School began again and I found myself hating it more than I ever had before. While it was a good distraction at times, it was nothing more than an incredible nuisance now. At the start of my senior year, a lifetime ago, Edward had arranged things so he would be in all of my chosen classes. Then, I had been extremely pleased. Now, it was a dreadful curse. On the first Monday back after spring break, I tried to duck my head and ignore all of the excited whispers.

The Cullens were back. The hallways seemed to whisper excitedly. I kept my head down and tried to ignore everyone, yet I still heard the cover story. It was the same as it had been before, except now people believed Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie were off to college. Dr. Cullen was with those three in San Diego while Mrs. Cullen stayed here in Forks with their two senior teenagers, Edward and Alice. The family would all come together again once Edward and Alice graduated. It was surprising to me how easily the population bought their stories. As I struggled through my morning, I contemplated and finally decided that it was a potent mixture of their cleverness and dazzling eyes that made them so believable.

I told myself not to feel guilt or agitation, but I was stuck with both. The agitation I had grown used to over the months. The guilt was unbearable. It was everywhere like the green of moss and algae in Forks. I saw it in the sad looks Alice cast my way every morning. I saw it in the hubcaps of a shiny silver Volvo as it pulled out of the school parking lot and followed me safely home. I saw it in the way Angela patted me quietly on the shoulder at lunch and the way Jessica constantly elbowed me in the ribs, excitedly informing me every single time Edward was staring from across a room. I saw it in the hasty turnarounds I performed in the hallways in order to avoid potential close-contact.

The guilt was in the way I couldn't sleep at night without Jacob at my side. In how I paced the floorboards at two in the morning, wanting so badly for him to tap on my window, but knowing he was busy chasing down a mad killer. For me. It was in the way I stared obsessively out the window at night, hoping and hating every time I caught sight of a pale blur or a hulking wolf at the trees' edge. Guilt was golden eyes and pale skin and mocha chocolate gazes and russet skin. It was in the suffocating silence.

I didn't see Jacob for more than a handful of seconds the first week the Cullens were back. A part of me wondered how much of that was due to patrolling and how much was due to his own upset. I sent text messages to his cellphone each night. Just a simple goodnight, but he never replied. I wondered if he ever had his cellphone on him. I thought not considering he had no pockets when running through the forest as a huge wolf. I had seen him in wolf form a handful of times, giving me burning stares late at night once Charlie was sleeping in bed. He never came to my window and usually trotted back into the shadows after I had seen him. He's upset too, Bella.

I never spoke to Edward. In fact, I never even glanced at him if I could help it. Once or twice, I caught his beautiful image out of the corner of my eyes in classrooms. It was nearly impossible to look away if his golden stare caught mine, so I made a point of never looking at all. It was difficult, incredibly so, considering we were in the same room every hour of my time at school. I was both relieved and disappointed that he had yet to force me to talk to him. Once upon a time, he had appeared out of thin air at every opportunity. He would speak in riddles and offer quick, wicked smirks that never failed to irk me. Whenever these memories crept up on me, my chest would ache horribly. I would hastily busy myself with the nearest task in order to calm myself down. Guilt gnawed at my gut to the point of queasiness.

As much as I hated myself for it, Edward still called to me on some unexplainable level. He still held my attention if he was within vicinity. A part of me, where the guilt resided the deepest, wanted to speak to him. To whisper. To touch. To forgive and love once more. And yet every time I thought of such treacherous things, Jacob would force his way into my mind. My heart. My soul. My Jacob. He was like the sun on an early morning, full of peaches and cream and peace. He was sunshine and a breath of fresh air. He called to me, too. It wasn't an overpowering tug on my navel when I was around Jacob, but more like a slow emergence in fresh, warm water. There was no holding my breath as a cocktail of anxiety and yearning choked me. There was no icy cold sense of wonder and awe piercing me in the chest as golden eyes stared. No urgency. No fear. No extreme caution. None of that trepidation existed with Jacob. It was horrible of me to compare the two, but I did so anyway.

