Delphine
August 2007
Delphine finds the last week incredibly distracting. Looking at Cosima, reminds her of touching Cosima. Of being touched by Cosima. She makes mistakes. She forgets things. Their last group of campers don't get enough attention, at least in comparison. Delphine suspects this last batch of girls are convinced she's very absentminded, or worse. Though she does her job the best she is able. She sleeps even less than she did the first few weeks, when she's not in Cosima's arms, she lays awake wanting to be. Love has made her a fool. An absolute fool, and she lets it.
Katie, for her part, seems unbothered about whatever there is between her and Cosima. Katie hasn't said a word about it and keeps talking to them very much like normal. Though she hasn't offered them an evening hour to themselves again either. She listens to Cosima, and she lets it go. Or tries to. She has to try.
One night left. Delphine tells herself. They sit in the hallway like they always do. Cosima continues to chat casually, leaning in to her shoulder just a little more this last week. They slowly make their way back to their shared room.
"Tomorrow my aunt is coming to get me." Delphine mumbles out, as she turns to change. She quickly pulls on her pyjamas. She still turns away to change, it's silly now. It isn't like Cosima hasn't seen everything anyways.
"I know. You've been texting. 4 pm." Cosima sighs from somewhere behind her. "I'll probably spend one last night here and drive home to San Francisco Saturday morning. Melissa said we have until 10am to get out of here. And that gives me plenty of time."
"That makes sense." Delphine nods. She tries her best to hold back tears, not to cry. And she succeeds, but only until she's laying in bed across from a still-undressing Cosima who seems to be trying to give her a show. They haven't touched much, Delphine's choice. Cosima seemed very willing to take risks. To have her with far too thin walls and too many people who could overhear.
"What? What is it?"
"Hey delicious." Cosima teases her. Cosima stands in front of her, in nothing but her underwear. The blue fabric barely covering her sex.
She blushes. "Is that what you're thinking of?" It had only really happened twice. But it was memorable. Cosima humming and moaning into her sex wasn't something she was going to forget in a hurry. She wonders if Cosima's fixation was because she was a lesbian, or if this was something that was uniquely Cosima. Either way, Delphine wasn't complaining.
"Yes." Cosima giggles. "We could… if you want to."
"Cosima…" Delphine sighs. "It's not that I don't want to… it's just…" She'd turned her down twice this week. And she knew it was getting to Cosima. But the last thing either of them needed was getting caught and or fired.
"You don't want anyone to be able to hear us." Cosima finishes with a sigh. "So cuddle me."
She yields, opening her arms and allowing a mostly naked Cosima to crawl into her arms. It is only a few drawn out minutes before they are kissing. Tension mounting in her body too rapidly, Delphine gives in. She begins to stroke the sides of Cosima's body, to touch her breasts, to graze fingers over sensitive ribs.
"Mmmm….you are in the mood." Cosima smiles wider if anything.
"I am." Delphine admits.
"We will just be very very quiet." Cosima promises her.
Cosima's fingers go to her sex almost instantly, stroking her beneath her pyjama bottoms.
"Cosima…"
"You're so wet." Cosima grins at her, and keeps touching her. Keeps stimulating her. She is not sure what will break first, her body, or the emotions that well up violently inside her. She muffles her cries of pleasure into her hand or a pillow. Ensures no one will hear them.
"Cosima… Je t'aime." Delphine squeaks out, and feels Cosima work her firmly, trying to bring their encounter to a close before they make too much noise. They are both breathing heavily, both stifling their moans. Finally, she orgasms, and relaxes back on the bed, Cosima cuddling instantly into her side. Not making any movement to touch herself, or rub herself to climax, at least not this time.
"How are you feeling?" Cosima asks her softly. "Was that OK?"
She bursts into tears instead of answering. It is too much. Far too much. "I don't want to leave you." Delphine admits when she can speak again.
"It's OK." Cosima tells her, laying little kisses on her collarbone.
