Several moons ago, Smokypaw's POV
"The apprentice's den feels so empty," Grizzlypaw groaned as he stretched nearby. "It'll be nice when the kits join us and Aurorapaw, then we can share apprentice duties."
"Even Nightflower's daughters?" I asked him.
"They just have kit-crushes, they'll get over it when they carry the responsibility of DragonClan," Grizzlypaw explained. "Funny that their brother joins them in the staring, he's probably wondering what they see in me. He's definitely not alone."
"Sure," I looked away at the mention of staring. We hadn't been apprentices for long, but I already found myself captured by the blazing orange fur of Foxtail and the deep blue eyes of Lazuli. And that didn't even compare to the bright sunshine-like pelt and eyes of our leader, Goldenstar, and the way she carried herself. Even a kit could see that she didn't walk with the walk of a leader, but of a young she-cat still discovering the world little by little. It made my heart skip, but I knew that I would carry myself with the strength of many warriors, bringing DragonClan back to its former glory.
But thinking about these she-cats has cost me several catches during the hunting patrols I've been on, and has whisked me away from my plans of one day proving to my parents that I was more than the future mother they saw me as. Even though being face-to-face with my leader wouldn't help my beating heart and whirling thoughts, perhaps speaking to her would help me become the leader I needed to be.
I glanced in my brother's direction, only to see that the den was empty. I jumped on all fours, bolting out into the open and walking towards Goldenstar's den. Goldenstar and Darkheart had their faces leaning close as they whispered words beyond what I could hear for a few moments before they both glanced at me.
"You can go on the morning patrol if you'd like," Darkheart flicked his tail in my direction, his eyes glancing back towards Goldenstar. I took two steps forward.
"That's not what this is about," I spoke up. "I've had thoughts distracting me from hunting and training. If anyone can help me, I figured it'd be the leader and her deputy."
"Oh?" Goldenstar stood up, her face no longer leaning towards her deputy. "Come closer, Smokypaw. We're all ears."
"I've been staring at Foxtail and Lazuli," I admitted. "My heart skips whenever I go on patrol with them, and I don't understand. I can't let these thoughts take over, not when I want to be the best warrior I can be. What do these thoughts mean?"
Both my leader and deputy's eyes widened as they turned towards each other. Darkheart gave a small nod, and Goldenstar turned back to me.
"Smokypaw, what we're about to tell you must stay between the three of us," Goldenstar told me. "Do you promise on your life?"
"I do," I answered before thinking twice.
"Good, I've been told by a very important cat in the afterlife that there will be four cats born with an illness," Goldenstar explained. "An illness of the mind that can be cured with the help of my leadership. And I'm sorry, Smokypaw, but it appears that you're infected."
It felt like my heart sunk to the bottom of my chest, how could I be leader now? But then I processed the promise of a cure to this unknown affliction, and I leaned closer.
"Please, Goldenstar, tell me what to do," I begged.
"These cats will want the unexplainable: toms wanting toms as mates, or in your case, she-cats wanting she-cats as mates," Goldenstar told me. "The cure for you is having a tom's kits, no matter how much your mind tells you otherwise. The mind can deceive you, never forget that."
"And…" Goldenstar took a deep breath. "The other three may not be as willing to come forward as you. So if you want to be the best warrior for DragonClan right now, I have a very special mission for you. That is, if you're willing to accept."
"Yes!" I nearly leapt off my paws, my tail swishing back and forth.
"As one of them, you might be able to spot these cats better," Goldenstar explained. "Identify all three of them, and if they don't change their ways, bring them to me. Can you do that?"
"I can," I nodded to my leader.
Goldenstar purred, her and her deputy leaned closer as they explained the rest of the details to me. Afterwards, Goldenstar gently placed her tail on my shoulder and thanked me for my loyalty and dedication. Stepping back and feeling my face heat up, I nodded and left their den. There stood Aurorapaw nearby, holding a squirrel in her jaws. She gently placed it in front of me and looked at me with bright green eyes.
"What were you and Goldenstar talking about?" Aurorapaw asked.
"Just figuring out how I can help DragonClan become the Clan it once was," I told her. She nodded her head, her tail flicking from side to side.
"Of course, that PhoenixClan battle took a lot out of us," Aurorapaw pointed out.
