October 2, 1998
The tiles in the bathroom were different than the tiles in the room where her bed stood. When all that dark grey became too much to bear, she would come in here and sit on the edge of the tub and stare down at the bathroom tiles.
There were one hundred fifty-two tiles that made up the bathroom floor. Calandra had counted them probably that many times. They were her respite. When the grey stone of the other room buried her in guilt, she came in here.
She couldn't escape that color completely, though. She never could. Back when she hated grey it would follow her in sad flower petals or sheets of rain. Then later, when grey was her favorite color, she only had to look beside her to find it. It was fitting that she was tapped here, forever, with it.
Grey swirls cut their way through the white of the tiles in the bathroom, too. Soft tendrils of smoke that floated up from the end of a cigarette. The color of one of her best friend's hair at the temples, early in its arrival from too much stress.
It was impossible to escape that color here and it was impossible to escape him, here. She didn't really want to, but some days it would've been nice to pretend. To pretend that her life wasn't intertwined with his and he was out somewhere happy in the world.
But it seemed as if this place wanted to remind her every day. Remind her of her failures. Remind her of him. Calandra closed her eyes and allowed herself to get lost in her thoughts.
She couldn't remember when she started loving him. It had been gradual; sneaking up on her before taking her over completely. But then again, it had had to be. She'd sworn she'd never give anyone that power.
She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment it started, but she could remember when his life and hers had started intertwining. New friendships, practical jokes, and borrowed books. That had been the start. If only she could change the ending.
October 17, 1974
She sipped her pumpkin juice and listened to Alice and Mary's conversation about the latest Herbology class, letting their words wash over her without really hearing them. It was such a nice night. Everyone was celebrating the Quidditch victory, the common room was as festive as it could be. Candles floated everywhere, streamers draped over all the windows and most of the furniture. Someone had charmed the Zonko's Confetti Cannons to hang at the top of the ceiling and one went off every few minutes. It would be a huge mess tomorrow, but really who was worried about that right now?
She gazed out at the crowd in the common room. Most of the first, second, and third years had been chivvied up to bed, but the room was still pretty crowded. Gideon and Fabian were in the corner gesturing animatedly and waving their wands over some sort of balls in their hands. Lily and Dorcas were making stars appear out of their wands and flinging them up to the ceiling.
Johnathon Aster had charmed the gramophone in the corner to self-wind and brought out his extensive collection of muggle records. Quite a few of the students had never heard any of the songs before, being raised exclusively in the wizarding world, but everyone was enjoying the music. People were dancing and swaying along to the beat.
She took a sip of her drink and half listened to her friends as she continued to look out at the sea of people. She truly loved it here. She loved the hum of magic in the air that had nothing to do with there being so many witches and wizards in the room, but everything about the comradery of the evening.
She loved the group of students playing a drunken game of exploding snap. She loved the couples slowly coming together dancing along to the music. She loved the seventh years scribbling on parchments, probably debating something that had to do with their NEWT's. She even loved the blasted Quidditch team that had hoisted Potter on their shoulders, dancing and singing and jumping about. His head was already big enough, this would make him unbearable. She shook her head, smiling at them, then looked back. Usually wherever Potter was the rest of them would be close by.
She ran her eyes over the common room again. Johnathon put on a Styx record and more people joined in dancing. They weren't among the group on the dance floor. They weren't part of the poker game in the corner. They weren't crowded around the fire or over at the table where all the food and drinks had been piled. That was pretty odd, the lot of them were usually in the thick of things. She peered around Mary and saw a familiar shock of black hair.
There they were. Almost hidden towards the back of the room. Lupin leant against the wall and Black was sitting on the window ledge beside him, talking very intensely to his friend. Pettigrew sat on the sofa beneath the window staring at the two and shaking his head. Lupin didn't look very well. Actually, he looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes and a bandage on his neck. His shoulders were tense as he cocked his head to the side as if trying to hear something clearer. After just a moment he smiled a sad, bitter smile and shook his head, staring out the window at the sky.
She looked out the window she was closest to and saw the faint glow of the moon. She looked back over at the group and saw that Potter had joined them. He listened for a moment, then drew himself up, and gestured toward Johnathon. She heard the words of the song then.