"But everything ends tomorrow." Delphine panics. She is not ready to lose Cosima. Not ready to let her go.
"It changes… it doesn't end." Cosima argues. "We… we shared something… almost sacred. You know?"
"Sacred?" Delphine blinks. That was not a word she expected to hear. Not referring to this. Profound surely, but not sacred. That sounded far too much like religion. Far too much like a line one person fed another to brush off their feelings.
"Sorry. I just.. I feel kind of strongly about sex being this… full body-mind-soul experience. But more than that too." Cosima shrugs above her, still smiling.
"We did." Delphine finds herself agreeing, stroking her new lover's face.
"Plus… I can come back. I can drive back. Assuming your aunt and uncle will let you have a friend over."
"They might." Delphine acknowledges. "Especially on a weekend. My uncle works a lot. And my aunt… she has a full time job, and a full social calendar." They might be able to get away with it. At least seeing Cosima would be something, even if she couldn't have her.
"Are you off weekends?" Cosima asks hopefully.
"Mostly. Yes." Delphine sniffs. "And I will ask if you can come."
"Then I will come to you. And I'll make love to you again then." Cosima promises. "This isn't the end."
She captures her lover's perfect mouth in a kiss, gently running her hands over her body. It doesn't have to be the end. Not yet. The feel of Cosima's soft olive skin beneath her hands delights her, her pale hands on her lover's body. It excites her, and she is soon kissing Cosima again, hands going lower.
"Delphine…" Cosima breaks away to moan lowly into her ear. She lets herself touch tentatively through fabric and finds that it is more than enough. Cosima moves in to her, grinding against her hand through dampened fabric. It's more difficult than she thought, but Cosima looks thrilled and she must continue. Must get Cosima over the edge, must return the favour. Must show her she can give her nearly as much in return.
Cosima comes more easily than expected and Delphine finds herself relieved, satisfied, and she gathers her lover into her arms. She thinks of having more, of undressing Cosima completely and pushing inside of her. Thinks of letting Cosima do the same to her; thinks of them writhing in shared pleasure. Her fantasies are of having everything she can have. But Delphine only clings, kissing softly.
"That felt really good." Cosima murmurs. "You surprised me."
"Good." Delphine whispers, holding tight to Cosima's body. She won't be letting her go tonight. She must sleep in her arms, the small bed be damned.
In the morning, she pries herself out of Cosima's arms, laying a soft kiss against her lips. Her alarm sounds again and she turns it off.
"Morning." Cosima blearily looks back up at her. The sounds of girls laughing and getting ready already fill the air. Cosima groans and they both know they need to get up.
"Good morning." Delphine gives Cosima one last kiss and quickly gets herself ready. There's no time for a shower, but surely they don't smell of each other that intensely. She feels like she smells like Cosima, but no one else notices.
They get through the morning, the afternoon has the campers playing games outside which she has to supervise. Cosima had somehow gotten out of it. They say goodbye to this last group, and she finds that she has done a good enough job, even if her mind has been wandering more.
She barely sees Cosima, so hectic getting her things together and rushing downstairs to meet her aunt. Emma and Thomas are in the car, both jumping around excitedly to tell her about their camps. About the two weeks of vacation they spent with just their parents. And Delphinee eases herself into the passenger seat.
She thinks of Cosima, and notes a text message ping her phone. But she says nothing. This must remain her secret, for at least a little longer.
"How was it?" Aunt Lisa asks her. "I think five weeks was too much really. We'll readjust for next year. Maybe three weeks of camps? Vacationing without you was harder."
"It was fine. I liked it. I made a friend too, Cosima." Delphine offers simply. Maybe she should have showered. But she will when she returns home.
"We missed you!" Emma tells her excitedly. "Mom says we'll have three weeks left with you before you go."
"Almost." Delphine corrects. She'll have to depart late August to be home in time to go back to university. "But we will fit in as much fun as we can."
"Good." Thomas tells her, his little feet kicking the back of her seat. "I want to go to the zoo."
