A/N: Thanks for your reviews and sorry for the delay. Happy New Year!
Chapter 25
Johanna could feel the effects of last night's lack of sleep and abundance of worry as she made her way to her daughter's door that afternoon. She knocked; hoping that it wouldn't be a problem that she had dropped by without calling first. She usually always called first…but it slipped her mind until she had been on the elevator and then it seemed like it was too late for such formalities. She had called that morning before dragging herself out the door to work but hadn't mentioned that she might stop by in case she had felt too tired to run the errand she'd had in mind after work.
She had pushed through her weariness though and after work she had gone to Macys to buy Katie a few things…intent on making the trip to see her to ease her own mind and hopefully to ease her daughter's as well. Johanna worried her bottom lip as she knocked a second time. She hadn't gotten to talk to Katie that morning…Rick had answered and said she was asleep but he had assured her that she was fine. If something had changed, someone would've called…but she wouldn't feel better until she saw for herself. Once she was sure Katie and the baby were still fine and her gifts had been delivered, she could head home and maybe take a nap of her own before Jim came home.
Finally the door opened and her son-in-law appeared in front of her. "You look tired," he said as he met her gaze.
Johanna smirked at him. "You could've just said hello…but for the record; you don't look like the picture of a restful night's sleep yourself."
Castle nodded. "Forgive me; my brain isn't firing on all of its recommended cylinders."
"Neither is mine…I almost gave a test to the wrong class."
"How did they feel about that?"
"I caught myself before I announced it," Johanna replied. "I'm sorry I didn't call first before stopping by."
"It's fine," he said with a shake of his head.
"How is Katie?" Johanna asked; shifting on her feet as she remained in the hallway; feeling somewhat awkward since he hadn't allowed her inside.
"She's fine…there's been a little bit of morning sickness and then some slight panic over a twinge but we've gone over it and it's specific location and deemed it as stemming from her ribs. She's still very worried though."
"May I see her?" she inquired; "If she's up to it…just for a few minutes?"
"Yes, of course," Castle said, realizing that he'd left his mother-in-law standing in the hallway. "Come in, she's in the living room."
"I won't be long," Johanna said as she stepped across the threshold; her fingers wrapped tightly around the handles of her shopping bag and purse.
"You can stay as long as you want," he replied, pushing the door shut before heading for the living room, Johanna trailing behind him.
Kate's sleepy gaze darted toward her husband as he entered her line of vision. "You have company," he told her quietly.
"Who?" she asked.
"Just me," Johanna said quietly as she stepped into her view. "But I'm not going to stay long, I know you're tired."
Kate shook her head as she gingerly set up and curled into the corner of the couch to make room for her mother to sit down with her. "You don't need to hurry away. Sit down."
"I'll leave you ladies to visit," Castle said as he stepped away from the sofa. "I have to call my publisher about pushing back tomorrow's meeting. Yell if you need anything."
"We'll be fine," Kate assured as her mother settled down next to her.
Johanna waited until her son-in-law was out of sight before she reached out and brushed a wayward stray of her daughter's hair back from her face. "How are you feeling, sweetheart?"
Kate sighed softly. "Tired…stupid…worried…a million different things rolled into one."
"I'm not surprised that you're tired…not just because of last night but because pregnancy is draining," Johanna replied. "So we'll chalk that up to being a normal, acceptable symptom."
"Did you go to work?" she asked, noting her mother's black dress pants and pink silk blouse and black blazer that were visible under her unbuttoned dress coat.
"I did," Johanna said with a nod. "I'm not sure it was my most successful day in front of the classroom but I got through it."
Kate gave her a small smile. "You probably didn't get much sleep either."
Her mother shook her head. "No; but that's part of being a mother…and a grandmother in waiting. It's not the first time I've gone to work on little sleep…it probably won't be the last time either."
"It's my fault though," Kate remarked.
Her mother gave her a smile. "It usually is…been that way for over thirty years now."
She gave a soft laugh. "Thanks a lot; just blame it all on me."
"Well who else is there to blame?"
"Blame your wild sex life; I'm sure that's kept you up plenty of nights," she quipped.
Johanna smirked at her. "That's different; that leaves me feeling energized…worry makes me tired."
"If that's the story you want to stick too," Kate said softly, lightness creeping into her tone.
"That's the one I'm sticking to," her mother stated. "But now that we've dealt with the issue of tiredness; let's move on to this nonsense of feeling stupid. What's that all about?"
Kate's gaze dipped to the soft gray blanket that was covering her and she clutched it tightly. "I feel stupid because I took a risk that could've killed my child."
"Katie; it was an accident," Johanna said, taking her hand. "You didn't purposely throw yourself down a set of stairs. You weren't looking for an opportunity to get hurt. You weren't trying to purposely hurt your child. Accidents happen…and as we talked about last night; it could've happened at any time or place…not just on the job."
"I know, but I feel stupid anyway…because it was on the job…and while I didn't think anything would happen and that I'm always careful…I should've known better. We had just talked about that…and I was so sure I could keep anything from happening because I knew I had been wearing my vest ever since I found out I was pregnant…even for things that seemed routine, I'd put it on under my jacket so no one would know I had it on…so I fooled myself into thinking I was taking care of things. I gave myself false security."
"I wouldn't call it false security," Johanna replied; "I think it's good that you've started wearing it for even routine sounding things; it helps keep you safe and it is extra protection for the baby. The doctor even said last night that having your vest on helped keep the baby from feeling the impact like she might have if you hadn't been wearing it…so see, you were trying to protect her…and it did protect her, Katie. You gave her extra padding and it helped. I can't tell you not to blame yourself for what happened…because you're going to do it anyway…even though no one else is blaming you because we all know it was an accident. But instead of calling yourself stupid or foolish; why not just consider it a lesson learned the hard way? Let's just say it taught you to remember that you can't control everything the way you sometimes think you can," she said, giving her hand a soft squeeze. "That's a trait you get from your father you know? He has those battles of thinking he can control something by telling himself that if he just does certain things he has complete control over any scenario…and sometimes it backfires on him."