She'd wondered for a while now. Probably over a year, honestly. She was friends with Lupin. They were partners for a lot of class work in Arthimancy and Runes. She copied notes for him when he missed. And he missed a lot. Almost every month, in fact. And he came back exhausted. And this song was making him upset.
She watched as Potter made his way over to Johnathon and stuck a galleon in his hand. He didn't have to do that. Johnathon was a good guy. All Potter had to do was ask to play his favorite song or something like that. Just ask him to play a record from a different band.
Potter probably didn't know any of them, come to think of it. He didn't have muggle relatives or anything. Johnathon looked oddly at Potter and over to the other three, then shrugged and picked out a different record.
Potter joined the others and Lupin shook his head at him. Calandra shook her head, too. They were obviously in on the secret, but they weren't exactly the image of discretion. The act he'd just pulled proved that. It was plain to see they tried to help him, though. They just didn't know what it was like to live with a secret like that. To always be on edge because it could ruin everything if people knew.
"I'm going to go get another drink and maybe a dance or two." Calandra said suddenly.
Mary and Alice looked at her. Alice smiled.
"Nice to see you've joined us here on Earth again," she said. "Go have fun, but not too much fun."
Alice winked and Calandra rolled her eyes.
She went over to the table where all the butterbeers had been deposited. She wasn't surprised to find two bottles of firewhisky there either. She started to grab a butterbeer or some more pumpkin juice but made a snap decision and grabbed two shot glasses.
She waved her wand to fill them with the amber liquid. Her mother had poured herself a drink the night she'd decided to enroll Calandra in Hogwarts. She said that she needed a little something extra for courage. Well, Calandra would need all the courage she could get, if she were going to go through with this.
She made her way over to the corner where the boys were and held out a glass to Lupin.
"Come dance with me," she said downing her own drink.
Calandra grimaced as the liquid burned down her throat. She swallowed and nodded at the glass she held. Lupin just stared at her outstretched hand.
"I'll give you the notes from Arithmancy." She smiled and offered up the drink once more, setting her glass down on the windowsill.
He glanced at the glass and then looked back at her.
"And the notes for Runes. I'll even throw in the origin of the rune we worked all last week on."
He smiled at her and sighed. She held her empty hand out and passed off the glass to her right. She led him to the dance floor. The song was upbeat enough that they could actually dance but slow enough that she could talk to him.
They spun around once and just followed the basic steps. Neither spoke. She supposed he just wanted it to be over and she was working up her nerve. This might not be the smartest thing to do, but she wanted someone to talk to. Alice was wonderful and supportive, but she just couldn't understand. Lupin would.
"The last song was a bit much wasn't it?" she finally asked.
His head shot up, but his face revealed nothing. "I'm not a big fan of Styx."
She smiled and shook her head, "I was thinking the lyrics, rather than the band."
He looked scared now. His eyes searched her face. She plunged ahead.
"I know."
He said nothing.
"We all have secrets you know." She looked straight into his eyes trying to reassure him. "Everyone has monsters. Some are harder to live with than others, but it doesn't change the type of person you are."
He looked away.
"How did you know?" he whispered.
"I know what it's like to hide part of yourself from the world. I knew what I was looking at." She said simply.
"You're not-" He began.
"A werewolf." She finished. "No, I'm not."
He looked down at her and she saw open curiosity in his eyes. But he wasn't going to ask. She knew he wouldn't. Because he wouldn't want anyone to ask him. She stood on her tiptoes to and leaned toward him.
"You've heard of Sirens?" she whispered.
His brows knit together in confusion then his eyes widened. She lowered herself back onto her heels.
"My great grandmother." she said.
He swallowed and nodded. The song was coming to an end.
"I'll bring the notes you missed to the library tomorrow." She said looking up at him. "And don't worry. I'll never tell."
She let go of his arm and stepped back. She offered him a smile and a wave and turned around and headed back to her dorm.
Two people knew. Two friends now knew, and she hoped she hadn't just made a huge mistake.
Alice caught up with her on the way up the stairs.
"You looked quite cozy." she said.