"We will go." Delphine promises quickly. She gets back to making her list of things to do with the kids. Surely she can manage this, the rest of one last summer. And maybe… maybe next as well as long as no one finds out about Cosima. She has to be a different Delphine now. She realizes. Has to pretend everything is very normal. Has to pretend she's not constantly looking at her phone for a word from Cosima.
2018
"Merde…" Delphine mumbles between kisses, perfect kissing that stimulates her far too easily. Cosima's hands are on her hips, holding her close and she shudders in response. She is rapidly becoming aroused like a teenage idiot and Cosima is doing nothing but encouraging it. It is far too familiar.
"Delphine…" Cosima moans her name, and Delphine believes that Cosima is making those sounds on purpose. That she is moaning her name to elicit a reaction from her, to make her more aroused, more willing. Cosima kisses along her neck, whimpering into her skin and it is too much. Far too much.
Delphine manages to get out a single question. "Why?"
"Because I want you." Cosima keeps her voice low, almost hoarse. "Can I take this off you?" Cosima's hands toy with the hem of her shirt. Cosima looks somehow playful, and she giggles at the thought.
Delphine considers a moment before answering. "Not yet." She catches Cosima's hands in her own, but holds them. She doesn't want to stop, not entirely. But she does want to slow down.
"No?" Cosima lays a few gentle kisses along her jaw before she backs up. Giving a little more space. And she finds herself looking at Cosima, really letting herself look. Cosima's not even dressed sexy. Delphine muses, well, no more so than usual. Instead she wears harem pants and a couple layered tanks under an open sweater.
"I do like you." Delphine breathes out. She should at least try to answer the question. Cosima does it for her, for whatever reason. Maybe her teenage self hadn't been as stupid as she once believed.
"I know." Cosima pulls back enough to smile at her. "So… are you like… good to go? Are you hungry? Should we get food?"
"I guess we should eat first." Delphine decides. They could at least make a show of a date if this was likely to happen anyways.
"OK. I can order some food… I guess I should jump in the shower too… if you don't mind." Cosima offers. "I… I did just land back in Toronto like… two hours ago?"
"Alright." Delphine looks to Cosima.
"I'll order us some Indian food. All vegetarian." Cosima smiles. "Is that good with you?"
"It sounds delicious." Delphine agrees readily. She watches Cosima order the food in via app, and place the order for delivery.
"Do you like… want to join me?" Cosima asks. "We've probably got 45 minutes until the food is here."
"Non." Delphine shakes her head.
"Suit yourself." Cosima walks away, clearly swinging her hips more than necessary in an effort to tempt her. It makes Delphine giggle again.
She meanders along the large bookshelves and smiles at what she finds. She picks up several books, some familiar, some not. Cosima is well-read, Delphine smiles. That she knew already. Remembers the piles of books in Cosima's parents' house. Remembers more than she wants to admit. She sits on the small loveseat, tries to get comfortable. She's leafing through what looks like an interesting book when Cosima returns.
Cosima emerges, wearing a silk robe, her dark dreads down and dampened. "Hey."
"Hi." Delphine turns to look at her. She tries not to react to the sight, tries to be calm. But Cosima is winning.
"We still have time." Cosima prompts, one hand going to the tie.
"Are you offering to disrobe for me?" Delphine raises an eyebrow. She isn't used to that. She's used to be the object of desire, of lust. To putting on the show…to enticing someone else, to manipulating the situation so she could get what she wanted from him. The idea of Cosima trying to do the same for her intrigues her.
"Yeah. I am." Cosima smirks happily. "We can… do whatever you want. We still have like… 35 minutes until our food shows up."
"So much for taking it slow." Delphine cannot resist pointing it out.
"Yeah. I am kind of impulsive." Cosima settles down next to her for a minute. "I don't usually do taking it slow. But I'm trying."
