Chapter 26.

Cas had been walking in the trees above the bunker for some time, feeling angry and resentful and alone and knowing all the time that these feelings were distractions, refuges, from the void in his heart.

He had told himself all along that nothing mattered but getting Dean back. He had told himself, almost convinced himself, that he could face anything that came after, even if Dean were greatly changed. It turned out not to be true. He could do nothing to help Dean. Even letting Dean unleash his anger on him was not going to help. He was helpless in the face of Dean's current pain and all he could do was stand by, pretending the hatred in Dean's eyes didn't hurt him, until Dean overcame it on his own, if he could.

"I've been looking for you." said Jack, coming towards him.

"Why? What's happened?" said Cas.

"Nothing." said Jack.

"Have you seen Dean?" said Cas.

"No. He's still in his room."

"Maybe, I should check on him."

"No. I think we should just leave him to rest."

"I doubt he's getting a lot of rest." said Cas.

"For now, leave him. Sam thinks it's best."

Cas felt his heart sink. Another reminder that Sam did not think he could be of use. The fact that he was probably right offered no comfort.

"Castiel?" said Jack.

"We'll do what Sam says, obviously." said Cas, "You should go."

"Why?" said Jack, looking as hurt as Cas felt. That made it worse, seeing Jack wounded because he could not master his own sense of injury.

"I have things to do." he said.

"Oh."

"Jules and I are working on something." he said. He was a bad liar and he could see Jack did not believe him. Nevertheless, the nephilim turned and headed back to the bunker.

Cas sent a text to Jules. "Meet me in our room."

The reply was two letters, "OK"

By the time he got to their room, Jules was waiting for him. She took one look at his face and hugged him before closing the door firmly behind him. "It's okay," she said, "I don't need details. Just tell me what you need."

"I ... I need you." he said.

She took off his coat and hung it on the door.

"I don't want to ask you for anything, when I give so little, but you're my peace and I need some peace right now. I feel alone, very alone."

She took off his tie. "You're not alone."

"We can't ... "

"No, I know we can't. You're not ready, but you like a nice, full-body hug, don't you?"

"I do." he said, as she led him over to the bed. He got onto it first and she snuggled up against him. The ache in his chest began to fade and the terrible sense of isolation disappeared. The warmth of her body against his was more than physical. He could feel her love for him, her longing to take away his emptiness and heal his broken heart.

She kissed his neck and then whispered in his ear, "You're not alone, my love. I'm here. I'll stay here."

"Even when we find a way back to your world?"

"You are my world." she said.

"I'm serious." he said.

"So am I. You feel like nobody's priority, but you will always be mine." She took his hand, her fingers entwining with his. For a moment, it actually hurt, reminding him of millions of years alone, but then he felt the beauty of it, her touch and her promise.

"Dean ... " he began.

She waited for more, but there was nothing he could say. No words came to him. During the silence, he was acutely aware of her fingers on his, her breath on his skin. She brought peace to his essence and the usual physical sensations and desires to his vessel.

He wished he could let go of his fears and make love to her, but in the current situation, that would be little better than using her as another distraction and she deserved better than that. His libidinous vessel was putting thoughts in his head and they were good thoughts, but a better thought was that she still loved him.

He thought she would even love him if she knew that a rogue, human part of his mind, too closely tethered to his vessel, was imagining a much more carnal connection. She would understand. She seemed to understand everything.

"Whatever Dean said or did, it wasn't him." she said.

"Sam says I should avoid him. He hates angels more today. Yesterday was bad enough. If he's getting worse, instead of better ... "

"It's how the human mind works." she said, "When you're working through stuff, things get pretty intense. It means he's confronting it. When did Dean last lose a confrontation?"

"I'm not sure he wants to win this one. He's been angry with me before. He bears grudges."

"We talked a lot at the bar, last night. Whatever grudges he has, they're not with you. The easiest thing would be to keep angels out of his life, send you and Jack to the farm and just avoid the issue. He's good at avoidance. He's fighting this for you. You can see what it's doing to him and he is doing it anyway because you matter to him."

"I thought I was stronger than this." he said.

"You're as strong as he is." she said.

"I'm not even close. I'm afraid, all the time. Sam asked me to use the mind link with him and I couldn't."

"Why not?" she said.

He didn't think he knew and was surprised to hear himself answer, "Too powerful a reminder of what I've lost, but if I keep refusing, I'll lose it with Sam too. Dean will never want the link back. Things between us will never be the same again."

"Before you met Dean, did you ever think anything would change?" she asked.

"No, never. I certainly never thought a human would change me."

"So don't assume your fears are infallible prophecy. Life is unpredictable. Friendship is powerful. Don't give up hope. Trust Dean. When has that ever been the wrong choice?"

"A few times, maybe, but not often."

She kissed him. He hugged her more tightly. "I love you." she said.

"I love you too." he replied, "Can we stay here for a while, like this?"

"We can stay here all day, if you like." she said, "I'd do anything to help. I know how bad this is for you."

"At some point, I have to face Dean again and see that hatred and anger in his eyes."

"All I see there is pain."

"It's not you he hates." said Cas.