There is No Dark Side, Only Drool

On the hunt for Master Cyan (known around the Temple as the Order's sexiest Jedi), Obi-Wan has his usual oddball adventures. Always at the expense of Qui-Gon.

Originally posted in 2019

Obi: Master, have you seen Master Cyan?

Qui: I have not. However, I did see a trail of unconscious Jedi on the floor in the corridor near the dining hall an hour ago.

Obi: He must have been there then.

Qui: I agree. I believe that two of the Jedi were Council members.

Obi: His power is growing. The man is dangerous, Master. We all sense it, why can't you? What should we do?

Qui: Wait, what? We?

Obi:: Yes, we. You are my master, my teacher, my mentor...you boss me around. So, tell me what we should do.

Qui: Cyan is your issue, not mine. Actually, he's not even yours. He's a Master Jedi, why are you trying to interfere?

Obi: That power he has could lead him to the Dark Side.

Qui: The dark side of what?

Obi: You know The Dark Side. The one you always yak about when I tell you about how I kill a Sith when I'm twenty-five, after he splits your stomach with a lightsaber?

Qui: Such a nice thought. Why would Master Cyan be in danger of going to the Dark Side?

Obi: His power. Hello? Are you listening?

Qui: His power involves him being the best looking humanoid anywhere in the galaxy and causing people to fall over and faint in his wake. Women. Men. Wookiee. Jawa. Hutts. Doesn't matter.

Obi: Ew. Hutts? That's nasty. And how to they fall over exactly?

Qui: Well, perhaps they just roll away, or squish away. I don't know. What is the point of this discussion?

Obi: I'm worried about Master Cyan. He's been elsewhere lately. Eloooosive.

Qui: Ah, you mean he's not hugged you recently.

Obi: Well, that too. I miss that. He's like a giant blonde fluffy pillow.

Qui: A giant blonde fluffy pillow that will turn dark?

Obi: It could happen.

Qui: Why won't you just go look for him? Or better yet, call his comlink.

Obi: I did both of those things and the Council doesn't like me wandering the halls alone, you know that.

Qui: Please don't tell me you ran into one of them again.

Obi: I didn't.

Qui: Thank you.

Obi: I ran into three of them. It was awful, Master. Master Windu kept stroking his oddly shiny bald head and kept repeating that Master Cyan had nothing on his sexy self. Master Rancid kept trying to touch my face with his horrific claw hands. That man needs a shave or something. And Master Siamese Twin kept glaring at me. Just glare. Those creepy horns on his head. Glare. Glare. Glare. Gave me the heebee jeebees.

Qui: Master Rancid and Siamese Twin?

Obi: You know who I mean. I can't keep up with their silly nonsense names. I have my own problems.

Qui: What did you say to them?

Obi: Nothing that I should get in trouble for.

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: I was good. I swear. I only asked them if they had seen Master Cyan. That's all.

Qui: And?

Obi: And...

Qui: Tell me now or I'll find out later from someone else and then you'll really be in trouble.

Obi: Okay, fine. I asked Master Windu to stop blinding me with his head. I asked Master Rancid to shave that monstrosity off his face. And I asked Master Siamese Twin if he needs to to get his horns sharpened. Very innocent things. They all twisted it to fit their own 'why I hate Kenobi' stories though. Oh and they didn't know where Master Cyan was. How can they lose him? Just follow the trail of bodies. They should keep better track of their Jedi.

Qui: Indeed. Should I expect to be summoned to the Council chambers this evening?

Obi: I hope not. Did you do something wrong?

Qui: I did not. Well, I apparently lost track of you for five minutes. Long enough for you to locate and insult three Council members.

Obi: You should put a tracker on me, Master.

Qui: We tried that. It shorted out, you overworked it.

Obi: Oh, right. Well, will you help me find Master Cyan?

Qui: I will not.

Obi: If I find him, I can hug him. Then I won't have to harass you for a hug later.

Qui: Hmm. You do tempt me.

Obi: Come on. He can't be far. The Temple is only so large.

Qui: It's very large. You've gotten lost in it five times in the last month alone.

Obi: Oh, right. Well, with you with me, I can't get lost. Please help me.