My time with Edward had been surreal as if another person had lived it. His world was magical, exhilarating, and daring. Every moment had been fraught with danger that had me somehow craving more in a way that left no room for any other feeling. To be without him had been intolerable even for a few hours. His touch was God himself. His silence or disappoint was the ultimate punishment. Edward had consumed me as no other ever had before and never would again. I knew, in a way, my attraction for Edward surpassed that for Jacob. I hated myself for admitting it. And it was after I admitted my debilitating attraction to Edward that I realized I didn't want him. I loved him. Respected him. Admired him. Craved him fiercely. Yet, I was terrified of him. Had always been terrified of him. Terrified of his almost unnatural hold on me and what that meant.

As I sat on the porch after dinner one night, I came to another realization. The Bella with Edward had not been the Bella who stood before him now. That Bella would have given anything, done anything, been anything, in order to remain at Edward's side. She wouldn't have avoided meeting his gaze. She wouldn't have allowed another male into her bedroom. She would have, and nearly had, died just to be near him. Her most coveted wish had been simply to be his. Any other aspirations had simply disappeared within the light of his magnificent presence. How incredibly narrow-minded, near-sighted, and stupid had that Bella been. Still, she had bypassed every danger with bravery that might be considered admirable to certain individuals, but the throughout the entire relationship, that Bella waited anxiously for him to realize how feeble she was. How weak. Plain. Clumsy. Boring. Prudish.

I shook my head in disgust and leaned deeper into Charlie's wooden rocking chair. My eyes were trained on the trees, which were swaying slightly in the late evening breeze. For a moment, I saw a flash of bronze hair high upon the top of a fir. My heart skipped a beat before pounding in my chest. I sighed and wrapped my arms around myself.

Over time, my deepest fears had come true, hadn't they? Edward had crushed me as surely as Tyler's van would have a year ago had Edward not saved me. I would have stayed with Edward through everything and anything. It wasn't blustering, but outright fact. I would have forsaken my parents- kind and loyal Charlie, eccentric and bubbly Renee- to become a vampire. I would have given up my life and the few friends I had made. Kind Angela, snide Jessica, persistent Mike, nerdy Eric. The first friends I had ever really made. I would have left them and, had I stayed with Edward, I would have never discovered the true brilliance of Jacob Black.

I wanted to say all of this to him, to Jacob, but I wasn't sure how to do so. A few times I had tried writing letters, blushing all the while, but I threw each one into the waste basket next to the desk in my bedroom. I had written it so many ways. I love him and I always will, but I love you, too. Edward consumes me in a way I can't explain, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I don't want to be this way. You deserve better, Jake. I don't know what to do, Jacob. I don't want you hurt. How can it be possible to love two people at the same time? You were right. We were never just friends. Somehow you were always my Jacob, even when we had that first talk about car cylinders on the beach. I love you, Jacob, that will never change. I won't leave you like he left me.

It was later that night, as I tried to write yet another letter, that all of my conflicting thoughts solidified into a single sharp point. Jacob had never left me. And that made all the difference. With a sigh, I left the half-written letter on my desk and kicked my sweatpants off before crawling under the blankets. My eyes fluttered for a time, but I eventually fell into a restless sleep. When I woke sometime later it was to a warm and wet kiss being pressed to my forehead. Mumbling, I rolled over only to find my window open and the room empty. Cold night air flowed into the room as the curtains danced about. Stumbling to my feet, I frowned and stuck my head outside. A reddish-brown tail flickered just as it disappeared within the foliage.

Turning back toward my bed, I realized my desk lamp was on. Walking forward, I went to flick it off. My arm froze in mid-air. My waste basket was sitting on the chair. Empty. No more crumbled balls of paper. I frantically searched, but couldn't find a single scrape of old paper. Atop the desk lay a single sheet of paper and a pen, but it wasn't my clumsy scrawl that I saw. It was a slanted, neat set of block letters that read: I would never leave you, Bella, unless you wanted me to. Even though walking away from you would be the hardest thing I've ever done, I will do it if you need me to. I don't want to tear you in two, honey. I love you too much for that. Your Jacob.

