Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly any of its characters or the wonderful universe it is set in. Joss Whedon has that privilege. Nor do I own Hellsing any of its characters or what remains of its universe inside of this story (I think I've covered this before but ah well). I do own a few people, an Atlas of the Verse and many, many, MANY hours of research that was put into this story. (Kinda pathetic I know)

Dedication: To Haku Mai who so happened to review this story about 30 minutes before I posted this chapter even though I have posted NOTHING for forever.

Author's Note: I make no promises. I think they are just turning into lies at this point. But I'm tired of only writing things that I don't care about. I will work on this when I can and for as long as I can. I'm kind of tired of it being unfinished in my brain. Plus, I cannot begin to describe the guilt I feel for having it undone. It is a thing that floats around a lot in my mind when I cannot sleep. I had such great support when I started writing this and then I just…stopped.

Sing for Absolution

Lips are turning blue

A kiss that can't renew

I only dream of you

My beautiful

oooo

Time passed differently in the Black. Sure, the ship had controls to pretend at day and night, but it was easy to ignore and feel the tug of an unchanging flow. Calm waters stretched an empty night into an eternity of stars and thoughts after the rolling rapids of a busy day (or a particularly dangerous job) ended. Things could blur and a person would sometimes find themselves staking awake far past reason or lost in sweet sleep for longer and longer periods.

Wash warranted that might drive some people insane, but as long as he had his stars, he could probably handle it. It had been an exciting sort of day and he enjoyed the peace of the bridge when no one was about to cause a fuss.

At that moment, one of the dinosaurs moved.

"How do you get in here so quietly?" Wash asked, used to the intrusions enough by that point to jump only slightly out of his skin. "And how did I not even see you? Wait for me to blink?"

River's head popped up a little, her eyes clear with mischief.

"Hiding."

"Hiding? From who?" The pilot asked sitting forward to take up the T-Rex. "The Captain's blushing bride?"

"You're hiding. Made Zoe mad."

"Yeah," he sighed. "Did at that."

River moved the stegosaurus to face the T-Rex. "Ut malediceret tibi subita, quamquam attulere, proditione."

Wash chuckled. "Not sure anyone else has ever had them speaking Latin."

She cocked her head at him, the familiar air of curiosity mixed with a far away sort of look. "Many people play?"

"A few. More just laughed, but some would play." Wash grinned to himself thinking of the different people, some who he'd never expected to be the type featuring the strongest.

A small crash brought him back from the past and he focused on the sight of River standing up, staring at him with wide eyes. On the console, the stegosaurus rocked back and forth.

"Saw her, new her. She played and you laughed," the girl muttered excitedly. "Came found me. Promised help. Looked young, but sounded old. Tired and angry." The words crashed out of her almost involuntarily, the desperation in her voice clear as she tried to get him to understand.

"Whoa, River," Wash broke in worriedly. "Who? I knew someone who helped you?"

She looked at him, wilder than she had in months, but also sort of hopeful. He felt like she was saying something important, but he wasn't sure what. Resisting the urge to call for Simon for help, he cast his eyes about as if the bridge had the answers. Once again, his eyes fell to his trusting companions. Who else had played with them? A few women, here and there, since he had been flying, few more before.

With a deep breath, Wash knew he needed more details. Meeting her eyes again, he asked, "Do you know her name? What does she look like?"

"Not sure, like a mother. Hard to remember, still there." River closed her eyes and started to concentrate, a tear spilling forth. "Used to know? " Then, like a strike of lightning, her eyes shot open. "Dinosaurs in the war. Not on the battlefield, but on her ship."

Finally, it dawned on Wash who she was talking about.

"Seras."

River nodded a grin breakout on her face. As if just getting the thought out had relieved her of a throbbing pain, she rapidly began to relax as she stood before him. Wash did the same, feeling kind of proud that he could help a little.

"Got a lot up there rattling around, don't you?"

"Too much," she agreed with a sort of sad smile.

"Wash wondered how much of her was crazy and how much of her was simply unable to keep things straight. He'd probably give up, too. Being crazy was easier.

"She liked you," River commented, breaking his train of thought as she headed to the door.

"I liked her, too."

Wash watched her go, his mind turning to the former general where he lost himself in thought before another woman came to interrupt him.

oooo

Getting harder. Gotten better, for a while. Talked like a person most times and got to be understood. But it was less time alone. Eight voices added in, taking over sometimes, smothering drowning her in a sea of forced empathy. Got out and walked on land, more voices there. Her own thoughts and words and echoes of memories a whisper of sound lost in a cacophony of voices.

Fewer needles and pills, both love and hate. Kept her down, half alive, but kept them muffled, quieter. Price for peace, but hated more than liked. They took her mind, made her a doll with strings. Cryo and Simon cut a few, but she could still feel them pull. Not to think, only to obey. Hear the voices, be the soldier. Obey.

