Chapter 14: John Phoenix and the Curious Contradiction
John Phoenix still had his eyes closed. John Phoenix hadn't opened John Phoenix's eyes since the last chapter when it was mentioned that John Phoenix's eyes were closed. John Phoenix had closed John Phoenix's eyes, and had kept them closed, because John Phoenix didn't need to keep them open because John Phoenix knew the trial would be too easy to require the use of eyes. By keeping John Phoenix's eyes closed, John Phoenix knew that John Phoenix could show John Phoenix's disdain for the von Karmas, one of whom had murdered his mother not 24 hours ago.
John Phoenix continued to have John Phoenix's eyes closed.
Manfred von Robot, who was actually none other than Manfred von Karma, but a robot, called his first witness to the stand.
"Name and occupation," said Manfred von Robot, who was Manfred von Karma, but who was actually a robot.
"John Policeman," the witness responded. He had a hat. "I am the detective in charge of this case."
Phoenix scratched his goatee which was connected to his sideburns. "John Policeman?" he repeated dubiously. "That name sounds phony. Where's Detective Gumshoe?"
"Objection," said Manfred von Robot. "His name isn't 'phony'. The witness changed his last name to Policeman to show his dedication to the law. He became a detective a few hours ago. Detective Gumshoe isn't here because I had him fired for being a bad detective."
"What!" Phoenix said out loud. "But Gumshoe isn't that bad of a detective. Wait a minute, only a few hours? Von Karma, how do we know this 'witness' isn't actually a robot like you?"
Manfred von Robot's 3D face started sweating bullets but the sweat bullets were as big as apples. "Um... well... heh... robot? I can't be expected to know something like that... it's possible, I suppose..."
"You're Honour, the defense requests that we check to see if John Policeman is a robot, and-"
"Shut up," John Phoenix snapped. "Shut your mouth, Uncle Phoenix. You're being stupid. Also, irrelevant."
"I agree with John Phoenix," said the Judge wisely. "There's nothing to suggest that John Policeman is anything but what he professes to be, a robot! I mean, a detective."
"Indeed," said Manfred von Robot. "Karl, my circuits grow tired, tell the witness to relate the facts of this case to the court."
Karl von Karma obeyed. "I obey you, father," said Karl von Karma. He went to the witness. "Mr. Policeman, testify about that thing you're supposed to talk about."
"Okay," said John Policeman. "I just do what I'm commanded to do, sir. Sometimes it feels like... I'm being controlled..."
Karl sniggered nastily and patted the secret remote control deeper into his pocket. "Oh, you don't know the half of it, Mr. Policeman..." he said under his breath. He returned to his place by his father.
John Policeman began his testimony.
"Alright, the defendant killed her Principal Buddy Johnson for an unknown reason."
"We don't know why, but she just did it."
"The victim was shot with his own gun. The defendant's fingerprints are all over it."
"Buddy Johnson always cleaned his gun at exactly the time when he was killed, so Ms. Wright could have stolen it from the desk then."
Hmm, wait a minute, contradiction? thought Phoenix Wright. He glanced at John Phoenix. His face didn't show any sign of having seen, or more accurately heard, the contradiction.
Uncle Phoenix tugged John Phoenix's sleeve. "Um, John Phoenix? I think that was a contradiction just now?"
John Phoenix refused to speak. He shut his eyes tighter and stuck his fingers in his ears. Phoenix sighed.
"Hey, Wright," said Godot, "you should raise an objection. I know that look, you've spotted a contradiction haven't you?"
"Yeah," replied Phoenix, "but I can't raise an objection because I am merely the co-counsel."
"Do it anyway. You look a lot like John Phoenix. Maybe the judge will mistake you for him. His eyesight has been going for years, and his vanity stops him from wearing his glasses."
So Phoenix raised an objection. "Objection!"
"Huh?" asked John Policeman. "What is... an 'objection'?"
"Quiet, John Policeman," said Karl von Karma. "I'll tell you later."
"Policeman!" yelled Phoenix. "If Trucy stole the gun when it was being cleaned, it wouldn't have been loaded!" The camera did a close-up of his face. "Because people don't clean loaded guns! Because it's dangerous!"
John Policeman's head spun around 720 degrees and shot off sparks. "Brrzt! Buzzt!"
"Nice objection, sir," said the Judge.
"Yeah, that was a nice objection, Wright," said Godot.
But von Robot just laughed. "Fool! You have no proof that the gun wasn't loaded! The principal was probably just a negligent idiot."
"Objection!" said Phoenix. He presented the "bloodied gun safety poster" from the court record. "This poster was in the principal's office. It has his brain on it. He also made it with his own two hands. That means Buddy Johnson knew about gun safety, so he wouldn't clean a loaded gun! It says right here on the poster, 'Don't clean your gun when it's loaded, WARNING that's dangerous.' See?"
"Objection," said John Phoenix. "Uncle Phoenix, you are stupid. Your objection is hardly an objection. Even if the gun was unloaded, she could have stolen bullets from the desk. I assume bullets were kept in the desk?"
"Of course," said John Policeman. "Buddy Johnson always kept bullets in his desk, in case he needed to shoot someone."
John Phoenix smirked, the logic flowing freely from his brain. "Also, it's possible that Trucy brought her own bullets to the office and concealed them in her pockets..."
"Objection!" shouted Phoenix Wright. "Easily?! Where would she get bullets? Besides, Trucy doesn't have pockets."