Sitting on the edge of my bed, I reread the letter. Once. Twice. A third time. Carefully, I placed it back on the desk. I stuck my head out my window and whispered loudly, "Jake. Jake, do you hear me? Jacob!"

I waited with ears and eyes intently focused. There was only the sound of the night breeze and subtle rustling of leaves. I called once more and then jumped when I saw a big, boxy head pop out from behind a large tree trunk. Squinting, I tried to make out the wolf's features. I said, "Wait, whoever the heck you are. Just stay right there."

I slipped my discarded sweatpants on and darted down the stairs, tripping and pausing with baited breath. Once I was assured Charlie was still snoring upstairs, I walked out of the back door and in the general direction I had seen the wolf. He purposely put one big paw out in the open. I changed direction slightly and came nearly nose-to-snout with a massive beast. It cocked its large head to the side as I stepped behind a hemlock. I glanced at the house, making sure I wasn't visible, before turning back to the wolf. Chocolate fur. Quil.

"Quil?" I questioned quietly.

A big head nodded and a pink tongue lolled out. He panted happily. I giggled and said, "Okay. Um, where's Jake? He was here a minute ago, wasn't he?"

The wolf cocked his head to the side before jumping up. I stumble and would have fallen had my back not hit a trunk. Quil let out a quiet rumble. He darted away. I whispered frantically, "Hey! Wait!"

There was rustling and the whisper of a zipper. A very human Quil, who was mostly naked, walked out with a bright grin. "Hey, Bells. Looking great."

I glanced down at my ratty sweatpants and thin tanktop. My bra was black and easily showed through the light grey material of the shirt. Blushing, I crossed my arms over my breasts. I cleared my throat and mumbled, "Just wanted to know if Jake was around or not."

"He just left." Quil said, "I'm on duty until dawn."

I reluctantly replied, "Thanks, Quil. Wish you didn't have to watch over me."

"I don't mind. It beats school any day." He carelessly shrugged.

I sighed, "Watching me must be pretty boring, though."

"Sometimes, but then I just hunt down game. It's fun." Quil grinned sharply.

"Um…you guys…um…eat animals while in wolf form?" I asked clumsily.

He laughed, "I've never tried it. Mostly I just scare the deer."

"Right. Well. Interesting." I nodded my head cautiously.

He suddenly asked, "Do you want me to try to get ahold of Jake?"

"Oh, no." I hastily reassured, "No, that's alright."

"You sure? Is something wrong?" He asked worriedly.

I shook my head. "Thanks, but no, Quil. I guess I should get some rest."

Quil nodded while a frown. "Okay. See you later, Bella."

I nodded and slowly made my way back inside. It was still dark out, but a quick glance at the clock face in the living room told me that it was an hour before dawn. With a sigh, I climbed the stairs and took a long shower. By the time I dried and brushed my hair, Charlie's alarm was blaring across the hallway. I dressed in jeans and a navy-blue sweater. Pulling my hair into a tail, I went to the kitchen and made a quick breakfast. By the time Charlie meandered down, I had hot cinnamon oatmeal, buttered toast, and scrambled eggs on the table.

He sat down just as I handed over a cup of freshly brewed coffee. After taking a slurping mouthful, Charlie mumbled, "Thanks, Bells."

"Welcome, Dad." I said as I sat across from him. I picked fitfully at my bowl of oatmeal. By the time Charlie had finished and put his dishes in the sink, I had eaten only half of my serving. Charlie tucked his gun belt around his waist and said, "Bye, Bells. Have a nice day at school."