"Did you ever think of me?" Delphine finds herself asking as she lets herself take in Cosima. Where purple fabric meets skin, and when Cosima crosses her legs her suspicion that Cosima is wearing nothing but a robe and her glasses are confirmed.
"Like… when?" Cosima tilts her head leaning in. "Like since we met again? Or…?"
"Before."
"Umm for the first couple years. Yes. After that? Not often. Just… rarely something would remind me of you and I'd think about it a little. But I am pretty focused in the present, or I was."
"You were with other girls." Delphine points out, trying to conceal an old hurt that shouldn't bother her anymore. "You were with another girl before I'd been gone a month. You didn't even try to hide it from me."
"Yes." Cosima nods. "I've had some girlfriends and plenty of lovers. But… nothing really stretching out to long term. Nothing longer than a couple of years. And that only happened like...maybe twice."
"Do you even want long term?" Delphine finds herself asking and wincing at how it sounds.
"Yes. Absolutely." Cosima tells her insistently. "I wasn't ready for what you wanted then… I don't think you were either."
"And what did I want then?" Delphine tenses a little. Cosima had clearly made her own assumptions. But she wondered just how true they were.
"Me. More commitment than either of us really had to give." Cosima suggests with a shrug. "But it's different now."
"It is." Delphine has to agree. Cosima is right. The situation is radically different now. "But we… we are not so different, I think." So much of them is the same, Delphine rationalizes. Certainly they have matured, had different experiences, developed new interests. But… was the core of a person so ...mutable? Cosima, at her core, must be very much the same as she remembers. The good and the bad.
"No. We're just older." Cosima leans in. "Did you think about me?"
"For the first few years. And then I tried hard not to think about you ever again." She can tell Cosima that much. It is true after all.
"Fair." Cosima nods. "And now?"
"Multiple times a day. Everyday. It's...reminiscing mostly." Delphine brushes it off. "But the more time we spend together, the more I remember. Things I had thought I'd forgotten come rushing back."
"With some heartbreak. Clearly." Cosima lowers her head only briefly.
"Only a little."
"Delphine… I disappear for five days and you ask Scott for my address." Cosima points out. "And I am so not complaining. But … this is mutual."
"It is." Delphine acknowledges again. "I really like you… I know I could… love you again." Maybe she's said too much. Maybe this is all idiotic nonsense. But right now, she just wants to stay with Cosima. Wants to settle in and get comfortable. Wants to wonder what an alternative life would have been like if she'd embraced this fully. If Cosima had wanted her then. Or if... if she'd found someone else.
"So love me." Cosima is delighted and leans in again. A ding from Cosima's phone alerts her that their food is close. "And I have to go get the food."
"Do you want me to go?" Delphine offers. She's dressed after all. It makes far more sense for her to go.
She fetches the food, and quickly makes her way back up the stairs. Cosima arranges the small table in the corner and they move to eat. Cosima serves her, but doesn't mention anything about getting dressed.
"This is delicious." Delphine comments, helping herself to more dal, more eggplant, more vegetable curry.
"It's fabulous." Cosima reiterates helping herself. "The restaurant is nice too… we'll have to go sometime. You seriously should try the naan."
"OK." Delphine keeps eating, suddenly feeling a little quieter.
"Are you ashamed to be seen in public with me?"
"Non. Of course not." She couldn't be ashamed of that. Cosima was lovely. But, she knows not everyone would be kind about them. Knows too, there are places where the things they used to do together are illegal. And others still where it would get them assaulted. Toronto though, Toronto was likely quite safe.
"But… I am talking about an actual date. One where it is super obvious to everyone paying attention that we are a couple. Of course, I could be kissing you and some people still wouldn't notice we aren't just friends." Cosima points out. "How do you feel about that?"
"I'm not sure." Delphine sighs.
"Well… we can take it slow."
Delphine snorts with laughter. "Cosima, you are in a ... peignoir. It is practically lingerie." Slow didn't really seem to be in Cosima's vocabulary. At least not in the traditional sense.
