of Historical Analysis of the Impact of Familial Secrets: An Integrative Approach on her laptop in the back corner of the psych school library, as students there actually seemed to respect quiet hours. She supposed she was relieved at having the burden of her summer school paper off her mind and just wanted to return Ian's books and ask him to take a quick pass over her draft, just in case.

She continued to wheel the suitcase of books on the diagonal going southeast when she overheard a familiar snarky voice just on the other side of the trees.

"Annie and I can host if you want. We just moved in, but she's already whipped the house into shape. You know how she is."

"I'll talk it over with my wife and get back to you."

"Great."

"It's just that….um, Jeff we should really talk first, just you and me."

"Err, sure. About anything in particular?"

"It's just a sensitive matter."

"You have been acting differently with me, I mean compared to first year. Is there something I'm missing?"

"Oh phooey, I hate this, Jeff. Let's just grab some coffee this afternoon. What do you say? Three? We can just get it over with."

"As intrigued as I am, I must say I'm kind of dreading this."

"Don't be. It'll be fine."

There was the sound of finger guns, and Eustice Whitman's awkward laugh, lilting to unnatural degrees even beyond his norm.

"See you later, Jeff! Shirley's Sandwiches!'

"Sure thing."

Britta wrinkled her brow in thought and then proceeded to resume her roll around the trees until she came face to face with Jeff, who was in the process of seating himself on a bench, Sebastian in his carrier. Jeff placed Sebastian to his left and then looked up in surprise as he saw her approach and sat completely down while motioning her to come over. She obeyed and joined him on the other side of the carrier.

"Hey guys."

She tapped the baby on his knee which seemed to elicit a hearty chuckle and she couldn't help her smile.

"He's so stinkin' cute."

"That's because he's my son."

She rolled her eyes as he quickly added, "Well and Annie's. She's got a knack for making cute kids."

"That's true. Speaking of, where's Sophie? I wanted to give her some stickers." She elected not to mention to Jeff they were scratch 'n sniff of the very stinky variety and she was going to tell Sophie to put them on her daddy's office chair.

"She's with Annie, who just needed to pop in for a meeting for the daycare committee." He then smirked and added, "I was supposed to watch both kids, but Sophie insisted she needed to have input on the daycare center. As we know, she no longer goes there but she's being a little bit bossy lately about wanting to make sure her baby brother has the best. So we caved and let her, and now I'm hanging out with squirt for about forty five minutes. Maybe you can amuse us." He grinned as he stared at her roller bag.

"Don't say she's bossy. She's assertive."

"You know what, you're completely right."

She preened just a little before she asked, "But you'll be here for coffee at three with Whitman?"

He eyed her suspiciously for a moment and then groaned, "Are you spying on me?"

"I was right over there. You guys are loud."

He began rummaging through Sebastian's bag as he said, "Yeah, it's pretty much right after the meeting anyway. I brought my laptop and can get some work done in the cafeteria before that strangeness."

"Yeah, that sounded weird. What gives?"

Suddenly, Jeff's eyes popped open further and he turned to face her with one of his gossipy expressions, the ones he usually reserved for Shirley. She sighed and considered perhaps she was needed. She put on her best therapist aura and waited, for she could sense his eagerness. Within seconds he had filled her in on the odd meeting with Professor Whitman several days prior, and she had to admit she was mildly intrigued.

Sitting up a little bit more assuredly, she asked, "So, he has something to discuss with you, and he wants to do this before you meet his wife."

"Yes. Ideas?"

"I don't know. Sounds like he's a bit embarrassed or self conscious about something. Maybe she's like super young? Since he has a little kid?"

"Oh, I don't care about that."

"Yeah, clearly." She rolled her eyes.

They sat with tremendous awkwardness for about two full minutes before Ian came to rescue her, his eyebrows wiggling as he approached. Jeff cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Where's my dog?"

"Oh, she's in Buzz's fifth period."

"Still enrolled?"

"Come on, Jeffrey, we both know neither of us cares."

They smirked at each other before Ian leaned down and gave Britta a peck on the cheek and then grabbed the top of her roller bag and began motioning for her to follow. She still felt a little bit foot in mouth about what she had just said to Jeff, but as she turned to say goodbye, she could tell he was kind of over it as he gave her a friendly nod and then placed a teething ring in Sebastian's drooly mouth.

Still, because she maybe felt a little bad, she said, "Hey, sorry about what I said."

He sighed, "It's fine. I am fully aware I have a young wife. And see, if that's the case with Eustice then I'm peachy. He's being unnecessarily worried."

