June 25, 2012 (STEVE'S POV)
Maddi tossed and turned next to me in her sleep. It was early in the morning of her birthday and I had a day planned out for her. Those plans were quickly sidetracked when her sleep became even more restless and she began to call out with her eyes squeezed shut. I tried to wake her gently, she had nightmares on more than one occasion since the attack on New York. Some days were better than others, but I could tell that battle was really hard on her mental health. I tried again to wake her, with a little more urgency this time and her eyes flung open. However, they seemed clouded and she still wasn't fully there. They frantically darted around her and she screamed a rather terrifying shrill. Her arms started flying towards me in defense as words finally escaped her lips. "Get off me, get off me!" she screamed in terror.
"Maddi it's me," I said quickly as I tried not to touch her and make her more panicked, but I also didn't want her to hurt herself. "It's Steve, Maddi. You're safe, you're in bed, it's only me."
"No! Get away, don't touch me, get away!" She hit me hard a few more times and then she tried to move farther from me, causing her to fall off the bed. She hit her head on the way and soon her screaming turned to crying.
"Maddi," I rushed around the bed to her side. I hesitated in getting too close, I didn't want to upset her further. "Maddi, are you here with me?" She kept crying as she wrapped her arms around her legs and pulled her knees up to her chest, but she nodded her head in response. I sighed softly as some of the tension left my body. "Can I help you back up?" I asked. She nodded again as she put her head against her knees and continued to cry. I got closer to her and decided the best way to help her up was to just carry her back onto the bed. "I'm gonna pick you up, okay?" she nodded again as permission. I set her back on the bed and sat beside her. I didn't want to overwhelm her by hugging her, so I stuck with softly rubbing her back as she kept her head down and her arms locked tightly around her legs.
We sat like that for a while before she eventually lifted her head and embraced me with her arms all in one swift motion. I wrapped my own around her body and had one of my hands resting on her head against my shoulder. I felt her tears fall on to me and I just kept trying to sooth her without making her uncomfortable. "Thank you," she finally whispered in a hoarse voice.
"Do you need me to get you anything? Water?" I asked.
"No, I think I'll just lay back down," she replied.
"Okay, do you want to talk about your dream, is there anything I can do to make you feel more alright?"
"I just want to lay down," she unwrapped her arms from me and I leaned back and let her lay back down on the bed.
"Okay," I resigned. "If you need anything, let me know." she nodded and put her arms around her pillow and I pulled the blankets up for her. It was around 8am then and I decided to head to the kitchen to make breakfast for the two of us just in case Maddi would be hungry later. As I finished up the eggs, I heard Maddi crying again from the bedroom and I grew more concerned. This was by far the worst she had ever woken up from a nightmare. I made my way back to the room and sat at the foot of the bed. "I made you some eggs, Maddi. I can bring them in here if you'd like." I put my hand on her leg over the blanket and she flinched away. I lifted my hand back away and my eyebrows furrowed.
"No thank you," she said so quietly I barely heard her. "I'd just like to be alone right now," she added. I nodded even though I knew she wasn't looking at me.
"Okay," I whispered back. I left the room again, not really knowing what else to do. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I wanted to be able to do more to help her as well. I gave it a few hours while I read on the sofa before I tried again to help. "Hey Maddi," I said as I stood by the door with a sad smile. She was staring at the wall in front of her, I had a feeling she never fell back asleep or even moved the entire time she was there. "I don't know if you remembered, but today's your birthday. I had some things in mind, but it's your day. We can do anything you want, I'll make it happen for you." I tried to add cheer to the atmosphere, but I knew I failed.
"No thank you," she said. Before I could say anything else, there was a knock at the door. Maddi jumped at the sound but didn't make any other movement after. I took in a deep breath and went to the front door. When I opened it, I saw Tony standing in the hall with flowers in one hand and balloons in the other.
"I went to her place first but she wasn't there. Is she inside?" he asked and I stepped outside and closed the door behind me.
"Tony, I don't know if now is a good time."
"What do you mean now's not a good time? It's her birthday."
"I thought you were in LA this week," I said, crossing my arms as I stayed standing in front of the door to make sure he didn't try to run in past me.
"Yeah but it's her birthday, I flew in this morning. Why can't I come in?"
"She had a really rough night, Tony."
"Okay gross," he joked and I rolled my eyes.
"Not like that! She had a terrible nightmare that really shook her up. She's spent hours in bed staring at the wall, she's barely said anything since. I'm serious Tony, she's had bad dreams that made her feel off for the day, but nothing like this. I don't even know what it was about, but it has to be about the attack on New York. She doesn't like talking about it, but it's been really hard on her."