"I know," Kate murmured.
"It usually serves as a reset button for him," her mother told her; "Perhaps it can be the same for you. You've had a scare and it's grounded you again…you can move on from there. You're always going to feel a little bit of guilt because it happened, Katie; no one can take that away, although I would if I could because I don't want you to feel guilty or blame yourself over an accident that you had no control over…but, honey; feeling guilty about something that involves your child is part of being a mother…welcome to your first taste of mom guilt."
Tears pricked her eyes. "How do you get through mom guilt?" she asked.
Johanna breathed deeply. "It's not so much getting through it…it's learning to accept it and learning whatever lesson was taught from it. It also helps to acknowledge it while knowing that you were doing the best you could…and that accidents and mistakes happen; but none of them changes how much love you have for your baby. This won't be your last taste of mom guilt…God knows I could probably fill a book of my own guilt over various things for the course of your life so far…but, Katie, you learn from it…and you learn to carry it and not drown under it. It's just part of the journey…a painful one but a part of it none the less."
Kate squeezed her hand in return. "So it's something I just have to get used to?"
"Pretty much…and it doesn't happen constantly…and when it does happen, yes, it takes time to fade and you never really forget it, but you get past it. You just have to accept that things don't always go the way you want them to…but again, you get that control thing from your father…who got it from his mother…so you know, you've got a genetic issue there…and I've given you two people to blame it on so that you can always make yourself feel better about it," Johanna said with a grin.
She laughed softly. "That does help."
"Of course it does," her mother replied. "It's always good to know which part of the gene pool to blame. So no more feeling stupid, okay? You didn't plan this; you didn't want it to happen. It was an accident…you're both okay and that's what matters. Don't let it drown you, Katie. It's not good for you or the baby if you let it keep you down. Give yourself another day or so…and then do your best to let it go, okay?"
"Sounds easier said than done."
"Oh it is," Johanna said; "Believe it is…but if I've been able to do it with certain things than I know you can too."
"I'll do my best," Kate promised.
"That's all I've ever asked of you."
"That and grandchildren," her daughter remarked.
Johanna smiled. "Yes; and you've finally gotten with the program on the second thing, so see you're coming along nicely despite the mistakes of your parents along the way."
Kate grinned. "So glad I could finally accommodate you."
"So am I. Now we've covered the second thing on your list; let's move on to worried."
"You know what I'm worried about…I'm worried about the baby."
Johanna nodded. "I know…have you had any pain?"
"Only in my ribs…but then I can't help worrying that maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's something worse."
"Is the pain in the area of your ribs?"
"Yes."
"Then it's nothing baby related. Have you had any bleeding?"
"No…but I can't say that I don't hold my breath every time I go to the bathroom," Kate murmured. "There hasn't been anything…but I worry about that changing."
"I don't believe it's going to change, Katie. I truly believe that if your fall had caused any harm to the baby; you'd be aware of it by now. Any morning sickness?" she asked despite Rick mentioning that there had been.
"Yeah; some this morning…not much though."
"That's probably best for your ribs…and don't worry about it not being a lot; you probably haven't had much on your stomach with everything that went on last night. Did you have any breakfast?"
"I ate some dry cereal…it seems like I do better with that than other breakfast foods at the moment."
"Anything for lunch?"
"A salad and some crackers."
Johanna nodded. "I know you probably don't really feel up to it but try to have a full dinner…you've eaten light today so far, you need something more substantial later to keep up your strength."
"I will," Kate replied; "But you know, if you really loved me, you'd make a pan of your lasagna one day this week while I'm off."
Her mother smirked at her in amusement. "I'll have you a pan of lasagna by the end of the weekend. You really are on an Italian food kick, aren't you?"
"I am," she agreed. "This baby must be dipping heavily into our Italian side."
"She must be," Johanna said. "I'm sure your grandmother and great grandmother are sitting up there in heaven thrilled with the idea."
Kate squeezed her mother's hand; she had never been overly religious…she had of course gone to church for holidays and special occasions when she was a child with her mother and grandmother; she believed in God and despite sometimes being cynical, she did like to cling to the teaching that her loved ones who had passed on watched over them from above. "Do you think Grandma and Nona are watching over the baby?" she murmured.
"Of course they are," her mother said without hesitation. "They're watching over all of us but they'll keep a special eye on the baby; no doubt about that…and I wouldn't count out Elizabeth Beckett either. You were her favorite…and I'm sure she's got an eye on things too. So don't you worry; she's got plenty of people up there watching over her."
"I hope so."
"She does, trust me. Everything is going to be fine."
Tears pricked Kate's eyes. "I want to believe that; but that one stupid part of my brain won't shut up. It keeps telling me that there's a chance it won't be."
"We all have that side of our brain, Katie; but listen to me…it's going to be fine. If I didn't think so I wouldn't have gotten you these," she said, reluctantly pulling her hand away from her daughter's as she reached for the bag she had sat down before taking her seat beside Kate.
"What is it?" her daughter asked.
"Last night you mentioned your jeans are too tight…and I know you're not going to be up for going shopping for awhile due to your injuries so I thought I'd get you a few things to tide you over," Johanna said as she began lifting clothes from the bag. "Now before we start, I know you like to make fun of my love of jeggings; which I can't understand because they're perfect and look exactly the same as other jeans, but I bought you some anyway…and before you say a word, hear me out first."