"Bye, Dad." I said. As soon as the door shut, I scooted away from the table and scraped my half-eaten food into the trash can. I washed the soiled dishes and scrubbed the table before heading upstairs to brush my teeth. I sat on the edge of my bed and reread Jacob's letter once more. I spent some time restlessly pacing before punching in Jacob's number into my cellphone. I waited. His cellphone rang and rang before going to voicemail. Biting my lip, I sat on my bed. I typed out a text message and erased it. I tried again and again before settling on a simple: Can I see you soon?

My thumb hovered for a long moment before I pressed SEND. Grabbing my battered backpack, I locked the front door and headed for my truck. I was running a bit later than usual, but I couldn't find it in myself to care. Once the cab was toasty warm, I backed out of the driveway and headed to school. I wasn't surprised, despite my late timing, to find a silver Volvo directly behind me only a minute after I left home. My stomach tightened painfully. The lot was full of vehicles as I pulled in, so it took a while to find a parking spot. The Volvo parked five spots away from me. I tried to focus on my feet as I walked. My first period class had already begun, so I was forced to go to the main office for a pass.

I sat mindlessly through my morning classes. My grades had surely dropped drastically at the beginning of the year due to my zombie-like state. As time went on, I managed to increase my percentages marginally. It mattered, but not nearly as much as it once had. My depression over the Cullens had ruined any chance of a scholarship. I could never imagine leaving Forks to attend college, anyway, even if a scholarship was offered to me. I had grown so fond of Charlie and the idea of him being alone was enough to make me want to cry. When pamphlets were handed out in the hallways for various colleges, I just shook my head and kept walking. I listened to Jessica babble on in Spanish, nodding or mumbling when appropriate. Twice I checked my cellphone when the teacher wasn't looking. Both times my heart sunk with disappointment. Jacob hadn't replied.

When the bell rang for lunch, I slowly made my way to my locker. I chunked textbooks inside and slammed the locker door closed. Jessica had jumped on Mike nearly the moment he came out of his classroom with Eric in tow. I trialed behind them all. When Lauren joined, Jessica went to her side and starred gossiping about the Cullens. Lauren was enviously talking about Alice's shirt while Jessica was sighing over Edward's hair. I glanced at the subject of their talk without meaning to. Both Edward and Alice were sitting at a wooden picnic table in the rarely used courtyard. There were bottles of water sitting in front of them. Golden eyes had my heart skipping a beat. I glanced toward the parking lot in an attempt to pull my eyes away. And my feet ground to a halt. I stumbled right into Mike's back. He caught my elbows and chuckled, "Whoa, Bella. You good?"

I snapped my jaw shut and glanced at Mike's smiling face before pulling out of his hold. I said, "Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine, Mike."

"Come on." He said as he glanced at our group, which had walked several paces ahead. I could still hear Lauren and Jessica chattering loudly. I glanced back at the parking lot and said, "Um. Actually, I need to go to my truck for something."

Mike frowned as he followed my gaze. He flatly said, "Oh. It's him."

I rolled my eyes and started across the parking lot. I didn't bother looking behind me, but instead focused on what was in front of me. Leaning against my truck, tall and dark and smirking, was Jacob. He wore a white t-shirt that fit his shoulders and arms in a way that made me blush. Over that he wore a black leather jacket. His jeans were stained and had a hole at one knee. His ankles were crossed casually and on his big feet were a pair of dark brown hiking boots. I had gotten so used to him wearing nothing but cut-off denims that I found myself confused by his layers of clothing. His arms opened as I came closer. Smoothly and effortlessly, Jacob scooped me up into a hug before I had time to overthink.

My arms went around him after a moment. He lingered, breathing in my scent as I breathed in his. He whispered, "Missed you, honey."

There was a slight shift inside of my chest, so seemingly insignificant, just a lessening of tightness that allowed me to breathe deeply once more. I grazed my cheek against the fabric of his shirt and murmured, "Missed you, too."

I could feel his hot breath tickling the top of my head. Jacob's nose was rubbing back and forth in the same rhythm as his big palms against my lower back. I could feel strands of my hair getting stuck against his chin. The roughness of his skin let me know he had stubble across his jawline, which was weaving together with the long strands of my hair. He quietly asked, "Do you want to ditch with me?"

