AN: Alright here is the next chapter. I would have posted on Sunday, but I realized, halfway through writing the original chapter 11, that I needed a chapter between chapter 10 and what I had written. So the good news is that the next chapter is about halfway done. It should be up by Sunday at the latest (perhaps sooner).
Thank you all for your support and patience!
December 7, 1976
James,
I am so glad to hear your parents are doing well. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to see them in such a vulnerable state, but they are getting better. I cannot wait to meet them and see the progress you've told me about. I also can't wait to hear all of your mother's stories about little James. Six-year-old James sounds exactly how I pictured him.
You didn't have to do both assignments completely!! I could have helped. Please don't feel any obligation to me; I've told you I rather you focus on your family. I can take care of the assignments for a little bit, as long as you keep up with the reading. I can help you catch up when you return – your parents are much more important than two weeks of lessons.
As for the rest of your letter, I'm not sure what to say exactly. This is my fourth draft of this letter and I am determined that it will be the last. Tell Sirius you didn't sound like a prick; he's the real prick. (Also tell him to respond to my letters. He hasn't responded since you've left. Did I do something to upset him?).
I shouldn't have said that you reminded me of the old Potter. It was a cruel thing to say. I apologize if I hurt or confused you. I promised you I'd be a better friend, and I feel like I'm failing at that. I get why you followed me down to the Dungeons, and I understand why you were scared. But you've never gotten along well with Snape and you didn't act like you were scared. You acted like a jealous boyfriend.
You say you're not trying to make me uncomfortable, but you purposely flirt with me on a regular basis. You constantly compliment me, you have no concept of personal space when you're around me, and as you've mentioned, the whole school believes we are dating. Your last letter, the ending read like a love letter, telling me how you fear for my life and how you'd do anything to protect me.
I feel like I sound like a conceited bitch. I'm not trying to. Honestly. It can just be overwhelming sometimes. You promised me that you wanted to be friends, yet sometimes your actions don't align with your promises. I'm not trying to upset you or hurt you. I truly care about you and your friendship means that world to me. Somehow, we've gone from being enemies to you being the person that I count on the most in a mere matter of months.
This last few days without you have been awful. I miss the notes you pass me in charms, your challenges in potions, and frankly your constant presence. You said you feel like you can be yourself around me, and the feeling is mutual. You are someone I have come to depend on, someone I need in my life.
Which is why I think I got so mad at you. When it's you and me together, we are in our own separate, perfect world. When you saw me with Severus, you were so mad and you demanded to know what happened, and it shattered a little piece of the beautiful lie we've created. The world is at war, and we aren't safe. We can't hide in the Room of Requirement forever.
I started this letter prepared to tell you to stop flirting with me, to stop acting like you have some claim over me. But if I truly wanted you to stop flirting, I would have told you so immediately. I am able to protect myself, and I don't need you to fight my battles, but it is nice to know that you care about me, even though I was already perfectly aware of the fact.
I'm more confused now than when I started the letter, and I can't imagine this helps you understand what I am feeling any better. All I can say is that I do care about you – quite a bit. You haven't been subtle about your feelings, and I… well mostly I'm just confused for all of the reasons I've already mentioned.
Would it be completely unfair of me to ask you for more time to figure out how I feel? I know you haven't really been pushing for any sort of… well anything, but you also haven't been subtle. I haven't asked you to stop because I don't want you to… but I'm not sure how I feel or if I'm ready for something more.
How horrible of a person am I? I'm sorry James. I just need more time.
Sincerely,
Lily
James reread the letter he had already read several times, before passing it to Sirius. They hadn't been gone long, less than a week, and yet his absence had inspired this letter. It was a touch confusing, but mostly just promising.
"Well?" James asked, impatiently tapping his fingers on the table.
"Give me a minute to read it, you tosser. It's long." Sirius said. "I'm not mad at Lily, just terrible at responding in an adequate manner. I'll write her back later today."
Sirius continued reading and James watched him the entire time. He had a giddiness to him that could not be contained. Sirius looked up several times and saw his friend's anxious expression.
"Merlin, you're not even dating, and she has you completely whipped." Sirius smirked. "I'd say this is a huge improvement. Six months ago, the bird couldn't stand to be in the same room as you. Now she says things like, 'When it's you and me together, we are in our own separate, perfect world' and that she depends on you."
"You think I actually have a chance with her?" James asked.
"Yes, you swot. She just confessed to enjoying your advances. She's confused, but it's a really good sign."
James smiled. "I sound like a tosser." Sirius nodded. "I don't really care. I'm just happy. I should write to Pete and see what he has to say."
"It's like you don't trust me, or something." Sirius said with mock indignation.
"I trust you plenty, but Peter is really good at this kind of thing. So is Remus."
"Prongs, you truly are a tosser."
"I know." James grinned and Sirius grinned back at him, happy for his friend.
Marlene's stomach flipped nervously. This meeting with Dumbledore was extremely concerning. Just yesterday, Madame Pomfrey had said she was going to request substance tests for Marlene. Of course, Dumbledore knew that Marlene was taking Posterum, right? So there was no reason to be nervous.
Marlene repeated this to herself on her walk to Dumbledore's office. There was absolutely no reason to be nervous. Absolutely no reason at all. Yet with each step she took, dread filled her stomach. What if Dumbledore didn't approve of her taking the Posterum? What if she was in trouble for taking an illicit potion?