"I didn't say anything," Kate replied.
"You were going to," Johanna remarked as she unfolded a pair of dark wash jeggings. "If you'll let yourself try these you'll find they're much more comfortable than regular jeans…and in your particular case, they're going to be nice for you because they have some stretch to the material…and no buttons, snaps or zippers pressing against your stomach and making you uncomfortable. So I'd really like you to try these…I got you this dark wash color and a pair in black. Just in case you don't somehow fall in love with these perfectly comfortable jeans; I also bought you two pair of regular jeans, I just sized up for you," she said showing her the other two pairs of jeans.
"Mom, you didn't have to buy me clothes," she said, reaching for the items to look at them.
"It's not big deal," her mother stated. "I got you some tops too; I know you didn't mention your shirts but I got you a few that are made to be a little looser but still professional enough for work," she said, showing Kate two soft sweaters and two other tops that were made of a somewhat flowy material that would disguise a soon to be small baby bump. "If you don't like them, I can take them back."
"No," Kate said with a shake of her head. "I like them; especially this sweater," she said, reaching for the pale pink sweater that was made of the softest material.
"I'm glad you like it," Johanna replied. "I admit I debated on that one…I wasn't sure you'd like it because I know you don't wear lighter shades of pink much…but I think you look beautiful in pale pink."
"I love it; thank you," she told her sincerely.
"I also got you these," her mother told her, lifting a shoe box from the bag. "I know it's not time yet but the day you give up your heels will before here before you can blink and I thought I'd go ahead and get you started on a collection of flats," she explained as she lifted the lid off and revealed a pair of black ballet flats that had silver studs decorating them, giving them the hint of an edge that she thought might appeal to her daughter. "These seemed like your style…but if not, I can exchange them, no hard feelings."
Kate lifted the shoe from the box and gingerly slipped it onto her foot; admiring it as she held her foot out. "I hate the thought of giving up my heels…but these are cute for flats."
"I thought so too; you're not just humoring me though, are you?"
"No," she laughed as she took it off and placed it back in the box. "I do like them…and while I'll need more, at least I have a pair to get me started. Now I'm going to put you out of your misery and try on these jeggings you swear by."
"Are you sure you're up to it?" Johanna asked. "It can wait."
"I have to go get up anyway, I need to go to the bathroom…again," Kate replied as she carefully rose from the sofa with the pair of dark wash jeggings in her hand.
"Just consider it another good sign," her mother told her. "Wait until you're in the third trimester, it'll feel even more frequent then."
"That's comforting," Kate said, a touch of sarcasm in her tone before she disappeared from her view.
Johanna smiled a little and then reached into her purse for her phone that she heard chiming with a new text message. "Are you still with Katie? Is she doing alright?" her husband had written.
"Yes; I'm still with her. She's still feeling nervous but otherwise fine."
"Good; hopefully after a day or two she'll be able to relax about the baby. When does she go back to the doctor?"
"I don't know; I haven't asked yet. I will though."
"Alright, sweetheart; I have to get back to the meeting. Let me know when you get home and tell Katie I love her."
"I will, I promise."
Johanna tucked her phone back into her purse and shifted in her seat a little as she waited for her daughter to come back; she didn't like to linger long in her child's home…she didn't like feeling that way but couldn't seem to help it as she glanced at her watch. She knew it was mostly because she and Rick didn't get a long all that well…and she and Martha didn't seem to mesh as well as they had when they had first met…and of course there had been that whole ordeal with Alexis. She sighed softly…perhaps most of all it was because it didn't quite feel like a home that belonged to her daughter. Rick had already lived here with his family…he had lived here with other wives…and there was no evidence of Katie putting her touch on the loft to brand it as her home as well.
She pondered that idea for a long moment; thinking about over the course of her own marriage. When she and Jim had gotten married; he had moved into her apartment with her because it was closer to work. She felt that they had done well at combining households…but Robert and Elizabeth hadn't visited often despite invitations to dinner at times. It hadn't surprised her though; Elizabeth wasn't a fan of hers back then…and there was no garage for Robert and Jim to disappear into to talk about whatever it was they always talked about in the garage. When they had bought their own home, it seemed like her in-laws were more comfortable visiting there…but of course at the house, there was a garage…and Jim and his father usually found their way to it; leaving her and Elizabeth and baby Katie in the house. Her mother-in-law had seemed more at ease in the house…and looking back she couldn't help but wonder if it was because it hadn't been her place before Jim moved into it.
Maybe she was more like Elizabeth than she had thought…maybe that was another reason why she wasn't comfortable under this roof…it didn't really feel like it belonged to Katie. These walls were full of someone else's history…a home to other wives…a home that didn't hold her daughter's touch yet. She sighed softly; perhaps that was the other piece of the puzzle…not that she could ever say so. Her son-in-law would accuse her of saying that he should sell his home and she wasn't suggesting that at all…but she did wish Katie would put her mark on it so that it would look like a home that belonged to her too; not just her husband.
"Okay, I take back everything I said about these," Kate said, pulling her mother from her thoughts as she returned to the room clad in the jeggings she had taken to try on. "These are comfortable."
Johanna smiled. "I told you so."
Her daughter smirked at her. "Just had to do it, didn't you?"
"Yes; you opened the door to it," she replied. "You like them though, honestly?"
"Yeah; I do," Kate said with a nod. "The material is nice; they do look the same as other jeans…and I can breathe again."
"That's always a plus," Johanna agreed. "I think they'll last you for a little while; baby wise that is; they'll stretch so as you start to grow they should accommodate you for awhile…and when they don't; we'll just get you more or you'll have to move on to maternity pants."