At this, Ian's ears perked up and he asked with a tremble, "Eustice?"

Britta let out a quick laugh and explained, "Yeah, turns out Professor Whitman lives around the corner from Jeff and Annie and now he wants to have a special little meeting with Jeff before Jeff's allowed to meet his wife. It's all crazy mysterious, but I think it's probably because she's really young or something. They have a little kid, so she's got to be. Whitman's like fifty."

Suddenly Ian noticeably flushed, and she and Jeff exchanged curious looks.

Jeff sat forward and asked, "Ian? Do you happen to know something about this?"

Looking away, Ian remarked, "Me? Noooooo, I don't consider myself with others' affairs."

"Since when? You're full of crap."

As Ian began inching backward, the handle of the roller bag completely in his white-knuckled grasp, he sputtered, "Noooooo, see, Jeffrey, sometimes we may know something but consider it to be not in the best interest to divulge such information."

Britta was aghast, a word she had learned from Ian and thought was pretty applicable. She swatted him and said, "Oh my god! Just tell him! And if you have gossip, you're supposed to tell me since we live together!"

"Love, if I told you everything I have been privy to, it would be inappropriate. I am a therapist."

"Right, sorry."

"Ahem."

They both turned to Jeff, who was clearly not in a patient mood. He said, "You are not Whiman's therapist. And you're my oldest friend here. So spill it. What's the deal with his wife?"

Ian sighed and looked around to make sure no one could overhear. The quad was fairly empty at this point, as classes were in session. He began rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet and stared up at the sky, appearing to collect his thoughts. Finally he stilled and made eye contact with Jeff, his voice slightly wavering as he explained, "I've been aware of the situation for some time, and only because I happened to see something the night of the Tranny Dance. It was after I had been in that brawl and before the ambulance came, but you see, you left, Jeffrey. You just left poor Britta and Michelle stranded."

Britta felt something shift in her chest, and she didn't like it. To be reminded of that awful night was something she didn't really need right now, and to have Ian reference it was hella awkward. They hadn't ever really spoken of it, that night she had declared her love for Jeff in front of the entire school and then been utterly humiliated. Sure, they had some good times of friendship and flirtation over that following summer, but they never really directly addressed her defeat. She felt the wave of shame fall over her but then steadied herself and realized Jeff was staring at her with a softness she also didn't like.

Jeff then seemed to shake himself back and turned to Ian.

"Go on."

"Righty. Well, that night I happened to notice that both of the lovely ladies were understandably upset. Michelle was in a fit, and well, you see Eustice was there, and…"

He stopped speaking and waited for them to fill in the gaps. Britta felt a righteous swelling in her chest as she considered the sure awesomeness of what she was realizing he was telling them. She then snapped her head in Jeff's direction and noticed he wore an expression of dazzled horror and then gasped, "You're not serious?" He stared at Ian for confirmation.

With a noticeable reluctant sigh, Ian explained, "Yes, Jeffrey. Our dear Eustice comforted our dear Michelle, and well I happen to know by some accidental means that they started dating, and well they must have gotten busy pretty quickly, because their child was born sometime that winter. I got them a gift for their baby shower, which I was only invited to because well I may have counseled him to as he always says, seize the day."

The silence was deafening as Britta let the information sink in. She had always hated Michelle and certainly had words with her the night of the dance, but she honestly hadn't thought about her in years. The idea of her and Professor Whitman being together was honestly pretty amazing, and the part of her that had always been a little miffed at Jeff for being such a coward and then immediately hooking up with Annie was delighted. But still, she attempted to keep a straight face.

"Jeff? Say something." She smacked his arm, as he appeared to be in shock.

"Michelle and Eustice?"

Ian nodded.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think you needed to know. Michelle left for City College right after, and you had moved on. Best not to dredge things up." Ian made a shooing gesture with one hand he had released from the roller bag in an attempt to make his point.

"Why hasn't he told me?"

Ian let out a long sigh and then said, "He actually asked me not to tell you, feeling it would be unnecessarily tense. You two never crossed paths really anyway after first year, so I didn't really understand, but I respect someone's wishes if they ask me to keep a secret."

Jeff snapped, "This is Buzz Hickey all over again. Ian, you need to tell me things."

Ian continued, ignoring Jeff's interruption, "But then you started teaching here this summer, and he did come to me and ask me if he should come clean with you. I told him I thought that might be wise and relieve him of an unnecessary burden. Frankly, I cannot understand why he's been so frantic about it. You and Michelle are long over, and you're happy with Annie. He knows this and yet he seems wracked with guilt. It's very odd."