"Yeah?" she smiled.
"Yeah, so…will we be seeing more of you two together?" she giggled.
"I'd expect so. We're friends." She nodded.
"Well, you have my approval. I like him." Alice said linking her arm through hers.
"You know I don't want anything like that." She shook her head.
"I know," Alice sighed. "But sometimes it just happens."
She looked back down the stairs to the corner where they'd been. All four boys were watching her and Alice. Lupin had a small smile on his face, Pettigrew looked curious, Potter looked a bit confused, but was smiling, and Black just stared at them with a blank expression as he tilted the shot glass in his hand back and swallowed. Calandra lifted a hand in a small wave and walked up the rest of the stairs to her room.
October 18, 1974
"I told him." Calandra told Alice as they sat by the lake.
Alice looked at her sharply.
"Lupin?" she asked.
Calandra nodded. Alice sighed and stared out at the water.
"I'm glad." She finally said. "You deserve friends who know."
Calandra picked a few blades of grass on twisted them in her fingers.
"I won't let him do anything." Alice said seriously. "If he tries to say anything, I'll make sure he won't."
Calandra smiled at her.
"Don't worry, Alice." She said fondly. "He'd never be foolish enough to cross you."
October 26, 1974
Was it your mother or your father?" Calandra asked setting her quill down.
"What?" Remus Lupin looked up from his book.
"What you are," she said. "Was it your mother or your father?"
"Oh." he looked around furtively, "Umm, neither. It was someone else who, you know," he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Bit me."
"Oh." she said surprised. "I'm sorry."
He smiled at her and went back to his book.
She sat lost in thought for a bit, then returned to her homework assignment.
"I won't tell anyone." He said quietly.
She looked up and he nodded in her general direction.
"I just wanted you to know." He said shrugging his shoulders.
"I know." She said. "I never thought you would."
November 10, 1974
"Is that why you don't answer questions in class?" Lupin asked.
Calandra nodded.
"I answer when the professors call on me." She pointed out. "But I don't volunteer."
"You probably could, you know." He said.
She pulled a face and he went on.
"We've been partners for months now. You talk to me almost every day, and I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary about your voice."
Calandra pondered the thought for a moment. If he didn't notice anything maybe others wouldn't either. She smiled and nodded her head at him.
"Maybe I can." She said.
November 19, 1974
Alice and Calandra sat with their knees together in their Care of Magical Creatures class. A bucket sat at their feet with a Niffler in it. Calandra reached down and picked up the little thing and sat it in her lap. She rubbed its tiny head with her finger and laughed when its body wriggled.
"You and Lupin have been spending more time together here recently." Alice said.
Calandra nodded.
"Runes is actually a bit difficult this year. We haven't translated the whole Germanic set yet, but Professor Ratsel said we'd be cross referencing both alphabets this month. Seems backwards to me, but it's the assignment. We've been translating the Germanic alphabet on our own in our spare time, just so we know what we're looking at."
Alice fed the Niffler a bit of spinach.
"Has he said anything about, you know…" Alice asked, tentatively.
"Not really." Calandra shook her head. "He's asked a few questions but hasn't really made many comments about it."
"Good." Alice said. "If he ever says anything mean you tell me; I've got a few new hexes I want to try out."
Calandra laughed and shook her head at her friend.
November 25, 1974
"All you ever do is study!" a voice whined.
Calandra walked through the shelves of the library towards the table in the back where she and Lupin worked on their Ancient Runes homework. This week had been particularly difficult.
"I told you." Lupins voice responded. "Class is hard this week."
"Yeah, sure." Someone retorted. "I'm sure you're ditching us to work on homework. Not to spend time with your new little girlfriend."
"Piss off, James." Lupin said. "We're friends, we have class together. And I have homework for that class."
"Come off it." A voice spat. "She slip you a love potion? Cast a spell on you? Why are you all of a sudden so interested in Runes?"
"I told you." Lupin said. "It's new material and it's getting more difficult. You should know as well as anyone Sirius, you're in the bloody class. Besides, you're always-"
Calandra didn't stay to hear the rest. She shoved the library books she had in the shelf and left the library, heart pounding. They thought she'd done something to him. He was acting different and they suspected her. She'd been so careful. So bloody careful. He'd told her that he didn't notice a difference in her voice. Was he lying? Is that why he'd agreed to study together?