I thanked her for the piece of fresh-kill she saved for us to share, and said nothing more on the matter. Given that she's been by my side since she became an apprentice, I considered confiding to her about my special mission. But I was a cat of my word, and what if she didn't agree with me? My whole mission would be for nothing. But when the dust settled, and I stood before my Clan as Smokystar, then I would tell her what had to be done. What sacrifices had to be made.
I licked the remaining bits of squirrel meat from my jaws, and ended up going on two patrols before I walked into the apprentice's den with Aurorapaw following closely behind me. I glanced at Foxtail, her head close to Mistbreeze, and felt a sharp twist in my chest. But at the same time, I was relieved. She wasn't infected like I was, and hopefully another infected wouldn't draw me in and pull me away from my goal. And if they tried?
StarClan save their soul after I'm done with them.
My eyes flashed open, but as soon I saw the blue starry sky and the clear field beneath my paws, I knew I wasn't in DragonClan camp. I remember my parents mentioning a place called StarClan where the good cats went. I flinched as my thoughts were interrupted, a white she-cat with soft yellow eyes walked into the open. My heart started thumping in its cage, and I froze. Was this a test? Could the infected walk in my dreams?
"Worry not, Smokypaw," the cat purred. "I'm Songpool, and I used to be a warrior from RiverClan. I've come here to assure you that the she-cats that love other she-cats aren't infected, and are just like any other warrior."
"Then who was the cat that spoke to Goldenstar?" I asked her.
"A very evil cat from the Dark Forest," Songpool shivered.
"Tell me, Songpool," I stepped closer to her. "How do I become leader of DragonClan?"
Songpool jerked back, and stared at the grass as her ears flattened. After several moments, Songpool spoke once more.
"Y'see Smokypaw," Songpool explained. "There's cats born to be leader, and then there's cats that are meant for other roles. Many of us can see different outcomes that haven't happened yet, and in all of those, Goldenstar can't be a suitable leader."
"And?"
"And...you can't be one either," Songpool frowned. "Smokypaw, you'll find love and happiness if you let it come to you, but following that path would only lead to suffering."
I felt my blood run cold as I stared at Songpool, a thought crossing my mind.
"Songpool...do you like she-cats?" I asked her.
"Of course, I have a wonderful mate named Voletooth," Songpool purred.
"I see now, you want to save our kind by killing my dream," I sank my claws into the grass, never taking my eyes off Songpool's wide-eyed expression. "Songpool, we're not as important as the whole of DragonClan. And DragonClan needs me as leader. I'll be able to protect every cat and make DragonClan the strongest, but until then, I have to do what I must to get there. You understand, don't you?"
"Smokypaw, you know what will happen," Songpool begged me. "StarClan wants you and the others to be as you are, and not change for DragonClan. Please."
"I'll see what I can do, but my goal comes first," I puffed my chest, turning my tail to Songpool as I walked away. As I glanced out of the corner of my eye, I saw Songpool burying her face in her forepaws, sobs escaping her body. A sleek dark brown she-cat with amber eyes walked towards her, pressing her nose against Songpool's shoulder. As I stopped walking and stared at the two of them, the dark brown she-cat looked up at me with a sharp glare. I looked away, walking even faster until I could no longer hear those wretched sobs. Not like that would make me feel any doubts about my goal, it would be worth it no matter what.
I didn't feel my heart twisting at all.
It had been several moons since the mission I had started, and part of my work had already been cut out for me. Crowpaw came to Darkheart and confessed, and Darkheart set him up with Aurorapaw and even became the young tom's new father. It brought some warmth to my heart that something good came out of this, but there was still two cats either unaware or unwilling to speak up. And with all this time passed, who knows what they've been up to behind our backs.
Not that I didn't understand their actions; a tom by the name of Moonblaze kept eyeing me like a predator in the distance. It made me feel sick to my stomach, and I could barely handle being close to him at the Gathering when Goldenstar made me accompany him. Fortunately, Goldenstar didn't punish me when he told her how I snapped at him afterwards, but she told me that it was important to find a tom so I could have his kits. The night before the final assessment, I talked to Goldenstar.
"Can't I have kits with one of Meredith's toms?" I asked when we were alone in her den. "You could try and get me to be with Moonblaze in front of the other apprentices, and then I can ask to be with one of Meredith's sons instead. Moonblaze is just way too old for my liking."
