Courage is not the absence of despair; it is, rather, the capacity to move ahead in spite of despair.
Rollo Ma
Erin woke up slowly, blinking away the fog in her mind. The hospital lights beamed down on her, blinding her. Her hand wandered around the bed sheets until she found what she was looking for. "It's you," she said. Letting her fingers run through his hair.
"Of course it's me." He caught her hand in his and kissed it. "Who else?"
"I don't know," she said, letting her fingers trail down his jaw. "You should go back to the hotel...take a shower, change your clothes."
"Hotch brought my go-bag," Dave said, he stood up from the chair to show off his clean clothes."See, all clean," he said leaning over and kissing her on the cheek. He smelled nice, like aftershave and clean laundry.
"Then I guess you can stay awhile longer."
"How are you feeling?" He asked, as the morning sunlight streamed through the window.
"Ready to go home. When is the doctor going to be in?"
"I saw him about an hour ago, he's on his way."
"What floor are we on?" She asked, she could tell by the lack of standing medical equipment that she was in a regular room.
"Fifth. Neurology."
"So he's going to take awhile," she grumbled.
"Probably," Dave snatched the pudding cup off the breakfast tray and peeled it open. "Want some breakfast?" He stuck a plastic spoon in the pudding and offered it to her.
"Is there anything else to do?" She asked and took the cup, stabbing a bite of the pudding and ate it. It tasted like sludge, but she forced it down anyway.
"Maybe we should go for a walk," Dave offered. "Not far, just around the room once or twice."
She shook her head, exhaustion had taken residence in her bones and it wasn't moving away any time soon.
When he was met with silence, he reminded her, "Otherwise, the doctor won't let you leave."
"Fine," she huffed, "you win. Where are you taking me?"
"Oh, just around the room." He said, settling his silk robe over her shoulders to preserve her modesty.
"My hero." She teased, pulling her arms in the robe, "but I'd love you even more, if you'd break me out of this place, preferably, in time to be on the jet when it takes off with the team."
"It's because I care about you, that I am not going to do that" he said pointedly. "We don't know what the side effects of Curtis' concoction are; We don't know if you are out of the woods medically, so until your doctor releases you, you're staying put. Capisce?"
"And what if I don't, 'capisce?" She mocked him, "What are you going to do?" She held her chin high, challenging him. "I am a grown woman, David, and can make my own decisions."
"That is true" he said "but then you would force me to resort to other, more creative methods." Rossi waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "I'm sure you don't want that to happen."
"Do you really think, I am scared of you, David?" She hissed, standing nose to nose with him. "After Curtis, what can you do to me? It's not like you can physically restrain me, to keep me here."
"I'll save the handcuffs for when you are back in my bed again. They are no fun, when we can't have a little fun." He matched her tone, biting but reserved. "What I will do is have you placed in protective custody."
Erin's blood ran cold, "You wouldn't dare!" The words flew out in a rage, her hands planted on her hips.
"Try me." He challenged, "This case has not been officially closed. I can keep you here for your own protection for the next forty-eight to seventy two hours, while the team and I investigate to ensure that Curtis didn't have any accomplices."
"David Rossi, you can't do that." She crossed her arms over her chest. "We both know there were no accomplices; We profiled the Replicator, as a loner. His narcissism wouldn't let him work with a partner."
"You bet your sweet ass, I would, when it comes to ensuring the health and safety of the woman I love and our unborn child."
"Okay, okay, you win, David," she held up her hand to surrender, "but only because I don't want to fill out all the paperwork to fire you on top of explaining to the director, why an agent under me, misused the authority of his badge, wasted manpower and tax payer dollars."
He leaned in close enough to kiss her cheek and said, "you really shouldn't say things like, 'agent under me,' in mixed company."
"Either kiss me or get out of my face," she said, pushing his shoulder lightly. Grinning from ear to ear, she teased, "I just came out of a coma and you already want to get laid."
"No, I've never been the type for exhibition. I'm just trying to give you some motivation to want to stay in the hospital."
Hurt flashed across her face, "Are you serious? Would you really go home without me?" Erin tried not to let her face show it, but she was devastated at the thought that David might not be interested in her anymore. They had been in what she thought was a committed relationship for the last year, finally admitted they were more than friends with benefits and now there was a child involved, had she really been that wrong about how invested he was in their relationship?