Qui: Fine. Let's go.

—

Obi: Master, we've checked everywhere. He's not here or there or anywhere.

Qui: We've looked in one training hall and one meditation room. How is that everywhere?

Obi: Seems like we've been walking for hours.

Qui: Twenty minutes.

Obi: That's all, huh? Wow, I should exercise more and run my lips less.

Qui: Would you do that for me?

Obi: Too boring. Let's go this way. I sense a presence in the Force.

Qui: Or hundreds of them.

Obi: Is that how many Jedi are in the Temple right now?

Qui: Probably. Keep going. Try the pool area. He does enjoy showing himself off at the pool.

Obi: No, he was banned from the pool for causing too many lady Jedi to drool into the water as he walked past them. It was nasty. I laughed. He can't go there anymore unless the room is empty.

Qui: Archives?

Obi: Maybe. Archives Mary is the only one resistant to his power.

Qui: I am resistant to his power.

Obi: Yes, I haven't figured that one out yet. You are ether that strong or that boring.

Qui: Obi-Wan.

Obi: Well, you are boring, Master. Last week you spent four hours staring at a wall with your eyes closed.

Qui: I was meditating. As you should have been doing.

Obi: I did. For fifteen minutes. They really need to make meditation more exciting. Have it so you have to dodge Council members hurling themselves toward you at warp speed or something. I don't know.

Qui: Are you certain you are twenty-five in your dreams? I just don't see you living that long.

Obi: I am. I will. But maybe not if I can't find Master Cyan. Hey, wait...did you hear that, Master? That thud sound? And another. Another. There, to the left. Follow that sound!

(They followed the thuds and eventually found the giant Jedi wandering through he dining hall. His long blond hair flowing and ice blue eyes shining. Tanned body. Muscles on top of muscles. People falling like flies in his wake.)

Obi: He should really put a tunic on, those people don't stand a chance. Look at them. One after another. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. I should help them. Master Cyan! Over here! Master Cyan!

Cyan: Obi-Wan my boy! How are you?

Obi: I'm better now. You should dress yourself. Some of those other Jedi may not recover if you keep this up.

Cyan: You are correct, as usual, young man.

Qui: Correct? As usual? What?

Cyan: Qui-Gon. Good to see you. I see you are still unaffected by my power. Did Obi-Wan explain it to you?

Qui: That I was the most boring Jedi on the planet? Yes. Thank you.

Cyan: Hey, we all have our thing. Mine is this. Look all around. Your thing, on the other hand, is staring at a wall for four hours.

Qui: M-e-d-i-t-a-t-i-o-n. And how does everyone know about that?

Cyan: Sure. That's fine. Call it what you will. I prefer this power. Just look at them all lying there. Drooling. Eyes rolled back. Feeling the most wonderful of feelings. I did that.

Qui: Obi-Wan thinks you may go Dark Side because you are too powerful.

Cyan: Ah, no worries, my young huggable friend. It's a light side power I have. Promise. And speaking of hugs...

Qui: Freeze! I cannot have my padawan hugging half naked people. Put some clothes on, then you can hug him until his eyes bug out.

Obi: I like the sound of that, Master.

Cyan: Boring, indeed. Fine. There. Tunic on.

Obi: Where were you hiding your tunic? It just appeared like magic.

Cyan: There's no such thing as magic, little one. Only the Force.

Obi: I know, but 'it just appeared like Force' doesn't have the same ring to it.

Cyan: Hug?

Obi: Master?

Qui: Have at it.

Obi: Ah, this is nice. Can I take you home with me, Master Cyan? You can help me meditate and study and train and go on missions with me.

Cyan: I do believe you have a master for that already.

Obi: I do, but I'm always looking for an updated model.

Cyan: Aww, Qui-Gon's not so bad.

Qui: I am normal. He can't handle normal.

Obi: I can't.

Cyan: But you must. I have no time to train an apprentice. I have happiness and joy to spread. It's a dark world out there, I make it brighter. I give people something to believe in.

Qui: You cause them to become unconscious and drool obsessively.

Cyan: True, but those dreams while they are under my power are spectacular.

