Tell me what you think!

Chapter Twelve

I couldn't feel my fists. I was clenching them too hard. He had walked down seven steps. There were only ten on the narrow spiral staircase. Hellfire. I definitely should have thought about my response. It was far too late now, he was at the bottom and must be waiting for me to turn. Blast me.

I forced my hands open and attempted to brush the stray curl from my face as I turned. It didn't work. I tried my very best to act like I had just noticed him. I'm not sure that worked either.

Jim was rocking on his heels with his arms tightly crossed in front of his chest. I groaned internally, I had been praying this wouldn't be awkward. I almost flinched as he suddenly pulled out a hand and started examining his fingernails.

"So, uh, going good? Down here, I mean. Like in the control cabin?" I think he just blushed.

"Great. At least that's what it seems like. I just got here."

"Oh yeah, first day back. Going good?" Now he was really blushing and I saw him squeeze eyes shut for slightly too long to be a regular blink.

"I mean it hasn't been very long so… I think it will be good, I like working."

"Mm, good. Great." He suddenly crossed his arms even harder across his chest and looked up for the first time. Our eyes met for a second but we both jerked away. "It's, uh… It's been awhile since we've, um… since, you know, since we've talked! That's what I meant." He finished hastily, grabbing the back of his neck. He looked at me and opened his mouth to say something else but then decided against it.

I had been stiff and blank faced up to this point. I couldn't feel my hands again. Hellfire, you have to say something now. "Yeah, it has been a while. We've both been busy, I guess. Well, I haven't been really. I've just been sitting around or whatever. But you must be busy, since we haven't seen each other."

He flinched. "Yeah, kinda busy. I... I also wasn't sure if you wanted me around…"

Confusion. "Why did you think that?" Wrong question, Alice!

"Didn't I make a mistake?" Damn those eyes.

What can I say? I never thought he'd be so direct. I didn't see a way to skirt around the question. "I don't know," I said breathlessly. "I think I need more time. A lot happened that day and I'm still confused."

"Oh." He took a step back. "Maybe I should go."

"No, wait." What are you doing, Alice? "That morning afterward, in your cabin, uh, thanks. That's the first… I haven't felt that... that safe for as long as I can remember. Even though it was only a few minutes I can never repay you for that." I looked down, face burning. What happened to not letting him in?

A small smile touched his lips and he closed the gap between us. He gently took my hand and brushed the stray hair out of my eyes. "I don't want to hurt you. I want you to feel safe, you deserve that."

I couldn't meet his eyes. I felt so confused and conflicted. Why did he care? Why can't I fend off his kindness with my cold heart? Why did I not want to hurt him, why did I care?

I was struggling for words and he saw that. Jim gave my hand one last squeeze and stepped away, giving me space. He shot me one last smile and walked slowly up the stairs.

Something inside me ached. It could be my still healing ribs. It could be my stupid heart. Either way, I wrapped my arms around myself as I slid to the floor. I wanted to sink into the deck beneath me and never return. Why was everything always so complicated? My head was screaming at me to shut him out, shake him off, do anything to get away from such a large threat. But my heart threatened to break if I pulled away, to let what little trust and safety I had slip through my fingers.

I knew the consequences of getting tangled with the captain would likely mean my death. But the consequences of locking Jim out of my life would mean saying goodbye to kindness, potentially forever. I could let my guard down around him, I haven't been able to do that since I was a kid. It felt like he was slowly washing away all the pain and betrayal that I have been carrying for so long. I didn't realize how much that had been weighing me down until I was around him. He made me feel human. I didn't want to leave that behind. I didn't want to leave him.

Honestly, say we do make it through this voyage alive, we'd be running for the rest of our life. There's no possible future with Jim, not with our life on the line. We'd fall back into our life of piracy, it's the only thing we know how to do. Is there any room for a pirate on the straight and narrow path? We would have to say goodbye anyway, if we didn't get killed before that.

Does quality of life outweigh life itself? This thing with Jim felt nice but I could already feel how sickening it would be to be found out. To die. Are these warm and fuzzy feelings worth more than the rest of my life? A future of piracy was bleak and formidable but it was a life. Wasn't the fight for my life the thing that brought me to this ship? Was I really going to throw it away now, all for a boy?

I groaned into my arms, thoroughly confused and in agony. Blast you, Jim Hawkins. You're ruining my life. Ironic. He's literally the one that saved me on multiple occasions. I was walking a fine line between keeping Jim close enough to protect my secret and also not letting him too close. Anything could slip out if you get too comfortable.

I can't let him in. He's not as safe as he makes me feel. He is obligated to kill me. No matter what he says, he's a knife held to my throat. Any closer and I'm sure to die. The only solution was to push him away.

