CHAPTER TITLE: HEAVEN'S JUST A FAIRY TALE

Accompanying Song: "There Isn't Any God", by Rusty Cage

"Hello, Harry Winchester."

"Just Harry, Luna. Still not sure which last name is more mine."

Luna nodded. "Understandable, I suppose. If you're here to see Father, I'm afraid he's in Sweden at the moment."

"Snorkacks?"

"Hyperboreans."

"Hate to break it to you Luna, but as far as I know they can only be found in Canada and Alaska."

"Oh, pooh. I shall have to write Father and inform him immediately."

"Can it wait for a few minutes? See I…I didn't come here to talk to your dad. I came here to talk to…you."

Luna blinked. "…Well, it's a few years ahead of schedule, but I suppose that's to be expected. Won't you come in?"

"Thanks, Luna."

"Of course, Harry. What are friends for?"

"Are we? Friends, I mean?"

"Why shouldn't we be? I already knew it was going to happen eventually, and now so do you. We'd just be skipping all the boring steps in-between."

"…Well, when you put it like that."

"Would you care for some tea? I think there's some Oolong still in the kettle."

"I'd appreciate it."

He watched as she made her way into the kitchen. Whatever else his host's memories had made clear to him, it was that Luna either Knew or Saw things she had no business knowing or seeing. And then deliberately acted off-beat just to keep anyone from noticing when she accidentally let something slip she shouldn't have. A lonely life at the best; he shuddered to think what might've happened if she hadn't made any friends at all in Fifth Year.

He owed it to her to try and keep that from happening.

"I'm afraid we don't have any whiskey to add in, so would you prefer milk or sugar?"

"Just the sugar, thanks."

She handed him his teacup, and they both sipped took a sip from their respective drinks.

He went first. "So…you obviously already know how I know about the future. Would it be rude of me to ask how you know the same?"

"Why, not at all. Friends shouldn't keep secrets from each other. I'm afraid there's not much to tell; my mother died when I was very young. The official explanation is that it was because of a ritual gone wrong; but I know better, because I was there. What actually happened was she sacrificed herself to kill Kronos, the Titan of Time. When he died, his essence was supposed to have been absorbed and locked away, in the deepest depths of Tartarus. Some of it escaped, and found a home in me. Not nearly enough for me to purposefully use it, but just enough for people to notice something odd about me whenever I said or knew things I shouldn't."

"And that's why the act? The made up creatures and…and all that?"

"Partially. But before I give you a complete answer, I must know: what do you know of the Deathly Hallows?"

For just a moment, the whispers from both the Mark and his wand faded entirely. "…Quite a lot, actually. And what I don't know, I can take a pretty good stab at. Why do you have to ask?"

"Because the Hallows exist outside of causality; they are not bound to Time, and therefore it is impossible for me to See anything about them; their location, their age, how much information people have on them. Much less when the person I'm asking has himself managed to break Time by apparently traveling outside this world."

"Wouldn't be the first time I was involved in breaking the laws of physics when Kronos was involved. You'll be happy to know I managed to kill him in the end. But to get back on topic: can you see exactly where I went? Or what my life was like over there?"

"As you say, I can take a good stab at it. Your choices from here on out are going to be influenced by what you saw or did elsewhere. But am I able to see exactly what happened in that alternate reality, one completely un-synced from our own time stream? I'm afraid not. It's very irritating."

"I can see why. But like you said, we're friends. And friends shouldn't keep secrets from each other. So, just to be perfectly clear: I know where the Hallows come from. I know who made them. Hell, I practically have the guy on speed dial. I don't know what their parallels between here and there would be, but I can make some good guesses. Back in the other world, there was a Scythe. And a Ring. Death's Ring. You wore it, you got the job. Shouldn't be that different with the Hallows here. Dumbledore has one, the Wand. He won it off Grindelwald. I have the Cloak, right here in my pocket. And there's a certain friend of mine who's working to get me the Stone by tomorrow. Plan to stop then, til I find out just what getting all three does to you."

"It makes you the Master of Death."

