Entry 71: A changing social life isn't always a good thing
In the past two weeks, my social life has drastically altered. First of all, Hagrid has gone. Honestly, I thought that Hagrid's arrest wouldn't change my day to day life very much, but I underestimated the degree to which it would.
Hagrid's a roamer. He wanders the castle and the grounds as he pleases, doing jobs, exercising Fang or just trying to bump into a friendly face. This means that I usually see Hagrid at least once a day and, if neither of us has anywhere to be, we will stop and have a conversation about how our days are going. Obviously, that doesn't happen at the moment and it makes me feel like a part of my daily routine is missing. It's strange how the lack of Hagrid's friendly smile could impact me so much. Maybe it's because I know that he has gone somewhere where that smile won't be appreciated.
Hagrid's removal has also indirectly meant that I am alone far more often. Normally, I have very few moments to myself. In the common room, I'm surrounded by friends; in the library, I almost always have someone to study with; in the Great Hall it's literally impossible not to talk to someone and a large amount of my time is spent in lessons. My entire day is usually spent with lots of people at all times. I like it that way, as long as I have a semi-regular quiet time with George where I can recharge from mass social interaction and focus on one person.
I suppose I haven't really been alone most of the time recently either. It's just that my companion is a dog. Fang.
With Hagrid gone, Fang is no-one's priority. It turns out that the house elves had been left to look after him, something I found out on my first solo visit to Hagrid's hut, the day after he was taken away. I was sat, stroking Fang when an elf called Gosney popped in. We were both shocked to see each other there and I asked her to keep my presence a secret from Hogwarts staff members or any prefects and the head boy and head girl. I also requested that they keep on making sure Fang is taken care of.
Fang being looked after by house elves wouldn't be a problem if not for the fact that taking care of a dog takes more than just feeding them. You also need to clean up after them, wash them, exercise them and generally just spend time with them. A house elf wouldn't be able to do the latter two jobs, so I have taken it upon myself to do it instead.
Exercise is limited to the inside of Hagrid's hut, which means we can't do much, but being caught outside would land me in major trouble so it has to do. I've tried to make the best use of the space by creating an obstacle course of sorts around the hut, with jumps and things to crawl under. Despite Fang's size, he is well trained and nimble, so he completes the course fairly easily every time. But he seems to enjoy it anyway.
I tend to spend about an hour or two with Fang every day, sneaking in and out of the hut each time. Let me tell you, this was no easy feat. On the first day, I had to try and sneak out with no help whatsoever. After almost being caught by no less than four teachers (who patrol in the day as well as the night) across both trips, I decided that I didn't want to go without help again. So, that evening, I went to George to ask how he and Fred snuck around the castle at night to play pranks.
At first, George was very hesitant to tell me. He thought that I was 'looking for trouble' which is 'unlike me' so didn't want to encourage it. I tried to counter that by reminding him that I've helped them with pranks before, but George said that pranking was a different type of trouble than going out when a monster was on the loose. However, after I explained that I just wanted to take care of Fang and would be in Hagrid's hut for most of the time anyway, his expression shifted from one of worry to one of exasperation and what I think was fondness.
Turns out he and Fred had had to put a lot of effort into not getting caught in their first two years. But, last year, George had spent time trying to learn the disillusionment charm, a spell usually taught in fifth year. You see, what determines when a spell is taught to students is not the amount of power a spell requires, or how difficult it is to cast. No, it's based on the theory behind the spell. Most people struggle with spell theory, meaning that spells that use easier theories are taught to younger students. The thing is, magical theory is based on the same principles as muggle science, and I am well versed in those subjects due to the past life and all, meaning that I am also very good at magical theory. This ability is something that I have in common with George, which is why he was able to learn the disillusionment charm last year after a period of study. George promised me that he would show me what books I could learn the disillusionment charm from the next day and, while I was still learning the spell, would cast it on me every time I wanted to go and see Fang.
The next day, the two of us waited for a teacher to show up to take a group of us down to the library (as we're not allowed to walk anywhere without one). Once we found a table, the two of us got to work. George found me the books I needed and we both started to copy out sections of them so that I wouldn't need to be in the library when I wanted to study the charm. It took me three days of dedicating a few hours to the spell (and falling behind on homework in the meantime), but I finally got the spell down. I learnt the spell far faster than someone of my age should, but I also had to spend far more time on it than a spell I would learn in class, which I can usually do within a single lesson.
The charm (and the charm to reverse it) has made it far easier for me to sneak down and see Fang, which I am incredibly grateful for. I ran to find George and give him a hug after my first trip to Hagrid's Hut using the charm, causing George to blush in embarrassment when Fred started to tease him.
With the disillusionment charm, I am able to spend more time around Fang every day. But, while I enjoy Fang's company, his lack of ability to hold a conversation has left me feeling rather lonely. Yet spending time with Fang is better than all alternatives. I'm unable to meet up with my friends from other houses unless I'm in the library as we all have to say in our own common rooms or dorms and the Hufflepuff's safe room is currently closed. In the Gryffindor common room, I am constantly faced with Harry's refusal to even look at me. Even if I'm sat far away from him I am hyper aware of his presence across the room. My dorm room is even worse as Lav and Parvarti are rarely there for long and I have an ever present reminder that Hermione is petrified.
At least in Hagrid's hut, loneliness is my choice and not due to my failures.
