J

January and February – Japan

My dad takes my dropping out of school a lot better than I imagined. We spend a memorable New Years together, then he takes me to the airport for an emotional goodbye before boarding my non-private jet to Japan.

Lisa messages me before I leave California.

Lisa: I hope you're wearing your best smile and lots of sunscreen. This is life, baby … LIVE IT!

I send her a short video of me kissing my hand and blowing it toward the camera.

Me: Living it. Missing you. Xo

Why Japan? Well, it's where Juni met Zach. It's a stunning mix of ultra high-tech and rich historic culture. I spend two months in Japan traveling from hostel to hostel, living like a nomad instead of a princess up the hill. Granted … my expenses are covered by the music king and fashion queen, but I only splurge when adventure calls and live frugally on days that require nothing more than my sketch pad and sharpened pencils.

I'm living. But mostly … I miss Lisa.

"Hey!" I grin and it feels equal parts amazing and torturous as Lisa's face appears on the screen. We FaceTime once a month and text once a day. That's what we agreed upon before I left. Anything less would have me running home and giving up on my dreams, anything more would distract me from living.

"Hey, yourself." Lisa's smile could break my computer screen. "How was your last day in Tokyo?"

"Amazing. I can't believe how many friends I've made in two months. I didn't make that many in four years of high school." My lips twist. "Okay, I've made four new friends in a couple months, but that feels like a lot."

Lisa shakes her head, her smile still beaming. "It looks like Japan suits you better than high school."

"Yeah, but I still miss third period."

Her grin fades a tiny fraction. "I miss you too. But … I'm so freaking happy for you and for me when I get to live vicariously through your postcards. Look …" She repositions her computer screen to the wall behind her bed.

I send her a post card from every new city, no matter how big or small. She has them tacked to the wall above her bed. "What happens when you run out of wall space?"

She repositions the camera so it's back on her. "I have three other walls."

If I send her enough postcards to cover all of her bedroom walls, I'm certain it would take a decade, and after two months and one new country, I'm ready to go home to Lisa.

But … life.

"Have you picked up the language?"

I laugh. "Maybe sign language. I'm pretty good at charades. The locals find me entertaining." I shrug. "I've mastered some of the language. Enough to not feel like a tourist every day."

"Are you going to tell me where you're going tomorrow? What new country?"

"Nope." I pop the P. "I told you, I'll tell you when I get there."

Lisa chuckles, scratching her face. My fingers ache, missing her touch.

"You don't know, do you?"

I roll my eyes. "I have a plane ticket in my bag. Of course I know where I'm going tomorrow." Releasing a long sigh, I ask the question that makes me the most nervous. "How's your dad?"

Her brows draw together. "He's fine. The last round of chemo took a lot out of him, but he's bouncing back a little more each day. How about you? Where's your pain level?"

"Surprisingly not awful. I honestly didn't anticipate staying in a country so long with such harsh punishments for using marijuana."

"The acupuncture and herbs have helped?"

"God, yes … so much. After that first miserable week here, which I'm certain it was the long flight that did a number on my back, I've been functional." I grin. "And sober. Okay, I may have shared some hot sake with a few of my new friends during late night gatherings at the hostel, but that's it."

"Sake, huh?"

"Not my cuppa, but this is a wasted experience if I don't try new things. I don't even want to tell you some of the foods I've tried. Sushi dad would never let me live it down."

Lisa chuckles. It hurts … all of it.

Her laugh.

Her smile.

That handsome face.

Those eyes …

"I wanna come home," I whisper as emotions burn my eyes.

"Baby …" She lifts her hand to touch the screen. "Japan is one country. The world is your dream."

"You're my dream."

She frowns. "It's just because we're seeing each other like this—live, like we're together when we're not. I've seen too many pictures of you over the last two months with the biggest smiles and your eyes beaming like you just discovered the meaning of life. Don't cheat yourself. You'll regret it."

We've never discussed how long. How long will I be gone? Before Lisa, I thought at least two years with Juni, Zach, and my dad meeting me for visits in some of their favorite countries. If I go home, even for a quick holiday visit, I know I won't be able to get back on a plane again. I will make a beeline to Lisa Manoban, and that's where I'll stay.

So, I'm not going home until my travels are complete.

"Tell me about the rumors," I say.

"Rumors?" Her head cocks to the side.

"There's always rumors. After I dropped out, what were people saying? Did they suspect us?"

She glances at her watch. Our different time zones suck. She has school soon, and I have bed soon.

"Kids are always talking shit. I ignore it, but …" Lisa chews on the inside of her lip.

"But what?"

"Some of the female students have been a little …"

"Sluts! They're after you, aren't they?" Jealousy nips at my nerves.

"I've had to take care of some inappropriate notes and texts. That's all."

"I'd better go before I get the urge to kill something."

Lisa rubs her chin, a triumphant grin playing along her lips. "I love you, Hell. I love you so fucking much."

I nod, choking on the emotion that always hovers like a dark cloud over our goodbyes. "Wait for me."

"Jennie, I'm not going anywhere."

I know this, but time distorts emotions and breeds resentment. Time could destroy us. I cough a laugh to hide the impending sobs. "I leave early. Have a good day at work." My tears chase my goodbye. I try not to let her see how much this hurts.

"Have a safe flight to … wherever."

I nod, plastering on a smile to mask the ugly cry climbing up my throat to escape my bleeding heart. "Bye." Pressing End, I completely fall apart. I will never be immune to my love for her.

Lisa: Close your eyes and let me kiss away those tears. Fall asleep in the memory of my arms wrapped around you. Dream of us.

This makes me cry more, but I do it. I find comfort and eventually sleep in the warmth of us.