New Memories: A Bartowski Christmas

By Steampunk . Chuckster

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Here's part 11, aka the penultimate chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own the show and I'm not making money.

Sarah drove her Lotus all over the Los Angeles area as she asked Ellie how she was, asking for updates on both Devon and Clara. Ellie apparently found matching ugly Christmas sweaters for all three of them and had every intention of making Devon wear his on Christmas day. Baby Clara had no choice in the matter.

"You know, this is my first Christmas without my brother. It's weird, Sarah. I keep stopping in the middle of the grocery store, or in the kitchen preparing food, or decorating…because I keep thinking I'm missing something. But then he texted me one day and it just sort of hit me right between the eyes suddenly. It's just that Chuck isn't here. Isn't that crazy?" Ellie asked.

"It's sweet. We really miss you guys."

"We miss you, too. I wish we could have come for Christmas, but…"

"Maybe next year, we'll come to Chicago."

"Ohhh and actually have a Christmas with snow for once? Would Chuck even survive it? Or would he whine about the cold the whole time?"

Sarah laughed at how much Ellie had pegged Chuck to a tee right then. The man hated the cold.

"So…Sarah. How are things?" her sister-in-law finally asked. There was more meaning in the question than Sarah was really prepared for, even though she had called Ellie to try to dive deep into this whole... Christmas memory loss fiasco.

"Um…well…"

"Is something wrong?"

The concern and warmth in Ellie's voice filled her eyes with tears. Apparently her inner thoughts had her so tied up in knots that something so small could make her feel the urge to cry.

"No, no. Nothing is terribly wrong, or anything. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. Um…someone who isn't...Chuck. This time."

"Are you and Chuck…okay?"

"Yes." Sarah sniffled, trying to shove the tears back. "We're great. Better than ever. It's just that with Christmas being tomorrow I guess I'm having a crisis. On my own, you know? I can't talk to Chuck about it because he's part of the crisis, I guess."

"You're referring to your memories, huh?"

"Yeah. Those. I just want everything back. I keep having these moments of feeling incomplete. Or…um…broken or something. Because there are so many important things I just can't remember. And as much as I know Chuck loves me, I can't help feeling like he…" Her voice broke a little and she huffed, trying to compose herself as she slid to a stop at a red light. "Like he deserves more, Ellie. I want to be able to give him everything he needs. Everything he wants. And I can't when I'm only some parts of the Sarah he married, instead of all of her."

It hurt terribly to hear herself say those words, and the tears started rolling down her cheeks. She wiped at them with her fingers, as though she was afraid Ellie might see them through the phone.

"Oh, honey. Don't cry. I know this is the worst for you. For both of you, but mostly you. But you have to get past it. Listen to me, Sarah." Sarah nodded even though Ellie couldn't see it. "It's okay that you want those memories back. They're good memories. Chuck proposing in the hospital, your wedding day, your honeymoon, and all of the other things I probably know nothing about that were special for you two. You want to remember all of those things and there is nothing wrong with that, Sarah. And it's okay that you want to give Chuck everything he needs. That's how it should be when you love someone. I want to give Devon everything he needs and vice versa. I can promise you Chuck feels the same way. But the fact of the matter is, it's hard for people to do that—even people who haven't had five years' worth of their memories wiped."

"I just want him to be happy, Ellie. And I'm afraid that he will never be quite as happy as he was before. As he would be if I just remembered more. If I was less like some different, other person that he's had to fall in love with. Or I guess, someone he has to work to fall back in love with." She sniffled again and turned onto another street, driving aimlessly. But it helped her think, work things out. It always had.

"Sarah, I'm going to let you in on a little not-so-secret secret. And I want you to believe me when I tell you this. I've talked to Chuck so much over the last year. I should say the last few months that I've been in Chicago and you and Chuck have been dealing with all of this. He's called me an awful lot. When you were gone…" Sarah blanched, still ashamed of herself for leaving him the way she did, even if she knew she really shouldn't blame herself for the fear she'd felt back then. Not knowing him but loving him with every fibre of her being, and how utterly terrifying that was. "I know what you're thinking right now, Sarah. And nobody blames you for that. I don't. Chuck certainly doesn't. You needed to step back, reevaluate everything. Figure things out, your feelings, your soul...your heart. God, I can't even imagine… But that's beside the point."

Sarah could almost see Ellie waving her hand around as she brushed that topic to the side.

