Like, how did it all go so totally wrong?
Three weeks ago, Lillian had been chilling with her girls - enjoying life, defacing churches and totally not giving a shit about what anyone else thought. In three short weeks, Miss Yu had taken the delicate tissue paper of their lives and blown her wad all over it.
One week to worm into their lives. Two weeks to slither under Zoey's skirts. Now, it was like she ruled the roost, leaving her mark on every inch of the apartment. Dirty dishes piled up in the kitchen, clothes hung off every piece of furniture and the empty beer cans in the bathroom couldn't be cleared out fast enough.
And beyond all that mess lay something unfathomable: mainstream Christmas.
Lillian surveyed her apartment, her home, trying to find anything familiar beneath the tacky Christmas ornaments overtaking the loft like weeds. Old St. Nick's huge, cartoony face was tacked up in every windowpane. Jolly elves danced upon the walls alongside candy canes, snowmen and reindeer pulling a sleigh. The Yule log centerpiece on the dining table had been uprooted for a tiny, chintzy statue of Santa in a polo shirt with a bag of golf clubs. Pushing the button on his belly made a tinny voice box proclaim "ho-ho-hooole in one!"
The god's eye crafts Suki had hand-spun and mounted above the TV were barely visible below a wall banner proclaiming "Happy Holidays".
Happy Holidays. Mom had always gotten her panties in a knot whenever the TV stations refused to say 'Merry Christmas' (all that inclusivity crap,) and Lillian was strangely starting to see eye to eye. Yuletide Greetings! Like, we're witches, we celebrate our own shit!
Lillian turned to the architect of this crappy Santa village for answers. "I thought Christmas was a sellout holiday."
"Oh it is." Zoey smiled brightly as she added snowmen and elf ornaments to their yuletide tree. "But I decided it was important to be open-minded about other people's cultural practices. You know, focus on things that unite rather than divide."
Lillian eyed the boxes of thrift store decorations. "So you decided to like, join the crowd and go shopping?"
"I did! Aiko mentioned how much she loves Christmas displays and all these were on sale! Do you think she'll like it?"
Lillian didn't answer. She just marched into Zoey's grill and said it like it was.
"You've gone soft."
More specifically, she'd gone soft girl. Lillian sized up Zoey's new wardrobe, straight out of a high school bimbo's Instagram gallery: white knee socks, a pleated mini-tartan that skirted her thighs; a strappy tank top in pastel pink and lavender. The logo on today's garbage fire read Pretty Kitty.
Zoey had even changed her hair and make-up: for maximum spunk, she'd bundled her dreads into a high, off-center ponytail. To max out her baby-face, she'd gone heavy on the pink eyeliner and blush, with a smear of sparkly lip gloss to tap that perfect, juicy innocence. Of the old Zoey, only her spiked goggles remained.
"You look like a schoolgirl from a porno." Like, she wouldn't complain if this was a one-off photo shoot. (That skirt looked hella-good swishing against Zoey's ass) but her friend was wearing these day in, day out!
"And what's with the skinny tie?" Lillian's pointed at Zoey's neck and the black cord dangling to her navel.
"Oh, it's actually a leash." Zoey jangled the leather cord to demonstrate how it clipped into her bubble-gum pink collar. "Aiko thought it would improve our communication."
"Whu-?"
Said ex-teacher just then returned from a grocery run, humming Jingle Bells. "Hey, girls! How're my coven sisters? Ooh, this place is looking holly and jolly!"
Aiko plopped her paper bags on the kitchen counter, tossed her trenchcoat into the nearest window frame and sauntered over. Her fingers looped around Zoey's leash and gave a gentle tug. The ex-cybergoth beamed. "At once, Miss Alice!"
Miss Yumi flashed a wink and strutted for Zoey's bedroom. Lillian stood aghast.
"Miss Alice?"
Zoey's happy bubble burst. "Oh shoot, I wasn't supposed to -" Well, that cat was out of the bag.
"Aiko thought it would improve the mood if we gave each other names. You know, help us get into persona. She's Miss Alice; my name is Doll."
"Doll? Your name is Doll?" Dingus, Dickwad and Dumbass Thot had more dignity than that pet name! "Zoey, you're a fucking tool!"
"A bottom, Lillian. I'm a bottom. My sexual energy is best expressed through acts of submission."
"So you lie down and take it? Doesn't sound like the Zoey effin' Greene I know."
"Lil, it's still me. I'm the same Zoey you've known all these months. I'm just exploring a new dimension of my sexual identity."
Lillian rolled her eyes but the new, tolerant Zoey would have none of it. She clasped Lillian's hands, securing her attention as she confessed.