"I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly. "Don't cry, Jesus Erin, you really know how to win an argument." He grabbed the box of tissues off the table and handed them to her.
"Y-you just said-"
"Woman, I was teasing. You know me" He shrugged."Sometimes my mouth runs away before my good sense kicks in." He pulled her into his arms, "You are stuck with me, from now on. Besides, you are pregnant with my child. I'm expecting a proposal of marriage, to save my honor. You are planning to make an honest man out of me aren't you? You wouldn't let me go through this world, under the stigma of being an unwed father, would you? You're not that cruel, my love."
"Since when did you turn into a simpering Southern Belle?" Erin sniffed pulling away from him.
"About thirty seconds ago," he said,"When I figured out it would make you stop crying." He plucked another tissue from the box and handed it to her. "I can deal with you yelling at me, but the tears get to me every time."
"I like a fair fight," she said, wiping her eyes. "I'll keep the crying to a minimum."
"That's my girl," he praised, escorting her back to the bed. Pulling the rolling table over to her side. "Try to eat something," Dave urged.
Erin sat down on the mattress, "Eh. I'm not hungry,"
"I could go get you something," he offered as she picked at the canned peaches on the tray with apathy.
"The cafeteria food is one step above dog food," Dave said, sitting down beside her on the opposite side of the bed.
Her face snapped to attention, "Why do you know what dog food tastes like?" She laughed and said, "Come on David, I know there's a story there."
He shrugged, Spreading his hands wide he began to tell his story. "I had an ex-wife, who was very fond of her pomeranian."
Erin listened with rapt attention, "go on."
"She was so fond of this 2 pound rat, that she had gourmet food crafted for him. All on my dime, of course."
"Obviously," Erin deadpanned.
"Well, what happened next is a mixture of humorous and horrible events."
"Go on." Erin said, nodding encouragingly.
"It was my birthday, the first time I'd visited Tommy Yates in prison. Are you with me so far?"
Erin nodded, urging him to continue.
"I stopped off at a bar, on my way home. Had way too much to drink and took a cab home. When I got there, I found my wife asleep on the sofa. It was obvious to me that I was on my own for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and found a bowl- I thought it was a bowl of leftovers. I ate half the bowl. When my wife woke up, she was furious with me. She accused me of trying to starve her dog."
Erin shook her head, "is this why Mudgie only eats kibble?"
"You got it, Babe."
"Um David, I have a confession to make" Erin said with a guilty look on her face.
"Are you going to confess you purposefully fed me dog food before?" Dave asked her.
"What! No!" Erin looked at him aghast.
Rossi burst out laughing, "I'm just kidding, Bella, and I already know you buy an extra quarter pound of ground round as a treat for Mudgie."
"It's only once a month. In my defense, he's such a sweet boy and does a great job as my protector. No creep would even think of coming my way, when I take Mudgie on our walks. He may be a big ol' baby at home but when we are out, he is the fiercest guard dog to ever walk the planet."
"I believe it," Dave said, "I'm surprised he lets me near you."
"Only because you keep the food in his bowl." Erin said, settling back on the bed.
"Speaking of babies." Dave said, he paused trying to find the right words to ask his question. "So..uh..when is ours making the grand appearance? And why didn't I notice?"
They laid in bed together almost every night, usually naked. He should have been able to see a difference somewhere.
"Before you start beating yourself up, let me remind you, you didn't notice because I didn't notice," She countered. "To answer your second question, he'll be here in October."
"You said he, like you know for sure." Dave said slowly.
"Because I do know for sure. As soon as they did the scan it was obvious." Erin said, sending her eyes heavenward.
Male pride surged through Dave. "Just like his dad!" His hand hovered over her abdomen, unsure of what to do. He looked at Erin, "May I?" He asked, soft and vulnerable. He never longed for a child, he never considered himself a family man after James, but now there was one coming...he didn't want to miss a minute with his son.
"He's yours," Erin took his hand and placed it where she felt the child moving. "You may not be able to feel much. He's my fourth, so I feel him all the time."
"No," Dave shook his head in amazement, a smile splitting his face. "I felt that." He insisted. Leaning in close he said, "Son, this is your Dad. I can't wait to meet you."
Erin watched him, suddenly the sarcastic tough-guy, David Rossi had transformed into a soft, vulnerable man at the mention of his son. She couldn't have loved him more.