What if Montgomary was somehow to blame? Hadn't he been the one to give her the potion? Did he know memory loss was one of the possible side effects or did he simply not care? He wouldn't knowingly give her a potion that could be dangerous, right?
The note she received, delivered by a first-year student, had been ominous. "Please report to my office during your lunch break. The password is Laffy Taffy – Dumbledore." There was no explanation as to why. Her heart sunk when reading those words.
The last time she had been asked to visit the Headmaster's office, she had received the news that her parents had been brutally murdered. What if she was being summoned to Dumbledore's office for completely different reasons. She remembered her first dream, the one she had in September, which prompted her to seek out Professor Montgomary's help in the first place. She had seen her own death, seen her family being hunted and persecuted for being traitors of the blood. What if, instead of being a disciplinary or health concern meeting, she was being summoned and told that her aunt or siblings had been attacked?
Marlene easily recognized that she was spiraling but couldn't figure out how to stop it. Her breathing was becoming labored, her vision blurry. She stopped to rest on a bench, attempting to take slow deep breaths. Her mind was still racing, fear still pooling in her stomach. She felt sharp pains in her chest and tears prickle in her eyes.
A panic attack. She was having a panic attack. She needed to take several deep breaths. Her fear and anxiety, which had been building up the entire semester as she sought to understand the future and her purpose as a seer had been brought to an extreme high as she traveled the same path she traveled two years prior to receive word of her parents death. The pain of the memory was bringing a long since controlled fear to the surface, boiling over and causing her to literally stop breathing.
She calmed her breathing, telling herself it was going to be okay. She ducked into the nearest loo, and splashed water on her face. Panicking wasn't going to change the outcome of this meeting. Panicking wasn't going to help her face whatever it was that she was going to face. She was Marlene McKinnon, and everything was going to be okay.
She arrived at Dumbledore's office a few minutes later. Professor Dumbledore, Professor Montgomary, and Madame Pomfrey were all waiting for her when she entered. Ah, so it was her memory loss. She chastised herself for getting all worked up, but still couldn't shake the memory of her parent's deaths.
"Miss McKinnon. Thank you for joining us." Professor Dumbledore said, making eye contact with Marlene. Marlene starred back, transfixed. It felt as if the Headmaster was reading her mind, his stare was so intense. She quickly realized that he probably could read her mind, being a skilled Legilimens, though she supposed it would be highly unethical for a professor to use on a student.
"Why am I here?" She asked calmly, though she didn't feel anything remotely resembling calm.
"We are here to discuss the side effects you've been experiencing because of the Posterum potion." Montgomary said, giving Marlene a piercing look. "Why didn't you tell me you were experiencing memory loss?"
"I didn't really realize until Mary dragged me down to the infirmary." Marlene said. She had decided to keep her answers short, and let the professors ask all of the questions. She still wasn't certain she was not in trouble, and even if she wasn't, she had a feeling that she was not going to like the outcome of this meeting.
"Why did you lie to me when I asked you if you were taking any substances?" Madame Pomfrey asked.
"Professor Montgomary said that my abilities were a secret. Besides us, only Dumbledore knew. I wasn't really sure if I should tell you."
"I see." It was clear Madame Pomfrey didn't really see. "In the future, it is paramount that you disclose all information to your health provider. I can't properly treat or diagnose you without all of the correct information."
Pomfrey looked at Marlene, waiting for a response. "I'm sorry. I was just doing what I was told, what I thought was right."
"Be that as it may," Dumbledore interrupted. "It appears you've been experiencing some extreme side effects from the potion. Madame Pomfrey has a healing plan, which will restore your memories and reduce any of the other remaining side effects such as the nausea and the headaches." Marlene brightened, and Dumbledore continued. "However, we will suspend the use of Posterum for the time being. Your lessons should help you develop your skills without using a potion as a clutch."
"But Professor!" Marlene interjected. "We are on the brink of something. Professor Montgomary, tell them!"
"Marlene, these side effects are serious. We think, based on the information you provided to Madame Pomfrey, that we can reverse them, but Professor Dumbledore is right. You cannot use Posterum for the rest of her life. It's meant to expand and enhance. After months of training, I believe that your mind has expended itself and that it can reach the future without help." Professor Montgomary said.
"Did you know?" Marlene asked suddenly. "Did you know that the Posterum potion could be dangerous?"
"It affects everyone differently." Montgomary answered calmly. "That is why I stressed the importance of monitoring any irregularities or side effects. That's why I asked you to complete the symptom journal, which you obviously did not take seriously."
"I did! I just didn't realize that memory loss was a symptom to look for. I didn't really realize there was an issue until yesterday!" Marlene said urgently.
"Very well." Professor Dumbledore said, returning his piercing gaze to Marlene. Marlene gulped, because it was incredibly intimidating to have Albus Dumbledore stare at you in such an intense manner. He turned to look at both Montgomary and Marlene. "From now on, your lessons will not include any potions or seer aids. They will focus on allowing Marlene to access her Sight on her own. I realize that this may be frustrating for both of you, but I will not have you risking her health. Madame Promfrey would like to go through her care regime with you, Miss McKinnon. I recommend you take it very seriously."
Marlene paid close attention to everything Madame Pomfrey said. She would have to report to the Hospital Wing for weekly check-ins. She was to take a healing potion every other day. The potion, Madame Pomfrey explained, would help relax and restore her mind. It would also help to undo the stress which has caused the memory blocks in her head. Madame Pomfrey repeatedly told Marlene that she was incredibly lucky, that the side effects could have been much worse.