My body tensed slightly. I pulled away and his hands stilled on my waist, holding me gently in place. I had to crane my neck backward to look up at his tall figure. "Ditch? Don't you have to patrol?"

He gave a one-shouldered shrug. "I stopped patrolling the Rez at dawn. Slept for a while. I'm on Bella Duty until midnight now. I'm yours until then."

I glanced back at the school buildings, trying valiantly to not look at the two pale and flawless figures perched so still on a wooden picnic table. I couldn't catch sight of Mike or anyone else, so I assumed the group were chattering and eating in the cafeteria. I bit my lip, debating for a moment, before turning back to find Jacob staring intensely at me. It was a dark, indulgent look like chocolate and brownies on a cold day. My heart skipped a beat. Jacob smiled brightly and chuckled, "Are you scared, Bells?"

"No." I retorted with a roll of my eyes, "Let's go before lunch is over."

"Yes." He happily declared, "I actually convinced you."

I snorted, "Honestly, it wasn't that difficult. I hate it here."

"Let me have my moment of glory, would you?" He dramatically sighed.

I tried not to smile. "Are you trying to tell me what to do, Jacob Black?"

He gave me another breezy smile before climbing into the passenger side. Once I cranked the truck, we were off. I asked, "Mine or yours?"

Jacob looked at me oddly for a moment before saying, "Yours."

When we walked into the house, I went right to the kitchen and began making sandwiches with leftover roasted turkey breasts. I pulled out a wooden cutting board and grabbed tomatoes out of the refrigerator. There was no noise behind me as I worked. No thudding footsteps or brushing of fabric against fabric. No throat clearing or loud breathing. No sniffling. Jacob was deadly silent now. I glanced over my shoulder to see him sitting at the kitchen counter while watching me. His full lips pulled up into a grin and I nearly sliced my fingertips. Squeaking, I faced forward and concentrated on what I was meant to be doing. Jacob asked, "You okay, Bells?"

"Yeah." I continued chopping and mumbled, "Why do you ask?"

"I dunno." He sighed, "Maybe…you know…because of the letters."

Biting my lip, I smeared a thin layer of mayonnaise on a slice of wheat bread. I assembled the sandwich carefully as I spoke. "You weren't meant to read any of those."

He earnestly said, "I didn't mean to sneak, Bella. I just…it was wrong of me."

"You could have woken me up and talked." I quietly replied.

He said, "I know, but you looked peaceful. Wanted you to get some shut eye."

"You need it more than I do." I said, "You could have stayed the night."

"I wanted to, but wasn't sure if you wanted me around." He whispered.

I sighed as I went to the pantry and pulled out a fresh bag of potato chips. I popped the seal and handed them over to Jacob along with a plate stacked with two turkey sandwiches. I was digging through the refrigerator, taking entirely too long on purpose, when I finally mustered up a reply.

"Of course, I want you around. If I didn't, I would say so."

Jacob's voice was deep and sad when he said, "I wasn't so sure. I meant what I wrote to you last night, Bella. If I'm only making you hurt, I'll go."

Grabbing a pitcher half-filled with lemonade, I poured Jacob a glass and brought it to the table. I avoided his eyes and focused on slowly setting the glass down. As I turned to go back to the counter top to clean my mess, Jacob gently touched my hand. His thumb rubbed a tender rhythm as he whispered, "I understand. I think I get what you haven't been able to say, Bella."

"Really?" I croaked as hot tears burned behind my closed eyes. My chin wobbled embarrassingly. I wiped at my face as I muttered, "That's amazing because I don't understand it myself."

"You do." Jacob quietly said, "You know what you want to do. It seemed clear enough to me written right there on paper."

Blushing, I took my hand from his and walked across the kitchen. My hands were clumsy and slow as I washed the cutting board. I heard Jacob swallowing heavily from his glass. The tinkling of ice a moment later had me reaching for the pitcher. I poured more while still avoiding his eyes. I said, "You're right."