Suddenly, they were interrupted by a knock at the door. The doctor strode inside, with Erin's chart in his hand. "Welcome back, Ms. Strauss. I'm Dr. Garrett."
"I told you he would clear me to fly," Erin said.
"Yeah, and I'm having doubts about that," Dave said. "I don't understand how this is a good idea."
"Well, you heard Dr. Garrett, all the tests came back clean," Erin said.
"Not all of them," Dr. Garrett said, the couple had long forgotten about him, he stood in the room watching them argue. "There's still a shadow on your hypothalamus that needs to be monitored when you get home."
"But I can go home?" Erin clarified.
"I want you to see your primary doctor as soon as you can." Dr. Garrett said, "there's nothing else we can do for you here."
"What about observation?" Dave asked. "She just woke up, don't you think you should-"
"David-" Erin glared at him crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm going home."
"Erin-"
"What!" She rounded on Dave, "Why don't you want me to go home?"
"I do." Dave said, with conviction. "Of course, I want you home with me." He reassured, rubbing her shoulder tenderly.
She shot him a cold stare,"It doesn't seem like you do," She snapped, shrugging off his hand. Her mind ran 100 miles an hour, obviously there was something he wasn't telling her. "Is there something I should know?" Her mind went to the absolute worst case scenario. "Are you seeing someone else?"
"What- Erin-no!" Dave said, incredulous. "Of course not. There's no one else I want to be with."
"Then why can't I come home?"
"I don't think you should fly," Dave admitted. She was still detoxing, what if she got sick on the plane? Or lapsed back into a coma? He wouldn't be able to get her the help she needed.
"People fly all the time when they're high on Molly," Erin argued.
"But you're detoxing-" Dave countered, "There's a difference." He said, arching his brow. "We don't even know exactly what you're detoxing from-"
Erin cut him off and turned to the doctor, "Can I drive home?" She asked, ever the diplomat.
"It's a four-hour drive-" Dave argued. "We could ask Vera to ride with you-"
"Absolutely not!" Erin argued.
Doctor Garrett took this as an opportunity to state his case. "I don't see any reason why you can't fly back to Virginia."
"Told you-" She said, glaring at Dave.
"Okay, fine." Dave stood up and took his phone from his pocket. "I'll book her a flight-"
"No need," Erin shook her head, "she lives here, in New York."
"That explains why she was able to get here so fast," Dave said.
"Don't call her," Erin commanded, "I don't want her here."
"She's your mother-"
"I don't care, don't call my mother until we're home." Erin said, through clenched teeth.
"So, we're far enough away that she won't visit." Dave surmised.
"Precisely," she said, climbing off the bed. "Do I have clothes here or am I getting on the plane in a hospital gown?"
"J.J. brought you some things." Dave took the shopping bags off the chair and rifled through them. "We've got...a t-shirt, black pants," he threw those items to the side and kept looking. "Here!" He thrust the bag towards her. "I guess if you can fly, you can figure this out."
"Thank you," she said pointedly and turned towards the bathroom. "Can I borrow a shirt?" She asked, the t-shirt in her hand was at least one size too small.
He reached into his bag and pulled out his Cubs jersey with a flourish. "Ta da!"
While she was getting dressed, Dave paced the room to keep himself busy. When they made it home, he needed to decide what the hell they were doing. He could marry her, but...not now. Not when they were both clinging to the idea of her staying healthy and alive. Emotions were too raw. He wouldn't take advantage of her vulnerability. When things went back to normal, he would bring it up.
"Did you call Aaron?" She asked, from the bathroom. He heard the shower running.
"Are you sure you want to fly back? I don't mind driving," he offered. "We could stretch it out and turn it into a vacation and fly the kids out wherever we are."
The bathroom door flew open and Erin stuck her head out, "David Rossi, I'm going home."
"Okay, okay." He held up both hands in surrender, "I'll call him."
"This is not a suggestion, David." She called, stepping into the shower.
"Okay, okay, I said I'll call him."
He pulled out his phone and sent a text. 'Vera, it's David. Erin's awake. We're going home.' Erin would kill him, but it was the right thing to do. If the shoe were on the other foot, he would want to know what was happening with his child. Then, he dialed Hotch's number.
"Blake is taking us to the airstrip." He said, as Erin sat down in a chair, running a towel through her hair.
"Good," she was dressed in black yoga pants and Dave's Cub's jersey. "When do we leave?" She asked, gathering their things.