"Well, yeah, I knew that. What I meant was: does it come with any side-effects? Back ho…back there, I mean, wearing the Ring made you permanently invisible until you took it off again. Just wondering if I'd get stuck being invisible forever or something else like that."

"Not as far as I'm aware. And now we come to the complete answer to your original question: the reason I ask about the Hallows, the reason I even know they exist, why I act so strange, why my mother was the one to fight Kronos…to make a long story short, I rather suspect that the Lovegood family's job over here is remarkably similar to the Winchester's job over there. Saving people, hunting things. And keeping the normal people from finding out what's really going on in the world around them."

"Like the Statute of Secrecy?"

"Yes, but even more so. There are some things that not even wizards should ever tangle with; Hyperboreans, Snorkacks, Old Ones, Shoggoths, Mi-Go, the Plateau of Leng, Kadath in the Cold Waste…"

He didn't recognize half the Names Luna was spouting; all he knew was that with each one, the Mark got louder. And louder.

AND LOUDER.

"STOP!"

He sucked in a deep breath. "…Sorry. Sorry, just…those Names…something tells me I'm not supposed to hear them."

"…I apologize. I did not foresee you reacting so poorly. But to continue: the Lovegood family was tasked by the original Wizengamot to keep the darkest, deepest secrets of the world hidden in the greatest web of obfuscation ever seen. Even from the Magicals."

"The truth is such a precious thing, it must at all times be surrounded by a bodyguard of lies."

"Or words to that effect. So, whenever something from…Beyond…turns up, we concoct the most implausible explanation ever, pretend it's the truth, and then give the people the actual truth twisted in such a way they think it's a lie."

"Clever."

"The Wizengamot thought so. They even went so far as to create an entire Department of Mysteries, with absolutely no knowledge of our true role, that does its best to publicly debunk the twisted truths we spout."

"…Huh. The government making the conspiracy theorists the actual conspiracy. I wonder if that ever happened over there."

"Perhaps. But it doesn't look like it, from what I can See. What I did See, however, was the deal you struck earlier tonight with the friend you mentioned earlier. And demons just so happen to be on the list we Lovegoods aren't supposed to ever give out. Which means you have two choices, Harry: you will either join us and assist in our efforts…or you will be killed. The only reason we haven't already attempted the second is you didn't actually sell your soul…and you acted as if the demon you summoned was more trustworthy than most."

His eyebrows flew up. "Just a bit. But killing me? Seems a bit extreme, considering most people would've already had ten years left on their own."

"There was a time we would have opted for Obliviation, but there were too many cases of either taking too much or not enough, so we stopped. Depending on the circumstances, we also used to offer marriage between the offender and a suitable member of the family. It's how my mother married my father; she used to be a Malfoy, and was willing to do anything to escape that family. Even trade her soul to a demon. Fortunately, my father happened to get there in time, and offered her an alternative. They were very happy together, from what I remember."

…Bloody hell. And he'd thought he and his host had it rough growing up. Luna had not only watched her mother die, it had happened in a way that could never be revealed to the outer world, and with consequences that made her life even tougher than it was already destined to be. Add an arranged marriage on top of that, and things were just shitty all round.

If he could make her life easier, then he would do so.

He swallowed. "…As much fun as entertainment of the horizontal variety sounds, I don't think either of us is even remotely ready for marriage. Physically, or mentally. And if Crowley holds up his end of the deal, which he should, considering he always did over there…then once I take care of Moldy-Shorts, I'll be out of a job. Basically, what I'm saying is…I'll join. After this is all over, and I get my OWLS, Harry Potter will disappear. Probably head to America, pick up Sirius, help your father look for those Hyperboreans. And after that? …Depends on if Heaven decides to start the Apocalypse or not. Oh, as an aside: I'm pretty sure that trying to kill me with anything less than Death's Scythe wouldn't work. Not when I have this."

He rolled up his sleeve.

Luna's eyes snapped to the newly revealed Mark. "…The Mark of Cain. From here, or there?"

"Can't say for sure. Got it first over there, but not sure if I brought it back with me, or left it behind and got stuck with this world's version on the trip back."