Kate nodded. "I'm going to get a few more pairs of these for the time being…and I can wear them again after the baby comes."
"I'm glad you like them," her mother told her. "They look nice on you."
Kate smiled a little as she looked down at them, her hand rubbing against the material at her hip. "They are nice…thank you."
"No problem," her mother replied. "That's what I'm here for."
Her daughter moved toward the sofa; scooping up the clothes her mother had bought her. "I'm going to put these in the bedroom and change back into my pajama pants for now; I'll be back."
"I'll be here."
"I hope so…I know you're probably itching to go."
"What makes you say that?" Johanna asked.
Her daughter gave her a small smile. "I know you," she whispered; "I know you're not comfortable here."
"I'm here," Johanna stated. "That's all that matters."
Kate gave her an indulgent look before she turned and headed for the bedroom once more, leaving Johanna alone with her thoughts again. She raked a hand through her dark hair; looking around the room once again. There was definitely a lack of her daughter's touch…if she had brought anything with her from her apartment it must be tucked away in some unknown corner. Katie needed to put her mark on the place…wipe away some of that past history that lived in those walls that she hadn't been a part of. She needed to make it her history…her home for the family she was creating. Where were her favorite things? Where were the wedding gifts? She and Jim had had dinner there a few times…but they had yet to see the dishes they had bought them for a wedding gift…and there was no china cabinet so they weren't being kept to be put on display as she had done with the china she had inherited from Elizabeth Beckett.
"What are you thinking about?" Kate asked as she came back into the room.
Johanna shook her head. "Nothing."
"Looked like you were thinking awful hard about something that's nothing."
"It was nothing."
"That always means something…so tell me…maybe it'll keep me from dwelling for five minutes," Kate replied.
"I was just looking around," Johanna said as she shifted awkwardly. "I don't see anything from your apartment. I always liked those little throw pillows you had on your couch at the apartment; they'd be just as nice on this couch."
"They're still packed in a box upstairs," she admitted. "You can have them if you want them."
"No," her mother said with a shake of her head. "You should use them…make it your space too."
Kate settled back into her place on the sofa; pulling her soft grey blanket back around her. "What do you mean?"
"I mean…put your mark on your home…that's what wives do…they put their mark on the home their family lives in."
"I don't know if Castle is all that big on my stuff," she said quietly. "When I was packing up my kitchen he wanted to throw away Grandma's skillet…that one I grabbed out of the box when you packed up her kitchen…because it was the one she always used to cook me scrambled eggs in."
Johanna closed her eyes. "Tell me you didn't let him throw it away."
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I have it…but most of my stuff is still upstairs in one of the closets. I haven't bothered with it…I guess it didn't seem necessary since he already has everything here."
"Maybe you should pick out a few of your favorite things and sprinkle them around," Johanna suggested; "You know; just so it feels like your home too because it has your mark on it."
Kate studied her mother for a moment. "You don't think it's my home now?"
Johanna sighed deeply; why had she gone done this line of conversation? Hadn't she told herself that she could never say anything about it? "Of course it's your home," she replied. "I know that…it's just that I don't see any of your things…I don't see any little touches that you've brought to your home to make it clear that you are…"
"Don't say the lady of the house," Kate said, cringing a little. "I hate that term."
"You might not like the words but it's what you are," her mother replied. "But I have been told that I'm old fashioned so let's just forget this topic, okay? It was just an idea to think about…you know, using some of your things to make it a better blend of his and yours. I didn't mean anything by it though; your home is perfectly nice as it is and you're right, it doesn't need anything. As long as you're happy that's all that matters; not antiquated notions of mine."
"Mom; you're rambling."
"I know…I should go," Johanna said as she reached for her purse. "You need to get some rest and I need…to go."
"No," Kate said; grabbing her hand and tugging her back down onto the sofa. "You don't need to run off just because you think you said something wrong. I didn't get mad about what you said, did I?"
"I don't know; that's why I'm trying to leave…if you did, I won't have to know and if you're not mad yet, I can go before I go further without meaning to and you do end up mad."
"I'm not mad…I understand what you were saying…and maybe since I'm going to have some time off; it's something I can think about."
"Do us both a favor and don't tell your husband I said anything. In fact, forget I said anything at all. I'm just tired; I'm just talking out of my head. Ignore me."
"Mom; you didn't say anything for me to be offended by. You're fine…relax."
It wasn't easy for her to relax there, Johanna thought to herself as she raked her fingers through her hair once more. Sometimes it was still hard to be relaxed enough to make certain comments without fearing that she might anger her child…or her son-in-law…or anyone in daughter's world when you got down to it.
"Did Dad go to work?" Kate asked; figuring a change of topic was needed so that her mother would relax once more.
"Yeah; he went. He just texted me while you were trying on your clothes. He wanted to check in and make sure you were still feeling okay and told me to tell you that he loves you."
Kate nodded. "He texted me this morning but I didn't get to answer him right away…Gates stopped by."
Johanna's brow rose. "The Captain made a house call?"
She nodded once more. "Wasn't exactly the house call I wanted."
"I'm sure it wasn't…shouldn't she have just called?"
"She was on her way to meetings and said she thought she'd just stop in to talk to me in person since it was on her way."
Johanna studied her daughter. "So how did it go?"
Kate shifted a little in her seat. "She's angry that I didn't inform her of my pregnancy."
"What excuse did you give her for that?"
"I told her I hadn't told her because it's still the first trimester and I wasn't ready for everyone to know yet."
"What did she say to that?"
"She said she's not everyone and should've been informed…that I keep trying to bend the rule book to suit me and one day I'm going to go too far and she's not going to have any choice but to throw the book at me."
Johanna grimaced a little. "Is today the day?"
