"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."
― Chuck Palahniuk
Now
Emily woke up that morning tightly snuggled against JJ, JJ's arm rested loosely on Emily's hip and Emily noticed JJ was wearing her pyjama's. Emily turned around slightly so that she was facing JJ.
Emily turned to look at the clock and noticed it was almost 10 AM, ''JJ'' Emily whispered as she nudged the blonde awake, she should be heading to work. ''JJ, you overslept'' Emily whispered once the blonde opened her eyes, ''I called in sick last night'' JJ smiled as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
''Why?'' Emily asked dumbfoundedly, ''because I wanted to stay with you today'' JJ shrugged. ''You really didn't have to'' Emily whispered, even though she was eternally grateful that JJ had decided to stay. ''I don't like to disagree with you Em, but I did have to'' JJ smiled as she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
''Thank you'' Emily whispered, she felt much better than she had done last night and laying in her bed with JJ made it even better. ''I'm here whenever you're ready to talk about what happened. It doesn't have to be about your abduction, it can be about anything on the bad things list you mentioned'' JJ said.
''Okay'' Emily smiled before placing a soft kiss on JJ's forehead. ''I never told you yesterday but Hotch came by'' Emily said, eager to change the subject '' I'm allowed to come back in one month. But I have to do 10 weeks of FBI-issued therapy''.
''Wow, Hotch really fought for you huh?'' JJ chuckled, ''one month will fly by and I'll be there a lot to help you through. Pen wants to come by as well, she hates leaving the baskets in front of the door''.
''Aaah, I know. I'll call her. Every time she came by I've been sleeping'' Emily dryly chuckled, even though she hadn't been sleeping she just wasn't sure if she could handle Penelope's optimism.
Emily pulled the blanket up to her chin as she watched JJ make her way over towards the bathroom in an oversized FBI shirt. Emily knew she should talk to JJ about what had happened before she was taken, about her love confession, but right now they just wanted to be together, they needed to be together. Without any pressure.
Once JJ came out of the bathroom the two of them made their way to the kitchen, Emily put on the coffee while JJ started on the eggs. It was all Emily ever wanted, someone to wake up with, but she knew this wouldn't last. She would get better and JJ would go back to Will more and more often until they wouldn't see each other as much. They'd occasionally have sex whenever JJ felt like it, but it would never be something more.
''Are you still there?'' JJ chuckled after she had observed Emily staring at the coffee machine for a few minutes ''yes, sorry'' Emily laughed awkwardly. ''Are you okay?'' JJ immediately asked, slightly worried.
''I'm fine, just not a morning person'' Emily smiled, she placed a soft kiss on JJ's forehead before pouring them both a cup of coffee. JJ smiled satisfied with the reply before taking the cup, she leaned against the kitchen counter as she took small sips from the hot drink.
''When's your first session with the FBI-psychologist?'' JJ asked after they had drunk their coffee in silence for a while, ''Mmmh, today actually. I got an email last night, but I only read it this morning. She wanted me to come in around 3'' Emily shrugged.
''Typical FBI'' JJ chuckled, ''always making last minute appointments''. Emily shrugged ''I don't mind, didn't have any plans anyway. Might as well get it over with''.
''Okay'' JJ laughed confused, she hadn't expected Emily being this cool with going to therapy. ''Are you going to talk about what happened yesterday?'' JJ tentatively asked, ''maybe, we'll see'' Emily dryly replied as she averted her gaze from JJ.
''Can you at least try Em?'' JJ asked, knowing full well Emily would try and fake her way through mandatory therapy. ''I said we'll see, what more do you want?'' Emily snapped, something she'd been doing more often.
''Fine'' JJ sighed as she held her hands up in defense, ''I'm just trying to be there for you, to help you'' JJ pointed out. ''I know Jayje, and I appreciate your help, but I can take care of myself'' Emily smiled, with her hand she pushed a few blonde strands behind JJ's ear.