"Yeah. And when we're done eating, I'll take it off for you. If you want." Cosima offers.
They eat, and they turn to the safer subjects, their research. The lab. It feels good, Delphine acknowledges. To feel so seen. So wanted. And Cosima… Cosima is mostly wonderful. Cosima lets her go on and on about her plans for her study without complaint. Cosima asks questions and doesn't get disgusted or awkward. Cosima gets her. Truly. And it is the most comfortable she has felt in years.
"So… where are you going to find your control group?" Cosima asks partway through Delphine explaining her experimental design. The food mostly finished in front of them.
"Honestly? I have been talking to Dr. Yamashita. She's suggested Ottawa. The public health pilot programs are run there, their breastfeeding rates are much higher than the rest of the country. Whether that's due to the population or to the programs I cannot be sure. But I can likely find enough exclusive breastfeeders to get my samples from."
"To the capital… for baby poop." Cosima quips and then laughs. "I'll clean up." And she watches Cosima gather their plates, close up the leftovers and put everything away.
"Eventually. I won't start until next year." Delphine smiles. "But it'll be interesting and I can design things bilingually, it would work well in that area."
"So I've heard." Cosima nods. "I like… never hear French here."
"What about me?"
"Other than you." Cosima concedes. "But we've always mostly spoken English."
"Because your French is rudimentary." Delphine points out. "I don't think you could handle me in French." Not at a high enough level, Delphine thinks. As far as she knows Cosima only has several words in French.
"Oh is it?" Cosima reaches out a hand and leads her back to the small couch. "J'ai envie de toi."
Delphine's eyebrows raise. "You… you remember me saying that?"
"Yep." Cosima grins. "And I consulted WordReference not that long ago to confirm."
"What else do you have?"
"Tu es belle, Delphine." Cosima tells her, her accent thick and clunky around the words. But it still makes her smile.
"Et?" Delphine prompts her.
"J'ai tombée amoureuse de toi." Cosima drops her voice. "Je veux te faire l'amour."
Delphine laughs at first, but then sees the hurt playing across the familiar face of her former lover.
"Did I say something wrong?" Cosima asks softly. "I… I'm trying."
"I know you are." Delphine reaches out a hand, she strokes Cosima's shoulder softly. There is something still there, Delphine decides, something beautiful and rare. Something worth trying to have again.
"What do you want Delphine?" Cosima asks softly. "Do you want me to put on a movie? Do… you want tea? How do you want to do this?" Cosima looks at her, brown eyes softy and probing.
"What do you want?" Delphine stretches next to Cosima on the couch. "Really?" She doesn't want Cosima to make this all about her. Not again. It has to be...equal. She has to give more than her teenage self ever did.
"I want to drop to my knees and eat you out." Cosima admits. "I want you gushing down my chin, telling me how hot it is. How much you want me."
She lets out a long breath. She had asked after all. What had she been expecting? Delphine pauses before countering. "What if I say no sex?"
"Why would you?" Cosima wonders aloud.
"It's a hypothetical question." Delphine assures her.
"Then we wait." Cosima retorts but she sounds tired. "We can still date. We can still kiss. And I will wait until you want it. We can still watch a movie. You can stay over… and I'll keep my hands and my lips to myself. Just.. spend the night."
"Alright." Delphine takes a breath and reaches to untie Cosima's robe. She lets the fabric pool behind her revealing her body to her eyes. And she looks, she lets herself look wondering how it will feel now. If it will still excite her to see Cosima's body. Cosima looks more or less the same to her eyes. Rounded breasts with brown nipples, her lean muscled form. The one notable difference makes her laugh, the groomed thatch of hair between Cosima's thighs.
"What?" Cosima asks, smiling. "What is it?"
"Nothing. You… you look good." Delphine responds. She leans in to kiss Cosima but is shy about where to put her hands. Cosima doesn't seem bothered though, she seems to take it all in stride.
"Mmm… so how do you want to do this?" Cosima hums at her between kisses. "Like this?"
