It feels like a tear in my heart, like a part of me missing and I just can't feel it, I've tried and I've tried. I've tried. Tears on my face I can't take it, if lonely is a taste then it's all that I'm tasting. Do you hear me cry? I cry, oh. Can you hold me? Can you hold me? Can you hold me in your arms?
13th January 2020
Morgana was finally out of the "danger zone" of the first twelve weeks of pregnancy. Despite that, the morning sickness was showing no signs of budging and after ending up in hospital twice more, Morgana was signed off work. Merlin and Morgana were sat in the outpatients antenatal department of Avalon hospital, awaiting the scan and twelve week screening for Downs, Edward's and Patau's syndrome. The midwife had told Morgana to drink a lot of water before the scan, and now she felt as though she was going to explode.
"Morgana Emrys" one of the midwives called. Merlin and Morgana grinned at each other before Morgana waddled into the scan room and lay down on the table.
"Let's take a look" the midwife said. "There's the placenta, and there is the baby".
"Our baby" Morgana said as she looked at the screen. She'd already had quite a few scans, yet she still found herself welling up at the sight of the baby.
"Would you like some photos?".
"Definitely" Merlin said. .
"I'm sure you won't be able to feel it yet, but the baby seems to be moving".
"Is that the hand?" Morgana gasped.
"It is" the midwife smiled. "That's the hand. As you can see, baby is moving around quite a lot in there". Merlin and Morgana watched as the measurements of the baby were taken. Morgana was given a due date of 27th July, and they had many photos taken of the baby, the midwife going to print them off and to get Morgana ready for her blood test. She opted to have the twelve week screening, which tested for Edward's syndrome, Patau's syndrome and Down's syndrome. Merlin abs Morgana were unsure whether to have the testing, yet deciding if there was to be a bad outcome, they'd want to know so that they could be prepared. Morgana rushed of to the loo while the midwife went to print the photos out, given that the printer in the scan room they were in was broken.
"Baby's measurements look good, yet there is something that it worth mentioning".
"Is everything okay?" Morgana asked.
"The baby's nuchal translucency is measuring at 3.4mm, which is borderline for normal yet almost on the larger size" the midwife explained.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Merlin asked.
"Those babies who have a higher nuchal translucency usually tend to be associated with downs syndrome. For now, i don't think it's something to worry about but it is worth keeping an eye on".
"So there's a ... there's a chance that something could be wrong?" Morgana asked.
"It's not necessarily likely but it is something worth looking further into. You are having the combined screening?".
Morgana nodded vigorously. "Yes, definitely".
"In that case, I don't think it's anything to worry about" she reassured her. "The measurements show that the rest is OK, we just thought it worthwhile telling you". Morgana nodded and squeezed Merlin's hand as she had her blood drawn. As they went back home, they were in solemn moods. They had been so ready to have a baby, been having scans, Morgana was taking her pregnacare even if the morning sickness was unbearable, only for this to happen. It wasn't yet confirmed, not that it stopped the worrying.
"There ... I mean ... how" Morgana sighed. "Why. Why".
"I know" Merlin said. "I know, love. It is still within the normal range, even if it is high".
"I'm scared" Morgana admitted. "It was scary enough having Amhar's birth problems. Another baby with problems, I don't know how we're going to do it".
"We'll find a way" Merlin vowed. "I promise".
Morgana had read up, finding the poem welcome to Holland and taping it to the fridge.
When you're going to have a baby, it's like you're planning a vacation to Italy. You're all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks, you learn a few phrases so you can get around, and then it comes time to pack your bags and head for the airport.
Only when you land, the stewardess says, "WELCOME TO HOLLAND."
You look at one another in disbelief and shock, saying, "HOLLAND? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I SIGNED UP FOR ITALY."
But they explain that there's been a change of plan, that you've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
"BUT I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOLLAND!" you say. 'I DON'T WANT TO STAY!"
But stay, you do.
You go out and buy some new guidebooks, you learn some new phrases, and you meet people you never knew existed.
The important thing is that you are not in a bad place filled with despair. You're simply in a different place than you had planned.
It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy, but after you've been there a little while and you have a chance to catch your breath, you begin to discover that Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts.
But everyone else you know is busy coming and going from Italy. They're all bragging about what a great time they had there, and for the rest of your life, you'll say, "YES, THAT'S WHAT I HAD PLANNED."
The pain of that will never go away.
You have to accept that pain, because the loss of that dream, the loss of that plan, is a very, very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to go to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
"It's just like this with Amhar" Merlin sighed. "Yet, we do enjoy life, don't we?".
"We do" Morgana agreed. "We do. Maybe if things won't be too bad. I mean, we have had pretty bad luck. Nine months to prepare and all that". The blood test results came back on Merlin's birthday with a 1:1350 chance of Downs, Patau's or Edwards syndrome. Merlin and Morgana decided that they'd not test further.
