Chapter 11

She couldn't back out now, even as much as she wanted to. He needed to know and if she kept it from him any longer it would kill her. It was now or never.

"I lied about the shooting," she muttered. "I lied about my memory of the shooting…I remember everything."

The room fell into an eery silence. Castle's face was emotionless, completely impossible to read. He just stared at her in disbelief, trying to find the right words to say. His mouth was moving, yet no sound was coming out, until he broke eye contact.

"You remember everything?" he said quietly.

"I'm so sorry," she apologised tightening her grip on his hand.

"So, you let me think that you didn't hear me for six months? Six months, Kate."

"Castle, you have to understand that so much had happened," she defended. "I wasn't ready to face that yet."

He pulled his hand from her grasp. "You made me believe that you couldn't remember. And for what? To save yourself from humiliation?"

Castle paced the living room and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"Do you even want to be with me?" he asked.

"Of course, I do!" she ensured. "If I didn't, chances are I would've taken that to my grave." She tried to approach him, but he kept his distance.

"You could've told me right there at the hospital that you weren't ready for a relationship. That you needed time. I would've been fine with waiting, Kate! But lying…I'm not okay with that."

"The reason I didn't tell you was because I was just out of surgery!" she reminded. "I was in no right mind to tell you how I felt there and then. And I was with Josh at the time, Castle. I couldn't just drop him off because you decided to tell me you loved me. Am I proud of lying? No, but it's what I did, and we can't change that now."

Castle was more than just upset, he was infuriated. The woman who he had chased after for almost four years had just admitted to lying to him. The same woman that he was so madly and pathetically in love with chose to forget that he admitted his feelings towards her.

"What about the time in between your break-up with Josh and my accident? Did you consider telling me then?"

She had considered it on multiple occasions. But she had always let fear take over and backed out of every opportunity she had to tell him how she felt. Truth be told, she was terrified of expressing and caving in on her emotions.

"I was dealing with stuff," was all she could say.

"Of course, you were dealing with stuff," he scoffed. "It's always about you."

"Okay…I deserved that," she said, hurt and taken aback by his comment. "You're right. I always make it about me. I'm the one whose mother was murdered. I'm the one who was shot. I'm the one with the PTSD. How selfish of me."

Castle sighed, regretful of his comment. "I love you Kate, okay? I've always made you my top priority, I've always stood by your side and tried to help you no matter how much it hurt me."

He stopped pacing and stood with his face in his hands. Kate stood close to him, wanting more than anything to reach out and hold him but she knew he would just pull away.

"Is it really that difficult for you to let me love you?" he asked, his voice partially cracking due to the pain. "I don't know if you're ready for this, or if you'll ever be. We just jumped into this because of the accident, didn't we?"

"I asked you if you thought we were rushing this and we both said we were ready," she recalled.

"You could've been lying about that as well," he snapped.

"I can't believe you think that…," she said disappointed. "When I came over here I knew you'd be disappointed, but I didn't think this would happen."

"Did you really think this wouldn't hurt me?" he sniggered angrily.

"I was hoping after everything we've been through you'd at least consider it from my point of view. But I guess I have our relationship all wrong."

Kate shoved herself past him and made her way towards the door. She was on the verge of an emotional meltdown and needed to get away from this conversation.

"I would do anything to see you happy," he said to her as she walked away from him. "But apparently that's not enough."

"You're more than enough for me, Rick!" she shouted, tears welling up in her eyes. "You're everything I could ever want. I hurt you, I know. But I fell for a guy who has been divorced twice and been with dozens of women, so I'm allowed to have misgivings."

"You're actually bringing this up now?" he argued. "Are you serious? For almost four years I've been following you around bringing you a cup of coffee every morning just to see you smile. I watched every time you chose another man over me, and now you're bringing up my unsuccessful dating life? Way to go, Kate."

"Who am I kidding?" she sneered. "Forget it. I should've just continued lying to you for the rest of your life because it seems like that's what you wanted."

"You wouldn't have told me if it wasn't for the accident."

"The accident made me realise how much I need you and how lost I would be without you. It was the wake-up call I needed. I would've told you eventually."

"When? After I had almost given up hope on you ever loving me?"

"When I was ready!" she yelled. "I never asked you to stick around. I never expected you to. I kept telling myself that if I didn't make a move soon, you'd move on. And so, I made my move."

"You made your move because of this damn accident! Otherwise you wouldn't have been ready."

"You're right," she assured. "I wouldn't have. But what do you want me to say? Because I'm pretty sure sorry isn't going to fix this."

Castle sat back down on the couch and contemplatively put his hand up to his mouth.

"I need some time to think about all of this," he told the woman now standing by the door.

"Yeah," she agreed. Catching sight of the wine glass still full, she said, "Thanks for the drink…."

She shut the door firmly behind her, but not so much to have slammed it. How could this have gone so horribly wrong? She knew he would've been upset and mad, but she didn't think he would say all those hurtful things that she then reciprocated. She hoped they hadn't stepped so far over the line that things would never be okay again.

Castle sat alone on the couch reliving the argument himself and Kate had just had. Alexis cautiously came down the stairs having heard some of the fight. Seeing her dad slouching forward with his elbows on his knees was enough to tell her he wasn't okay.

"Dad?" she said softly not to startle him.

He raised his head and smiled. "Hey pumpkin."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he lied not wanting her to get worried. "It's nothing you have to worry about."

"No one would be fine after a fight like that," she said sitting beside her dad. "Do you think you two will make up?"

"I don't know if she'll want to," he conceded. "I said some horrible things about her and our relationship."

"She really loves you, dad," Alexis said reassuringly.

"I'm not even sure she does. We rushed into this too quickly."

"I wouldn't make an accusation like that unless she said the words 'I don't love you'."

"She didn't say I love you either," he sighed.

"It's a hard thing to say. Especially for her. She's been through so much and is probably scared."

"She has nothing to be scared of," Castle promised.

"Just don't give up on her, okay?" Alexis asked. "She's allowed to feel afraid."

"Even if I wanted to, I couldn't," he said kissing his daughter on her forehead. "We just need some time to calm down."

"Don't let something that happened in the past ruin your future," Alexis said.

He pulled his daughter close for a well-needed warm, comforting hug. He closed his eyes and rested his chin on her head. Castle was forever grateful to have Alexis in his life. For most of his life she was the only reason he got out of bed every morning. That was until he gained a second reason:

Kate Beckett.