"We will see, you still have to uncover the other infected," Goldenstar told me. "Find them as soon as possible, and maybe you won't have to birth any tom's kits."
My heart skipped a beat, but I knew what this was. Another test.
"No, I need the cure, Goldenstar," I told her.
Goldenstar's eyes lit up, and I nearly jolted back as her feathery soft tail brushed against my cheek.
"Good girl~" Goldenstar purred. "Now get some sleep, the final assessment will be here before you know it."
"What if they make me sleep next to Moonblaze?" I asked Aurorapaw as we placed feathers in the warriors' den, the thought sending cold shivers down my back.
"I'd bite him," Aurorapaw responded, causing me to laugh. And then, as I set down the rest of the feathers, I looked at her. In the darkness of the den, she almost looked like Goldenstar.
Stepping forward, imagining her amber eyes and orange stripes, I licked her forehead. Aurorapaw pulled back with wide green eyes. Aurorapaw, I realized with a sharp jolt throughout my body.
"Oh, sorry, I-"
"Never be sorry," Aurorapaw whispered. "Let's, um, get to retrieving fresh-kill for them."
Aurorapaw turned around and bolted out of the warrior's den.
What just happened? Is she…?
I needed to know, so I ran in her direction. By the time I got to her, she already had a dead sparrow beneath one of her paws. I stopped, feeling the wind knock into me.
"Hey," I gasped. "What was that?"
"What are you talking about," Aurorapaw stared down at the sparrow beneath her paw. I had to see if she was one of them, so I had an idea.
"Nevermind," I gave a loud sigh. "If it bothers you that much, I won't touch you again."
I turned around and walked away as slowly as possible.
"Wait, no."
I stopped, my ears perked up as I glanced at my latest suspect over my shoulder.
"It's just, I really don't want to mess up you becoming leader," Aurorapaw admitted. My heart swelled at her words, at least one cat had my back.
"What makes you say that?" I turned around, walking towards Aurorapaw. "You're hunting all the time, listen to every word I say...why would you mess anything up?"
"Promise you won't tell anyone?" Aurorapaw whispered.
"Of course I promise," I was used to keeping false promises at this point.
"I like you, more than I could like any of these toms," Aurorapaw confessed, staring into my eyes.
I felt the world stop around me, my body felt cold all over. The cat that always believed in me was one of the 'infected.' Do I tell Goldenstar? Goldenstar, the name that made my heart beat and blood boil at the same time. I'd never be able to make her mine, but here was a she-cat that didn't look that different from her, confessing her feelings for me. Feeling a plan forming, I walked closer to my fellow apprentice.
"You feel the same way…"
The warrior ceremony came and went as expected, with Goldenstar accepting the compromise I'd previously suggested to her. But I thought back to Songpool, pleading that we didn't change for DragonClan, as well as the twist in my insides at the thought of being with a tom that way. If I could avoid either outcomes happening, I would. And with this plan, I could become leader at the same time! I gave a purr as I approached Auroradawn, with Crowsky turning his back to us and walking away. With my friend's question hanging in the air, I moved fast.
"Hey Smokes, so-"
"No, Rora, let me ask the question," I moved close enough to where our chests were pressing against each other's. "Auroradawn, my closest confidant and future deputy, will you be my mate?"
"Absolutely~"
Too easy.
"And my dearest mate, may I ask you something?"
"Anything."
There it was, the moment where I'd sink my claws into everything Goldenstar did for me. I felt my heart beating fast as several memories of Goldenstar flashed in my mind, some of her and Darkheart. I almost didn't follow through with what I would say next, but then I imagined Smokystar, allowing Auroradawn and many others to live as they pleased with who they pleased. And even though I didn't see Auroradawn as my mate in that vision, StarClan believed that she deserved happiness. And so, I took a deep breath and spoke to her.
"Will you plot with me to kill Goldenstar and Darkheart before Meredith's kits become warriors?"
"Of course I...wait what?" Auroradawn yanked back as if I swiped her, her eyes wide.
"Shh," I purred, pressing my tail against her lips. "You have all night for your answer. You understand, right Rora? I didn't think you'd want to see your mate get raped by Meredith's son...right?"