"About an hour." He said and sat down beside her. He grabbed her hand as she reached for his go bag, sitting in the corner.
"For the love of God, slow down." He said, holding her hand tightly, so she couldn't pull away. "I need you to listen to me." He said, staring at her intently.
She stopped to meet his eyes. "I'm listening,"
"Less than a day ago, I thought you were a goner." He admitted, "now you're here bossing me around like it never happened."
She paused and took his other hand, "I'm here and I'm fine-"
"But what if you're not?"
"Then I'll deal with it-"
"No." He said, staring into her eyes. He could have gotten lost in them if she let him especially when he didn't think he would get to see them again. "We will deal with it. Like it or not, you're stuck with me."
"Oh good," she quipped and rolled her eyes, "I was worried."
"Erin." Blake sighed in relief, and entered the hospital room. "I'm so glad you're okay."
Erin nodded, "so far so good. Aside from my go-bag being stuck at a crime scene."
"The team is waiting for us at the airstrip," Blake said. "Are you ready to go?"
"I've already signed the discharge papers," Erin said and grabbed her bag of clothes.
"Give me that," Dave commanded, holding out his hand for the shopping bag. He picked up his go-bag with the other hand and led them into the hallway.
Erin shook her head, "I thought I was the eager one."
"Yeah yeah," he grumbled, leading them to the elevator. "The sooner we get home, the better."
"Back to Virginia, you mean." Erin whispered, so only he could hear.
"I mean, back to my house. In our bed," He said, shifting both bags to his left hand.
Dave gripped Erin's hand in his as he stepped onto the plane. They were met with a chorus of applause. "Welcome back, welcome back!" Derek stood up from his seat and slowly clapped towards Rossi and Strauss, beaming at them.
"Thank you, Agent Morgan." Erin said, smiling back.
"How are you feeling, Erin?" Hotch asked, standing up.
She nodded. "Not bad, all things considered. I'm just ready to go home."
Hotch nodded, "It'll be a few minutes, J.J, Reid Garcia are on their way."
"Did the kid oversleep again?" Dave asked.
Morgan nodded, "Pretty Boy pulled another all-nighter."
The bench seat in front of the kitchenette called to him. "We'll just get comfortable back here." Dave said, curling his hand against the small of Erin's back, as he steered her towards the back of the jet. He pulled the curtain closed and put their bags in the overhead compartment.
He heard Derek whisper to Hotch, "I think he's going to drive her crazy."
"He's in love," Hotch explained, keeping his voice low. "That's what he does."
"Heard that!" Dave snapped, good naturedly.
"I don't mind it," Erin retorted with a smile.
"Are you doing okay?" Dave asked. "I can't believe that you just came out of a coma, but Reid overslept.
She nodded, "It's not a big deal." She said and leaned her head against his bicep. She would never say it out loud, but for the moment, she needed him.
Suddenly, a voice came from the intercom. "Attention Agents, the doors are closed and we're preparing for take-off."
Dave heard Reid and J.J. apologizing for being late.
"When we land…" Dave said as they fastened their seatbelts, "do you want to go…" he stopped and glanced over, Erin was already asleep. "To my house…" he finished the thought and put his arm around her, her head landed squarely on his chest.
Worry gnawed at him. Erin was too much of a control freak to sleep on the plane, especially in front of people. Although,lately, neither one of them had much control over anything. His phone vibrated in his pocket, he dug it out of his jeans and read the text.
Blake: How's she doing?
Dave frowned slightly, why was Blake being so nice? There was nothing good about her relationship with Erin. Sure, they could let bygones be bygones long enough to work a case, but Erin didn't like Blake and Blake had no reason to like Erin.
Dave's phone buzzed again, he tapped the screen.
Blake: the team wants to know how Erin's doing. Not just me.
Something wasn't right, he couldn't put his finger on it. He reached his hand across Erin's back, careful not to jostle her. He texted Hotch: with the subject line: Confidential: Erin's asleep. What's up with Blake? When did she become the spokesperson for the team?
From the cabin, Hotch picked up his phone and glanced at it. Confidential flashed across the screen.
"Is that Rossi?" Blake asked, eagerly from across the table.
Hotch shook his head, "it's Jessica. Hang on." He got up from his seat and went to the front of the plane. He took a seat away from the group.
I don't know, but it's weird. I think she feels guilty for leaving her at the hotel.
Dave nodded, makes sense. That sounded right.