Calandra walked, not paying attention to where she was going. She found herself on the Quidditch pitch, lost in her own thoughts. She climbed the steps and sat in the stands. The wind whipped her hair around and Calandra rubbed her hands together to warm them.
She wished more than anything she were normal. She'd been wishing that her whole life. She used to wish to be a normal little girl, who didn't make doors shut or flowers grow. Then, when her mother showed her magic, she wished more than anything to be a normal witch; a witch who didn't have to keep secrets about herself, or her mother, or her grandparents. Now, she wished that her magic was normal. That she could say spells at normal volume and not be worried something would go amiss. That she could volunteer to answer questions in class. That she could have a friend without other people wondering why she was friends with them.
Calandra sat in the wind. She watched as groups of students milled about the grounds, talking and laughing with one another. She sat there until it was almost sundown and the wind turned chilly. It wasn't until Calandra's hands were thoroughly numb and her lungs ached from the cold, did she go back in the castle.
November 30, 1974
Dorcas tossed a bishop from her chess set at Calandra and motioned her over.
"Bet you ten sickles you can't beat me." She said.
"You know I won't take that bet." Calandra laughed and tossed the bishop back.
"And why not?" Dorcas demanded.
"Please." Calandra said. "I know you've got the gold. If you want to be serious just bet the galleon. Besides, you know I'm horrible at chess."
"Why'd you think I asked you to play and not Alice?" Dorcas laughed.
"I've been trying to teach her for months." Alice chimed in. "She's hopeless."
Calandra rolled her eyes.
"I am not hopeless." She contradicted. "I'd rather do something more exciting. Besides, my father knows how to play chess. If I learned, he might make me play."
"Fair enough." Alice relented. "I refused to learn cross stitch with my Gran for the same reason."
Calandra walked toward the door and turned back toward Dorcas.
"We're going up to the astronomy tower to release some Estrevoars. Want to come?" she asked.
"Nah." Dorcas grimaced. "I've not even started my Transfiguration. Thanks though."
Alice and Calandra said goodbye and walked down the stairs, through the common room. They climbed out of the portrait hole and walked up the staircase to the astronomy tower.
"Do you think the Bloody Baron is up there?" Alice asked.
"Probably not." Calandra replied. "He usually doesn't show up there until after all the students go to bed. It's not even curfew."
They wound their way up the staircase and walked around the telescopes to the ledge. Alice sat her bag down and unzipped it. The two girls reached in and drew out a handful of the small, black eggs. Each egg was perfectly round and about as big as a gobstone.
Alice had found them while she was visiting her grandmother. She'd gone out one night to pick moonflowers and, in each flower, she found a few eggs. Her grandmother showed her what the eggs were in her Fantastic Beasts book. Alice had watched them carefully, and when it was safe to take them, she did. She brought them with her so Calandra could see how they hatched.
The two girls had studied the creatures in their schoolbooks and had even checked some extra books out of the library. All the texts said that the Estrevoars would be ready to hatch when they glowed bright blue at night. In order to hatch they had to be at least a hundred feet in the air. Usually the moonflowers would spit them out when they glowed and the Estrevoars would hatch in midair.
Calandra and Alice had gone to the astronomy tower to be up high enough, so they didn't have to throw the eggs. They each held out their hands and watched the eggs. One of the eggs in Alice's hand glowed first. A deep, midnight blue around the edges of the egg, and a brighter blue in the center. The two girls watched in amazement as the little egg glowed.
One by one the eggs in their hand glowed, until almost all of them were radiating light. They carefully sat the other eggs in Calandra's bag and walked back to the edge of the tower. Calandra lifted one of the eggs up and looked at Alice. They smiled excitedly at each other and Calandra tossed the egg into the sky.
It looked like a mixture between a shooting star and a firework. The egg left a glowing trail in its wake and with a small puff, burst open in the air. Tiny sparks rained down and a small creature twinkled where the egg was moments before. Calandra leaned over the ledge to look at the creature.