Cosima is eager, and in minutes somehow she has ended up under a naked Cosima, pressed back into the sofa. She should be doing something, should be… something and yet she lets Cosima lead. That is how it always was before.
"OK." She answers back, and finds herself shuddering into Cosima's kisses. Responding to her touch. Responding to the feel of Cosima's skin, Cosima's ribs, under her fingers.
"Are you scared?" Cosima whispers to her, and when she nods she's kissed softly again.
"A little." She's nervous more than anything. Aside from the handful of nights she'd spent with Cosima she hadn't done this. And even then… she'd been so stupidly passive. Delphine grimaces at the thought now, she remembers regretting that bitterly in the weeks and months that followed. Remembers thinking if she'd given Cosima more, maybe things would be different.
"Don't be scared, baby." Cosima kisses her again. "I'm not going to hurt you."
Delphine shakes her head. "I know. I'm not worried about that." There never was pain with Cosima, she certainly wouldn't anticipate pain now.
"What are you worried about?" Cosima mumbles up from kissing her neck, she feels strong fingers open the fly of her dress pants.
Delphine makes a small sound, almost like a laugh in her throat. "Being a lousy lesbian." The words fall reluctantly from her mouth, and she suspects it will be true, no matter what she tries to do in return.
"Shh… Don't worry about that." Cosima is practically cooing to her as her fingers slip past the flimsy fabric barrier of her panties. Cosima toys briefly with her pubic hair and then slips down making better contact. Cosima must feel how aroused she is, but she says nothing, just keeps moving.
And Delphine cannot worry. She cannot even think, not when Cosima is doing that with her fingers. Softly trapping her clit between them as she strokes gently.
"Aaaaah." Delphine whines dropping her head. Cosima remembers she realizes. She must. Maybe this was going to be easier than she thought.
"Like this?" Cosima mumbles, rubbing softly again. And it's unexpected. Cosima is hovering above her naked, Cosima is exposed and she is not, and yet… Cosima is having her. Not the other way around.
"Cosima…" Delphine sighs pulling her closer. Cosima feels better than she remembers, and maybe it is better. Cosima moves with her, against her, and makes noises. Beautiful low noises that stir even more desire.
"Oh fuck." Cosima sighs, and somehow she manages to capture Cosima's lips again, she tries to give as much back as she can. Moves with her, kisses her deeply… but Cosima isn't just teasing. And her body responds faster than she'd like. The tension builds and eventually she rips her mouth away from Cosima's, only to arch up and release with a loud cry. Her heart responds too, as she looks up at Cosima above her.
It is admittedly, Delphine thinks as she catches her breath, the best sex she's had in years. And Cosima wasn't even inside her yet.
"You feel so good." Delphine strokes Cosima's skin, trying to reassure her. "I… You were wonderful." She censors herself just a little. This may be a second chance, but she's not a young girl anymore. She cannot go and confess her love to Cosima just because she had an orgasm. She needs to be a reasonable adult. Needs to not totally abandon her better judgement.
"You feel amazing." Cosima moans, capturing her mouth in another kiss as she adjusts their position to straddle her. She can feel the heat of Cosima through her clothes, can tell just how much this encounter was already doing for her and the thought is mind-boggling. "Can we take this off you?"
"You win." Delphine admits defeat. "You get to set the pace." She wraps her arms firmly around Cosima, trapping her. She doesn't want to let go, and maybe she never will. At least, she'll have this night. She'll let Cosima try to change her mind if it means more of this.
"Good." Cosima responds. "Because I need more of you."
"You can have anything you want. I will... I will try." Delphine tries to assure her. She won't be lazy this time. Won't be hesitant about anything. Surely… surely she could learn to please Cosima any way the brunette wanted. It didn't have to be complicated as long as Cosima was patient with her.
"I already do. I love you." Cosima looks up at her, using her free hand to stroke blonde curls back from her face. "And… it's not a line, Delphine. I really really love you."