Obi: I want dreams like that. The only thing I ever dream about is some whiny desert boy that Master Qui-Gon adopts and then asks me to train when he gets offed by a horn-headed face-painted Sith. Then I have to go live in the desert alone for a million years with only Jawa's to talk to. It's sad story.

Cyan: Sounds like it.

Obi: You want to hear more?

Cyan: Not particularity, no. As I just said, I have things to do. Your future is your concern. You may want to stay away from the horn-headed face-painted Sith thing though.

Obi: I tried, but he's mean and he likes to kill people's masters and stuff. How can I deal with that?

Cyan: Suck it up and be a man. You'll manage.

Obi: I can do that. In fact, I will do that.

Qui: Wait a minute. For him you'll just suck it up and be a man, but for me, it's hours upon hours of dreadfully painful stories about your supposed horribly tragic future?

Obi: Yes.

Qui: Why?

Obi: Because I love you, Master. That's why.

Qui: But you love, Cyan too.

Obi: I do.

Cyan: Too much love. There is no emotion, remember?

Qui: Nonsense.

Obi: What he said. Hey, Master, we agree on something? Hug?

Qui: No.

Obi: Damn.

Cyan: There is a lot of emotion. Too much in this room actually. I should leave.

Obi: I'll miss you, Master Cyan.

Cyan: I'm only leaving the room, Obi-Wan.

Obi: I know. Oh, look, everyone is waking up. And they're all smiling. You aren't doing Dark Side after all.

Cyan: Told you so.

Obi: I should listen to the Master Jedi more.

Qui: As I have instructed you to do so many times. Many, many times.

Cyan: Listen to your Master Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan. He is wise.

Qui: Told you so.

Obi: I thought you were joking when you said that, Master.

Qui: I do not joke, Obi-Wan.

Obi: I know, that's why it confused me so much.

Cyan: Yes, you two are perfectly normal. I need to go now. Home to recharge and prepare for more adventure tomorrow.

Obi: I'll be listening for the thuds!

Cyan: Until next time, my young spiky headed friend. And Qui-Gon too. Enjoy your evening.

Obi: Bye! Hey, Master?

Qui: Yes, Obi-Wan?

Obi: You were right. Master Cyan won't go Dark Side, not ever.

Qui: One day, you will listen to me.

Obi: One day. Uh oh.

Qui: What?

Obi: Two of the Jedi in the corner there. That's Masters Racid and Siamese Twin. We should go now.

Qui: Indeed. Walk toward the exit and don't glance back toward them. Oh, well...too late. Damn it. Okay, run.

Obi: Run? In the Temple? But the Council said if they ever catch me running again, they'd hang me from my toes over a flow of boiling lava.

A little extreme if you ask me, just for running, and by definition, lava is already boiling, but...

Qui: Then walk quickly.

Obi: We'll look all funny doing that. I can't have my friends seeing me looking all awkward and stuff.

Qui: Then stay here and deal with Rancid and Siamese...no, damn it. Rancisis and Saesee Tiin. See what you've done to me?

Obi: You shouldn't listen to me. Ever.

Qui: I don't. Not on purpose. You have this annoying habit of sucking me into your world and I can't escape.

Obi: Just like Master Cyan has his power, I have mine. Whoops, they saw us. We really should run now. Go!

Rancisis/Tiin: KENOBI! JINN!

Obi: Don't look back, Master. Actually this is kinda fun. Better then staring at a wall for four hours, right?

Qui: Meditation. But, it's definitely got the adrenaline going.

Obi: Should we do this more often?

Qui: No.

Obi: You're still no fun.

Qui: I know. We must run faster.

Obi: If you could teach me that Jedi super speed stuff, this would be so much easier.

Qui: Next year.

Obi: But next year is so far away.

Qui: You have no idea, Padawan. Just keep running.

Obi: The Council is fast! Like butt-ugly humanoid torpedos. Who knew?

Qui: You keep them in practice.

Obi: Oh, I do, don't I? I have more power than I thought. Aren't you proud?

Qui: As long as you only use it for good, I promise to be proud.

Obi: Deal. Must keep running!

END