Marlene didn't feel lucky, however. She was worried that she wouldn't be as successful of a Seer without Posterum. She understood Dumbledore's point and she respected that they were all just looking out for her, but she had a duty to protect the people she cared about. She was making a difference and the things she saw could potentially help bring He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named down. She felt like, for the first time in her life, she had a purpose.
"Betsy!" Alice called. "Wait up!"
Betsy Hannon was a pretty fifth year Ravenclaw. She had light brown hair that fell in soft curls. She had a small, button nose and wide eyes. Her eyes were currently rimmed red, a sure sign that she had been crying.
Betsy looked at Alice, "What?" She didn't exactly snap at Alice, but rather didn't seem too interested in what she had to say.
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss." Alice said softly. "And if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you."
"How could you possibly understand?" Betsy demanded. She blanched, realizing who Alice was. "I'm sorry. It's just the thousandth time I've heard that sentence in the last twenty-four hours."
"I bet. The worst is when people tell you that everything happens for a reason or it was all part of some grand plan of a God I'm not convinced even exists." Alice put her hand on Betsy's shoulder. "I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and that, if you want, I'll be by your side. I'm not sure what exactly I have to offer, other than a withering stare to anyone who says something stupid and a mean Bat Bogey Curse."
Betsy laughed. "That's really kind of you." There was a beat. "I have to meet with an Auror later today, the young one."
"Frank Longbottom?" Alice asked.
"Yes, that's the one. You've met him?"
"Yes, I have. He's kind and determined to find the person responsible for the attacks." Alice said.
"I'm sure he is. I'm just not certain that I'm ready to speak with him. I know they Aurors are just doing their job, that they want to catch the person responsible for… for what they did to Alex. But if I go and talk to the Auror then it means that…" She trailed off, trying to hold back her tears.
"It would mean that Alex is really gone." Alice said softly.
Betsy nodded slowly, looking up at Alice with tear stained eyes. "I could go with you, if you want." Alice said kindly. "I've met Frank before; I've been interviewed by him before. If it gets too difficult for you, I can be there to stop it."
"Would that be allowed?" Betsy asked quietly.
"Do you have any family in Hogwarts?" Alice asked abruptly. Betsy shook her head to indicate that she did not. "And you're fifteen, right? I'm not family or someone you even know well, but we have something in common that unites us far more than anyone else in this school. I'll speak to McGonagall and Frank. You need someone to look out for you."
"Thank you." Betsy said, giving Alice a watery smile. "Can I ask you something, though?"
"Sure."
"Why are you being so nice to me? You don't owe me anything." Betsy said, sounding unsure of her question.
"Owe you something? Well, no I don't owe you anything. But they killed Derek Button for the same reasons they killed Alex Cruz. Derek and I weren't as serious as you and Alex, but I can still feel the dread, pain, and anguish that I felt when I found out he was dead. I found out by reading the paper, same as you."
Alice paused, looking over Betsy's face. "You're a sweet, kind girl. I am not typically sweet or kind. The aftermath of Derek's death almost swallowed me whole, and I will not let that happen to someone else."
"I'm not sure you understand how blackmail works," Peter said threateningly to Dorian Avery. "You don't have the option to provide a counteroffer."
They were in the dungeons in an unused classroom next to Slughorn's classroom. Dorian had demanded to meet with Peter, and Peter had obliged, thinking that Dorian may have information he could use.
"Pettigrew, we grew up together." Dorian reminded him. "I'm not a liar, whatever else you think of me. I'm telling you that the things you ask of me are impossible for me to accomplish. I understand that this isn't what you want to hear. I understand that you don't feel like I'm doing enough, but I don't think you understand my position."
"You're the son of Euron Avery, one of the Dark Lord's most trusted Death Eaters." Peter said.
"I'm a sixteen-year-old child, who does what his father bids." Dorian countered.
Peter scoffed. "We aren't children anymore. None of us are."
"Be that as it may. I don't give the orders, I execute them. Even here at Hogwarts, Evan is in charge, despite the fact that it's my father who is giving the orders. I don't have any say in what happens."
Peter examined Dorian's face, looking for something to determine if Dorian was telling the truth, for some sign of guilt or remorse.
"Who killed Alex Cruz and attacked Alice and Mary?" Peter demanded.
"I told you, I don't know."
"Then why did you call me here, if it was not to give me information?"
"I came to offer you something instead. I know that we've had our differences, but there are other options for you. The Pettigrew name is still a prestigious, noble name. My father respects your father. I know you are worried about your parents. You made a choice, which put your family at risk."
Peter's eyes darkened in horror. He had known that he had put his family at risk. His father had barely spoken to him. Since September, he'd only received one letter from his father. His father was angry and scared.
"That's not your concern." Peter said coolly, though he knew that Dorian had spotted his weakness.
"Perhaps not. But I wonder if I can buy your silence. Keep my secret, and I can help you protect your family from the Dark Lord."
Peter scoffed again. "How? You've already admitted your not in charge, that you have no say in anything. How could you possibly help me if you completely lack any authority."
"I'll write to my father, tell him Peter Pettigrew and his family are our allies. I'm not asking anything for you, not yet. You and I we aren't anything to either side of this war, not yet. We have a year and a half to do whatever we like. But we both know, after graduation, we'll be expected to fight on opposite sides."