Apart from Hagrid's hut, lessons are my safe haven. I have a constant distraction in the form of taking notes and am able to sit with my friends from other houses, who are able to take my mind off of Harry and Hermione to some extent. Ron even sits next to me in a couple of lessons, allowing us to talk without me feeling awkward around Harry. It is through these conversations with Ron that I was able to find out that they were trying to figure out Hagrid's spider clue, however reluctant it was on Ron's part. Each time he brought it up I made sure he knew that he and Harry should be careful, as I didn't want them to get injured by Aragog. I would also request that he pass on the message to Harry, garnering a small, sympathetic smile from Ron each time.
I tried to speak to Harry myself in the first few days of Hogwart's lockdown. Each time he wouldn't respond. He wouldn't even look at me to let me know that he heard me. I know he did though, as each time I started to apologise he would get up and move somewhere else.
It was almost as if he didn't want to hear my apology. Yet it took him less than a second to forgive Ernie MacMillan in Herbology today.
I was sat on the same table as Ernie, Hannah and Susan, the former having apologised to the three of us a few days previous. He left to get us a Shrivelfig and came back bright eyed, letting out a relieved chuckle and telling us how Harry had forgiven him (although it seemed as though Ron hadn't). It was that interaction that made me turn towards Harry, slightly hurt that he would accept Ernie's apology so fast when he wouldn't even listen to mine. His eyes were locked onto something so I followed his eye line, only to see a large gathering of spiders scurrying out of the greenhouse. Harry finally knew what to do with Hagrid's clue.
I had wanted to tell Harry and Ron to be careful one last time, so waited for them after class to walk to DADA with them. Their heads had been locked together in conversation before I showed up next to them, but Harry stiffened when he heard my voice.
"Hey!" I started, a little too loud, causing me to stop and clear my throat in embarrassment, "I saw the spiders! Yeah, I, uh, saw you looking at the spiders, so, to get to the point, I just wanted to say –"
"You're not coming with us," Harry cut me off, almost frantically. It was the first thing he had said to me in weeks, the first time he had even looked at me. He wasn't able to hold eye contact for long though, quickly turning to look at Ron instead. Ron must have seen something in Harry's expression, as he soon backed Harry up.
"Yeah, maybe it's best you don't come with us on this one mate." Rubbing his nose awkwardly he promised to tell me what they would find before speeding up, Harry next to him.
I was too upset to think about quickening my pace, causing Professor Sprout to be slightly annoyed with me when I turned up at the DADA classroom a bit behind the rest of my classmates who she had led there. But her annoyance (not that there was much in the first place, this is Sprout after all) soon turned to worry when she saw the expression on my face. She tried to ask if I was alright but I brushed her off with an 'I'm fine' and walked into the DADA classroom.
DADA was worse than usual, with Lockhart parading around the room, exclaiming how he believed that Hagrid was obviously guilty and that everyone was safe now.
All that was obvious to me was that today's safe haven had been ruined and that I need to spend more time with Fang this evening to make up for it.
Entry 72: Spending time with Fang didn't work
Well, that's not one hundred percent true. Actually spending time with Fang was very relaxing. He wasn't in the mood to do much exercise today, so we instead sat by Hagrid's large fireplace. I stroked Fang's head as I started reading a book that I had stashed in the hut in case such a scenario occurred. I was so relaxed (and emotionally exhausted) that I fell asleep right there.
This itself didn't cause any problems. It probably would have done if I had slept till morning and Lav and Parvarti woke up only to find me missing, but that didn't happen. No, instead I woke up to the slamming of a door at about one in the morning.
I wearily blinked my eyes open, only to see Harry, invisibility cloak in hand, staring at me in surprise. Ron stood beside him, although he was less shocked. I had told him in our lessons that I was looking after Fang and had been giving him small updates about the dog. He was still slightly surprised to see me, however, (probably because of the time) and let out a quiet 'Em?'.
Harry's reaction was far worse than that.
"I told you that you couldn't come," He stalked towards me, hissing in anger, "You are going nowhere near the Forbidden Forest!"
His voice stayed quiet, aware that making too much noise would alert someone to the fact that we were outside, but his lack of volume almost made his outburst worse.
Fang barked in protest, only for Ron to stuff some of Hagrid's treacle fudge in his mouth to keep him quiet.
"I just –" I tried to explain myself but Harry cut me off once again.
"Look, I get that you want to help. But not this time, okay. Wait here for us to return." As he spoke he and Ron moved towards the door and gestured for Fang to come with them. The dog looked towards me as if to check that he had my approval to leave. With a nod of my head, the dog bounded out of the door, closely followed by Harry. Ron gave me a parting apologetic look and left after I whispered good luck.
Of course, I wasn't going to wait around for them to come back. For one, I would have gone out of my mind with worry if I had sat about doing nothing, and I wasn't in the mood to read the book again. Instead, I searched Hagrid's hut for a quill and piece of parchment. I scribbled down a note and placed it on top of Harry's invisibility cloak (which had been placed upon the table by Ron) so that the boys would definitely see it. In it, I made sure I told them where I had gone, that I had used the disillusionment charm and I hadn't actually come to help, only to spend time with Fang. I also apologised to Harry for the diary incident. I had the opportunity to make a heartfelt apology, so I was going to take it, even if I did take a bit of a dig at him beforehand. He got angry with me over nothing, after all.
I haven't spoken to Ron yet today to find out about their adventure. I'm not expecting to get to talk to Harry again, although it would be nice if he did chose to speak to me. I'll find out later, I guess.