Hotch: How's she doing?
Dave looked at his phone: She says she's fine, but we're 20,000 ft in the air and she hasn't moved since takeoff.
'We've been in the air 20 minutes.' Hotch responded. Might want to get her home before Blake tries to ride along.
'Annd...that's where I draw the line.' Rossi tapped out.
Erin stirred next to him and opened her eyes. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Waiting for you to wake up." He said and put his phone away.
"You guys don't have to hide back there," Derek teased from the cabin.
"Do you guys need a chaperone?" Hotch deadpanned.
"Eh, no thanks." Dave said.
"Well, if the curtain's a-floppin'" J.J. let the sentence trail off. "I didn't know that curtain could close."
"You know, It might do Pretty Boy some good to witness first-hand how to treat a lady." Derek cut in when J.J's joke missed the mark.
Dave shrugged, "You can't teach this," he boasted and slid the curtain open.
The plane landed without a hitch, Dave and Erin were the last to disembark. "Do you mind driving by the office?" She asked, straightening the pillows on the bench seat.
Dave slammed the overhead bin closed, with one hand. "Of course." He took both their bags in his hand. "Are you ready to go?"
She nodded. "I need to pick up my car."
"Let's go." He said, and took the first step off the plane.
"Also," she said, coming up behind him. "I think we need to talk."
Dave stepped off the last step and stumbled slightly in surprise. "Talk?" He repeated dumbly.
"Could we do it in your office?"
"My office?" He nodded,as they crossed the parking lot to his car. "Yeah, I guess so."
After all, did he have a choice?
Erin crossed the threshold into his office and closed the door with a flick of her wrist. She flipped on the lights, the LED bulbs sprung into action, illuminating the office. They were the only people in the building. Shadows lingered in every corner, but in Dave's office, with him, she felt safe. She sat down on the leather sofa. "Have a seat." She patted the space beside her invitingly.
He shook his head. "What are you doing Erin?"
"I told you," she said pointedly. "We need to talk."
"You want to have this conversation, here?" He asked, gesturing to his office. The dark paneled walls and files of serial killers didn't create the most romantic setting.
She dropped her shoulder. "It's mutual territory."
"We don't need mutual territory."
"I think we might," she countered and patted the cushion beside her.
He sat down beside her and turned so she was facing him."No we don't." He held up his hand. "We don't need to 'talk,' about anything if it involves you breaking up with me."
"David- I just think you deserve a way out. After everything that's happened this year, you deserve to be happy."
"I won't accept it." He said, reaching for her hand and holding onto it for dear life. "Don't do this. Don't throw away our year together because you're scared. Don't let Curtis get in our way."
Her blonde hair swished against her neck, her heart beat erratically in her chest. Every bone in her body protested, but giving him an out was the right thing to do. 'The right thing' was probably the hardest thing she would ever do.
"I'm not scared for me. I'm scared for you. I don't know what a life with me looks like anymore. I don't trust myself and I'm afraid that how I feel right now, is the calm before the storm."
"If this is the part where you give me a speech about being hard to love, don't bother. I've known you half my life. I know that part already." He said, still holding her hand in his. He was afraid if he let go, he would lose her completely.
She took a steadying breath and blew it out. After a beat, she spoke. "If I'm headed for a dark place, I don't want to drag you down with me. I don't want to drink again, but Curtis took my sobriety-"
"He stole it," Dave interrupted. "It's not a relapse-"
"It could be." Erin said flatly. "I don't want you to be caught in the middle of my self destruction."
"No…" he whispered and picked up her other hand holding it. "That won't happen."
"You don't know that." She argued, the lump in her throat grew tighter by the second but she couldn't force herself to let go of him.
"Did you ever think for a minute that I might be the guy holding the flashlight? If you fall in a hole, I'll be right there beside you with a flashlight and a rope."
"I can't ask you to do that-"
"You didn't." He leaned in close enough to smell her shampoo. "This is a volunteer position. Now, I'm done here. Can we go home?"
"I'm going back to my house." She said, standing up. "You can have your jersey back."
Dave stood up and settled his arm over her shoulders. "I'll follow behind you. I don't know about you, but I'm starving."
"You should know, there probably isn't much food at my house. I cleaned out the refrigerator before we left for New York and the kids went with Peter."
"I'm sure we can come up with something." Dave said easily. "Worst case scenario, we order pizza."