It was a small thing; only a bit bigger than one of Calandra's fingers. It had two wings that stretched out on either side of its long, thin body. The creature was all angles, sharp and pointing looking. But it was beautiful. Two long antennae looped up from the top of its body and attached to each was a tiny ball of light.
The whole creature glowed a bright, shocking white. The more Calandra studied it, the more colors she found in it. Prisms of brilliant blues and pinks twinkled when the Estrevoar fluttered its wings. When it flew up toward the top of the castle it looked exactly like a star twinkling in the night sky.
"Wow!" Alice breathed. "That's amazing. The picture in the book doesn't do it justice."
"I know." Calandra said.
"Come, on." Alice said. "Let's do some more."
The two girls tossed up egg after egg. Alice tossed a whole handful up into the air and they watched as the whole area was lit up with fluttering, twinkling wings. Some of the Estrevoars flew over and landed on Alice. Calandra laughed and laughed at her friend's shocked excitement. She wished she had a camera.
They were tossing up the last few eggs, when a they heard footsteps behind them. Calandra turned to find Remus Lupin picking his way through the telescopes. He shoved his hands into his pockets and offered the girls a smile.
"I was wondering where you were." He said to Calandra. "You didn't come to the library for the past few days. Thought you might be getting ill."
Alice picked up her bag excused herself. Calandra shot her a dirty look. She leaned against the ledge of the tower and watched Alice disappear down the stairs. She looked down at the eggs she still had in her hand.
"What are those?" Lupin asked, nodding toward the glowing eggs in her hand.
"Estrevoar eggs." She said. "Alice found them. We've been watching them hatch."
She held out her hand and offered him one. He reached out and plucked one up and studied it. He sat it on the ledge and rolled it back and forth between his hands.
"How far have you gotten in your translations?" he asked.
"I've translated the whole Germanic alphabet." She said. "I've started on the Egyptian set, too. I figure it won't be long until Ratsel adds that one in."
"You've been busy." He said, raising his eyebrows. "I don't know why he is having us cross reference when we don't even know the alphabet."
Calandra shrugged and looked out at the grounds. She rolled the egg around in her hand and watched the different blues glow in her palm.
"I guess you heard them." Lupin said.
Calandra didn't answer.
"Listen." He said. "I know they're a bunch of gits sometimes, but they didn't mean anything by it. I don't think you've slipped me a love potion or anything."
"But they do." she said, turning to him.
He stared down at the egg he was rolling across the ledge.
"Nah, they don't." he said. "They were just cross with me."
"Yeah," she scoffed. "That's why they think I drugged you or have you under an Imperius Curse; because they're cross with you."
Lupin hunched his shoulders.
"He didn't really mean it." He said. "Sirius gets ratty when he's cross. He doesn't truly think you've done anything to me."
Calandra crossed her arms and leaned over the ledge.
"They don't know, you know." Lupin said. "I haven't told them. I won't tell them."
"You don't have to." Calandra said. "People can guess secrets."
She gave him a pointed look. He laughed and rolled the egg into his palm.
"That's true." He admitted. "But yours is a bit harder to guess."
He stepped closer to her and spoke sincerely.
"I'm really sorry about what they said. They are, too, although I know you probably don't believe it. If you don't want to be partners in class anymore, that's fine. But I'd still like to be friends."
Calandra studied him. After a few moments she nodded and sighed.
"You're just trying to get in my good graces so you can have my translations." She said.
Lupin laughed and shook his head.
"I'm not, but if you're ever inclined to share them, I'd be grateful." He said. "It's impossible to work with Sirius. He never writes down any of the translations. He just stores them away somewhere in all that hair and hopes for the best."
Calandra laughed and shrugged.
"Seems to work, he's not far behind us in class."
Lupin rolled his eyes.
"Don't remind me. It's disgusting." He tossed the little egg up and caught it. "I've never seen one of these before, how do they hatch?"
Calandra grinned and tossed hers into the air. A streak of blue flashed across the sky and the little creature emerged in a puff of sparks. Little wings sparkled and fluttered as the Estrevoar took flight. It swooped in the air and flew up towards the stars, glittering and shining like it belonged there.