I slowly removed my tail from her lips as I watched her staring down at the grass, her sides rising and falling like wings on a hummingbird. I had to wait if there was any chance of her cooperating with me; I couldn't imagine any other cat willing to side with me in this daring mission.
"Sm-Smokycloud," Auroradawn stuttered. "What you're asking for is madness. They told me that we have to leave, and now I know why. This is how you want to become the kind, loving leader of DragonClan? With their blood on your paws?"
I felt her words pierce through my fur, she knew exactly why I asked this of her. And yet, the very real possibility of a tom violating me wasn't enough to sway her. This was the she-cat who supposedly was loyal to me through thick and thin?
"You'd rather see me raped?" I growled, staring her down and baring my teeth in spite of my previous approach.
"Dammit Smokycloud, that's not what I said and you know it!" Auroradawn hissed. "We need to leave DragonClan. Me, you, your brother, and Crowsky. Out of here tonight."
Did I miss something?
"Why them?" I asked.
"They're in love, Smokycloud," I whispered.
"They're…" This was it, I had all of them at my paws. I could either double down on my death trap, or run to Goldenstar and expose Auroradawn and Grizzlyheart. The second option was the safer route, yet the longer one. How many nights with a tom would I endure, how many kits would I have, before I could receive nine lives? What if I became an elder by the time Goldenstar, and then Darkheart, died? Then exposing the two would be all for nothing. I clearly didn't have StarClan's help in this, so I knew my only option.
"That's wonderful," I forced out another purr. "Don't you see, Auroradawn? If you can't do this for your mate, do it for them. For yourself."
"Smokycloud, I won't try to stop you," Auroradawn replied. "And I won't leave without you, but I'm telling Grizzlyheart and Crowsky about what StarClan told me."
StarClan, the word left a bitter taste in my mouth. Couldn't they understand that I was trying to save DragonClan? Clearly I wasn't going to get through to the cat I asked to be my mate, not during the vigil, so I got up and began to walk away. The one cat I thought would run to the ends of the land to see me as leader, and she wouldn't bend to my will. She was scared like a lost kit, too misguided by dead cats to see my vision would drown out whatever fear-mongering images they might've shown her.
"Typical," I snarled. "Always thinking about protecting your own tail."
I refused to listen to whatever she had to say next, walking towards Daisyfire and sitting next to her. As Daisyfire sneered at her one-eyed sister, I glanced over to see Auroradawn staring at the full moon. My shoulders slumped, perhaps the quiet would be good for both of us. Clearly murder was never going to be agreeable between us, but if I could find a way to kick those two out...
"I'm expecting kits."
The words shot out from her mouth and straight into my insides, my heart twisting inside my chest as I stared at my leader's bright eyes and her tail snaking around Darkheart's haunches as she turned to look at him. All these conversations to get Auroradawn on board for driving them out, and she's expecting kits. Goldenstar, expecting Darkheart's kits. The cheers and yowls of my Clanmates fell into the background, and as they dispersed, I snuck out of camp and ran into the field.
She'll never be mine.
I stopped at a set of rose bushes, pressing my unsheathed claws against my head as my body started shaking. There was this feeling of shame digging at my insides, how could I feel this way, and still want her gone? Was it only because I wanted to be Smokystar? I heard paws hitting the grass, and I glanced at the she-cat running towards me. Goldenstar?
My heart skipped a beat, before sinking under as I saw that it was only Auroradawn. She pressed her head against mine, and I fought the impulse to shove her off of me. The little bitch was probably over the moon that my plan had failed twice. My only chance was in waiting for Goldenstar to have those cursed creatures, and then come up with Plan Number 3.
"Smokycloud."
That voice made butterflies bounce off the insides of my stomach, and my eyes fluttered open. Then, my blood went cold at the familiar sight of Goldenstar's heavy belly sticking out like a sore paw.
"Come, and choose the tom that'll become your future apprentice and mate," Goldenstar ordered. I gave a brief response before getting up and following her to the Nursery. Even though I couldn't see Meredith in there, I saw nine kits bouncing around the Nursery, with Ursula watching over them.
"Careful with Tawnykit," Ursula purred as she saw four of the kits piling on top of her daughter. "Don't want to crush her now. Oh hello Goldenstar, Smokycloud. What can I do for y'all?"
My nose curled up at the number of kits in the Nursery. With all of them and Goldenstar's kits, I shuddered at the reminder, why did there need to be more so soon?