Finally, a bunch of voices were yelling and she picked her head off the couch and went to investigate. Only needed a minute to guess that the Thief had made her move. She watched in silence as they struggled to fix the mess. The burly man was trying to open the door while Kaylee explained to the Captain that Thief had screwed them.

She really didn't feel pity that they were hurt – maybe the Dinosaur Man. She had warned them. But as they asked each other what the liar had meant, she finally sighed in annoyance.

"Told you," she reminded. When everyone looked at her in confusion, she rolled her eyes. "Thief!"

oooo

Inara had been expecting it, in the back of her mind. She had slipped and gave in to worry. Sadly, she also paid for it. But, she knew that Mal often had a keen eye and memory for the little details.

Hell, if she was honest, she had done a bad job covering t up, but the intensity of the situation had helped her. Still, there was no excuse to give in to worry, nor to the relief that Mal wasn't being stolen away by a farm-fresh girl who, no matter how backward, still came from a closer background than she did. Inara even wondered, though the fear of near death and the excitement that followed, if part of her had done it on purpose. Did she maybe want to be caught out and be forced to be honest, even if it just hurt her in the end?

Regardless, when Mal came to her with a calculating look in his eyes, she felt slightly excited at the idea. Good or bad, would it be worth it to have something? Would he be honest, too, and reply in kind? So many things went through her mind as she looked at him.

"I knew you let her kiss you."

Composure cracked, Inara didn't quite know what to do as he chuckled knowingly and left. She felt like someone had tossed her from a cliff for it only to be five feet high. Part of her was relieved, but the excited fear had not outlet for release. Suddenly exhausted, she collapsed onto her couch, mind refusing to understand what had just happened just yet.

After a few minutes, sense came back to her and she tried to reel back on her previous excitement. There was a good reason not to pursue it. Several really. She loved her lifestyle, the feeling of helping someone reach that release. She gave people comfort and solace as much as she gave them pleasure. It was a good life. And one Mal hated.

He would never understand that she wouldn't want to give it up. Even if she did, she was suspicious of whether or not he'd be able to forget. Many men would be jealous of the past and constantly worried that one man could never be enough. Mal seemed like he could be one of those kind of men. If he did want to be with her, she would probably have to be careful for the rest of her life with him.

Life.

Eyes following the details of a box kept at her bedside, Inara reluctantly came to the reason that both kept her away and made her stay. Time for her was constantly being borrowed. Inara never knew when her time would finally be up. Could she enter into something with him knowing that it would only hurt him that much more when that time finally did come? Or should she be selfish and have the last part of her life be the best part?

The Companion gave a low sigh. She had never been the selfish sort. Resigned once more to keep her heart closed, Inara decided to see if she could get one question answered.

oooo

"Inara Sera! I had not expected to see you again so soon."

"Soon?" the lovely young woman asked in confusion.

"You were on Persephone a couple months ago? I caught sight of you at the ball," Seras answered, smiling warmly at the girl. "Glad to see you making the most of life."

"Oh, I didn't know you were there Mistress! I would have said hello, but…."

"You were too busy being in the middle of a romantic duel?"

The Companion blushed, visible even through the vid screen. The vampire was delighted. The girl had always been a little too reserved. It was good for her to be a bit more open.

"I'm sure you had a reason to call," Seras said, sparing the girl from embarrassment. "Is everything going well with your treatment?"

"Yes, it is. I can't thank you enough for this chance. I've seen more of the Verse and the people in it in even just the past few months than in my entire life before. There have been a few close calls with danger, but well worth it."

"I'm glad," Seras smiled. While she understood the life of a Companion better than she once did, she did think they were too closed off from the rest of the world. "So, if that is not the issue…."

"We ran across a woman with Companion training that has turned to the worst sort of thievery. I was wondering if you could help us track her down so we can alert the Houses and maybe the authorities."

The blonde woman gave the image on her screen a shrewd look. "You are with that lot and you think of authorities? Still more Companion than outlaw, I see." She turned to another console. "You are in luck. I happened to be tethered to a communications buoy; that's how I could answer with vid. I'm going to guess you don't have her name so what information do you have?"

Seras listened as Inara described the girl in moderate detail. "We also picked her up on Triumph and she seemed to be fairly well versed in their customs so she might be from there originally."

"Triumph, hmm," the older woman responded. "There is actually a bulletin on Triumph. Appears to be Alliance only though. Doubt even the local Feds know."

"Anything related?"

"I'll say. Looks like the settlers and that women were working together. There have been a series of disappearances from people who stop over there. Some mercs, but a lot of just plain traders."

Seras continued to read for another moment in silence before turning her full attention to Inara. "I don't see any history of a Companion coming from that area, even a former one." She gave the Companion a sympathetic look. "I'll be honest. I doubt she can be found with so little to go on, but I'll keep an ear out."