"Shut up," said John Phoenix. "She could have hidden the bullets in her armpits."
"Nrggh..."
The Judge fiddled with his gavel. "Ahem..." he cleared his throat. "So what does all this mean, John Phoenix."
"Simple, Your Honor. My Uncle is an idiot when compared with myself. Nothing he said matters in the slightest. That is all."
"B-b-but..." sputtered Phoenix. "Um, chloroformed! She was unconscious, so..."
"She could have easily chloroformed herself, Uncle Phoenix," said John Phoenix. "After she murdered her principal, she simply put the rag over her face and made herself get unconscious. That way, when the police arrived on the scene she would be off in chloroform land, and everyone would think she was just another victim, when in fact she was the true murderess all along!"
"Yes, that's exactly what happened," said von Karma. "Good job, John Phoenix... for doing my job for me! Ahaha!"
But John Phoenix merely smirked. "But do you have any PROOF that is what happened?"
"Of course," replied von Robot. "It's the only thing that COULD have happened. Because the office was locked from the inside! The only two people in the room were Wright's brat and that principal, so she must have done it."
John Phoenix suddenly grabbed Godot's coffee and poured it on his uncle's hands. "Ow! Hot!"
"Shut up," ordered John Phoenix. "Von Robot, I asked for PROOF! Give me evidence or testimony that only she could have done it!"
"Hmph, fine," was the reply. "John Policeman, testify once again, this time about the state of the crime scene."
"Yes, I do only what you tell me."
"Good boy."
The second testimony began.
"We arrived on the scene approximately 10 minutes after the secretary heard the gunshot and called 911."
"The door to the office was locked. We had to break the door down. We later found the key in the victim's pocket."
"The defendant was still unconscious when we entered the room. The gun was lying in her hand."
"The windows were also locked from the inside, so this is a textbook locked room murder if I've ever seen one."
John Phoenix took exactly 1.8 seconds to respond.
"Objection," said John Phoenix. "Do you have proof that those windows were the same windows that were in the window frames during the murder?"
"Huh?" gaped John Policeman. "Huh, what?"
"Yeah!" said von Robot. "What?"
"Hmph hmph hmph," chuckled John Phoenix. "Isn't it obvious? The true killer could have chloroformed Trucy, shot the principal, and then escaped via the unlocked windows. Then, he could have simply removed the windows and installed pre-locked windows that he had prepared earlier."
The entire court was silent. Except for John Phoenix.
"If Trucy Wright is innocent of this crime, then it's the only possible explanation. My brain tells me that."
Karl von Karma threw back his head and laughed insanely. "Ah! Ah, ah! Ah ah ah ah! But we don't think she's innocent! So we have no reason to believe that crap you just came up with!"
"No, but it IS your job to prove that the crime didn't happen the way I described it."
"How could we possibly prove that?" asked von Karma.
"Easy," replied John Phoenix. "As a former pupil of that high school, before I escaped it, I know that the windows are cleaned every day at a particular time. That time? An hour before the murder! So, the windows should have been wet, from the water used to clean them. But if the windows weren't wet, that means they had been replaced." He slammed the desk. "By the real killer!"
The gallery made noises. Phoenix Wright made a noise.
"Y-you can't prove whether or not they were wet!" said von Robot. He regained his composure. "Oh, but our witness here can! Witness, were the windows wet?" Karl von Karma stuck his hand in his pocket and adjusted a knob.
"Brrzzt..." said John Policeman with a jerk of the head. "Windows were wet."
"Ah," said John Phoenix, "I wouldn't expect this forged witness to speak the truth. I call the janitor the stand!"
The janitor took the stand.
"Did you clean the windows an hour before the murder?" asked John Phoenix.
"Yes. I made the windows wet. It's my job. But an hour later they were dry."
John Phoenix addressed the judge. "And yet, a mere hour later, John Policeman says that the windows were WET! Therefore, he lies! Thus, the windows were indeed replaced... by the real killer! And since my cousin was found in the room with the victim, she couldn't have left via the windows and then put the new locked windows in, so therefore the real killer is a DIFFERENT PERSON!"
The gallery cheered in celebration of John Phoenix and his brilliance. Phoenix Wright and Godot patted him on the back. John Phoenix didn't like being touched so he flailed his arms around and knocked legal briefs and pens off the desk. The von Karmas were seething.
The Judge made a gavel sound. "Well, since John Phoenix said that this crime was committed by a third person, I find the defendant, Trucy Wright-"
Suddenly a panel on the side of Manfred von Robot slid aside and the angel gun (on a stick) came out and pointed itself at the judge!
"I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that, Your Honor..." said Manfred von Robot.
"Good gracious!" exclaimed the judge. People in the gallery screamed and began fleeing.
"John Phoenix, do something!" said Phoenix Wright.
John Phoenix stretched out his arm toward the gun so he could he use his psychic powers on it. But then his eyes shot open for the first time in almost 2 chapters. Something was wrong. For the first time in his life, John Phoenix was afraid.
"They're gone... my psychic powers are gone!"
"Fool!" gloated Manfred von Robot. "Did you really think I would be so wretchedly foolish as to face you in court without neutralizing your psychic powers first? Now you're at my mercy! Hahahaha!" Suddenly von Robot adjusted his stick and fired the the angel gun at the defense bench.
"Oh no!" said Phoenix Wright!
To be continued...