Kate shook her head. "She did a lot of lecturing and said she would be within her right to suspend me but she wasn't going to…she said having to worry about what might have happened to the baby is punishment enough in her mind. She then lectured about pregnancy protocol."
"Does that mean you're now on desk duty?"
"Not exactly…but I am under certain restrictions for the next few weeks."
"What kind of restrictions."
"When an arrest needs to be made; Ryan and Esposito will have to handle it. I'm not to be a part of the arrest…even if it looks like it won't be a volatile situation. I can't go interview anyone on my own…which usually I don't because Castle is always with me but sometimes I do go on my own when he's busy with his own work. She'll be monitoring my hours…no more staying late into the evening; I'm going to be on a stricter schedule for awhile."
"You say these restrictions are in place for the next few weeks…what happens after those few weeks?"
Kate sighed a little. "I'll be on desk duty by the first of the year…possibly sooner, depending on when it starts to show."
Johanna gave her a sympathetic smile. "You'll definitely be showing by the new year."
"I know."
"Are you going to be okay with these restrictions and then going on complete desk duty?"
"I don't have much choice," Kate replied; "But I know it's for the best. I don't want to hurt her again."
"You didn't hurt her, Katie," Johanna soothed.
"I could have," she whispered; "And I can't forget that."
"It'll be easier to deal with as some time passes from the incident," her mother replied.
"I'd feel better if I could feel her move…when am I going to feel her move?"
"Probably sometime next month," Johanna replied.
"When did you feel me move?"
"Oh you were stubborn and had me worried," her mother replied. "I was a little over four and a half months when you finally made your presence known. I was getting so upset…but your father talked to you that night; he called you lazy and told you to get with the program and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling you moving around."
Kate gave her an amused smile. "So I've got a little while to wait."
"Maybe; maybe not. Every pregnancy is different. That's part of why I was getting upset that I hadn't felt you…everyone I knew said they felt those first flutters shortly after they got into the fourth month…and there I was, getting closer to the fifth month, showing and yet you weren't moving…at least not that I could tell. It might be different for you though; you might feel your baby move at any time once you get into your second trimester…so we'll just say sometime next month…might be before Christmas…might not be until New Year's but the moment is coming, sweetheart; don't worry. She'll be kicking you before you know it."
"I'd feel better if the moment was now."
"I know you would…but then she'd nap and you wouldn't feel her for awhile and you'd worry all over again," Johanna replied. "Been there done that."
"So I still worried you even after I moved?"
Her mother nodded. "One day I got up and you were moving around a good bit but then seemed to settle down as I got to work. I was in court that day…and a little relieved that you had settled on the ride to the courthouse…but as the day wore on, I wasn't feeling you move and I was trying not to panic…it had been hours and I was desperate to get out of the courtroom so I could call someone…who, I wasn't sure; my mother, the doctor, anyone to tell me what might be wrong but court just kept dragging on. The judge was a little mad about how the other attorney was behaving so she smacked the gavel with a little more force than she meant to…and you kicked the hell out of me."
Kate laughed. "I guess I didn't like the noise."
"I think the case bored you to sleep and she woke you up when she used the damn gavel," Johanna said with a laugh. "I was glad though…I relaxed then…and you kicked the rest of the time I was there as if to let me know that you weren't happy to have your nap disturbed."
She smiled. "At least you felt better though."
"True…but don't worry; you're going to feel better soon too. When do you go back to the doctor?"
"I called this morning for my appointment; with this being Friday I'm going to have to wait until Monday morning for my re-check," Kate remarked; a note of disappointment in her tone. "I'm not happy about having to wait that long but there's nothing I can do about it."
"No; office hours are out of your hands," Johanna agreed; "But if you'd feel something was wrong, go back to the hospital."
"When I talked to the doctor this morning she asked questions and said she believes everything will be fine but if anything changes, go to the hospital and call her on the way and she'll meet us there. I just wish I could've gotten checked tomorrow…it's going to be a long weekend."
"I know; but you'll get through it. Just try to stay calm; you don't want to get yourself worked up, Katie; that won't be good for either one of you. If you start getting upset, you call me and we'll talk it through like we did last night…I don't care what time it is, you call, okay?"
"I promise," Kate told her.
"I should go and let you get some rest," Johanna told her, patting her hand.
"Don't go yet," her daughter implored. "Stay and watch Temptation Lane with me…Castle has business calls to take care of and if you leave, I'll just end up dwelling on things again."
She was tired and had hoped to go home and take a nap but she couldn't say no to her daughter; especially when she was upset and worried. "Alright, sweetheart; if you're sure you want me to," she replied.
"I'm positive…besides; Temptation Lane is always our sick day thing," Kate remarked.
"That's true; tradition as to be observed," Johanna said as she slipped her feet out of her shoes. "If you get sleepy, go to sleep; I won't be offended."
"Same goes for you."
Johanna laughed. "I'm fine."
"You're tired."
"I am; but I'll be fine. If I napped now I'd probably be up half the night," she lied. "I'll make it through the episode."
"If you can make it, so can I," Kate replied as she picked up the remote.
Johanna leaned back against the sofa, making herself comfortable...she hoped they both made it through the episode; she didn't want to have to call Jim to come pick her up because a nap had made her too drowsy to get back home.
Awhile later after they had finished their episode of Temptation Lane and had watched a few sitcom reruns, Johanna's phone chimed with a message and she fished it from her bag to check it. "That's your father," she said as she read the message; "He's heading home so I better get going too. We're going to order something for dinner."
Kate gingerly rose from the sofa as her mother slipped her shoes back on and then reached for her coat that was abandoned on the arm of the couch. "I'm glad you came over."