20th January 2020
Armed with both cyclizine and ondansetron, Morgana returned to work after her second two week hiatus, now thirteen weeks pregnant. Her old clothes did still fit, yet she had to buy maternity trousers, given that her work trousers had stopped fitting. With the end of mocks came the marking and ensuring that the students were in the right sets in order to carry on with their GCSE. Set one two and three would continue to study English literature while set four would focus on English language instead.
"Well, we did have quite a few people writing about death for our English language descriptive writing" Mithian remarked.
"It's 2020" Morgause shrugged. "I mean, what with all the shit going on in the world, I can't say I'm surprised".
"Jesus there has been a lot happening this year so far" Sefa sighed.
"Can't believe that it's only January" Morgana muttered. "Let's see, we've had world war three have a bit of a breakout, brexit, Meghan and Harry have fucked of to Canada".
"There's a virus which is basically a cold that kills people" Mithian added.
"And we're not going into world war three" Morgause raised an eyebrow. "Because of that virus".
"Bit like world war three in here" Sefa muttered under her breath.
"What was that, Sefa?" Morgause snapped.
"Nothing" Sefa muttered. "Kobe Bryant's dead, there's a bunch of bushfires".
"Avalanches in the Himalayas, floods in Indonesia...world has gone mad" Mithian sighed.
"No shit" Morgause retorted. She shot Morgana a dirty look.
"Come on, Morgause. Just accept it and get over it" Morgana sighed.
"No" Morgause turned away like a petulant toddler sticking out her bottom lip, as Amhar tended to do when he didn't want something.
"Morgause, there are worse things happening in the world, look at the coronavirus" Mithian said. "You know, you're healthy, happy".
"That's debatable" Morgause muttered.
"We're free to leave our houses and do as we wish" Mithian continued. "People in China are being boarded in their houses. Be grateful, Morgause".
"I suppose" Morgause muttered. "I suppose so". Lunch time came quickly, Morgana opting to avoid the staffroom given that it reeked of coffee or whatever the others had decided to eat. Merlin tended to keep his lunch in the fridge in the staffroom so headed over and warmed it up quickly.
"Hey Merlin" Freya greeted.
"Hi" Merlin replied. "How are you?".
"Pretty hyped to be honest" Freya giggled. "I'm going on the ski trip soon, which looks rather fun".
"It does" Merlin agreed. "Where is it this time?".
"Some resort in Italy that I forgot the name of" Freya shrugged. "It's going to be me, Vivian and Alvarr".
"That sounds good. Have fun" Merlin said before he went back to Morgana's room to eat lunch with her.
Merlin and Morgana were glad to be home with Amhar asleep in his cot. Morgana was trying not to fall asleep herself, having thrown up badly after getting home from work, so was resting on the sofa. In her opinion it was way to early to go to bed—at only seven thirty. Amhar would have his bottle on the sofa at half six, then after in the night garden go upstairs to have a quick bath and then settle in the cot by himself. Not what they expected—someone knocking at the door.
"I'll get it" Merlin sighed as he went to the door.
"Hello" Morgause slurred. "Merlin. The idiot, who prances with destiny and fate".
"Are you drunk?" Merlin sighed.
"No" Morgause lied. She burped. "You're an arsehole".
"Whatever you say hun" Merlin rolled his eyes. "You should go home".
"Why?" Morgause whined. "You can't tell me what to do. You might be my brother in law but still. We all know what I said was true. Would you get with her if the car didn't crash? Would you?" Morgause began to get in his face. "Would you? Huh!".
Merlin rolled his eyes and soon felt his fist colliding with Morgause's face. "Shit" he muttered to himself. He noticed that Cenred was waiting in the car, directed Morgause over to the car and went back in the house.
"The fuck just happened?" Morgana asked. "Was that Morgause?".
"Yup" Merlin sighed as he sat down on the sofa. "She was going on about ... you know.
"Not again" Morgana groaned. "Is that blood on your hands?".
"Lemme go wash it off" Merlin grimaced.
"Good idea" Morgana agreed.
On Monday Morgause came into work with a splint on her nose. It was broken.
"I ain't got a clue what happened" Morgause rambled to Morgana. "It was strange. I remember I got drunk, then next thing I know I'm in minor injuries being treated for a broken nose".
"Is that so?" Morgana raised her eyebrows.
"It was weird!" Morgause repeated. "I mean, I think I saw Merlin but I can't be sure. You two are adorable together. I've totally forgiven you for getting married".
"Well that's a relief isn't it" Morgana muttered.
"I wanted to apologise" Morgause sighed. "Look, I really really fucked up with what I said. I know that it wasn't right of me to do, I am so sorry".
"Morgause, sorry cannot count for what you said" Morgana replied. "We won't be able to go back to being as close as we were before. There isn't simply a way that it's happening".
"I know" Morgause sighed once more. "I know. I'll try to make it up. I promise".
Morgana rolled her eyes. "Okay, Morgause".
A/N: Yeah whoops ... couldn't not have Merlin punching