Luna sucked in through her teeth. "…If that truly is the Mark, then I would strongly advise you gather all three Hallows for yourself. If you were to come by the First Blade, I'm not sure even the whole Lovegood family would be able to stop you. The Hallows should at least balance you somewhat."

"You'd think that. But the thing was nice and quiet right up until I killed that Dementor; and despite having the Cloak with me, it hasn't shown any signs of quieting down. And when you said those Names earlier, it was practically…yelling at me."

"Ah. That would be because they're…oh. You have the Mark, but you never learned what it actually was, did you?"

"Another causality thing?"

"Indeed. The Mark of Cain was originally designed by God and Death to cage the third member of their original group: a being known as the Darkness. The Names that I mentioned earlier are all vestiges of the Darkness' power; as well as the Dementors. When you killed the one I Saw earlier, you must have reminded the Mark of its original purpose. And having in your possession something made by Death, one of the original binders, would not have helped the problem."

"It gets worse. Were you able to See what my new wand is made out of? The one I used to kill the Dementor?"

"Only the outer material. Bone, correct?"

"Yep. And the core is the feather…of an archangel."

"…Let me guess: Michael?"

"Correct."

"Hmm. Considering Michael was around to help during the caging of the Darkness, I'm going to assume your wand reacted even worse to the Dementors than the Mark did?"

"Yep. In fact, it was the one that started whispering first. And then ordering, when the Dementors came out. And there wasn't a single thing I could do but do what it said. It was like the Imperius, but worse."

"…Then despite your best intentions, there is a very good chance it will force you to say yes to Michael if Heaven truly does want to start the Apocalypse."

"Exactly. If it comes right down to it, I need someone willing to kill me before that happens. It won't put me down permanently, but it'll turn me into a demon. Something I know for a fact Michael will refuse to possess. The issue would be moot if Heaven never noticed just what I am; but considering just my little side-trip alone probably threw the Fates' strings into total chaos, you can bet they're at least watching me. Which means I need to stay as far away from Heaven's forces as I possibly can. Now, as much as I'd like to have their help, I frankly don't trust them to not rip the Mark off and pass it along to one of their own when they go poking around my soul. Unfortunately, that means a bit of the Dork Lard's soul is gonna be stuck next to mine for a good long while to come. And that's something that is probably gonna cause trouble down the line."

"…Horcruxes? He truly went that far?"

"Can't See those either, huh?"

"Regrettably. How many?"

"Seven, that I know of. Possibly eight, if he's done it to his snake yet."

"Can we get to all of them?"

"Shouldn't be too hard. Since I got more of the Moldy-Shorts in me than he currently does, I have more authority than he does when it comes to making deals. So I traded one part to Crowley for the Stone, which in an utter twist of irony the Horcrux was attached to, and have plans to trade the rest for various things right up until the last piece."

"The one that's walking around under its own power."

"Bingo. I got something very different in mind for that one."

"Good. Well, as far as I can see, there's really only one option left. You still need the Hallows, if only because Death might notice their unification and take the opportunity to check in. Maybe he'll be able to get rid of your Horcrux then. You're also going to need the First Blade, to kill the final soul piece of the Dark Lord without having to kill yourself as well."

"How did you…"

"Know that was what you meant by something very different in mind? It seemed logical. But that's only two parts of the puzzle; to have balance, you need a third. Something that's purely Light, possibly created by God himself."

"…I ain't walking around with the Ark of the Covenant on my back, if that's what you mean."

"Oh no, I was thinking more along the lines of the tablets. Angel and demon. Not exactly inconspicuous, but still better than that wand you've got. Added together, they might just have enough power to stabilize you."

"…Let's hope so. Right; got any more questions for me?"

"…Was Kronos' death slow?"

"No. It was, however, painful."

"Good. That's…good. I think. I don't know."

"You probably never will. So…is that it? Cause I'm pretty sure I promised to join the family business, and I got something for you to sign as well."

"You mean the contract you drew up? That should suffice for both sets of requirements, considering you signed it as well. Where is it?"

He pulled the rolled-up parchment from his pocket.