''Can you really Emily? Or are you going to your bathroom cabinet once I leave to take care of yourself?'' JJ angrily asked, Emily whipped her head around so fast you could hear the bones in her neck crack.
''Excuse me?'' Emily hissed, ''You have no right to comment on how I fix what is broken''. JJ flinched at the tone Emily used, cold and distant but also angry and tearful. ''I do have the right Emily. You're my best friend. I care about you'' JJ explained.
''Best friend huh?'' Emily snapped, ''that's it?''. JJ moved her eyes uncomfortably to the side, avoiding Emily's piercing gaze. ''I-… Emily, come on. What do you want me to say?'' JJ whispered, her cheeks flushed a bright shade of red.
''You know what I want you to say JJ'' Emily pointed out, her voice softer than it had been a few seconds ago. ''I can't'' JJ stammered, ''You can't, or you won't?'' Emily sighed.
''Please Emily, don't'' JJ sighed as she brushed her hand through her long blonde hair, ''If you can't be honest with me, I'd like you to leave'' Emily sternly said. JJ looked up surprised '' Really Emily? You're kicking me out?''.
''Yes, you can come back when you're ready to be honest with me. I need to think of me right now'' Emily explained, her anger had dissolved but hurt crossed her face.
''Please let me stay with you'' JJ begged, her eyes were brimming with tears. ''JJ, I'm tired. I've been through a shitload and I need someone to be with me a 100%. You can only be with me when you don't need to be with Will and Henry. Will deserves better. I deserve better'' Emily sighed.
JJ grabbed her bag defeated ''So what? This is it?'' JJ asked, ''we're not even friends?''. Emily held on to the kitchen counter before turning to face JJ whom was standing next to the coffee table. ''Of course, we're still friends JJ. I just need some time'' Emily sighed ''Some time from me?'' JJ stammered, ''It hurts JJ. It hurts to love you but not have you''.
JJ hurried out the front door after that, tears running down her cheeks as they turned into sobs when she reached her car. Her body shook as she sat behind her steering wheel.
She loved Emily with her entire heart, but she loved Will and Henry as well. The guilt was eating her alive.
Even though she had called in sick, she drove to the Quantico office never the less. Her eyes were still red, but it didn't necessarily look like she had been crying, or so she thoughts. JJ bumped into Rossi when she got of the elevator, ''Hey, I thought you were sick?'' he pointed out.
''I- yeah. Just to help Emily with some stuff, but she doesn't need me anymore'' JJ laughed as she shrugged, tears burning in her eyes again. ''Come on, follow me'' Rossi said, noticing the change in JJ almost instantly.
Most of the team were located at their desk and they followed JJ and Rossi with their eyes until Rossi closed his office door behind him, shutting the blinds after that. He motioned for JJ to take a seat on the couch.
''What happened?'' Rossi asked, genuine worry on his face. ''I-… I fucked up'' JJ stammered, ''why?'' Rossi whispered. ''I can't tell you that'' JJ whispered, ''I'm a horrible person''.
''You're not JJ, you are an amazing person who is going through something '' Rossi muttered as he gently tapped his hand on JJ's knee. ''I'm not going through something, I wasn't abducted'' JJ pointed out.
'No, you weren't abducted'' agreed Rossi, '' but, some people forget how traumatic being on the sidelines can be'' Rossi said as he watched JJ carefully. ''You had to live in uncertainty for two weeks until you knew that your friend was safe. Two weeks of that type of stress takes a toll on people''.
''Watching someone you love struggle, not being able to help can be extremely traumatic'' Rossi muttered as he watched JJ cry. ''I just want what best for her, and right now, I'm not what's best for her'' JJ cried.
''I think you're exactly what she needs'' Rossi pointed out, ''everyone in this team has tried to help Emily in some way, but she struggles with letting people in. But she has only really let you in. And that's why she's telling you off, because you've come too close. Which scares her''
''God, you're wise'' JJ smiled as she wiped the tears from her eyes, Rossi reached for the tissue box on the table next to him and handed it to JJ ''Experience my dear, experience''.