I took the pitcher and poured a second glass. Sitting across from him, I stared at my hands. My throat was dry, so I sipped on the lemonade as Jacob ate. I knew he wasn't looking at me anymore, but paying strict attention to his food. I knew, not just because I heard him crunching on chips, but because I couldn't feel the hot burn of his gaze. I mumbled, "It's easier for me…when I don't have to see him. Any of them."

Jacob didn't speak. I heard him crunch on another chip. I inhaled deeply and said, "I have to talk to him, though. I don't want to, but I have to."

There was a pause and I lifted my eyes. Jacob was staring now, but his mocha eyes were gentle as he whispered, "I know."

We lapsed back into silence. Those two words were like scissors snipping away at ropes around my wrists. The binding chaffed afterward, but relief flooded me once the sting was gone. I croaked, "I feel sick just thinking about it."

"I'll be nearby, Bells." Jacob evenly said, "At school. Here. Wherever. Just tell me when and I'll be there for you, honey."

"School." I mumbled, "Seems the easiest place."

"Okay." Jacob replied and reached for his glass of lemonade. I watched his throat move as he drank. He licked his lips and it reminded me of childhood memories. Smiling wobbly, I took a sip from my glass. After he finished eating, we went upstairs. I sat at my desk and worked through Trig homework while Jacob snored softly on my bed. At half past five o'clock, I turned on my bedside radio in order to drown out his snoring. I went downstairs and hastily threw together spaghetti and meatballs. I was just pulling garlic bread from the oven when Charlie walked through the front door.

After making a rather large plate and setting it aside, I cleaned the kitchen and talked briefly with Charlie about his day. He was eating quickly at the table, taking peeks at the television, which was loudly broadcasting a baseball game. Rather happy that he wouldn't be able to hear Jacob's snores, I grabbed the heaping plate of pasta and a glass of water before heading upstairs. Charlie called out, "Why aren't you eating down here, Bella?"

"Too much homework, Dad!" I called back, "Sorry. Goodnight."

The loud voices had woken Jacob, whose dark eyes were heavy when I walked in. He was in the process of sitting up. I tried desperately not to stare at his naked chest. I failed miserably. Tripping over my feet, I sloshed some of the iced water down my front. Huffing, I handed over the plate of pasta to a snickering Jacob. He plucked the glass from my hand and said, "Thanks."

I sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the wet fabric of my T-shirt away from my skin as Jacob heartily dug into his meal. I heard footsteps and nearly panicked, darting to my bedroom door and throwing the lock quickly. Sticking my ear to the wood, I heard Charlie clearing his throat and shuffling into the bathroom. With a sigh, I turned around to find an amused Jacob watching me as he stuffed his mouth full of warm bread. I pointed a finger at him and firmly whispered, "No peeking."

Frowning, Jacob watched as I walked to my dresser and pulled out an old, ratty T-shirt and cotton shorts. I motioned quickly and Jacob closed his eyes, plate in one hand and bread in the other. I undressed and hurriedly pulled on my pajamas while darting nervous glances toward Jacob, who loyally remained with eyes shut. After stumbling about, I sat on the edge of the bed once more.

Jacob smirked and asked, "Finished?"

"Open your eyes and eat." I replied as I pulled my messy hair into a ponytail. He was still smirking, dark eyes sparkling, as he ate the last of his food. When he went to set the plate on the nightstand I asked, "Good?"

"Oh, yeah." Jacob replied, "Better than Dad's for sure."

I let out a chuckle before saying, "Always so complimentary."

"To you, yeah." Jacob gave me a wink, which had me snorting and rolling my eyes even though I felt my cheeks warming up. There was a pause before I asked, "Did you sleep well?"

"Yup." He said before adding, "I'll sleep even better if you would slide in beside me. What do you say, Bells?"

I smiled and whispered, "Sure, sure. Scoot over."