"I am too; I always feel better when we've had some time together," Johanna replied. "Are you still feeling alright?"
"Yeah; I feel okay," she answered.
"Good; but call me if you need me…even if it's just to talk in the middle of the night."
"I will; I promise," Kate said as they moved to the door.
"Are you leaving?" Castle asked as he entered the room.
"Yes," Johanna answered; "Jim's on his way home and I need to get there too."
"Did you girls have a nice visit?" he asked.
"Yes," Kate replied. "Did you get all of your calls taken care of?"
"I did…also managed to get a chapter written while you two indulged in your soap opera," he quipped.
"Good," Johanna said; "You keep those books coming; my grandchild needs a good college fund…prices go up every year you know."
"You don't have to worry, Johanna; your grandchild will be able to go to any college it wants."
"Let's aim for Columbia," she stated.
"Sounds good to me," he remarked; "It's close by."
"Let's get the baby to kindergarten before we worry about college," Kate replied as she moved closer to her mother to hug her. "Let me know you got home alright."
"I will," Johanna promised. "I love you."
"I love you too…tell Dad I love him too."
"I'll give him the message. Rick, make sure she eats a good dinner; she's ate light today."
"I'll take care of it," he assured. "A good dinner and then more resting."
Johanna nodded. "Sounds good. Let me know if you need anything."
"We will," he promised. "I'll walk you out."
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "Stay with Katie. I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive," she answered as she opened the door. "I'll see you both later."
"See you later," Kate told her. "Don't forget to let me know you got home."
"I won't, I promise," Johanna said as she slipped across the threshold and headed for the elevator.
Kate closed the door and turned toward her husband, settling into his arms for a moment. "You feel some better?" he asked.
"A little."
"Good…that's why I stayed in the office after my calls…you sounded relaxed and occupied so I just wanted to let you have some time with her since it seemed to be helping. I don't want you to think I was ignoring you."
"I don't…I figured you were just letting us visit," she assured.
"You ready for dinner?" Castle asked. "I promised to make sure you ate a good meal."
"I am ready," Kate answered; "I just don't know if the baby will let it all stay down but I'm definitely ready."
"We'll hope for the best," he replied; hoping that her relaxed nature would last for the evening, keeping her at ease so that they both could get a good night's rest.
Kate flinched, her sleepy eyes opening as her husband brushed a kiss against her lips. Castle smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," he murmured. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's okay," she said softly. "I feel stupid being in bed this early anyway."
"It's not stupid," Castle assured; "You're tired…you didn't get much sleep last night and every time you did doze off I had to wake you to make sure you didn't show any signs of a concussion. I don't blame you for needing to be in bed early…believe me, I'm in here because I'm going to be joining you. I'm tired too."
"I know you are…I'm sorry."
He shook his head. "You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"I know we talked about it last night but I still feel bad about the last few days," Kate whispered; her fingers curling around her wrist.
"I told you I understand…you can't help that your hormones make you snap a little."
"I know…but this all started because I got mad at Mom for bringing up the risk I'd be taking if I stayed in the field too long…and you mentioned how I kept brushing you off about the topic…and in hindsight, I realize I was doing that because I didn't want to hear you say the same things she ended up telling me. You know I like to think I have some measure of control over everything."
Castle smiled, brushing a lock of her hair back from her forehead. "I know…it's not exactly a hidden trait of yours."
She gave a soft laugh. "Yeah, I know…my mother mentioned it today."
"Did she mention who you get it from?"
"My Dad…who got it from his mother," Kate replied.
"I would've thought you got it from your mother."
She shook her head. "Her bullheadedness yes, but the control thing…that's definitely my Dad…all you have to do is think about when Mom first came home to realize that."
Castle pondered that for a moment and then nodded. "Okay, I can see that looking back. I wonder what our baby is going to get from us?"
Kate scoffed. "Well Mom has continued the family tradition of cursing me to have a daughter just like me or worse so…prepare yourself accordingly."
"Just when I was hoping to sleep easy tonight," he quipped.
She smiled. "Now you have a new nightmare to have."
"True…but you know…there's my gene pool to consider too so we could be in so much more trouble than you've even imagined."
"Thanks for that comforting thought," she replied.
"How do you think I feel? I might've just made my nightmares worse."
"That will teach you to go looking for more flaws in the gene pool."
"Lesson learned," Castle said with a nod. "We'll just hope for the best like all parents."
"True…but I am sorry, you know?"
"I know," he assured; "And I get why you were giving the brush off about the topic of your job. It's so much a part of you that it scares you to have to step back."
"It does," she admitted. "I don't want it to be that way…but it does scare me in some ways."
"It's okay to feel that way…it's all you had for a long time…but now you'll have something so much better," Castle said, his hand moving to her stomach. "I know it worries you about having to step back…but you're still going to be the same person, Kate."
"Everything's changing so fast," she said softly; "And I'm excited and happy…but scared too."
"That's normal," he assured; "And I feel it too…things are changing quickly…and maybe it makes me act in ways I shouldn't sometimes. You're dad mentioned that to me last night…that I'm trying to push things along when I just need to let them happen on their own in their own time…and maybe I've been a little pushy with you because of that feeling of everything changing quickly. Maybe I didn't realize that…but I'm going to try to do better."
"I wondered what you and my dad were talking about out there in the waiting room while I had an emotional breakdown on my mother," Kate admitted.
He gave her a smile. "She seemed like the best person for the job of your breakdown last night."
"She was…but I still wondered when I'd think of you being out there."
"We just talked about the current situation…and he told me about that pushy thing of mine…and he shared a few stories of his own dealings with a pregnant wife. I'm surprised he's still around to tell the stories after some of the faux pas he mentioned," Castle said lightly.