"And I will tell them about the people of Triumph are not to be trusted. It was good talking to you."

"You, too," Seras signed off. Her investigations into Reavers was going almost as well as finding the psychopathic redhead. This went well beyond wanting to cut down on hysteria. No, for some reason, it seemed like They just didn't want the existence of Reavers to be real instead of some space myth.

Why though?

Her train of thought was interrupted once again by a wave coming over the Cortex.

"Hello, Michael. How goes the investigation?"

"Not going much at all," her son responded. "It's almost as if they wrote the reports on people and then burned them. The only digital prints are those that mention reports and a bit of high spirited talk that it might be 'the answer'."

"The answer? Answer to what?"

"Doesn't say," Michael replied with frustration.

Seras leaned back in her chair with a sigh, trying to think of what they could have been trying to do. "To immortality?"

"Doubtful," came the response. The dark-haired man paused a moment before clearing his throat. "So, I hear you talked to Father. Went well did it?"

Seras hung up on him.

oooo

While he may have turned to a lifestyle that had its fill of less than honorable jobs, Mal always preferred the more decent sort of work. So when he was asked to help defend a town, the former sergeant leaped on the job, even if it meant getting less money in return. Made him feel good to simply be helping people rather than trying to put one over on the other.

So, it made him especially angry to be played the fool.

"Tell me," Mal asked with seeming big-heartedness. "What was the deal? She give you a part of the cut or did she just pay you in advance?"

To say that Elder Grommet did not expect to actually see the crew of the Serenity again, despite his well-wishing before would have been a bit of an understatement. The man's skin had paled until it about matched his snowy hair. Obviously, their little scheme had never come back on them before.

When he failed to answer, Mal continued on.

"You see, after we were able to do our repairs, we had another job we had to get to that took up a bit of our time, and then we had to meet with a contact Jayne here," he gestured to the mercenary who was holding a shotgun in quiet threat, "got himself made a folk hero."

"Should have kept the statue."

"Please, Zoe, imagine the nightmares. Already have to listen to River sing the song, Verse knows how she learned it."

"Hey," Jayne cut in before Mal turned back to the leader of the township and shivering mass of town folk huddled and half-hidden behind him.

"So, you see, it took a bit before we were free to come back here and collect the rest of the fee you owe us, plus a bit extra for repairs."

"But, we don't –" Grommet began, breaking of when Jayne aimed his gun.

Mal stepped up to the man, all humor and feigned lightness swept away. Fury was all that shone in his eyes as he looked at the weasel that had sold him and his crew and who knows how many others.

"Let me be perfectly clear: either we get paid or you won't be alive to regret trying to fool the wrong man."

The man stood for a moment, trying to decide. "Okay. We'll get you the money. It's all we have-"

"Save your sob story for someone you didn't try to get killed because we don't care."

A few minutes later, they were boarding the ship with money in hand along with a few bits of foodstuff and other odds and ins.

"Go from the mudders to those bastards," Jayne shook his head. "They don't have it that bad and they still doin' that kind of deceiving gose? Don't make any kind of sense at all."

Mal pat him on the back. "I expect that's why they have that statue of you."

"…the man they call, Jayne…."

"River!"

oooo

Sometimes, the dark underbelly of a city was the best place to be. More information passed through the doors of seedy bars in a couple of hours than in a news station in a year. Just had to be there to hear it.

Or pay for it.

Seras had given up on going through more official routes. For a bit, she considered bribing Mr. Universe, but there were so few videos of the Reavers, she doubted he'd know much more than she already did. Thus, she had gone the other way and found a few of the bars looking for people with information, even if it was the type of information that started with, "I have a friend who…."

"Still not sure why you needed me here", her companion groaned. "You look good enough to get any man – and a few women – to tell you anything you want to hear."

"That is exactly the point, Nikolai," Seras sighed. She gave him a considering look before making a couple more adjustments to complete his transformation from Congressman to First Mate on a smuggling ship. "I need to keep people thinking about work, not trying to get in my pants. Men tell all sorts of lies to get laid."

She paused for a moment before nodding curtly. "Plus, who else would I ask? Even pretending, I don't want to pay lovers with my son. We are not that kind of family."

"Well," Nikolai began ironically, "I don't know. Why not that husband of yours? Even divorced – or whatever – he is going to kill me if he finds out I was putting my hands on you. Seems like the obvious…." He trailed off as Seras gave him one of her measured glares. "Or, you know, not."

"Now that you're done being stupid, may I remind you that he wore a three-piece suit to South America? He is not the rough and dirty sort."

Nikolai opened his mouth and then closed it. "No, too easy."