As she signed, just one more thing came to mind. "Any idea how this school year is gonna be different than it was originally meant to be?"

"Quite a few, actually. But if I were to make any revelations, your foreknowledge would inevitably lead to worse outcomes."

"Figured."

He rolled the contract back up, and stood. "Thanks for the tea. Don't get a chance to sit down with a friend very often. Don't be a stranger at school; might not run the DA this time around, and even if I do, its gonna be very different. Take care, Luna."

"You as well, Harry."

He'd only just gotten the Triumph parked in the attic when he heard pounding footsteps behind him. Sighing to prepare himself for the inevitable lecture coming from whomever had noticed his absence, he swung himself off the saddle…only to be shoved back against the bike by a certain attractive pink-ette currently doing her best to suck out his tonsils. He briefly considered inquiring into the matter, but in the end, when in Rome, it was usually best to do as the Romans do. So he did.

When at last they broke apart for air, he did manage to get one question out. "Not that I'm complaining, but just what did I do to deserve something like that?"

"DO?" Oh crap, Tonks was crying. "DO? DO, HE ASKS!"

"Listen Tonks, whatever it is, I can explain…"

"YOU SAVED HESTIA, YOU MORON! YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO ME EVER AGAIN!"

And then it was back to the oral surgery.

Oh. Carry on, then.

Now, he wasn't exactly the best when it came to dealing with crying women. In either lifetime. But at least a crying Tonks he knew for sure wasn't interested in him as a boyfriend. At least, he thought she wasn't. Then again, she'd been spending a whole lot less time around Remus this summer…and if she was gonna stick around, he'd have to make a few things clear to her about the werewolf's natural disposition.

Her Patronus used to be a bear, til she got involved with Lupin. He'd have to check later and see if it looked more like a wolf now.

But that could wait.

For now, all she needed him to be was caring. Caring he could do. He'd been doing it for nigh on forty years now. So he held her close, rubbed her shoulders, and let her do whatever the hell she wanted to do, whether that be kissing or crying.

When at last she seemed to calm down a bit, he took the opportunity to add some soft words to the physical comfort. "Hey, it was the least I could do. Helping people's kinda my job, after all."

Tonks gave a hiccupping sob. "It shouldn't be; it shouldn't. I should've been there…Moody was there, and he couldn't do anything…if you hadn't…if…oh Harry…"

And then it was back to the crying again.

He held her til she fell asleep in his arms; a bit of a surprise, considering leaning against a motorcycle wasn't exactly the most comfortable of positions. Then again, it was well past midnight. She'd probably been beating herself up since Mad-Eye told her what happened, which by his reckoning was about eight hours ago. Not good.

He gently picked her up, making a mental note to do his best to continue rescuing beautiful women if he kept on getting reactions like this. He turned to carry her back down the stairs…

And finally noticed the two very hot-under the collar ladies standing there.

Hoh boy.

Before things could spiral any further out of control, he pushed past the pair of them, doing his best not to jostle Tonks in the exit. If he was gonna have this sort of conversation tonight, he was damned well not gonna have it where it might wake up the Auror who needed all the sleep she could get.

Naturally, Hermione and Ginny both followed him.

He deposited Tonks in her bed, and did his best to tuck her in without getting too handsy. It didn't help she really didn't wanna let go of him; s'what he got for acting like a human teddy bear. But in the end, he managed it, and turned back towards the still red-faced girls watching. A finger over his lips indicated quite clearly his desire for silence at the moment, and though they both quite obviously didn't like it, they complied.

Back to the attic they went. Only thing they'd be disturbing up there was a Hippogriff; and Harry was pretty sure he could take it if needs be.

"Right; fire at will."

Hermione took the first shot. "So; stayed out of danger, did you? You know, I actually believed Professor Moody when he said that you hadn't been all that involved. Right up until Hestia Jones came in wailing fit to burst. Killing a Dementor? At close range? There's only one person I know who'd be suicidal enough to try it. The others might not have put two and two together, but we certainly could."

"And just how did you manage to overhear what I'm sure was an official Order meeting? Cause I'm pretty sure you're still not Members."