I ignored my heart even though it felt like I had been stabbed. I quietly stood up and continued messing with one of the panels. Besides my heart, I felt numb and cold. I was on my own again. Alone. I had fooled myself into thinking I could trust another person. I've learned that lesson the hard way many times, I can never repeat that mistake again. The stakes were too high.

The bell rang for breakfast sooner than I thought it would. Could I even be around Jim? I would have to say something to him eventually. I let apathy wash over me as I climbed the stairs.

I sat the farthest away from Jim and kept my head down. No one spoke to me so I left the mess hall barely exchanging five words. The rest of my shift was a blur and I felt too sick to eat lunch. Mariano relieved me in the early afternoon, concern flirting with his gorgeous eyes. I didn't acknowledge it and went directly to my cabin.

I kicked my boots off and wrapped my blankets around me. I lay there for hours not able to sleep or warm up. I was even more tired now than I was before.

What could I even say to Jim? I couldn't think of a reason for Slave Alice to reject him. He was perfect for her, he cared about her wellbeing. She has already admitted she feels safe around him so what more did she really need? Why would she push him away?

Maybe she feels unworthy, maybe too broken to love. Jim would try to talk her out of it. Maybe she has too many dark secrets. Maybe she is too scared. Jim would probably respect that but I don't think it would keep him away. That could be my best option.

I sighed. I wasn't looking forward to this conversation. Now the question was when. I could wait until we were alone in the control cabin tomorrow morning but then I would have to spend the rest of the day thinking about it. I wasn't planning on going to dinner but maybe I could steal Jim away after. At least that way I could sleep it off. Mess was in a quarter of an hour, I didn't feel ready. I probably never would feel ready.

I spent the next few minutes paralyzed in my bunk with my stomach twisting in knots. The bell rang. It took me another ten to get out of my bunk, straighten my clothes, and try to tuck that curl up into my hair. It kind of worked. I dragged my feet all the way to the mess hall. Fortunately I wasn't the last one in so I joined the stragglers in the line for food. My stomach threatened to vomit at the smell of it all so I settled for some cooked barley and the smallest purp I could find.

Numbness took over me as I walked to the table. I again sat a couple of spacers away from Jim. I went through the motions of chatting with Adri and swallowed as much food as I could without feeling sick. The meal seemed to stretch on for hours, every second adding to my growing anxiety. I felt strange trying to watch him so I didn't miss when he left but also trying avidly to avoid eye contact.

Eventually, I saw the thing I had been dreading. Jim finished his conversation with Owen and grabbed his plate, swinging off the bench, walking toward the galley. I tried not to panic as I followed a second later. I prayed nobody had noticed the strange timing. The cook said something to me that I didn't answer. Jim had stopped halfway through the hall to talk to one of the cabin boys, I couldn't get any closer with looking like I was following him.

"I said are ye prepared to eat the rest o' that?" Vin grumbled.

"What, oh, no. Not hungry." I said distractedly. The cooks started ranting about food waste and privilege but I was already walking away. Jim had just cleared the mess hall steps and I had to rush to catch him before he started talking to someone else.

"Jim!" I called as I ran up to him. He must not have heard me as he kept walking away. "Jim," I repeated when I caught up to him.

He stopped and hesitated before turning to look at me. "What's up?"

"Do you have a minute to talk?"

"Uh, I guess. Is it urgent?" He seemed tired.

That caught me off guard, was this urgent? "Um, no, I guess not. I guess it can wait," I held my breath waiting for his answer.

He looked away while biting his lip, thinking. "Okay, want to talk in the stateroom? There's something I need to do up there first."

"Oh, I had been thinking about the crow's nest but I suppose that could work."

He rubbed the back of his neck as he said, "No, that's fine. Let me just finish that thing in the stateroom and then we can go. Want to come with?"

I nodded dumbly and trailed behind him. He left me by the wheel while he disappeared inside. It was three minutes of pure dread and nausea. Please don't throw up, please don't throw up.

He came out and forced a tight smile. "Ready?"

I nodded again and we went over to the rigging. I hesitated before climbing so Jim started first. I breathed a sigh of relief and climbed up behind him. Hopefully he wouldn't feel me shaking through the rope. The climb seemed to take forever like everything else had today. He reached the top and easily swung over. I was suddenly very worried I would look stupid getting over the railing. Dear God don't let me trip.

My boots hit the floor without a problem and I saw Jim waiting for me. He was leaning against the mast jutting up in the center of the platform, his face strained and he looked exhausted. "Well, what did you want to talk about?" His voice was flat and there were shadows over his eyes.