"Lil, I didn't always present as cybergoth. Did you know I used to identify as a cybernetic android? Before that, I went by my fursona: Zo-Zo the blue ocelot with dragon wings, she/her. There might still be pictures I missed deleting; look it up if you want to see a walking disaster."
"Why're you telling me -?"
"Because I've always been changing, Lil. My identity is fluid. Every time I evolve, I cut away what I don't need and get a little closer to realizing my true self. Lillian, Aiko's helping me discover who I really am!"
"So the real Zoey keeps a leash around her neck, bends over and yaps 'thanks, gimmie some more'? Freakin' unbelievable!"
"Lillian, Aiko's seen the world, she's used real magic! There's so much I need to learn from her!"
Zoey spewed her shit like a leaky toilet and Lillian did her best to take it all in, to be chill and respectful even as raw sewage was being crapped all over her.
"Y'know, my mom used to dress me up like you."
Her thoughts swept back to her days as a teenybopper: mommy curling her blonde hair into little ringlets and tugging a pink ballgown over her head. Being paraded on stage for cutesy-poo beauty pageants. "Back then, I was mommy's little Lilly Pie and making her happy was like, my reason for living."
Zoey nodded. "Your mom showed us the videos. See, you've changed as well!"
"No shit! Once I figured out what a soulless, brainless Barbie I'd looked like, I dyed my hair, bought my own clothes and made my own rules! What kind of garbage-headed idiot would go back to that shit?"
"Exactly!"
But Zoey's smile faltered when Lillian refused to join in. "Like, lemmie say it again, doll: what kind of garbage-headed idiot would go back to that shit?"
Zoey's eyes darkened. "It's like you think you can control me."
"Excuse me?"
"Aiko warned me about this. How my friends would hold me back, try and mold me to fit in with society. I don't need that negativity from you, Lillian."
"Zoe, what the fuck's gotten into ya?"
"I mean, for someone who keeps saying how few fucks they give, you're certainly making my love life your business! Why do you care?"
"Because I-"
Lillian froze. Her chest tightened.
That was a good question.
"I don't freakin' know! I just don't like seeing my friend getting hurt, m'kay?"
"Look, I'm fine, Lillian. This is my choice. Now, can we put this all behind us? We're doing a make-up night since we missed Friday's D'nD campaign, right?"
"... right."
Why do I care?
As Lillian set up the campaign, those four words ate away at her brain. Why do I care? Like, that's the question. Wasn't it totally nobler to just mind her own beeswax, to let Zoey get slinged and arrowed by her own shitty decisions? Was it her job to armor up and go against the sea of trouble that was Miss Yu? Oppose her, cancel her?
That heavy hand gripped her heart again. Like, we've known each other less than a year. Why can't I just walk away?
"Lillian, can we get started?"
Oh yeah, the campaign. Wake up, mush-for-brains! Lillian would have to give this session her all. The character Miss Yu had rolled seemed custom-built to drive DMs nuts: a buff samurai dude whose defining trait seemed to be 'large ham'.
"Ahoy, yon party members! Verily, I have been sent by Duke Markus of Kane to aid ye in yonder mission!"
Seriously, who freakin' introduced themselves with like, a Shakespeare monologue?
"Greetings, strange traveler! Tell us about yourself," said Blake the warlock, initiating the most pretentious self-introduction in the history of forever!
"Verily, mine name doth be Hanzo! I hail from the Eastern shores of um... Glug-Lug! An outcast from the noble Sake clan!"
Blake's gasp was the stuff of B-movie legends. "An outcast!"
"Glug-Lug?" Lillandra flatlined. "Omigod, wow. Really breaking the bank on names."
"An outcast, verily! For my sensual heart refused to constrain its passions to the protocols of proper society."
"Couldn't keep your dick in ye olde trousers, huh, Hanzy?"
Miss Yu shot her a wink.
"Alas, my grandfather sentenced me to exile! Cursed to follow the path of my hands and... eternally wander."
Below the table, Zoey gave a quick squeak. "Not here," she whined.
"What did you do, Hanzo-san?"
"Watashi wa yoi tomodachi to baka ni aimashita."
"N-nani?"
Blake coughed. "In the common tongue, perhaps?"
"Ah, yes! I arrived on the shores of Ukiyo, greeted by those I thought would be my friends. Alas, I was gravely mistaken. My closest confidante betrayed my trust and shattered my most precious family heirloom. Meanwhile, the so-called friends who remained were wolves hiding under the skins of lambs. They sought to curb and control my passions - locking me in a cell, sending apothecaries to numb me with medicines and priests to lecture me into obedience. You need help taking control of your life, Aik- err, I mean, Hanzo! Good listeners, these devils sought to remove the very heart of all that is Hanzo!"