Hermione had the decency to blush; Ginny, however, did not. "Doesn't stop Fred and George, and I'm pretty sure I haven't heard you giving them any grief."

"True. But with them, I have what you might call a mutually-beneficial arrangement. You two? You already know how I feel about people snooping on my secrets. Well, you more so than Ginny, Hermione. So what if I got a little more involved than I said? It's not like I was in that much danger."

"NOT THAT MUCH DANGER?!"

"Hermione, shhhh!"

"I'll shush you, Harry James Potter! You could have died!"

"No, I couldn't, actually."

"WHAT?!"

"Ginny, please."

"Oh no you don't, mister! You don't just say 'it's fine, I can't actually die', and expect us to just roll over and accept it!"

"Harry I know your luck is frankly the stuff of legend, but immortality? That's stretching it, even for you."

"Believe me, its not. And I'm not saying anything else in front of someone who hasn't signed."

Ginny stuck her hand out. "Fine. Gimme."

…Aw to hell with it, he was probably gonna need her in the DA later.

He let her sign.

"Fine. Happy now?"

Hermione's eyes flashed. "Far from it, Harry James Potter. Immortality. Explain."

He sighed. "Long story short, I can't die until Moldy-Shorts does. And there's a few other extenuating circumstances beyond that I really don't want to talk about, since they have world-ending connotations. Suffice to say I'm like ninety percent sure I'm not gonna be dying anytime soon."

"…That's it? You went out against Dementors based on that? You moron! Just because you can't die, doesn't mean you can't still get your soul sucked out!"

"Actually, this kind of immortality, it does. Even if it's still bloody painful."

"YOU LET ONE KISS YOU?!"

Damn.

"I had a hunch, okay? And it worked out, see? I'm fine, everything's fine, Hestia's fine…wait, hold up. How'd she know someone was there beside her?"

"Just because someone's eyes are closed doesn't mean they can't hear anything, Harry. And seriously? Out of all the one-liners you could've picked, you picked one about bubblegum?"

"Hey, that movie was awesome. Reminds me of a case I worked once in a bank. Shape-shifters; you would've hated it."

Ginny looked like she'd been hit in the face with a Bludger. "…Shape-shifters?"

"Long story that I have no intention of telling this early in the morning. So, when you say no one else put two and two together, I'm guessing Hestia didn't recognize my voice. You got suspicious, confronted Tonks, got her suspicious as well, then all three of you went to talk to Mad-Eye, right?"

"…Something like that."

"Lemme guess: you weren't expecting her to react like that."

Ginny gave a very soft 'no'.

"Tidbit for you: I'm pretty sure Hestia and Tonks were in the same Auror class. They've known each other for years, at least."

"…Oh. So, that was…"

"Honestly, I have no idea beyond 'very vigorous gratitude'."

Hermione and Ginny both blushed.

"If it helps, I'm pretty sure she's interested in Remus, not me."

Ginny visibly relaxed, whereas Hermione looked…relieved?

Aw hell, not her too.

There was no way on Earth this was gonna end well.

"Now, I can appreciate that we all have very strong opinions on certain things we've discussed tonight. But its late, and there's no way we're functioning at our best emotionally. So why don't we just…go to bed, and discuss this in the morning?"

Hermione frowned. "We can't. Your owl came while you were gone; your trial is set for ten tomorrow morning."

"Which means its actually gonna be at nine, in a completely different courtroom. Thanks for warning me."

He meant it, too. He knew all about magically binding bracelets; and he fully intended to spit in the face of the Ministry by slipping out of them with a liberal application of silk. Not just good for tying knots.

And if they asked for his wand, well…he'd be more than happy to give it to them.

"In that case, I amend my previous statement. You two are going to bed; I'm calling my lawyer, and then sacking out for as long as I can. Once I proceed to show everyone just how asinine the Ministry actually is, we'll all go get ice cream at Fortescue's. Sound fair?"

Ginny beamed. "It's a date!"

Hermione took longer. "…Fine. But only if you're paying."