My stomach did a backflip and I felt my whole body tense. I opened my mouth but no sound came out. I tried to swallow but my whole mouth was dry. "Um, about this morning, I've been thinking." I didn't mean to pause but I did anyway.

"Jim, I… I like you a lot. I'm more than flattered but I…" I bit my cheek so hard I tasted blood. "I d… I… I can't. I can't return your feelings. I'm sorry."

Long silence. I had to look up at some point, to see how he took it. Biting my lip, I braced myself for his face. He looked exhausted. His eyes seemed dull as he looked at something on the floor. Nothing about him seemed angry, or sad, just flat.

Dragging a hand through his hair, he met my eyes. There was another long silence but he ended it by saying, "Can I ask why? Can't is different than don't. If it's something I did…"

"No!" I cut him off. "It's nothing to do with you. You've been the definition of kindness. No, the problem is me. I'm not a good person to get close to, or a good person really. I don't trust easily and I'm scared of being left behind. Jim, it's just easier to choose not to feel." Gods, Alice. You are blurring the line between our lie and what we're actually feeling. This is why we can't be near him! Push him away!

He was quiet again, I assumed he was thinking. "I don't think you're a bad person." Oh Jim, if only you knew. "I'm no stranger to complicated relationships, I don't expect anyone to be perfect. I know what it's like to be hurt by people in the past, it can leave scars. But I have my own issues too, trust me, you're not alone in that." He let out an awkward laugh and ran his fingers through his hair again.

Push him away, Alice! "Jim, if you knew me you wouldn't be saying those things. You don't know the things I've done… the things I did to survive. I…" I trailed off not wanting to say anything incriminating. I tipped my head back, searching the stars for help. I was so confused, how much have I told him? What is he thinking about me?

"The past is the past, it only matters how we move on. You don't have to change your mind. I'll be here." He moved to my side of the rail to leave. I shifted away, fidgeting with the hair in my face. He looked my way one more time before he dropped over the side and was quickly out of sight.

Did that go well? He respected my answer and backed off accordingly but I don't think it had scared him off like I had hoped. If anything, it may have only supported his idea that I'm some wounded Siblub pup, all soft and emotional. Hopefully that worked in my advantage and not against me. It didn't sound like he was going to cut all ties and leave me at the mercy of the shifty crew. I think Brent had stopped scrutinizing my every move because Jim had said something but I wasn't sure. All of her actions were strictly protocol and I had no doubt she would end me in a second if she found me out my secret. In that regard, I wanted Jim to stay as close as possible. He wouldn't pry and be suspicious. But still a threat, I reminded myself.

I rubbed my face one more time before heading down to the deck. Relief was a welcome change to all the other emotions I had been feeling today. I was still exhausted so I headed off to my bunk even though it was still early. It took me at least another hour to actually fall asleep but when I did, I enjoyed a dreamless night.

A couple days later I heard we were approaching another planet. Although it was the smallest one we had yet to encounter I heard the rumors that it was at least a class R or maybe even a class D. Class L was uninhabited with the exception of vegetation and class R included non-sentient lifeforms, usually animals and the like. But class D made me nervous. Class D had all of the features of L and R but had the possibility of sentient beings. Whether that meant it had been settled at some point or if it was indigenous life, it didn't really matter. Either way, the mission would be at least three days long and it would be a larger landing crew.

Every meal in the mess hall brought more whispers of treasure or curses or potential battles. They didn't concern me that much until I heard that Jim was bound to be on that mission as captain. Nothing was confirmed yet but there were a thousand reasons he was needed on the ground and even more that Mariano and I would be here. I couldn't expect myself to be able to keep Jim out of danger completely but knowing that I was entirely helpless made me worry.

Jim can handle tough situations, I reminded myself. He's gotten this far without your help, mostly, so we have no reason to panic. He's smart and quick and a lot stronger than you so he'll be fine, right? I'm sure he'll be back before we know it.

I had slept past the dinner bell and I lost my balance trying to shove my boots on so quickly. My hands slammed into the wall as I caught myself. I pounded out the door and started running for supper. I was just clattering down the mess stairs when I froze, heat rushing to my face. The captain and first mate were clearly in the middle of briefing the crew when I had noisily interrupted. Unfortunately, they were standing right at the bottom steps while talking so every eye was conveniently trained on me at this point. I felt like I was dying of embarrassment as I composed myself and walked to the back of the hall and sank into a bench. I wanted to melt into the shadows like Morph never to be seen again.

Eventually Jim started speaking again and all those eyes slowly drifted away from me. I caught one of the spacers at my table by the sleeve and muttered, "How long have they been going? Did I miss a lot?"