Blake gasped. "What did you do?"
"Nani, nani?" Cera chimed.
"I doth escaped and affirmed my vow to enjoy all of life's most sensual pleasures! Then I, y'know, needed cash so Duke Kane told me to meet you guys. As to the end of my sad tale -" Miss Yumi paused for dramatic weight, "- that shall be for yonder trio to decide."
Cera and Blake burst into applause. Lillandra rolled her eyes. "Wow, tragic backstory, much? Way to Gary Stu it, Miss Yu."
"I know not this Garreth Stuart you speak of but I am prepared to aid ye on yon quest! Behold my inventory: the Sword Unbreakable, the Breastplate Impenetrable and the Helmet Invulnerable!"
Cera gave a well-timed "Oooh!" Lillian just frowned.
"Lemmie see that character sheet..."
"Whoa, no need to get grabby -"
"Standard starting armor is -"
"Lillian, she's just doing flavor text."
"-wait, 18... 19... 18? Did you seriously roll these stats?"
"Luck of the dice, Lilly Pie."
"Zoe, this cheater totally fudged her rolls!"
"Lil, it's just a game."
"It's my game!"
"Aha! Dost yonder necromancer verily desire a fight?"
"Say that to my face again and you're getting a magic missile right up your samurai ass."
"Mmm, I didn't peg you for that kinky shit, Lilly Pie."
"Omigod! Zoey, she's doing it again!"
"Mina-san! Yameru!" Suki-chan threw her hands up like a hippie halting a row of tanks. "Can't we just play and be happy?"
"Fine," Lillian huffed. "But like, cut the crap with the 'yon' and 'verily', m'kay? It like, totally pisses me off when people like, freakin' throw in weird words to sound cool."
Miss Yu nodded. "Like, totally."
Back in the adventure, Blake cleared their throat. "Welcome to our band of adventurers, Sir Hanzo. I am Blake the Warlock, they/them."
"Greetings, Blake the Warlock. I hope that on our travels we can get to know one another more... intimately."
Hippy-dippy Suki-chan smiled on; only Lillian caught the first of many eye-twitches to come.
"- and the bog wraiths go down hard. Everyone gets 324 XP and Lillandra grabs the final crest of valour. Nice work, team."
"We did it!"
"Yatta!"
"Omedetō, Suki-chan. Anata wa orokadesuga, anata wa yakunitachimasu."
"Um, arigato?" Another eye twitch.
Thanks to some behind-the-scenes DM number fudging, Hanzo hadn't just one-shot every monster they'd came across, though it left Cera and Blake in some close calls. Unbelievably, every time Blake took a bad hit, Hanzo kept swooping to the rescue like some prissy white knight. "Lemmie check under your armor for wounds, doll."
"Hanzo, Cera needs a potion too!"
"Jibun no mendō o mite, futotta on'nanoko."
"Huh?"
Wordlessly, Miss Yu leaned over and tapped on Suki's character sheet. "Oh... I guess I do have lots of my own."
Lillian didn't like the way Suki's breathing was getting shallower.
"Next, Hanzo gives Blake a victory slap on her nice, tight ass. What's say you and me share a room at the inn tonight?"
"No." Suki's chirp surprised them all. The week-long smile she'd plastered onto her face had fallen loose. Aw crap...
"No, Blake-chan promised to drink with Cera at the bar and do karaoke, right?"
"Well -"
"Blake, be a good girl and come with Hanzo?"
"I –"
Suki was hyperventilating through her nose and Miss Yu's amused chuckle wasn't helping. Zoey looked to Lillian for assistance. "Like... roll for persuasion checks?"
Miss Yumi picked up her dice, probably figuring she could get in one final poke. "Anata wa sudeni makemashita, futotta on'nanoko."
Suki's hands slammed the table. "Stop saying weird things to me!"
Shrieking like an animal, Suki swatted the bowl of Doritos across the table. Orange chips and powered cheese spilled everywhere. In the chaos, Suki bolted off, slamming the door behind her.
The door to Lillian's bedroom.
Zoey groaned. "Aiko..."
"What, I'm just messing around. Just a joke."
"Well Suki totally didn't get the freakin' message, Miss Yu."
"Oh, so I'm supposed to take it lying down when she dresses like a clown and make-believes being Japanese?"
"Like, you didn't have to be such a nasty bitch about it!"
"I'm the nasty one?"