Britta considered it was also very strange until something dawned on her. She asked, "Does Michelle know about Jeff and Annie?"

Jeff bit his knuckle and stared off toward the quad, appearing lost in thought.

Ian replied, "You know what, I have no clue. Now that would be very interesting. Very interesting indeed."

Finally appearing to have wrapped his head around the news, Jeff turned to them and said, "This is all crap. I'll just go have coffee with Eustice and tell him it's no big deal. I'm happy for him and Michelle. It's completely bananas, but my relationship with Michelle doesn't matter anymore. He's got nothing to be upset about. And well, if for some reason Michelle doesn't know about me and Annie, it's a little too high school dramatic for us to avoid her since she lives around the fucking corner. She's a smart woman and can handle it. God." He flipped his head back and closed his eyes.

Britta considered she was glad she wasn't Jeff Winger. Drama followed that guy everywhere, and she was under no illusion that Michelle Slater wouldn't be a problem of some sort. She never liked that bitch.

X

X

Eventually Britta and Ian had ended up in his office, having left Jeff to his soap opera, and Britta just couldn't get over the whole thing. She had continued gasping and slapping Ian until they closed the door, when he had asked for a different kind of slap and she shoved him away as he giggled. She sat down across his desk and nudged the laptop over to him so he could look at her paper, and as he read through it, she contemplated the whole Jeff and Slater fiasco.

"I mean don't you just want to be a fly on the wall during that conversation with Whitman?"

Ian sighed and glanced up from his perusal of her writings and said, "I really don't think it will be anything that salacious. Jeff now already knows everything anyway."

She stood and picked up one of the textbooks out of her roller bag, intent on replacing it on the bookshelf but then paused.

"But there's got to be more to it. Otherwise, Whitman would have told him out in the quad and then run off to his meeting. Why the special date?"

"He was clearly procrastinating. Something you've done many times on your term papers, this one for instance. What in bloody hell do you mean when you type, edible complex?"

Absentmindendly, she replied, "You know, the one with having sex with your mom thingy."

"That's Oedipus Complex."

"That's what I wrote."

He smiled tightly and hit the backspace as she began to place textbooks into their original positions, aware that while Ian's office tended to look like a cluttered mess there was a method to how he stored his books. They were organized by color, which she found oddly endearing. It's something he had never mentioned to her but just something she had picked up on because she had pretty good intuition.

As she put away the books, she mused, "In writing my paper, I came across a bunch of stuff on the harm of family secrets. It was really interesting, actually. Made me think of all the crap between me and my parents, how they had been in denial for so many years about what had happened to me."

"I'm so sorry, love."

"It's okay. You know how things are better between us all now, and I have you to thank for that in getting me to stop running away and actually confront them."

"I'm glad I could help."

She walked over to the second bookcase with a blue text book and quickly found the indigo section and crouched down. She remarked, "Lots of families have secrets. I mean, your family and that whole cousin Clive situation."

"Yes, that is bad."

"I'll say." She found the space between Rats of Fame and Millgram Shocks and shoved in Generated Genealogy Gaps as she added, "Imagine not knowing who your father is. How some people can be so selfish to do that to their kid. I mean I've slept with my fair share of dudes…"

"Still in the room."

"...and luckily I never got knocked up, but god if I had I would have made sure my kid knew."

"Well, as you point out in chapter two here, some mothers exist in denial and try to convince themselves that the biological father is not. It's different then with my cousin Clive, who had no father figure at all in his life. That's because my aunt probably didn't even know herself. So you see, mere selfishness is not always the explanation."

She paused as she continued to be crouched in front of the bookcase and felt the tingling of some Perry intuition. It was something she often felt mocked for, but this time she felt she was on the edge of something.

"I forgot about chapter two." She paused again before continuing, "Right, so some mothers might not even know, like if they're juggling multiple guys."

"Sure."

"And maybe they don't even want to know?"

"Right."

"How old is Slater's kid?"

There was a very long silence, and she started to turn around in her crouch when Ian snapped, "Don't even go there."

"You said she and Whitman must have gotten busy fairly quickly. So let's do the math, he was born when? You went to the baby shower, you must know."

There was a slam of her laptop and then a clomping sound before Ian's shadow was over her. She turned around and stood to face him. He was opening and closing his eyes in rapid succession, perspiration evident on his brow.

He sputtered, "Stop!"

"When was the kid born?"

"I don't even remember. It was like four years ago."

"And when did Slater break up with Jeff again?"