Peter blinked at Dorian, refusing to understand what the other boy was suggesting.
"You don't have to make a decision now; you don't have to choose a side. All our lives we've been told that there is only one option, one path for us. I've been groomed to be a Death Eater; you've been groomed to hide in the shadows. So, let's be the people that have been made to be." Dorian was smiling now, as Peter stared at him in horror.
"Stay in the shadows, Peter. Join the resistance, the Phoenixes. You have just as little choice as I do, with the company you keep. Listen, learn, and adapt. Neither side will make you fight, Pete. You deal in information, you always have." Dorian gestured between himself and Peter as if this conversation proved his point. Peter was inclined to believe that it did.
"You'll spill our family secrets – tell Dumbledore all about our families, their weaknesses. Share everything you've learned over the course of your life. But tell me everything you learn, working for the other side."
"You're despicable." Peter spat.
"I am." Dorian acknowledged. "But answer me this: do you intend to die in this war? If you fight for Dumbledore, you will die for Dumbledore."
Peter blanched, fear spilling through his body. He knew those words were true, even before Dorian had said them. He had always struggled with the idea of having to fight for something that didn't really affect him. Button and Cruz's deaths had shaken him in a way that he hadn't expected. He had known Cruz fairly well; they were both in the Chess Club together. Cruz had been his friend, and he'd been tortured and murdered.
He didn't know Button particularly well, but he knew Alice. He'd never seen Alice so shaken before. Strong, witty, angry Alice had been reduced to a sad and heartbroken mess. She lacked the fire she normally possessed, that made people fear her. Now people mostly just pitied her.
Peter knew the deaths would continue. He knew that he was no great fighter. He was cunning, which would certainly help in the upcoming war, but that would only get him so far. Dorian was speaking candidly, laying out options that truthfully Peter had already considered himself. It disgusted him to even think himself capable of playing the double agent. It would put his friends' lives in danger, it could get them killed. But it would keep Peter alive, and that was the thought that swirled in the back of his head.
"You don't have to decide now." Dorian reminded him. "Just think about it. Think about what side you think will win."
"What if I don't know what side will win?" Peter asked, his voice barely a whisper.
"What better way to ensure you're on the winning side, then." Dorian smirked. "Then to be on both sides."
There was a beat, and Peter stared at Dorian. "Just think about it, Pete. That's all I'm asking."
Dead. Alex Cruz was dead. Severus reflected on that, as he stared at the paper. Evan had clapped him on the back when he'd heard the news. Severus really was not certain if that was to congratulate him or to console him.
It was an odd feeling, knowing you've killed someone. He didn't mean to kill Alex, that wasn't his objective. Cruz dying was far kinder than what had been planned for him, but still Severus couldn't shake the awful sense of finality of it all. He had killed a man, taken away his life. It had been a slow, painful death, Severus imagined.
And for what? What did Alex Cruz die for?
He attacked Cruz because he had been given orders, orders which he knew he had to follow. But he hadn't asked to be recruited. Evan had insisted that he'd be a valuable asset. Evan had convinced Severus that no one would appreciate his talents and skills more than the Dark Lord. Before that, no one, save Slughorn, Lily, and Evan had ever recognized his talents.
Severus was far more talented than the other students in his year. Hell, he was far more talented than the other students in the school. How many of them could produce a Corporeal Patronus? How many of the students had created their own spells or created their own potions? How many had dedicated themselves to discovering magic that had long since forgotten?
But the Professors never gave him any credit. The students didn't admire his abilities, despite the fact that they were far superior to their own. He wouldn't win any popularity contests or any awards from the Professors. Evan had believed in him, as precious few others had.
He'd viewed it as a gift, as something precious and special. Evan promised him he'd be someone important, and he supposed he was. The Death Eaters had proven that they needed his skills. While many of them were skilled wizards, none of them were accomplished Potioniers. Very few wizards were able to master potion making, to understand the art and complexity of brewing a perfect potion. The organization certainly needed someone of his caliber.
Yet, Severus did not feel happy. He'd gain power, fortune, and respect by joining the Death Eaters. Everything he always craved. Well, almost everything. Severus thought that Lily would see him for how great he was, if he joined ranks. Now he knew that he had deluded himself to believing that because he wanted to feel important. There was no future for him and Lily as it was, and there'd be even less of a chance if he joined the Death Eaters.
If Lily ever found out that he'd been the one to murder Alex Cruz, he wasn't sure what she'd do. She knew he was capable of horrible things. She's always helped curb his most bloodthirsty impulses. Yet, despite it all he had still ended up here.
He was a murderer.
He had taken a life, and there was no going back. There were no other options for Severus except the one he so foolishly chose. It wasn't fair. He had wanted out. There was no out now. Alex Cruz wasn't supposed to die, but people rarely did what they were supposed to do.
Murderer. He was a murderer.
Severus hadn't slept in days. He had dark rings under his eyes, and his swallow skin looked even paler. He looked sick and deranged. His eyes were gaunt, and he'd lost weight. He hadn't been going to his classes, he hadn't been going to meals. He just laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling.
It's where he was now, reflecting on his decisions. He knew that he had made all of the wrong decisions. He knew he wanted to correct the choices he made. But how? He couldn't bring Alex Cruz back to life. He couldn't switch sides – it would cost him his life. And Lily would never run away with him. Not now.