"Naturally. You don't think I'd be that rude to a pair of lovely ladies, do you?"

"Prat."

"Jerk."

"Wanker."

"HARRY!"

Honestly, it was really a shame.

He sighed, and sat down on the bed next to Tonks. "Tonks…"

The only reply he got was a snore.

Sure, he could've left her behind. But something told him she'd give him nothing but grief over it later. Especially considering it would be a good chance for her to catch up with her dad.

He gave her a small shove. "Time to get up, Tonks."

He was utterly unprepared for the arm that came up and dragged him down with it.

Trapped.

"Hermione? Help?"

"Oh no you don't. You got yourself into this mess; you can get yourself out."

"Fine. Tonks, if you don't get up this very instant, I'm going to say your first name."

To absolutely no one's surprise, that did the trick.

Tonks stretched out, freeing Harry from her grasp. "Chrlie, wht I tld u bout m nme?"

Charlie? Charlie…Weasley?

Huh. Well that explained a good deal about why someone as good-looking as her didn't have at the very least one boyfriend. Being dumped for dragons probably wasn't a great confidence booster.

"Sorry to disappoint Tonks, but not Charlie. And unless you want to miss your chance to take me to the Ministry, you're gonna have to get up."

Tonks bolted upright in bed. "HARRY?"

"OW! Mind the eardrums, woman!"

"…Harry?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Did…did we…"

"Would it matter if we had?"

"Ye…n…I don't know…"

"Hmm. Well, for better worse, we, in fact, did not. Now, you have about half-an-hour to get ready if you wanna come with. Don't expect us to wait on you; business before pleasure, I'm afraid."

He made to rise, when the same arm from before latched onto his own.

"Harry, wait."

"Waiting."

"I just…last night…I was…"

"Tired? Emotional? In desperate need of someone to cry on? Yes to all the above?"

"…Yes."

"It's fine, Tonks. You're worth any amount of tears, mine or yours. And I meant what I said: saving people is my job. And I'll be keeping a special eye on both you and anyone else you say from now on. Kay?"

"…Okay."

"And as nice as it feels, I'm afraid I'm gonna need my arm back."

She jerked away. "Sorry, I just…sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for. See you downstairs."

The door swung closed behind him.

He glared at Hermione. "Not. A word. To Ginny."

"Wouldn't dream of it."

The Auror on duty couldn't have looked more bored. "Please check your wand for the duration of your visit. You will receive it back once you're cleared of all charges."

See? Even the Aurors thought this couldn't possibly end well for the Ministry.

Still, it was best to play along. He calmly deposited his phoenix-feather wand in the box, and continued on past to where Ted Tonks was waiting.

"An hour early, and a courtroom on the complete opposite side of the Ministry. As you predicted. How'd you know?"

"I know they'd do anything to silence me for good. Up to and including chucking me in Azkaban without a trial. The only reason they're even bothering is in this case is they need the pretense of legality."

And oh boy was he about to rip their precious legalities to shreds.

"If you're that paranoid, why in Merlin's name did you let them take your wand?"

"Well, for one, I'm pretty confident in the abilities of my bodyguards."

Ted's brows furrowed in confusion, before the footsteps behind them heralded the arrival of the two people he'd trusted well enough to come along.

"Hiya Da!"

"Nymphadora? What are you doing here?"

"Escort duty, Da. Somebody's gotta keep an eye on Harry here, seeing as how he's busy keeping an eye on everyone else."

"Aye." Mad-Eye agreed. "Lad needs all the help he can get sometimes. How ye doing, Ted?"

"…Well, Mad-Eye. Been awhile."

Harry looked from one back to the other. "…Known each other long, then?"

"Oh, you know. Ever since my wife got stuck as his Junior Partner in Auror training."

"…You know, that explains far too much about certain things."

"I'm sure. Ready, Mr. Potter?"

"Born ready, Mr. Tonks. Let's wipe the floor with these amigos."

Sure enough, out came the chains and handcuffs.

"OBJECTION! My client is being charged with underage sorcery, hardly a felonious matter. Such treatment is inhumane and harsh!"