She gave him one more glare before pushing the door open and striding in. IT was time to see what the pirates had to say on the matter. One way or another, she was going to get some answers.

She needed to. Ever since that fight in that broken town.

She needed the nightmares to go away.

oooo

Serenity had had a rough couple of months. A thief had broken and tried to kill her, a noxious moon had clogged up some of her filters and sensors and, just last week, an over aggressive competitor had tried to take her out of the sky, scaring parts of her rear and starboard side. Finally, a lightning storm had shaken her insides.

The ship was feeling a bit wan and old. Serenity needed a rest. A quiet time planetside to give her Kaylee a chance to hear her out and fix her up.

Unfortunately, things just got worse.

oooo

It felt both ironic and cruel. Inara had come to Serenity to embrace life and now seemed determined to die there. She would probably have accepted it if they had died in battle or something far less passive than suffocating due to engine failure. A slow, unpleasant death.

It might not have been so frustrating if not for the incident a few weeks ago. She knew herself well enough to recognize love, even if Mal could not. Why had she chosen not to say anything? Why, after feeling heartbroken at the thought of his death didn't she just give in? If they were going to die anyway, she could have spent the last few weeks of her life truly being with the man she loved.

The thoughts were pointless, and more than a touch melodramatic, but with the four of them stuck in the shuttle, flying away from the ship, it was hard for Inara to care about not wallowing in self-pity. She knew she wasn't the only one.

With a small smile, she looked down at Kaylee, curled up beside her on the bed. The Companion knew that the mechanic had similar regrets and was glad that Jayne was talking to Book rather than trying to get laid one last time.

And if she knew that it was unfair to even think that, who cared?

They were going to die anyway.

oooo

Something wasn't right. The engines felt off and the air was different. She needed to get up to see what was wrong. Strange, but she couldn't remember when she went to sleep…. Suddenly, pain flared and stole all her thoughts.

"Awake."

"Zoe? Baby?"

With more effort than she thought necessary, Zoe opened her eyes. It took a moment to focus, but after a while, three figures took shape around her. A moment after that, she recognized the shuttle. Why were they there?

"Zoe," Simon said in his doctor voice, "do you remember what happened? Do you recognize where we are?"

"Shuttle," she worked out tiredly. "Can't remember what happened."

As she woke more, she began to realize that there were more problems than just pain in her body. She was having a hard time moving as if her legs were pinned. Wash seemed to notice and moved the hand that wasn't holding her hand to stroke her cheek lightly.

"What's the last thing you remember?" the doctor asked, quietly.

Furrowing her brow, she tried to think. "You were about to blow out your candles…and I don't remember. What happened? Why are we in the shuttle?"

The doctor and her husband exchanged looks as if trying to decide how to tell her. Meant bad news, she realized, but still wanted to know.

"Engine broke," River answered matter-of-factly as if understanding what Zoe wanted, which she probably did. "Explosion blew down the hall. You pushed Kaylee out of the way. Saved her," she smiled.

"But you got hit pretty hard by the concussive force. In addition to being unconscious for the past few hours, you have some internal injuries," Simon told her. "The good news is that now that you've woken up, you are already doing much better."

"Pain," River stated, looking at her brother expectantly.

"Ah, yes. Let me get you something for that. I'm sure it hurts quite a bit."

"Not that she'd tell you," Wash commented affectionately. He looked worn down. Too worn for it just to be about her, especially since she was awake.

"What's the bad news?" she asked with as commanding a tone as she could manage.

Again, the men hesitated prompting River to speak up.

"No life support and no part to fix the engine. Put out a beacon and sent the shuttles either direction to get help," the girl concluded grimly.

"Captain stay behind?" Zoe guessed, already feeling better from the shot Simon gave her.

"Yeah," Wash sighed.

Zoe looked at her husband and he looked back. She knew without asking that he and the Captain had probably fought and that they both had probably been stubborn and big-headed. And, for all his occasional resentment of Mal, she knew that Wash respected him and respected her relationship with him. He was a good man and probably felt guilty for being there, with her, and not on alone on a ship like the Captain was.

"Baby, you need to get to the helm," she murmured, feeling groggy as the medicine made its course. "Captain's being stupid again. Got to stop him."

"Yes, ma'am," he smiled. "You're in charge."

"Will we be alright to make it back?" Simon asked, following her husband to the small cockpit.

"Yeah, we can get back."

As if to fill a spot that had to be filled, River moved to sit by Zoe and take her hand. The older woman smiled at her, feeling a genuine affection for the girl.

"How'd you let them get so far?"

River sighed exasperatedly. "Wouldn't listen to me. Not in charge. Gonna be okay though. We can save your Captain." Eyes twinkling, she leaned forward. "Never trust boys alone."

"Too true," Zoe smiled, allowing herself to slip back into sleep now that she knew, somehow, things would be okay.

Til next time.