"Alex Cruz is dead, Severus." Her voice was shaky and her eyes wide, with tears threatening to fall from them. "If you can look me in the eye and tell me that you were in no way involved, that you didn't know it was going to happen, that you weren't a part of it, then we can talk."
He had just stood there, like a fool. How could he lie to Lily, who always knew his heart? He could have lied, he reflected. He was a skilled liar. He had to be. He had been lying his whole life. He lied to his teachers in primary, telling them that he'd fallen off the swing or got hit in the face while playing outside. He lied to his mother, telling her that one day they'd get away from it all, that he'd take them away from his father's clutches. He lied to himself, telling himself that everything would be okay. He lied to his friends, telling them he only lusted after Lily, that he thought he could seduce her. He lied to Lily, telling her that she had nothing to worry about. He lied to himself, believing that Lily would never fall for Potter. The lies drowned him, consuming Severus until he didn't know where he started and the lies began.
Yet she had asked, given him an opening that he could have used to keep her in his life, and somehow he couldn't lie. So he stood, like a goddamn fool, and watched Lily Evans walk out of his life forever. He had a chance to earn her forgiveness, But he didn't deserve it. He was a murderer now. He had finally chosen his path. He needed to accept that this was who he was now- a murderer. A Death Eater. He would be all of the things he'd always wanted to be: powerful, respected, and feared. It just wouldn't mean a goddamn thing.
James had just helped his parents in bed for their afternoon nap. They were showing remarkable progress. He was so proud of his parents and so grateful that the procedure was working. It was hard to see them vulnerable, but each passing day showed more progress. Just yesterday, James had told Lily that his mother was telling stories about James when he was six years old. Now, she was telling stories about dropping James off at Kings Cross Station his first year of Hogwarts. It was remarkable.
If asked, James would say that this was one of the best days that he had in a very long time. Between Lily and his parents, he decided that things were finally looking up for him. There was still a war raging, and a classmate had just passed away, but there was hope in his heart for the first time in months.
Lily Evans wasn't ready for a relationship, but he'd already known that. She said she wasn't sure how she felt about him, but she depended on him, missed him deeply when he was gone. It wasn't exactly where he wanted to be, but it was miles closer than where he'd been. He glanced down at the letter he composed to send back to her, wondering if it was adequate enough. He wanted to give her confused mind some solace while also conveying he was still deeply interested. Simultaneously, he wanted to keep her curiosity piqued, keep her interested in him.
Lily,
You are not a bitch. Please don't ever say that about yourself again. You are by far the most forgiving and kind person I have ever met. You've forgiven me, and I've done despicable, unforgivable things. You forgave and understood when I told you about Sirius. You accepted Remus for who he was and only felt sadness and empathy for his plight. You'll forgive Mary, if you haven't already, even though she hasn't been very kind to you.
You're not conceited and you're not wrong. I haven't been subtle, because it's hard for me to not compliment you, not crave closeness, not to want you. I won't lie to you: you are everything I want. But I will wait. I've been your acquaintance and you're enemy. I much prefer to be your friend. I know you said we couldn't spend the rest of our days in the Room of Requirement and I know you're right, but I'd gladly spend the rest of my days with you, by the fire, eating treacle tarts, and laughing at each other.
But I owe you an apology. I did act like a jealous boyfriend. I was sincerely afraid for your life, but when I found you safe, I was worried about Snape. I'm sorry, I should not have acted the way I did. My mother did always tell me to act the part of the role I wanted, but I suppose nobody actually wants to be a jealous boyfriend.
Take all the time you need to figure out your feelings. Whatever you decide, I will be your friend for the rest of my days. I will wait, because I am fairly certain your decision will be in my favor. But even if it isn't, I will never stop caring about you. I will never stop wanting you in my life.
Love Always,
James
It didn't convey everything he wanted it to, and he thought he should remove the part about her deciding in his favor, but as he reread the letter, he realized that it was incredibly honest. He did think he'd win her heart. Perhaps it was cocky and arrogant and a whole slew of other things that she had openly admitted to detesting, but it was exactly what he thought.
He thought that it accomplished everything that he wanted it to, excepting the part where he was keeping her interested. He hoped his honesty, his devotion to her would be enough. He hadn't stopped flirting with her even in letter format, but she openly admitted to liking it, so he couldn't find fault in that.
He wondered what her response would be. He'd see her in two weeks at Alex Cruz's memorial. She had promised to visit him during the Holidays as well. He contemplated inviting her over to stay. Sirius was keen on the idea – "I won't have to remember to respond to her bloody letters" – but James wondered what her parents would think. They weren't dating, but he was certain that if he met the Evans, his intentions would be obvious. His parents would love her, of that he was certain, and there would be someone else there to help him.
He had thought Sirius would be a help – and he was in his own way – but Sirius' behavior was becoming more and more concerning as time progressed. Of the four days they had been home, Sirius had been drunk for three. He made sure that he helped James before starting to drink, which James was grateful for. He woke up extremely hungover, took a Pepper Up Potion in the morning, and then went about his day if nothing had happened.
He was drinking alone. He had invited James to join him several times, and James would be lying if he said he hadn't. But by the time the offer had been given, Sirius was already drunk. It wasn't like how it used to be, when they snuck off to get drunk together, either sneaking to Hogsmead or some corner of the castle. He was alone, bitter, and angry.
"Prongs, come join me!" Sirius demanded, as James entered Sirius' room.