Up in the stand, Madame Bones sighed. "I'm afraid I must agree. Minister, have the chains removed."

He could see Fudge's eyes twinkle from where he sat. "So sorry Amelia, but I'm afraid it's impossible to remove them until after the trial is completed. It's the magic of the things, you see."

Harry nodded at Ted, who did as he'd been asked. "Just to clarify, the court agrees that my client's current bindings are in fact unrequired and uncalled for, and were it possible to remove them, they should be?"

Fudge did his best to look solemn. "Yes. A truly regrettable circumstance."

Time for a little magic trick of his own.

"Regrettable, indeed. Fortunately," he rubbed his wrists in full view of the court, "Easily rectified."

"AURORS! THE PRISONER IS LOOSE!"

Harry made a great show of looking wildly around. "Prisoner? Oh Lord, where?"

"YOU!"

Thank Merlin his host had been halfway good at acting. "…Me?"

"YES!"

"Oh no, I'm afraid you must have me confused with someone else. See, I'm not a prisoner. I'm just a fifteen year old schoolboy being railroaded by the ruling government because I'm not willing to lay down and die like they'd prefer."

Everything erupted after that.

Boy oh boy was he glad he'd told Ted Rita's secret; for once, this was a trial the media would be on his side for.

Umbridge looked positively murderous; no surprise there. She obviously wasn't expecting him to call her out on the Dementors, even if it was in a way that sounded metaphorical. The fact there weren't any witnesses able to definitively state he'd even been in the Alley yesterday beyond Ollivander (and he wasn't talking) was probably driving her to distraction. From her point of view, this was her last chance before Hogwarts to try and smack him down.

Unlucky for her, Potters and Winchesters both made excellent whack-a-moles. Hit 'em down, and they'll just keep popping back up somewhere else.

Madame Bones pounded her gavel on the bench. "ORDER! ORDER!"

It was awhile before anyone actually complied.

When at last she resorted to a cannon blast from her wand, people began to get a general idea just how serious she was. Things quieted down quickly after that.

"It is the opinion of this court that Harry James Potter is not a prisoner. As such, he is not to be subjected to restraint of any type. Am I clear?"

She very pointedly directed that last bit to the Fudge and his toad. They sputtered and pouted, but in the end there was really nothing they could do.

Well, aside to come after him from another angle.

Fudge's eyes began to twinkle. "With the absence of magical restraints, the natural magic of the defendant's seat can now be used. I make a motion to activate the truth charms upon the box."

…Bugger. He was really gonna have to think fast on this one.

"I second the motion!" Umbridge.

Madame Bones sighed. "Very well. All in favor?"

To no one's surprise, the motion passed.

"The truth charms have now been activated. To test, please state something we all know for a fact to be true."

"I am a student at Hogwarts."

Nobody missed Fudge's attempt to mutter 'not for much longer'.

"Note that the truth charms detected no lie. To demonstrate the detections further, please state a falsehood to the court."

"My name is Dean Potter."

That oughta keep 'em worried for a while.

"…Note that the truth charms detected no lie. Please state another falsehood, if you please Mr. Potter."

"My birthday is March the Fourteenth."

"…Note that the truth charms detected no lie."

Ted took that moment to step in. "If it please the court, it is the position of the defendant that the truth charms have proven unreliable. As such, any and all responses they provide should be proclaimed unacceptable as evidence."

Madame Bones rapped her gavel once again. "Sustained. All information from the truth charms is to be considered unacceptable evidence. Prosecution, you have the floor."

"Heh, hem. Mr. Potter. Were you or were you not located at your residence of Number Four Privet Drive at the time of 2 o'clock AM on the morning of August the 1st?"

"I was not."

"Perjury is a serious offense, Mr. Potter. We have traces of magic being cast at your residence at that time; it would be wise for you to tell the truth."

"I am. If you like, I could swear a magical oath to the effect that not only was I not in residence at the specified time, but that I have in fact not preformed any magic before or since that date."

Best not to mention the Point-Me-Charm he'd used earlier.