"Sarah, he's happy. He's so happy. When he called me to tell me you came back, I could feel his happiness spilling out of the phone on my end. It made me so happy I cried. That was before you'd even moved in with him, before you said you loved him...again. He was just happy you were in his life. In the flesh. You know what that means?"

"What?" Sarah breathed, swallowing thickly.

"It's simple, really. It means that he loves you with no reservations, no provisos."

"Ellie, I know he does. I know that. But…"

"What, you think he just loves the shell of you? The part of you that looks like Sarah? And he's willing to forsake the memories and the rest of it, so that he can have Shell Sarah? Do you really think that little of him?" Sarah opened her mouth to protest. "Or is it that you think that little of yourself?"

She was silent, staring out of her windshield as a soft mist of rain began pattering against the glass. She turned on her windshield wiper even though she didn't need it yet.

"I just…wonder sometimes if Chuck lies in bed at night wishing he had that Sarah next to him. Instead of me. You know, in quiet moments. If he thinks about how much better his life would be if I remembered everything." She bit her lip when Ellie was quiet on the other line. She almost asked if she was still there in case the phones had cut out, or they'd gotten disconnected, but then Ellie spoke up, interrupting the silence.

"Sarah, you still don't get it, do you? I mean, it makes sense though. You've only actually known Chuck for less than a year…that you can remember."

"That's what I mean, though, Ellie. The old Sarah knew all about him. Knew how to take care of him. Knew what he needed. She could read him in a way I can't. Translate his weird nerd-talk, figure out his moods. I have so much to learn about him. I have so much catch-up to do and I'm terrified I'll never actually...catch up. That I'll always be reaching and scrambling."

"Oh, Sarah. Everybody knows it but you."

Sarah blinked. "Knows what?"

"You are that Sarah." Her brow furrowed in confusion at that. "You're the same person you have always been, whether you remember those five years or not. You could never be anyone else."

"I don't know if I agree with you," Sarah admitted quietly.

"And I get that, but… Okay, you woke up after Quinn took your memories in the exact same emotional and mental state you had been in before you met Chuck, before you were sent here to protect the Intersect. But you told me something while we were planning your wedding together, Sarah."

Sarah sat up a little straighter. "What did I tell you?"

"You told me there was a mission before Operation Bartowski that had caused you to wonder about the life you'd chosen, and if there was something better out there. A life with a family and friends. You started thinking about what it might be like to be a regular girl, work a regular job, making friends, taking classes like ceramics and pottery classes, maybe even meeting someone and marrying him and eventually having a family."

"I said that?" she asked a little breathlessly.

"Yeah, you did. I think at that moment you were a little flabbergasted that you were out with your future sister-in-law planning your wedding. A real wedding without all of the spy mumbo-jumbo. Your wedding, to a man you never thought you'd be able to plan a future with, thanks to the situation you both were in for so long." Sarah was quiet. "You see, Sarah, you were always that girl. Even before you met Chuck, you wanted more out of life than just the next mission. When you woke up in the hotel room without your memories, you were still that same girl who wanted a life with more meaning than just mission after mission, hotel room after hotel room."

"Oh, I-I guess so…" The clouds were beginning to clear away. Slowly.

"And let me tell you something else, too. If you think for even a second that Chuck loves you less now than he did before, you aren't as smart as I thought you were, Sarah Bartowski. That boy has loved you from the moment he first saw you and if anything it's gotten stronger every single day. He has always loved you. He never stopped. He never will. And it isn't because he remembers how you were before, it isn't that he's still hoping for the, quote, old Sarah to come back. He isn't waiting for her because she doesn't exist. There's just you, Sarah. No old Sarah or new Sarah. You're just Sarah. The same Sarah who's always been here."

The ex-CIA agent pulled her Lotus into a parking lot and stopped the car in the nearest legal space before holding her head in her hands to finally let the tears come.

"You're the same person he fell in love with six years ago. You're the same person we've all shared our lives with, shared memories with—and sure, you don't have those memories anymore, maybe you'll never have them again, but that doesn't mean you aren't our Sarah." She heard Ellie's voice catch. "You might not remember as much as we do, but you're still the same person."

"You know," Sarah said, sniffling and leaning against her door, her arms around her torso, "Chuck keeps telling me we're going to make new memories. And that's really getting to me. Because I can't help thinking every time he says it that he's trying to show me he loves me in spite of how different I am from the woman I took five years to grow into. I mean, everything that happened in the last five years, it...obviously changed me. Chuck will tell me about something I did once and it just...surprises the hell out of me that I would really do that. It just seems like something I never would've done. And I just feel like I changed so damn much."