Sirius was sprawled out on his king size bed, a bottle of Firewhiskey in his hand. The bottle was half empty, and James suspected the bottle had been full when Sirius had begun drinking. James accepted the bottle, looking at his friend appraisingly. He took a small swig because he wondered if he would need his wits about him at some point during the night.
"That's not a drink!" Sirius slurred, grabbing the bottle and gulping down a significant portion of the remaining liquor. "Now that's a drink."
"You don't want to drink with me, Prongs?" Sirius asked. His words ran together. "You don't want to drink with the scourge of the Black Family? The man who walked out on his own brother? The man who has no family?"
"You have family, Padfoot." James said. "We are related, remember. And even if we weren't, you'd still be my brother."
"Aye. You are my brother, and I yours. But you and Evans are going to run off together and get married, sooner rather than later, and you'll leave me alone."
"Merlin, Padfoot, I think you're getting ahead of yourself. I'd actually have to convince her to be with me first." James laughed, taking a larger swig of firewhiskey this time, if only to prevent Sirius from drinking it.
"You will." Sirius said. "Lily and I understand each other perfectly. I couldn't have chosen a better bird for you, Prongs, even if she'll whisk you away."
"Why would that be such a thing, even if it does happen?" James demanded.
"It won't be. I'll be so happy for you. But I'll be alone again. It won't be Prongs and Padfoot, Black and Potter, Sirius and James anymore. It will be Lily and James. You'll be an us and I'll be a has been."
"Do you honestly think I could ever forget about you, mate?" James said.
"But you will. Because Lily will want you, and that's all you've ever wanted. You'll be so wrapped up in it, that you'll forget about me. I'll have Remus and Peter of course, because Merlin knows they're hopeless with women, but it won't ever be the same. It's the end of an era. I think we should spend every night until that fateful night celebrating just like this."
"You are a lousy drunk, Sirius Black." James said coldly. "Even if Lily and I start dating, you and I will still be brothers. She thinks of you like a brother, too. You think of her like family, too. You told her you'd die for her."
"I would." Sirius acknowledged. "But as soon as you two start, you'll never finish."
"Why is that a bad thing? You've said yourself that it's all I've ever wanted."
"It will be a great thing. I'll be so happy for you. I fully intend to be the best man at your wedding. I just don't relish being replaced."
There was no reasoning with Sirius, though James had tried, getting progressively drunker and drunker as he did. Sirius, however, was determined in his belief.
James knew that Sirius was drunk and sometimes drunk people say things they don't really mean. More often, however, they said things they truly meant. The letter today proved Sirius' point, that Lily and James were inevitable. James knew he had to have a conversation with Sirius, but he wasn't sure what to say.
Perhaps he was unkind in showing Sirius the letter, but it was his first instinct. He was incredibly happy; he finally had a chance with Lily. Sirius was the first person he wanted to tell. Sirius had been happy for him; at least sober Sirius was. James was beginning to worry that telling Sirius wasn't the smartest idea.
Mary reread the letter that Marlene had given to her, wondering what she could possibly do with this information. The letter called out Mulciber as her attacker; it was penned in her hand, so it had to be true. They hadn't taken her memories the first time, but they had taken it away in October.
Mary wasn't sure why Marlene gave her this letter. It didn't help her in any way. She knew who to fear now, but she had always known who to fear. She might not have known that it was Mulciber specifically, but she could have made several educated guesses, and his name would have been at the top of the list.
So Mulciber was guilty. What could she do with that information? She couldn't accuse him. He was a Mulciber, completely untouchable. If they didn't "make her disappear" for accusing Mulciber, they certainly wouldn't take her accusations seriously. Dumbledore would, but he was powerless against the school board. The school board was in the pocket of the purebloods. Actually, that wasn't necessarily true. The school board WERE the purist.
Mary sighed. There was nothing she could do. She could be attacked again, although the attacks had halted since October. They would resume, Mary guessed, once the death of Alex Cruz died down. This was the point of the attacks: to dishearten and destroy hope.
Mary headed down to the common room, where her friends were waiting for her to go to dinner. She walked down the stairs slowly, moving one foot on each step, then the other. She straightened her back and squared her shoulders. If she acted like a victim, she would be continuously treated like one.
Mulciber and his gang of Slytherins had attacked her. Twice. Mulciber and his gang of Slytherins had also attacked Alex Cruz twice. She was alive and he was dead, which was lucky for her and quite unlucky for him. It wasn't fair for either of them, neither had done anything to deserve being attacked. Yet she was alive, and he was dead.
Mary made the decision, right then and there, she was going to earn her right to live. She was alive, so she had to recognize how lucky she was. She was going to use her life to make the world a better place, to fight. She hadn't been sure, not until just now, but she was fully convinced.
Mary McDonald was not a victim; she was a fighter.
Mary came down the stairs and smiled at her friends. Lily smiled back, happy to see her friend. She looked taller somehow, and Lily was glad. Mary had been downtrodden for weeks. Lily couldn't blame her, of course, but it was still nice to see her in good spirits.
"Come on!" Marlene demanded. "I'm hungry and we've been waiting forever for you."
"You're so dramatic, Marley." Mary chided with a playful grin. "It's been ten minutes."
"A long ten minutes." Alice said. "You haven't had to hear Marlene whine for those ten minutes."
"You are all dramatic." Lily said, smirking at her three best friends. "But let's go. I'm starting to get cranky. If I don't eat soon, I'm going to turn into a monster."
"Oi! Where's Potter when you need him?" Marlene asked. "He was very good at keeping you properly fed."
