Olivia and Nick walked dejectedly into the squad room, and they'd barely reach their desks when they heard Cragen.
"Benson. My office."
Olivia looked up and saw Cragen standing in the doorway of his office, looking annoyed. Her eyes shot over to Nick, and she saw he was looking at her too. As soon as her eyes connected with his, his gaze slipped away, and she knew that she was on her own. She grabbed a half-empty bottle of water off her desk and headed towards Cragen's office. He stepped aside as she passed inside and closed the door behind her. Olivia stood as Cragen rounded his desk, fidgeting with the lid of the water bottle.
Cragen just stared at her for a moment, and Olivia knew he was taking a moment to calm down before he spoke. This wasn't the first time she'd stood in this same place, and most likely, it wouldn't be the last.
"Do you want to tell me what happened out there today?" Cragen asked pointedly.
Olivia knew exactly what he was asking, but she didn't need Cragen to chastise her. She had been beating herself up ever since she'd messed up the surveillance of their suspect. "He got by me." She said, working hard to keep her eyes trained on her Captain.
"And someone got hurt."
"I know." She and Nick had been sitting in separate spots, had different viewpoints. She had missed their suspect exiting the building on her side, and he'd come up behind Nick. The man hadn't known Nick was a cop, but as he'd passed, Nick had recognized him and surprised him, earning a slug in the face. A footrace had ensued, with their suspect weaving in and out of traffic. Olivia had been spurred into action, but she hadn't arrived in time to help Nick or prevent the crash of a car and a bicycle. Neither one had seriously been injured, but it was her action, or lack thereof, that had caused the chain of events. She was responsible.
"Do you want to tell me how you could have possibly missed him, when you were stationed just outside the door of his building? He would have had to walk right by you."
Olivia didn't have an answer; not one that she could share. Surveillance on your own was always tricky and Cragen knew that, but the plan had been for him to spot him and alert Nick and push him towards her partner. But she'd been distracted by reading her messages from Elliot and trying to figure out how and if to respond. She'd only looked for a few seconds, she swore.
Cragen couldn't possibly know that.
Maybe it was just the usual buttoning down when she or one of the others made a mistake. A case she screwed up when she had been partnered with Elliot came to mind. A distraction caused by her brother.
"I heard Elliot was in the station house yesterday." Cragen said when she didn't respond.
Olivia let her eyes drop and she twisted the water bottle in her hands. "That doesn't have anything to do with this."
"It's a coincidence then?"
She lifted her head to look at him again. Olivia couldn't tell from Cragen's inflection if it was a question, or a comment. She chose to believe it was the latter and stayed silent. He had obviously already reached his own conclusion. She had learned from experience that any attempt to dissuade him was pointless.
She saw that Cragen wanted to say more but was trying really hard not to overstep. He'd been a witness, a referee, a mentor, a counselor, and sometimes, an unwilling participant in the partnership between she and Elliot. He had earned a right to meddle a little.
"I ran into him." She started. "Unintentionally." Olivia saw Cragen nod. "It's just…" She twisted the bottle in her hands again as she pressed her lips together, unable to define what the past few days had been like for her.
"Yeah." Cragen said. He pulled out his chair and sat down with a heavy sigh.
Olivia knew that Cragen understood the strain Elliot's departure and absence had caused her. He had pushed her to move forward, and at the time, she had hated him for it. But she knew he had her best interests at heart. He always had.
"I think that maybe it would be best if you took a few days off." Cragen said, flipping open a folder she assumed to be hers. She knew there had to be a penalty for the scene she had caused today, and that his suggestion was an order.
"How many?" Olivia asked.
"Three days without pay." He said sternly, looking down as he made a note in her jacket.
Olivia nodded. "Understood." She knew the conversation was over, and she turned towards the door. Before she could open it, Cragen spoke again.
"Liv."
She twisted around to look at him, her hand still on the door. "If you need more days, to get everything resolved, you have them coming."
Olivia heard the message loud and clear. Take the time you need to get things resolved with Elliot, because you can't bring it back into the squad room. She nodded. "Thanks, Cap'n."
Olivia closed the door behind her and hesitated a moment after leaving Cragen's office. She saw Nick, Fin and Munch look up at her expectedly. It wasn't unlike any other time any of them were called on the carpet. They wanted to know what had happened.
Olivia headed towards her desk and Nick's gaze followed her. She saw the bruise on Nick's face, swollen and starting to color, and she felt a stab of guilt.
"Well?"
"Two days." She said.
"That's bullshit." Nick started, but she put up a hand and he stopped.
"Seems like a fair trade for that bruise on your face." She said, motioning towards Nick.
"Shit happens all the time. Cap'n can't call you out on that." Fin said.
Olivia hated these her squad was defending her when guilt was eating away at her. "It was my fault. I let myself get distracted and people got hurt." She grabbed her notes off her desk and sorted through them quickly. She didn't see anything that couldn't wait, so she dropped them again and grabbed her purse and her keys.
"Liv." Fin called to her, and she could only imagine what he had to say.