The squat, almost toad-like spacer glanced at the first mate who was still glaring in our direction before leaning over to me and whispering, "Not too much, they're still going over the details of the landing."

"Have they announced the crew yet?"

"Yeah, that was the first thing they did. Don't worry, you weren't on it." He gave me a friendly nod before turning away.

I stopped my frustrated sigh halfway through and tried to focus. I'd have to ask about the crew later. Blast it, Alice. You're a terrible example for the crew. That didn't help Brent like us either. Do better.

I shifted uncomfortably as Brent took over the briefing. She walked the crew through technical details of crew functions on and off the ground while the mission was underway. Since it would be such a large crew going below, all the spacers up here would be spread thin over too many tasks. Everyone was going to have to pull double shifts to keep the ship running smoothly. It was clear that as quartermasters, the others and I would have more responsibility than usual. Brent was going to go over specifics with us later so we could pass them on to the crew below us. Jim pitched in with the last encouragement to keep up the moral Brent lost. Once the crew seemed to be in better spirits about the challenge we had ahead of us, we were split. Ground crew with Jim, quartermasters and midshipmen with Brent, and the rest dismissed.

I tried to appear present as Brent started speaking but I couldn't help looking at the ground crew, trying to see who was there. Mariano elbowed me sharply in the ribs, drawing my attention back to the first mate. As usual, her eyes were somehow on fire while also stabbing ice into my soul. It was quite evident to everyone present that she was irritated by me.

Brent straightened out her waistcoat and adjusted her jacket sleeves as she started speaking. "As you should know," another glare at me. "We shall be arriving at what is known as 'Maliencorr' in approximately forty-eight hours. The captain will be taking the selected crew down for an exploration mission that could last up to three and a half days. On it, they shall be collecting samples, assessing the terrain, documenting lifeforms, and bringing any information useful to Her Majesty and her empire back to our ship.

"Due to a large portion of our crew being out of commission, more duties will be placed on our shoulders. Blamey, you will continue your allotted work as well as assume a temporary second mate position. You will have authority over the crew with the exception of myself. I expect you to be a point person and lead the crew well.

"Mariano, you will have reduced hours in the control cabin and will take over Owen's command as well as a part of Hadrianis' in her absence. I have the confidence that you will take over the watch and sails with expert command.

"Jillian, you and Carter will ensure all of the necessary functions of the ship continue. I have you working closely with the galley as well as the laundry and the other smaller divisions of the Nebula." Brent cleared her throat and straightened her uniform one more time before turning away. Everyone exchanged tense, confused looks because she clearly hadn't addressed my position. No one else was going to stick their neck out so it was up to me.

"Brent! What about me?" I tried to say as politely as possible.

Her short hair ruffled as her head snapped back. "What did you just say, spacer?"

My face hardened in irritation. "What about my duties, Ma'am?" I had to try really hard to not roll my eyes.

"Well, spacer," She practically spit out. "You will be covering Mariano's shift while he is preoccupied with his other tasks."

"That's it? Everyone is pulling more than their weight, I can do more."

Another glare. "If I need you spacer, I know where to find you." She spun on her heel and left the mess hall.

The spacers around me shot somewhat sympathetic looks but avoided getting entangled whatever was happening between Brent and I. Exasperated, I turned to Mari. "I can do more! You're basically running half the ship, you're going to burn out. That won't help anyone."

He grimaced, rubbing his symmetrical face with his flawless hand. "I wouldn't mess with her Alice. I'm sure she has her reasons, Jim probably weighed in on it too. Just don't push her, please."

"How am I the one pushing her? She's been on my back since day one. I never know what I'm doing wrong. She doesn't give me any explanation, she just glares at me. Okay, okay, I was late just now but I don't get what her issue is with me."

"Look, I don't know anymore than you do but the next week will go a lot smoother if you keep your head down and not stir the Rabid Piknarls nest. I think Brent can sting just as hard and as fast. Anyway, it's still my shift so I have to go." He gave me a pat on the shoulder as he turned to go.

I sighed, "Thanks Mariano, I'll try to follow your advice." That was the last thing I wanted to do but he was right, I had to keep my head down.