Umbridge smiled. Not good. "Considering the fallibility of the truth charms applied to the defendant's chair, would it be a stretch of the imagination to imagine that Mr. Potter himself is causing the problem?"

Madame Bones nodded. "It is possible."

"Then would it not logically follow that the same effect would apply to any and all magical oaths made by Mr. Potter?"

"OBJECTION! Oaths and charms are completely different fields of magic, Madame Umbridge! The odds of a mere schoolboy being able to outmaneuver something as sacrosanct as a magical oath is an insult and slander of the highest order! The defendant demands Madame Umbridge retract her line of reasoning."

"Sustained."

Too little, too late. Umbridge had gotten what she wanted.

Time to go on the offensive.

"if it please the court, the reason I could not possibly have been in residence at the time specified was that my house was in the process of burning to the ground at the time. I'm quite sure the records of both the DMLE and the Muggle authorities will agree on that fact, if nothing else."

"And just how did your house come to be on fire at the time, Mr. Potter?"

"How should I know? I woke up, saw the flames, and got the Hell out. If there was even any magic cast at all that night, which I doubt, I'd say odds are it was someone trying to kill me in a way that made it look like a tragic accident."

Odds were, but reality wasn't. Technically, he hadn't lied.

Umbridge tsked. "Such a high opinion of your own worth, Mr. Potter. Why should anyone wish to kill you?"

"Oh, lots of reasons. Lucius Malfoy, for one, to get his hands on both the Black and Potter fortunes. Where is the esteemed Lord Malfoy, anyways? I thought for sure he'd be here to enjoy this."

Fudge sighed. "Oh, haven't you heard? Tragic circumstance, tragic. Lord Malfoy was found dead in his house this morning. All signs pointed to him being mauled by a wild demiguise. Such an unfortunate fate."

Demiguise? Oh yeah, the invisible thingies. Invisible plus mauling equals hellhounds. Looked like Crowley was holding up his end of the bargain after all.

"Really? I wish I could say it was a great loss. But considering he's tried to kill me indirectly three times now by my count, forgive me if I'm a little less than sad he's gone."

"HOW DARE YOU SLANDER THE MEMORY OF SUCH A GREAT MAN! I make a motion to restrain the defendant from any further speech!"

"Seconded!"

"All in favor?"

Aw hell.

Time for Plan C.

"OBJECTION! As my client does not stand accused of a felony, any such measures would be not only unlawful, but derogatory!"

"HE IS TOO BEING CHARGED WITH A FELONY!"

"IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO CHARGE SOMEONE UNDERAGE WITH ANYTHING MORE THAN A MISDEMEANOR!"

"ORDER! ORDER!"

Well this was just the biggest shitstorm he'd ever seen.

"MR. TONKS! The court demands to know what you mean by impossible!"

"MADAME BONES! Not only does the law explicitly state that no one found guilty of underage sorcery can be charged as an adult, but it also states that any adult is legally allowed to preform magic in their own residence! It is the opinion of the defendant that this sham of a trial is the greatest of contradictions! You cannot charge someone with underage sorcery, and then expect them to be subjected to an adult-level punishment without them being afforded all the rights of said adult in the magical world! In other words, there's no legal way for you to do anything to my client other than a fine of at most a hundred Galleons! Pushing for any further compensations will only invalidate the entire case! And considering that is exactly what the Honorable Minister Fudge and Madame Umbridge have attempted to do with my client by planning to have his wand snapped, they have effectively declared my client a legal adult, making these proceedings null and void!"

"AGREED!" Madame Bones' gavel came down with a resounding finality. "CASE DISMISSED!"

"NOOOOOOOOO! AVA-"

Aw hell. He really should have seen this coming.

"-DA KE-"

They'd pushed Umbridge over the edge. All she cared about now was taking Harry with her.

"-DAV-"

Oh well. Only one thing to do now.

"-RA!"

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Triple tap.

One dead toad.

Waste of bullets if you asked him.

Smoking gun in his right hand, second wand producing a magical shield in his left.

And no less than four Aurors all pointing their wands in his direction.

Just once, he'd like to find out what he'd done to Fate to piss her off so much.

Well, in this life at least.