"I have to get going." She saw Fin stand up and she let out a sigh. They were her team and she appreciated how they were trying to rally around her, support her. But everyone was just a little too close to the truth, and she knew each of them had an opinion about Elliot that she did not want to hear. Her mind was already filled with enough of her own conflicting opinions.
"If you need anything…" Nick said.
"I've got all of your numbers." Olivia said, finally escaping the squad room.
EOEOEOEO
Olivia tucked her legs beneath as she curled up on her couch. She pulled her throw off the back of the couch and covered herself with it, sinking back into the cushions. She felt mentally and emotionally exhausted and wasn't all that upset about having two days off to sort everything out. She had made a mistake in thinking work would be a welcome distraction.
Elliot was the distraction.
And he wasn't going anywhere.
She couldn't take back their chance meeting. She couldn't forget everything that he'd told her, or the evening they'd spent together. She wasn't going to be able to put the genie back into the bottle.
Her phone was sitting on the coffee table and she leaned over and grabbed at it, opening up her messages. The same two messages from Elliot were sitting there. He hadn't sent any more after that, despite her lack of response, and she appreciated his restraint.
It had never been his strong suit, but perhaps he'd changed over the past eighteen months as well.
Olivia hit REPLY but her fingers hovered over the keyboard.
There was so much to say, but the words wouldn't come.
This was the same thing she'd been pondering when she had missed their suspect.
Olivia closed the messaging app and opened the phone app instead. She held her finger over Elliot's number, wondering if she was making a mistake. She hit the button before she could talk herself out of it.
EOEOEOEOEO
Elliot pulled his phone out of his pocket, intent on silencing it. But to his surprise, he saw Olivia's name on the screen. He excused himself and stepped out of the line at the deli, motioning for his friend to go ahead without him.
"Hey." Elliot answered as he stepped outside and on to the sidewalk.
"It's Olivia."
"I still have your number in my phone." Elliot said. He knew it was a small thing, but he wanted her to know that he hadn't excised her completely from his life.
"Hmm."
Elliot realized that it had been a stupid thing to say. It just reminded her that he hadn't called. "It's good to hear from you." He said quickly. "I'm glad you called."
"Always the optimist."
"If you were never going to talk to me again, you wouldn't have called."
Olivia hated that he was right once again, and she almost regretted calling.
"Don't hang up." Elliot said, chastising himself when his comment was met with silence. "I've been hoping to hear from you."
"I just wanted to let you know that I got your messages." Olivia had thought it would be easier to talk on the phone than to message him, but she'd been wrong. "I just wanted to tell you that."
"Okay." Elliot could hear tension in her voice. "Are you okay?" He asked, suddenly concerned. "Did something happen?"
Olivia found that she wanted to tell him about her suspension, about how she'd messed up. Maybe that was why she had called him. But now that she had him on the line, she couldn't. He wasn't her partner anymore. It wasn't his job to listen to her problems, even if he was at the root of them. "I just wanted to let you know that I got your messages and I'm not sure…" She stopped. "I'm still trying to figure this all out."
Elliot felt a stab of disappointment, but he knew he had to be patient. "I understand." There was an awkward silence and he searched for something to say. "If you want to meet up again, just say the word. I'll come to you or meet you somewhere or…" He knew he sounded desperate, but it was okay, because he was. "Whatever you want."
"Thank you." Olivia said right before she disconnected the call.
EOEOEOEOEO
Elliot stood on the sidewalk staring at his phone for a few moments, wishing she would call him back or that he could call her back, but he knew neither would happen. He glanced back at the deli, but his appetite was gone. He had been the one to ask his friend Sam to meet him for lunch, but he wasn't in the mood right now. He ducked in and made his apologies, claiming an urgent matter, and headed back out.
As he walked, he tried to dissect the conversation. She had told him she still needed some time and space, but still, she had reached out. He knew that meant something. He just wasn't sure what. He'd like to think that since she had called, there was a chance for them. But there was a small part of him that worried that the more she avoided him, the easier it would be to dismiss him completely. It took everything in him to stay the course and go home when the only thing he could think of was going to the precinct.
He had to have faith.
EOEOEOEOEO
Elliot pushed his dinner around his plate, knowing he should eat but unable to stomach the food. He had been pacing around his apartment all afternoon, trying to distract himself with reading, television, cleaning up and laundry. None of them had taken his mind off of Olivia.
He tossed his fork down angrily and it clattered against the plate.
There was a part of him that wished he hadn't run into her again. He wouldn't be hurting like this.
Wanting.
Hoping.
He wondered what would happen if Olivia decided there was no place for him in her life. He wouldn't be able to bury himself in a series of meaningless dates again. Fake relationships, void of emotion.
He couldn't.
Elliot pushed himself out of his chair. He couldn't sit here any longer. He knew he had promised to give her space, but he needed to talk to her. He needed to tell her exactly what she meant to him. What he wanted. What he hoped for. If she was going to make a decision, she had to know.
He made his way to the entry and nabbed his keys from the small table. He reached for the door but was surprised when he heard a knock. He swung the door open, wondering who in the hell it could be, when he froze at the sight before him.
"Olivia."