I rubbed my face harder than necessary and looked around the mess hall. I was alone, the ground crew must have finished their briefing before us. I wandered out on deck to find a friendly face to ask about the landing crew but the deck was pretty deserted. Thanks to that nap, I was anything but tired. Thinking about what I could do, I settled on reading. I walked up to the stateroom and knocked. Nothing. I knocked one more time just to be sure and entered. Empty. I was slightly disappointed but drifted over to the bookshelves nonetheless. There were a lot to choose, the titles spanned anywhere from On the Life and Nature of the Trilibees, to The Contactium Cluster, What You Need to Know, to Martellus the Vicious: a History. I was torn between something interesting or something useful, I decided on useful. I scanned the selves for what I was looking for. Circuitry and Wiring was my ultimate choice. I knew what I was doing when it came to fixing the technical parts of the ship but I still didn't know any of the correct terms for the various components.

Not particularly looking forward to this read, I stepped back on the deck. Still no one was around. I thought of where I could read and settled on my usual in the shrouds. Whenever I had to carry something up with me, typically a weapon, I had always gripped it in my teeth but I hesitated about biting the beautiful leather bound book. I decided to shove it in the belt around my waist and hope that it wouldn't slip out.

I pulled myself about a quarter of the way up and settled in while thoroughly enjoying the breeze. My hair whipped around my face and it was difficult to keep the pages in one place. In hindsight, that may not have been the best place to read since I could barely see the text but I worked with it. The format of the book was frustrating because I had to read the description of every component before I could recognize it and learn its name. There were occasional diagrams and sketches but the labels meant nothing to me and they were hard to recognize without color.

I was still struggling with the wire section when I heard a door open below me. I looked down to see who had walked up to the base of the rigging and grinned when I saw it was Jim. I stuffed the book into the back of my trousers and started climbing down.

"Why are you still awake?" He laughed as I hit the ground.

"Can't sleep, I slept all afternoon like a idiot."

"Is that why you were late?" He asked, trying not to laugh..

I flushed and I was glad for the light dim. "Yes, I'm really sorry about that." I said so embarrassed I turned around and leaned over the side of the ship, watching the stars below us. I felt Jim do the same.

"It's not the first time someone's been late, hellfire, I've been late more than a few times and for more important things too." He laughed. "Did Brent catch you up?"

"No, and I would've lost my hide if I had asked." I winced, there was that pirate slang again. I moved on quickly, "It seems like she has no shortage of reasons to hate me these days so I didn't press her."

"Well I know you're not the only one she's hard on. She's a real fan of protocol and rules. I think she's still bothered by not captaining this mission so maybe she's miffed that you have so much control without 'earning' it per se. I think you've done an excellent job with everything you've been assigned to. I thought you might just be a civilian on this voyage but you have proved yourself to be a useful, intelligent, and brave spacer that is more than capable of any task given to you. I don't have any doubts about you, especially in your abilities."

I took a sidelong glance at him without turning my head and noticed that he was still looking at the stars nonchalantly. That statement wasn't remarkable for him. I could think of little else. Oh Jim, you really don't know what you're talking about. You should be throwing me overboard, eliminating a pirate, doing your job.

"Ha, that's funny. If you actually meant it, you'd be the first person to say that to me." I tried to brush it off as a joke but it came out all wrong. I pasted a false smile on my face and looked over at him.

There was a sad, almost tired look in his eyes that made me feel uncomfortable. "I'm sorry you've been hurt so much."

Now I was really uncomfortable. Could he stop being so sympathetic, please? I forced another laugh to mask how choked up I was. "Hey, it's no big deal, everyone gets hurt. It's inevitable and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Life is just pain, Jim."

He turned back to the stars. "I used to think that too."

"Huh, what changed?"

"I decided I didn't want pain to define me, I wanted to live on my terms. I haven't forgotten the pain but I'm moving on. That only changed when I started to let people in, you know." He finished with a gentle nudge from his elbow to mine.

I jerked away. Don't let him get close, Alice. "That's a nice thought but I just can't afford to think that way. I've never been able to trust anyone, even as a kid. I don't think I'm able to let anyone in even if I wanted to." I hung my head, this was dangerous and exhausting.

"Hmm, I thought we were getting somewhere. I trust you." I knew he was facing me now so I stayed hanging over the rail and inched away slightly.

"Jim, you don't know me. You shouldn't say that." My head was screaming at me to shut up but my heart was taking over currently. I just want to let him down gently and leave him for good.

"Then tell me! I want to know, I want to understand. I wish you could trust someone. You deserve to be safe." I heard him sigh. I hoped it was out of frustration so he would move on.

I finally stood up but I still didn't look at him. "Jim, just stop. I can't do that, not now. Not with you, there's nothing you can do to change that." I tried to laugh it off and smile at him. It didn't work. "Thanks though. Hey, don't die on the mission. I won't be there to save you."

I tried to laugh again and punched his arm lightly as I walked by. I glanced back to see him sitting on the edge of the ship, face turned to the sky.