"Not that much," Ellie said and Sarah knew she had just shrugged. The ease with which she'd said it, though, was rather astounding. Ellie chuckled softly when Sarah didn't reply. "Losing your memories doesn't mean you've lost everything else. You don't remember things happening but they still happened. You're the same woman you've taken five years to grow into, you just can't remember the journey. And yeah, that's important, the journey. And I hope you can someday at least have part of that back. But you're still at your same destination. You haven't been set back five years. I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe you have catching up to do."

"But…" But what? She didn't know.

"Sarah, it took you three and a half weeks of sitting around by yourself to realize you didn't want to be without Chuck. You didn't know much about him. Except that he saved the world. And that he was sweet and selfless. And that he loves you. And maybe you thought he was cute."

Sarah laughed. "I did. Definitely."

"See?" Ellie giggled. "But even without knowing a lot about him, you loved him. Right?"

"Yes." And she did. That was why she came back. Even though she was afraid. Terrified, even. She needed Chuck Bartowski in her life, whatever that looked like. She had to try. She'd wanted to try so bad it hurt.

"Maybe you know less about him now than you did before you lost your memories, but you fell in love with him in no time at all. Because you're still the same woman and losing your memories of him didn't make you fall out of love. Nothing else has changed. You see what I'm saying?"

Sarah cried, chuckling wetly. "Yeah, Ellie. I do."

And it made sense. She was still the product of the last six years. She just didn't remember all of the journey.

And Chuck never stopped loving her. She never changed. Her love for him never changed. She just had to rediscover it, dig it out from where it was buried by a botched Intersect. And through it all, he was steadfast. Apparently, so was Ellie.

"I just thought he was making new memories because I was a new woman," she admitted softly.

"Well, you're wrong. They're new memories, this is true…but with the same woman."

Sarah grinned, squeezing herself and shaking her head. She felt so much better. She felt amazing, even. Wonderful. And the soft rain outside of her car was glorious.

Then she bit her lip a little and lowered her gaze to her phone. "Ellie, can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"What do you guys do for Christmas?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, the Bartowski tradition. What have you guys always done to celebrate? I mean, what have we done?"

"Chuck didn't tell you?"

Sarah blushed a little, wincing sheepishly. "I haven't given him much of a chance to tell me. I mean, I didn't ask."

"Heh. Trying to remember it yourself?"

She wrinkled her nose. "Very perceptive, Ellie."

"I really am," her sister-in-law laughed. "Well, it's nothing fancy. We wake up, eat massive amounts of food for breakfast, set out food and drinks to eat throughout the day, marathon old Twilight Zone episodes, and stay in our PJs. Low-key. Really nice."

Oh. God, it was so low-key, so simple, so wonderful. And...that was really it? After all of the avoiding of her husband's questions about tomorrow? It was just eating, Twilight Zone, and PJs? "That...actually sounds amazing."

"It has been. You've always liked it, too."

Sarah grinned. "I'm not surprised I have. What about dinner, though?"

"Ha! What dinner? We just ate throughout the day so dinner was unnecessary for the most part. Well, Chuck would always paw through the freezer and make himself a sandwich with the leftover Thanksgiving turkey he defrosts. Because he is a skinny boy who can eat whatever the hell he wants, the jerk."

Sarah laughed. "Good to know."

"Oh, and Sarah?"

"Hm?"

"Don't forget the fireplace. Chuck's a sucker for a Christmas fire."

The way Ellie just seemed to know that Sarah was planning on setting up the perfect Bartowski Christmas for Chuck…the woman really was some sort of intuitive genius…or something. Or maybe Ellie knew her better than she thought. Now she had two all-knowing Bartowskis to watch out for.

But for now it was time to get back to her man. And she had planning to do.

"Ellie. Thank you so much. I'm so glad I called you."

"I'm glad you called, too. I miss you guys."

"We miss you, too. But we'll call and say hi tomorrow."

"That sounds so perfect."

"I love you." It just came out, rolled off the tongue. And Sarah wondered, with the way Ellie paused, if this was something she'd never said to her sister-in-law before.

"I love you, too, Sarah."

"Merry Christmas Eve. And tell Devon and Clara hello and we miss them."

"Merry Christmas Eve. You give Chuck my love and maybe a punch in his arm for not telling you all of the things I just had to tell you."

Sarah chuckled. "I think I'll give him a break. I'm kinda fond of him."