Lily hummed, thinking about the letter she had just received from him. She hadn't had a chance to read it, but her heart was pounding at the thought of what it could say. "He keeps sweets in his pockets for me." She sniffed. "None of you lot have ever done something like that for me."
"Now who is dramatic?" Mary asked, as the four girls made the way to the Great Hall. They were late for dinner, but only by a few minutes. When they entered, Dumbledore was already speaking.
"- events, these new rules will be put into effect immediately." The girls' heads snapped up, as they quickly took seats at the back of the Gryffindor table next to Remus and Peter.
"All students will return to their house common rooms by eight o'clock every evening, including prefects. Prefect rounds have been canceled. No student is allowed to roam the castle alone, you must be accompanied by at least one other student or a professor. If you have questions, please speak with your Head of House."
A murmur went through the students. As they began to understand what these new restrictions meant, the murmur turned fearful, angry, and resentful.
"The ministry is investigating the attacks. If an Auror or other ministry official requests a meeting, I expect everyone will tell the truth. Furthermore, the Quidditch season will be suspended until further notice, along with all other club and group activities." Dumbledore continued.
The students responded with more outrage, and this time Lily could not blame them.
"I regret that it has come to such drastic measures, but until a culprit has been caught, the school must take precautionary measures to keep the students safe. If anyone has any information at all, I urge you to come forward."
Lily's eyes flitted over to the Slytherin table. Severus Snape stared back at her, a hard look in his eyes. He was guilty, she realized. He had attacked Alex Cruz. He had murdered Alex Cruz. She broke eye contact with him, as dread and realization hit her. She had been suspicious, but she didn't actually think Severus was guilty, she just thought he knew who was.
Dinner passed slowly, and Lily contemplated everything she knew. She sighed, wishing James were here. Except, James was a little biased regarding the subject of Severus. Alice sent her a quizzical look, lifting her eyebrow up. Lily shook her head.
She ended up in Dumbledore's office. It was 7:30 pm. She was going to be late on the first day of the new curfew, she realized.
"Is there something you wish to tell me, Miss Evans?" Dumbledore asked. Lily gulped. She really hadn't thought about what she was going to say.
"Yes, there is." Lily said, taking a deep breath. "I'm worried about another student, and I didn't know where else to go."
Dumbledore's eyes bore into hers. "Go on, Miss Evans."
"I think Severus Snape is being recruited by the Death Eaters." Lily said softly. "He came to me a few weeks ago. He told me that the Death Eaters asked him to brew potions and create spells for them."
"This is a serious accusation." Dumbledore said.
"I'm worried about him." Lily said in a small voice. "I thought I could help him. I tried for so long to be there for him, but this… this is beyond me."
"Thank you for coming to me. It takes courage to admit that you need help."
Lily started to walk out but turned around just as she reached the door. "Please just help him."
"So, what exactly am I supposed to do?" Marlene demanded. "It doesn't feel the same without the Posterum."
"You have the ability without Posterum. All the potion did was enhance your abilities. Take a deep breath and open your mind."
Marlene tried again, closing her eyes. Imagining her feet weighing down her body, as Montgomary hummed. It was their routine, but it felt forced. She couldn't feel the darkness overtake her; she couldn't feel the pull of another time.
She opened her eyes, peering at the Professor. "Nothing is happening."
"Because you aren't believing in yourself. You can do it; I've seen you do it. Try again."
Marlene tried again. And again. And again, but somehow nothing happened. She tried reaching for her guide, opening her heart and mind to him, calling out to him with her mind. Still nothing.
"This is pointless." Marlene grumbled. "I'm trying too hard. It's easier when the visions come to me."
"Let's focus on your last vision." Montgomary conceded. "It happened without the Posterum, right?"
"Yes, but I was asleep." Marlene deadpanned.
"We can work with that." Montgomary smiled. "We'll need to alter our meetings to the mornings. You may be more susceptible to a vision right after you've woken up. In the meantime we will review your last vision."
They went to the pensive, watching James and Lily fight, then kiss, and then the altercation between Lily, James, Mulciber, and Avery.
"Its weird." Marlene commented. "It's almost like I'm seeing two different versions of the future. There's one where James and Lily are happy, where they plan on living together and fighting against the Death Eaters. But then there's this whole other timeline, the one I think this one belongs in."
"What do you mean?" Montgomary questioned.
"I have a few other visions to show you. They all happened this week." Marlene mumbled.
Montgomary narrowed his eyes. "It's imperative that you show me all of our visions, so that I can help you understand and interrupt their meaning."
Marlene nodded. "I know. It just feels wrong." At Montgomary's frustrated look, she added. "They're my friends and I'm seeing their most intimate moments. It feels gross."
"I know, but perhaps you can help them with your knowledge."
Marlene sighed, but pulled the memory of the visions from her head, dropping them into the mist. Montgomary and Mary leaned into the pensive, watching Marlene's vision unfold.
They were in the library. Lily and James sitting at a table studying. It was late in the evening, the torches casting a warm fire glow on the two students' faces.
"I still can't believe you're Head Boy." Lily said, a slight challenge in her voice.
"Me either." James replied calmly. "I'm just glad I get to spend more time with you."
Lily sighed and looked up at James. "I'm happy, too." But she didn't sound or look happy. James appraised Lily quietly, looking at her across the table.
"I don't know what I did, Lily." James practically pleaded. "Last year we were so in sync, and now it's like you barely want to be around me."