"Lil, Aiko, enough! Look, let's just take five while I go talk with Suki."
But Lillian stood first. "Sit the fuck down. You're the last one Suki needs to see."
"Lillian -"
"No, you've done enough, Denise."
Zoey exploded and screamed bloody murder. Walking away, Lillian felt like an action hero: she didn't look back, not once.
She found Suki curled on the floor beside her bed, blubbering softly into Lillian's plush Oogie Boogie doll with her knees up to her chest. As she stepped inside and closed the door, Lillian did her best to ignore the unsightly panty shot. Blue stripes, seriously?
Oof, what to do? Give her space? Try and get close? Lillian settled for sitting on the floor and scooching forward bit by bit until she sat shoulder to shoulder with the otaku girl.
"Like... I'm gonna be sleeping here, sooo -"
Suki threw her arms around her. Lillian winced as her shoulder became a depository for snot and sadness.
"Don't make me go back to my room. Onegai? Every single night, I can hear them. I can hear the bed squeak and it hurts, Lillian. It hurts!"
Shit, she was no good with this comforting crap, so she sat next to the kid, patted her on the head and waited for the storm to settle.
"I think-" Suki took a deep breath, "I think I'm going to move out, Lillian. I can't - I can't –"
Suki covered her face and sobbed.
"I want to be a good friend but it hurts. Seeing them makes my stomach sick and my heart hurt. I can't keep going like this. I'm have to move out."
Lillian gave a long sigh.
"You know my mom likes you best, right?" Lilly Pie, why can't you be more like that sweet little Soochi girl? "Like, if you move out, if my mom finds out it's just me and Zoey getting off with her teacher, she'll cut off the rent cash."
"Then come with me, Lillian!" Suki seized her hands with utmost sincerity. "We can move out together, start our own mahou shoujo club! We can live however we want!"
Move out? No Miss Yumi, no lousy housemate It was music to her ears. Except –
"I can't."
"Dōshite? Why do you care?"
"Because I -"
That question again. That tightness in her chest again, freezing her on the spot again. Only this time, it all made sense:
Because I've got the hots for Zoey.
Yeah, this amazing, hardcore girl she'd known for less than a year, the girl Lillian would trade all her years to be with one day longer. The realization flashed through her brain like lightning, so quickly she found herself fumbling for words.
"Because I'm not giving up on Zoey!" Lillian grabbed Suki by the shoulders. "Don't freakin' quit on me! Like, we can figure something out!"
"Nani?" Suki's eyes grew bitter and dark. "Kuroko-chan has an idea?"
"I dunno!" Shit, she wasn't any good at coming up with ideas! Zoey was the brains, she just went along with whatever the boss wanted.
"No, wait – we'll do this Zoey's way: cancel culture! We dig up something nasty on Miss Yu and call her out in front of the boss! No way in hell she'll let Miss Yu stay if she's a problem-haddock."
"Problematic," Suki snapped. "I listen to senpai's lectures."
"Right, whatever. Just like, promise me you won't quit? Hold out just a bit longer?"
Suki thought it over. "I wanna celebrate winter solstice with senpai. If Yumi-san's not gone by then -"
Lillian checked her phone. December 18th. Three days. "I got this."
When Lillian returned to the main room, Zoey and Miss Yu were gone and Purple Haze was blaring from the far end of the loft. The table was still a mess of papers and upturned potato chips.
"Like, thanks for cleaning up." Scoffing, Lillian set about rescuing her precious campaign notes and die-cast miniatures from the greasy snacks. When she came to Zoey's spot, she paused.
Zoey's goggles. In their rush to be alone, Zoey had left her headgear on the table. Or maybe it was no accident at all and her friend was shedding the last inconvenient bits of her old persona. Zoey had fully committed to being Miss Alice's soft girl doll.
Lillian's fingers brushed over the spikes and lens dials. Zoey would swap her clothes but she'd always kept her goggles close. She strapped them on for every Agent-Z photoset, she took them to her U of G classes; she probably even wore them to sleep. They were as precious to Zoey as Lillian's phone was to her. To just leave them behind... it was like Frodo tossing aside the One Ring. It was like, completely giving up!
Lillian nabbed the goggles, marched to the bathroom mirror and - with all the gut-busting tension of trying on someone else's panties - strapped them on.
Whoa! How the hell did one little accessory so completely amp up your badass levels? I gotta get me some of these full-time!
For now, these would stay with her - a reminder of what she was fighting to protect. If you're not gonna be the boss and take charge, Zoey, then I'll do it myself.
Operation Kick Miss Yu's Ass to the Curb started now.