Tony let out a long breath and looked around the hall as he stayed in thought for a moment. "Okay let me talk to her," he said.
"She wants to be alone, she won't talk to you."
"Look I know you have a lot of experience with the traumas of war, and I'm sure you've been as helpful as you can, but I think I can help more here. That day was brand new for both of us. We had never fought in a war before, we don't have the training or anything to get us through that. I think I can talk to her, just let me try."
I stared at him as I took it in that he could probably help Maddi more than I could. Although I hated to admit it, he probably knew her a bit better than I did as he had been around her for the past 40 years. "Alright, but don't push her. You didn't hear how much terror she was in, and I don't think it would take much to make her feel that distressed again." he nodded and I let him into my apartment. We walked to my room and I stayed by the door again. "Maddi, someone's here to wish you a happy birthday." I said softly.
Tony walked in without the balloons and just the flowers. I had a feeling he did it to prevent frightening her, and I was impressed with his attention to that kind of detail. "Hey there, old lady," he said with a small smile. "I brought these for you." I quietly left the room and closed the door halfway. I went to the kitchen and sat at the table to give them privacy. There may had been a lot of things I didn't trust Tony with, he didn't give me a lot of reason to do so, but I did trust him with Maddi. It was clear to anyone how important they were to each other, and it was a relationship I was glad she had in her life.
I sat still at the table for a while before I heard the door open again. I looked up immediately and saw Maddi walk out hesitantly before Tony. She still looked a little out of it, but her being out of bed was a good sign. I made eye contact with Tony and he gave me a small forced smile. I looked back at Maddi and tried to be as warm and inviting in my facial expressions as possible. I stood up and pulled out a chair for her. "Would you like to sit down, darling?"
"Yes, thank you." she carefully sat down and then looked up at me with red eyes. "Do you still have those eggs?"
"I can make you some right now," I said quickly and made my way to the fridge and stove to start up some more breakfast for her, although it was the afternoon at this point.
"He didn't come back," Maddi said after I placed her eggs, bacon, and toast in front of her and sat down with Tony also sitting at the table.
"What?" I asked curious and concerned by what she meant.
"Every time I dream about that day, I'm right there again. It's loud and dangerous and someone always dies. This time, Tony didn't come back after going through the hole, and it was all for nothing because the Chitauri just kept coming. It just got really overwhelming, I think we lost." She fiddled with her fork as she spoke and I gave Tony a nervous glance.
"We won Maddi, we're all okay," I tried to reassure her.
"This time yes," she clarified. "But you've left me before. I've almost lost Tony more than once. I can't die, and so I'll always be the one left over after everyone dies. I can't take it anymore, I try to be strong, but I don't know how. The fear and pain of losing the people I care most about never goes away."
"I wish I could take that fear and pain away from you Maddi, I really do." I hated how her inability to age or get killed burdened her so much.
"I think I want to go to a therapist or something. I just think about this all the time, even when I'm trying not to, and it catches up with me. That battle, it bothers me during the day sometimes too. I get jumpy by things that never used to bother me before."
"I know you won't find many superhero support groups, but you always have us, Maddi," Tony told her. She smiled softly as she looked at her plate.
"Thank you," she whispered, and then she didn't say much more as she ate her food. The rest of the day was taken slow. Maddi was visibly seeming better as three of us played a few board games. We gave her some gifts to open and we finished the day with cake. Tony told me later that he had an elaborate surprise party planned for Maddi at some banquet hall and canceled it. He knew that was not what was best for her in that moment, and I was impressed with him putting aside theatrics when it truly mattered.
July 4, 2012
"Wait, wait, wait!" I called out to Steve while trying to catch my breath.
"For someone who couldn't wait to get out here, you sure are taking it pretty slow now," Steve joked in response as he stopped and turned around. We were currently hiking up a pretty steep trail in upstate New York. It was my idea to bring Steve here for his birthday.
"Look I'm in shape, but no amount of my 'in shape' will ever be able to keep up with you. Help me up this last step please," I said as I was struggling to pull myself up past the rock I was currently standing on. He grabbed my hand and helped me to his level. "Thank you," I said with a smile and he smiled back. I took out some of our water and handed it to him after taking my own sip from it.
"I'll make sure to slow down a bit more. Are we almost to the destination you had in mind by the way?" he asked.
"Yeah but the journey there is the best part, Steve!" I gave him a laugh as I continued. "Don't go so fast, and you can see how beautiful this whole place is." He looked around and nodded as he took in his surroundings.
"You're right, I get carried away."
"It's okay, I assume the exercise is also your favorite part," I teased him.
"Actually my favorite part is spending the day with just you," he replied without missing a beat.