"She's too crazy about him to kill him," Kate said with a soft laugh. "But I'm sure he's tempted her once or twice. She told me some stories too."
"How do you think we're doing compared to their stories?"
"I think we're right on track," she admitted. "We're just as bad as they were."
"Good to know…I wouldn't want us to be behind."
"I don't think we have to worry."
His gaze traveled to the new clothes laying on top of the dresser that she hadn't put away yet. "Your mom brought you clothes," he remarked; thinking about how they hadn't really gotten to discuss it between his business calls and her bouts of morning sickness.
Kate nodded. "A few things to tide me over until I can go shopping…I'm outgrowing my jeans already."
Castle smiled; his hand patting her stomach gently. "That's good news."
"Yes; for the baby…bad news for my closet," she said lightly. "When I mentioned it to her last night when I was struggling to get back into my jeans, I didn't expect her to go out shopping for me today."
"She's your mom…she likes to take care of you."
"I know…but she's tired too."
He nodded. "That was easy to see…and I mistakenly mentioned it."
"Did she hit you with her purse?"
"No; she told me I could've just said hello."
"See, she really is tired…if she hadn't been, she would've hit you with her purse…and she's got that gun in there; it would've hurt."
"Speaking of that…do you think she'll lock it up once the baby is here?"
"I'm sure she'll keep it somewhere secure once the baby is here," Kate assured; "But it might be a little hard for her to let go of it…it's a bit of a security blanket for her. She's never had to use it, thank God; but it does make her feel secure."
"I probably shouldn't bring it up at lunch, should I?"
Kate shook her head. "No…at least not now. If it needs brought up, we'll do it after the baby is here and she's in her grandma haze…it'll be easier then…she'll give up anything if she's distracted just right...that's how I got a lot of my movie money as a teenager…just waiting until she was working on something or deeply invested in a show."
"Oh yeah?" he laughed.
She nodded. "Yes; and if she was really into whatever it was that had her focus, she'd just wave her hand saying 'just go get it out of my purse, Katie.' So if we wait until she's holding the baby and all gooey over it, I can bring it up and she'll tell me to just get it out of her purse and all will be well."
"Good plan, I like it…but what if it doesn't work."
"I make Dad do it," she replied.
"Perfect," he said with a nod. "Plan A and Plan B."
"Yeah; the two things she can't resist…a baby and my father."
"We just can't bring up the topic until the baby is here."
Kate held his eye. "Keep reminding yourself of that…because now is not the time."
"Word of honor," he promised. "And just so you know I'm thinking ahead; I'm going to have a gun safe put in the wall in here in our bedroom for your gun. You and I will be the only ones with the combination. I know it's early to be thinking of these things but I want to make sure everything is safe and taken care of in that respect…not that you're careless with your weapon, I know you're not; I just…"
"I know, Castle," she quickly assured; "And I'm all for the idea of having that safe put in here…do it before the baby is born so I can get used to putting it in there, okay?"
"Yeah; I'll do some research to find the best one and we'll get it put in in the next few weeks if you're okay with that."
"I am," she said, rubbing her hand against her stomach. "I just wish I didn't have to wait so long to go back to the doctor…we're making all these plans for the baby and I'm still worried that I've hurt her and we're making plans for nothing."
"No," he replied with a shake of his head. "Don't think like that. Everything is fine and it's going to stay that way. I know you'll feel better once you go to the doctor but it's going to be fine, I promise."
"That's what my mother keeps telling me."
"Well, we both can't be wrong, can we?" he asked.
She smiled a little. "I hope not."
"We're not…you know your mother and I don't agree on a lot of things but we agree on this one so it has to make it true."
"You won't take it personally if I end up calling her a hundred times to confirm that, will you?" Kate asked.
"No; if it makes you feel better; you call and make her confirm it as much as you like…she's probably on stand by waiting to reassure you."
"Hopefully she gets some sleep before I need her to reassure me again."
"I'm sure your dad will make sure that she gets her rest," Castle said before kissing her once more; "And now as your husband, I insist that you go back to sleep and get your rest…dream about the baby and don't worry for a little while; okay."
Kate nodded. "You're coming to bed too?"
"Yes; I might read a little before going to sleep but I'll be joining you after I get my shower."
"Alright," she murmured. "I love you."
"I love you too, Kate," he replied before dipping his head and kissing her stomach. "And I love you, jellybean."
She gave him a smile as he pulled the covers up over her before he headed to the bathroom. She hoped he and her mother were right…that everything would stay fine but it would be a long weekend waiting for the confirmation.
The ring of the phone early that evening startled Johanna awake, making her begin to fall off the sofa as she hurried to reach for the device on the coffee table.
"Careful, sweetheart," Jim's sleep tinged voice said as his arm came around her, pulling her back into place before she could tumble to the floor.
Johanna got her hand around the phone, frowning as she brought it closer. "This isn't even my phone, it's yours," she muttered, handing it to her husband.
Jim checked the number on the screen. "I don't know anyone in Texas so I'm going to assume scam and decline," he said as his thumb hit the icon, silencing the phone.
Johanna breathed deeply, curling back into his side. "What time is it?"
He raised his phone once more to glance at the screen. "Seven-thirty."
His wife groaned. "Is that all? I was sure it had to be the middle of the night."
Jim gave a soft laugh. "I thought you'd be more surprised that we were both asleep on the couch at this time in the evening."
"Normally I would be but since we barely got any sleep last night and went on to work today I'm not surprised. Can you reach the blanket, I'm cold," she said.
He brushed a kiss against her temple. "Why don't we just go on upstairs for the night and you can get under the covers?"