Ian opened his eyes wide and stepped even closer, this time grabbing her shoulders, albeit it fairly gently. He said, "As you know, Jeff and Michelle were over at the end of March. Tranny Dance was May. The child, I don't know but at the time it made sense to me with a Eustice and Michelle hook up, so my guess is about nine or so months after the Tranny Dance."

She quickly did the calculations.

"So, February?"

"I don't know."

"And yet you remember when Jeff and Slater broke up."

There was a long pause before Ian dropped his hands and said, "That may have been because I was perhaps a tad interested in her. I noted it." She nodded, and he suddenly looked panicked and added, "But not seriously, and I'm very glad I never got with her."

"Well, obviously, because you have me."

"Exactly."

He appeared relieved for some reason, but she was still mulling over things, considering perhaps she had gotten it all wrong and her Perry sense was off. It was a bit deflating, to be honest. Something then occurred to her, and she asked, "Wait...you have that little journal thingy where you keep all your appointments. You're like extremely old school."

"Yes, err, why?"

"When was that baby shower?"

"Now, please. I didn't even attend. I merely sent a present to be polite. And I only got around to it after the child was born, so…"

She maneuvered past him and jogged to his desk, shouting, "You always write down all your little receipt thingies and you keep everything! Oh my god, am I so glad you're a mini hoarder right now!"

"Stop!"

She arrived at the desk and opened up the left drawer. He was by her side in seconds and placed his hand on hers.

"Fine. I will find my journal from 2011 if it will put an end to this nonsense."

"Thank you."

He rolled his eyes, something he didn't often do, and shooed her to the side as he opened a lower cabinet in the desk and pulled out a filing system. She groaned with impatience as she listened to the clicking of him going through everything until what seemed like an eternity passed and he was flipping open a leather-bound planner.

"Let's see here. February…." he frowned and then mumbled, "Must have been March…."

She ran to his side once again and reached over and flipped back, muttering, "Slater's a bitch. She'd totally do something like this."

"Now come on, I understand why you don't like her, but that's going a bit far, don't you think?"

"Not at all. Every instinct is telling me this."

"Another reason to be highly skeptical, love."

She finally found a laminated page of receipts with one with a huge blue baby stork printed on it and leaned in to read the date.

"January 5th, 2011."

They were silent for some moments, and then Ian said, "She must have had him a wee bit early then. Nothing unusual."

Britta frowned. "I guess? Probably wouldn't work out for her and Jeff since March. That would be like ten months."

"Right."

"But it's ambiguous."

"It is not. Stop reading into things."

"I mean the only way it would make sense would be if Jeff and Slater hooked up again sometime after their breakup. And Jeff would've told you about that, right?"

"He doesn't tell me everything, but you would know I suppose?"

"About him and her? Nooo, I mean I slept with him in April pretty much after the Chicken Fingers fiasco and that time he left the group for awhile so I don't know what he was up to exactly being all mopey and rejected and shit."

"Thank you for reminding me you slept with Jeffrey."

"Sorry."

"Right. Let's just put this away and forget about it…"

"Jeff does crazy stupid shit when he's feeling rejected. I mean, most of us do. I wouldn't be surprised if he did sleep with her again and just conveniently not mention it."

"Well why on earth would he mention it? It's none of our business. Now, let's just put this away and…"

"And he said her kid was stunning. Oh my god, Jeff is stunning…"

"Yes, thank you for that too, so let's just…"

"Even if he is a jackass. But oh my god, he's our friend! And Slater's a bitch! Someone who cares about him needs to tell him!"

"Britta, please don't…"

She had already run out the door.

Ian sighed and hoped to god she was wrong about the whole thing. He had never considered any of the stuff she had just insinuated, as it seemed a bit far-fetched, but then he remembered they were at Greendale. He didn't want any of this for his poor Jeffrey, the friend he both admired, loved, and at times envied for no rational reason. After changing his life around from sleezy lying lawyer to upstanding citizen he didn't need any complications.

Ian went to the roller bag and realized it was now empty. He smiled at how considerate Britta was, always trying her best to make sure she took care of people. It was one of her finest qualities, even if she did tend to use a sledgehammer at times when a finer tool might do. He turned toward the bookcase and at a quick scan instantly recognized she had completely misshelved the books. Why on earth Generated Genealogy Gaps was in between Rats of Fame and Millgram Shocks when it clearly belonged next to Incest and In-Laws was mind boggling. He moved the book to its appropriate place, swapping it out for Pavlov and You: An Examination of the Effects of Mass Marketing on Wants and Desires.