"Aw, so sweet. I'll give you a pass on the excess cheesiness because it's your birthday."
"I'm being serious! I'm really glad you plan this day for us together."
"I'm glad you're enjoying it." I smiled at him and we got back to our trek up to the top of the trail. I wanted to be able to watch the sunset with him there, and we had plenty of time to get there. I knew this was the kind of birthday he would enjoy, just the two of us outside. Something like fireworks in downtown New York City sounded like it would probably be too overwhelming for him right now. Nature was the perfect place that Steve felt like he still fit in, these protected woods looked exactly like any other decades before. Besides, I hadn't celebrated the fourth of july since Steve was still alive. It was too painful for so long to be reminded of him by the fireworks every year, I hadn't ever really associated them or the day in general with anything other than Steve and his birthday since before I knew him. Celebrating Steve was always more important to me than the holiday, so I had no problems being out in the middle of nowhere for the day. I was glad that Steve agreed this was better than any other kind of celebration in the city.
We finally made it as high as we could, the trees spanned out in all directions below us, and we had a beautiful view of the sky as it began to fill with more and more colors by the minute. I sat down in front of a boulder to lean on, and Steve sat next to me. "How are you doing?" he asked me, and I knew he wasn't asking about how I physically felt after climbing several miles up the trail. He had been very cautious around me and how I was feeling since my own birthday. I completely understood why, and I was honestly rather grateful for it. I had a tendency of ignoring negative feelings until it got too hard for me to handle and I would break down. Steve did a wonderful job of keeping me in check on a daily basis, and it was getting me into a better habit of being able to do it on my own as well. It had only been about a week since my own birthday, and I already felt more hopeful for my mental health.
Being able to spend the first birthday with Steve since 1944, I was truly the happiest I had been in a very long time. "I'm doing really well, honestly." He looked into my eyes and concluded that I was being completely truthful and smiled wide.
"I'm glad," he said. "Please don't ever be afraid to tell me otherwise."
I nodded and leaned into his body. "I'm so glad I have you," I told him.
He put his arms around me as we looked out at the setting sun. It was still the beginning of sunset, so we had some time before it would be dark. "Sometimes I feel like this is all a dream, having you here with me. I'll wake up and find out that you're not really here and I'm living through this on my own. It just doesn't seem real sometimes to be with you after spending almost 70 years in the ice."
"I know what you mean. I never thought I'd see you again," I whispered back. "But I also never thought I'd fight an army of aliens in downtown New York, so what feels real isn't always a good indicator anymore." he chuckled at my words and agreed. "Happy Birthday, Steve."
"Thank you, Maddi."
"We're technically both 94 years old now," I reminded him with a smirk. "But you have skipped so many of them, we're going to need to catch you up on parties. Starting next year," I teased.
"As long as I get to spend them with you, I'll celebrate however you see fit," he laughed. "I'm getting too old to argue anyway," he added.
"Don't let Tony hear you talk like that, he already has way too much fun reminding us how old we are."
"Well lucky for me, you make me feel as young as I look," he replied.
"I'm the one whose actually physically experienced 94 years of living. I'm the one that should feel that old, but you also make me feel young again," I turned slightly and looked up at him with a grin. He leaned down and kissed me without another word. We spent the rest of the hour in silence in each other's arms as the sun set before us. Once it was darker, we made our way back down the same trail we walked up in. The darkness of our surroundings could have been scarier if I didn't have Steve there with me. His navigation skills surpassed mine, especially once it was night. We eventually arrived safely at his motorcycle and rode back to our hotel that I got for us. I felt so content leaning my head on his back, and I could tell with how relaxed his muscles were that he felt the same way.
A/N: So this chapter was written in a sort of dichotomy of birthday experiences. The reason why none of these fears talked about on Maddi's birthday are expressed or even mentioned in her thoughts in some of her perspectives in other chapters is because she is often pushing them aside to live a normal life. I think it's something we all do for big and small problems in our life. People try to and actually live very "normal" lives while they are secretly hurting inside. Sometimes it haunts their thoughts, sometimes their sleep, etc. Also I don't cover every single day of Maddi's life, just the highlights, so a lot of those low days are in between the plot driven days where she sometimes has to put aside her overwhelming feelings. She goes through cycles of being able to handle her mental health and it becoming too much for her to deal with. I hope you liked it all and I can't wait to write more of her story!
I will also be a little more specific telling you my plan here on how I will say thank you to these comments you guys are so gracious to give! As soon as I get 5 comments that consist of more than just asking me to update again, I promise I will update within 24 hours of that 5th comment about this story. (or 2 weeks from now at the most if I don't get 5 comments) Thank you so much to those who have commented, I love reading them!
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