"I didn't say that!" Lily cried. "Things have just been hard."
"Hard how?" James demanded. "What aren't you telling me?"
"Something happened." She whispered, fear evident in her face.
"Tell me."
"I-"
But Marlene and Montgomary never got to see the rest as they were yanked out of the memory.
"What happened?" Montgomary asked.
"I woke up." Marlene said.
And then they were on to the next memory.
Lily was in a bed, though not her own - Marlene didn't recognize it. She was not in Hogwarts or her childhood home.
There was a knock on the door before a man entered. Marlene didn't recognize him at first, he was older. The years had not been kind to him. He was still greasy, still swallow and pale.
"I brought you food." He said softly.
Lily snorted. She looked older, too, on closer inspection. The years hadn't been kind to her, either. Her hair was matted, no longer silky and smooth. Her eyes were dull and rimmed with red. Her clothes looked clean but drab.
"How kind." Lily said sarcastically. "My capture brings me all of my favorites."
"Lily, I'm not holding you prisoner." Severus said softly. "I just want you to get strong again before we leave."
"And where are we going?" She demanded.
"We are going to run away, just like I asked you to ten years ago."
"Why?" The word fell from her lips in the bitterest tone Marlene had ever Lily use.
"To keep you safe, Lily." He looked at her with an odd look, as if it should have been obvious.
"What does it matter?" Lily asked, her voice devoid of emotion. "They're all gone. Marlene, Alice and her baby, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and James. They're all dead."
"Potter?" Snape snapped. "Seriously, we're talking about Potter?"
"I loved him." She said this with conviction, the most emotion she had displayed this entire conversation. "I loved them all."
"I'm sorry." He seemed genuinely sorry that she was hurting, even if he depised the people she was mourning.
"There's no point in running. They'll find us."
"Not where we're going." Severus said.
"Here. There. It doesn't matter." She deadpanned. It was clear she wasn't going to fight him. She was done fighting.
"What happened to you?" Severus asked, horror written all over his features.
Lily scoffed again, looking incredulously at Severus. "I was kidnapped, beaten, raped, and tortured. I destroyed every relationship I had in an attempt to dull the pain. And then every single person I loved was killed, one by one."
"Lily, we'll get through this." Severus said.
Lily laughed again, an empty, hollow laugh. "Sure."
"I'll do whatever you need," Seberus begged.
Lily laughed again. "Don't you get it, Snape?" There was anger, real emotion, in her voice. "It won't get better. It never does. After Marlene died, they all told me it'd get better. Then they killed Sirius, then Alice and her newborn son, then they found Peter or what was left of him. Then Remus. And then they found James. They found him with the words 'Muggle fucker' carved into his forehead. He had been tortured and starved. Even after I pushed him away, even after I broke his heart, they still killed him. Because of me."
"You killed Avery and Mulciber." Snape said quietly. "After that there was nothing I could do or say to protect you."
"I'm still alive." Lily snapped. "Clearly that was your doing. Everyone else is dead because of me."
"Not because of you! We were at war. People die in wars."
"And how many of them did you kill, huh Sev?" Lily growled. "Which one of my loved ones did you kill?"
Severus' face was stone. "I left the Death Eaters, betrayed my friends and family to save your life." His voice was as soft as it was cold. "I gave up everything. And still you accuse me."
"You didn't deny it." Lily cried angrily. "You gave up everything for me, but you can't tell me the truth. Not even now."
"All I've ever done is love you, Lily." Severus' voice broke. "All I've ever done is try to protect you."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is it supposed to shock me? You love me? Then kill me. It's the only thing that will bring me peace now."
Lily's face was heartbreakingly sad, and Marlene blinked back tears. Severus' face was worse, the carefully carved mask slipping away revealing horror, shock, and anguish.
The memory faded, and Montgomary looked at Marlene with sadness.
"I think there's two, or possibly more, futures. I can't explain, but they feel different, separate. The vision of Lily killing Mulciber and Avery, James and Lily in the library, and Snape and Lily are all a part of one possible timeline. This last memory is a different timeline."
Lily was in Marlene's family home. She was smiling, and laughing with Mary and Alice.
"I hear I'm not the only one with good news, Mrs. Longbottom?" Lily said, grinning at Alice.
"I do have news, Mrs. Potter." Alice said, a hand on her stomach.
"When are you due?" Lily asked.
"July 28th." Alice said, returning Lily's smile.
"I'm due the 29th," Lily chuckled. Lily and Alice smiled at each other, both looking incredibly happy and excited for the future.
They were back in Montgomary's office.
"I think everything we've seen is connected to one of these timelines. I think we have to figure out how it all fits together." Marlene said, prepared to argue with Montgomary.
"I think you may be right." Montgomary said, getting up and heading to his shelf. He searched for a book and handed it to Marlene. It was at least 1000 pages long and had thick, leather binding.
"Visions and Multiple Timelines: An In Depth Look at the Future Possibilities. That looks like a fun read." Marlene groaned.
"You need to learn how to decipher multiple timelines. From now one, our sessions will be structured differently. We'll review your visions and determine which vision is a part of which timeline. Maybe we'll start to see a pattern."
"Joy." Marlene said, as her stomach twisted at the thought of her visions. Her future, no matter what timeline was involved, did not look very long.
AN: thoughts? Please leave a review, you have no idea how excited I get when I get feedback! Thank you all for reading and for making it this far :)