"Smokycloud is just choosing her future mate among Meredith's sons. Boltkit, Skykit, and Fogkit? Could the three of you come here please?"
"Yes leader!" Boltkit jumped off Tawnykit and the dark grey tom stared up at me and Goldenstar, puffing his chest. Skykit shortly followed, sitting next to his brother and tilting his head as he looked at us. Goldenstar looked around the Nursery until her eyes landed on the remaining white tom leaning close to a tortoiseshell she-kit in the corner.
"Fogkit!" Goldenstar snapped, causing the kit to jump. "Over here, with your brothers please."
"Sorry!" Fogkit meowed, glancing at the she-kit and back at Goldenstar. Turning around, the white tom sprinted over to sit with his brothers. "Bramblekit had a thorn in her paw."
"Ursula will take care of it," Goldenstar told him, before looking at me. "So, what do you think?"
Another trap.
"I think that Boltkit has a lot of confidence, that'll be good for a father figure," I told her. "Skykit seems like he'd be the type to listen to his mate."
"And Fogkit?" Goldenstar asked.
I glanced at Bramblekit as Ursula was inspecting her paw, the she-kit staring intently at Fogkit. Turning back to Goldenstar, I replied.
"I'm sure he'll make some she-cat very happy, but I don't think we'd be compatible," I explained.
"Understood, so which one will you be choosing?"
I stared at Boltkit and Skykit, thinking about the adjustments to my plan. I remembered the wide-eyed stare of my mate when I asked her if she preferred me being raped, and then, Plan Number 3 was born.
"I'll choose Boltkit," I told Goldenstar, before stretching out my legs. "May I go out for a run? My legs need a good stretch."
"You may, thank you," Goldenstar purred, leaning close to Boltkit. "You hear that, Boltkit? Smokycloud is going to be your mentor, and mother your future kits."
The last thing I saw before turning away was Ursula's nose curling up in Goldenstar's direction. I turned around, tears coming to my eyes as I forced myself to imagine my dream being ripped away from me, and then I ran towards Auroradawn, knocking into her as I made several sobbing noises. Auroradawn took the bait like a mouse running into a cat's paws, following me out into the field and crying out for me. I stopped, whirling around with wetness around my eyes.
"Moonblaze tried to...tried to…" I gave my best attempt at a whimper.
"Oh my StarClan, oh no. We have to leave, I'll get Crowsky and Grizzlyheart."
"No!" I shrieked, when will she ever learn? "Don't you see, Auroradawn? It's a sign, remember what we were taught about that prophecy many seasons ago? Only fire can save our Clan?"
"Yes? What does that have to do with anything?" Auroradawn tilted her head.
"It means that we must fight fire with fire," I looked up, hoping that despite my next words, she'd finally hear me out. "Goldenstar may be expecting, but doesn't that make this all the easier? All it takes is one walk close to the Raging River...and then-"
"Smokycloud," Auroradawn took several steps back, and I felt my mind growing foggy and my heart beating fast. "We've talked about this, and quite honestly, we should've left during the vigil. What is left for us here? For you?"
Was that a challenge? Great StarClan, all this time I've been trying to sway her with my words, when the real solution to getting what I want has been right in front of me this whole time!
"...do you want me to show you?" I relaxed my muscles as I stepped closer.
"What are you showing me?" Auroradawn asked, letting out a sharp yelp as I shoved her onto her back. Forcing myself to make eye contact with the stubborn she-cat, I trailed my paw down her chest. Then her stomach, and finally I felt wet stickiness beneath my paw as I felt her sweet spot. Auroradawn started squirming as I quickened the circles around the area, clasping her paws over her mouth.
"S-Smokycloud, is this really how you want our first time to oh StarClan! Stop, they're going to hear us," Auroradawn begged.
"Seems like it's too late for that, isn't it?"
I jumped back at the familiar voice, my wide eyes meeting Goldenstar's narrowed ones. At that moment, all my plans involving saving the four of us were out of the question. As I glanced down at Auroradawn, I knew I had to go back to the plan that I had at the beginning. I took a deep breath, and met my leader's eyes once more.
"I'm sorry," I told her. "But she's one of the gay cats, Goldenstar. She practically jumped at the opportunity to be 'mates' with me."