After she hung up a minute later, she pulled out of the parking lot and drove back to her apartment, her grin wide and her face finally dry.

}o{

Chuck unlocked their front door and opened it.

"Hey, you."

He turned around and saw Sarah walking into the courtyard behind him. "Hi," he breathed, a smile stretching across his face. "I wasn't sure if you were back yet."

She stepped up beside him and smiled. Her eyes were so bright in the mid-morning, post-drizzle sun streaming into the courtyard, and her smile had something extra in it. He didn't know what it was, but she was just radiating an extra bit of warmth and happiness.

Chuck felt like a cornball for thinking it, but then again…it was his modus operandi.

Instead of commenting on it, he leaned in and kissed her cheek gently, which caused her to beam a little brighter. "You gonna go inside or what?" she teased.

"Right, right, right." He pushed the door open and gestured for her to go in first, receiving a giggle as he followed her in.

"Sarah." He heard his voice quiver as he shut the door.

"Hm?" She was shrugging her jacket off and walking towards the hallway that led to their bedroom, but she stopped and turned back.

"It's Christmas Eve. And we still don't have any plans for tomorrow. And I was just wondering what you wanted to do."

To his surprise, a pretty smile was on her face instead of the closed-off look he expected to see. "I was thinking something low key. Just lying around. Being together. You and me."

There was something extra in the way her blue eyes sparkled, a hint of mischief in her smile, and he wondered what had happened. He wanted to say she'd been meaning to surprise him all along, but she had been so short with him over the subject before. Not secretive at all. As though talking about it upset her.

Nevertheless, he shrugged and grinned. "That sounds perfect."

"Good. I'll be out in a second. Just wanna take off my coat and boots." She turned again and walked down the hallway into their bedroom. He was going to go to the couch to take his own shoes off when she appeared in the hallway again, hanging just her torso out and grinning wildly. "And prepare yourself for some mad cuddling Charles Bartowski."

"Shall I switch the tube of the boob on?"

"Sounds good."

She winked and disappeared back into their bedroom, leaving him with a silly smile on his face. It was a pretty fantastic day to be him, he had to admit. But then…wasn't every day a good day to be Chuck Bartowski?

}o{

Sarah Bartowski watched the flickering of the candlelight play on her husband's peaceful features, ignoring the cold that pervaded the sheets lying on top of her otherwise completely bare form. If she didn't have things to do, she would scoot close to him, lift his arm and wrap it around her, falling asleep amidst their shared warmth.

Instead, she just took a moment to really look at him. Now that she had talked to her sister-in-law, had things finally put into perspective for her, and had been told something she really should have realized on her own, everything felt lighter.

The man lying next to her, sleeping rather heavily thankfully, had lit a few candles in their bedroom while she'd been in the shower. It had ended in a rather heated embrace in their bed, a short conversation, another passionate embrace…

And he fell asleep shortly thereafter.

The knowledge that he loved her completely, without conditions or the conflicting what-ifs Sarah had been afraid of before, filled her heart to the brim with overwhelming tenderness. She had been terrified and self-conscious and tentative. And sure, there had been plenty enough reason for it. What she went through was cruel and horrible. But she knew now that Ellie was right. Just because she couldn't remember all of the journey she had taken in those years she spent with Chuck, it didn't mean she was back where she started. She was still the product of those five years. How quickly and easily she had fallen in love with him again was a testament to that. Not to mention the ease with which she left behind the CIA in favor of a real life with an incredibly special man—a life with a family and friends, and a business that filled her with purpose and kept her on her toes.

She wanted this life, just like she had before Quinn happened. She wanted to be with Chuck, work together at Carmichael Industries, settle down, buy a house someday, and have children. That sent a thrill through her. While she wasn't ready just yet for that particular step, she knew she wanted it. And she knew Chuck wanted it. That was better than enough for the time being.

Finally, she forced herself to sneak out of their bed, goosebumps assaulting her skin as the cool winter air hit it. Then she put on her underwear and one of Chuck's shirts from the closet, slinking out of the bedroom and down the hall into the living room.

She had work to do to prepare for tomorrow. Because she was going to make sure Chuck got the best Christmas of his life—with the very same woman he had fallen in love with six years ago, the same woman who had fallen in love with him twice over.

Sarah Bartowski went about her work, brimming with confidence, not caring that she was going to be tired in the morning. Chuck was worth it. Tomorrow was going to be worth it.

A/N: Get it, Sarah.

-SC