"Should we really be going to bed at seven-thirty? We didn't suddenly get old because we got promoted to grandparents, did we?"
"No; we're just sleep deprived and running low on energy today. We had a light breakfast…I only had a sandwich for lunch; knowing you, you probably had no lunch and we ordered a pizza for dinner so we're probably just low on fuel, sweetheart. We haven't given in to being old…I'd prove it to you but…I'm too tired tonight and you've already almost fell off the couch so I'll prove it to you tomorrow."
She pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. "Okay, I'm going to hold you to that…and tomorrow I'll feed you properly."
"See, we'll be back on track tomorrow. Come on; let's go upstairs; then if we fall asleep again we're already in bed…and you'll have more room and less risk of falling if something startles you again."
"Damn phone," Johanna muttered. "I was afraid it was Katie…that something was wrong."
"I know, sweetheart. She was alright when you talked to her a little while ago though."
"I just worry," she sighed.
"Me too."
Emotion surged forward before she could stop it; her eyes welling with tears that spilled down her cheeks before she could blink them away.
"Hey," Jim murmured, hearing a sniffle as a tear leaked through the material of his shirt. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know," she admitted. "I guess I'm just worried…and last night I was scared…and maybe I'm still a little scared. I already love that baby and I can't stand the thought that…"
"Shhh," he murmured as he sat up, pulling her with him so he could enfold her in his arms. "Nothing's going to happen to the baby."
"Katie would never forgive herself," she cried; "She wouldn't be able to handle it…and I'd feel just as guilty as she would because I was the one who brought up how she could get hurt at work if she stayed in the field longer than she should. I'd feel responsible for putting it out there in the universe. I worry about Katie…"
"Katie's fine," Jim soothed. "You with her last night; you saw her again today…she's fine. A little sore and nervous but otherwise fine. The baby's fine too…and you're not responsible for this because of a topic of conversation. It was a legitimate concern…one that Katie needed to hear and think about it. It's just an unfortunate coincidence that this accident happened soon after…but she's okay."
"I wish she'd give up that damn job," Johanna said, a touch of bitterness in her tear soaked voice.
"I do too…but she's not going to…we both know that."
"I know; and it's my fault she got into it in the first place."
Jim held her tightly. "No; we're not going to do this again. You are not responsible for the choices Katie made while you were away…just like you're not responsible for the choices I made while you were away. We both knew you wouldn't like or approve of some of the choices we made…we made them anyway; mine are on me and Katie's are on her…so don't go down that path, Jo. You've worked hard to get through it, don't go sending yourself back there because you're upset."
"I don't even know why I'm crying," she admitted as she clung to him.
He pulled back from her a little so that he could wipe the tears from her cheeks as he gave her a smile. "Because it's your turn, sweetheart."
"My turn?"
Jim nodded; his thumb sweeping across her cheekbone. "Last night you had to shove down everything you were feeling because Katie needed you. She was falling apart and you had to pick up the pieces…you didn't get to give in to your worries and fears because you had to be 'Mom'…you had to comfort her, reassure her, convince her all would be well…you had to tell off a rude doctor. We stayed there with her the whole time because she needed you to stay. We came home and got very little sleep. I think you got even less than I did because I know you were restless. I know you kept checking your phone to make sure you hadn't missed any calls or messages. You went to work, dealt with three classes of kids and then went out on a shopping trip so you could buy Katie clothes in bigger sizes to show her that you're confident she's going to need them. You stayed with her for awhile and then came home…we fell asleep after dinner and the phone scared you. It just brought your own fears forward, Jo. It's alright…you're allowed to cry. I know you're worried. I know you were terrified last night…I know you're going to flinch every time the phone rings or chimes with a new message until Katie goes back to the doctor. So go ahead and cry, honey; get it out of your system…because Katie's going to call you about ten times a day until she goes back to the doctor, needing you to tell her that it's going to be alright."
A few more tears slipped down her cheeks as she curled her fingers around his. "I'm just tired," she murmured.
"I know," he said with a nod. "Tired and worried."
A wobbly smile touched her lips. "I should be used to that…I've been a mother for decades now."
Jim grinned at her. "Yeah; well, you know how it is…I've been a father for just as long and I'm still sure she's going to give me an ulcer before long."
"You and me both."
He nodded. "And we thought she was terrifying when she was born…she's worse now."
"That's true," Johanna said with a nod of her own. "Because of that damn job…and I know I already said that but you're the only person I can say it to."
"It's our little secret…that isn't quite secret," Jim agreed; "But we do our best not to mention it."
"I really do try not to mention it…or over think it…but last night…"
"I know," he murmured; "We didn't know what we were going to walk into last night and it brought back bad memories; but she's alright and so is the baby. Everything's going to be fine."
She took a breath and pulled herself back together as she squeezed his hand. "Let's go upstairs. I'm too tired to care how early it is. I just want to curl back up with you and relax...it's going to be a long weekend for Katie and it's going to be a long one for us too."
Jim nodded. "You're right, it is going to be a long one…but we'll get through it as always," he told her before pressing a kiss against her lips. "Get your phone; I'll make sure the doors are locked."
"I hope the phone doesn't ring anymore tonight," Johanna said as she picked the device up. "I'm not sure I can take another wake up call."
"That makes both of us," her husband agreed; "Hopefully the scam calls are done; friends are occupied with Friday night plans and our daughter is tucked in and getting some rest of her own."
"She said she was going to bed early when I talked to her after dinner. Hopefully she'll feel better tomorrow."
"Hopefully we all do," Jim said as his wife rose from the sofa and followed him from the room. They all just needed a good night's sleep and an uneventful weekend to put things to rights, he thought to himself as he made sure the house was locked up for the night. He just hoped the universe would cooperate.