12

Aunt Estelle's cat is playing with the Christmas tree lights. Batting them. She bites a strand and pulls. She backs up, pulling the lights off the tree.

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Everyone's eating in silence. Art picks through the overcooked food with disgust. Nora scowls at Owen's kids' horrible table manners, the boy power-spits an olive pit into his hand. Estelle is eating with a huge serving fork which Jenny removes from her, replacing it with a conventional fork, all of which she is oblivious to. Jack takes a bite of Jello mold. Owen feeds the dog under the table. It CRUNCHES loudly. And tastes terrible. Jack Sr. cuts Alice's meat for her. Scout struggles to keep Rocky out of his food. Toshiko silently apologizes for her family's manners.

"I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa Claus' sled on his way in from New York." Jack suddenly says.

The adults look to the kids for their reaction. Janet and Rocky smile.

Owen sighs "You serious, Jack?"

Jack gives Owen a tired look. He takes a bite of Jello mold. He chews. It doesn't taste right. He looks down at his plate. In the Jello mold are little dry cat food stars. He takes a sip of water and swishes it around his mouth. "Estelle? By any chance, does your cat eat Jello?"

Ianto gives Jack a dirty look. Owen is chewing his Jello. Crunching away. "I don't know about the cat, but I sure am enjoying it. Jack? You want to load me up with a little more? It is goo-ood!"

From underneath the table comes a loud, ugly dog cough. Everyone but Estelle stops eating. The dog coughs again. A deep, resonant crack. The dog coughs again. An extremely LONG and DEEP COUGH. The force of the cough causes the dog to hit the table leg and rattle the glassware.

"Owie?" Jack asks gently.

"Yeah, Jack?"

"What's wrong with your dog?"

"Honey? Toshiko says to Owen "Maybe the bow you put his neck is too tight."

Owen peeks under the table. "He was yacking on a bone but he got it up. He's alright now."

"Maybe if you didn't feed him from the table." Jack nods, resuming his meal.

"No, Jack. He was probably just nosing around in the trash."

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Trash is strewn across the kitchen floor. Snots has gotten into the trash under the sink and has spread it across the kitchen floor.

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The cat continues to pull the lights off the tree.

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Jack and Ianto are cleaning up the mess. Jack complains "I don't know why he isn't in here cleaning this up. It was his dog ..."

"If you want to go in and have dessert, I'll finish." Ianto says to get rid of him.

"That's alright. When I was cutting the pie, I found half a Band-aid." Jack shrugs.

"That must have been Janet. She was helping roll the dough." Ianto shakes his head then pauses, asking "Did you find the other half?"

Estelle is chewing with considerable difficulty. She swallows hard. Lewis leans back and yells to the kitchen. "Jackie! You're not doing anything constructive, you wanna run into the living room and get my stogie?"

The last of the mess is off the floor. Jack is annoyed with the order from Lewis. "Anything else I can do for you, Lewis?"

"He's an old man" Ianto advises to calm him "This could be his last Christmas."

"He keeps it up, Ianto, it will be his last Christmas." He exits the kitchen.

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The cat is still chewing. It yanks its head for a little more strand. Jack walks in and takes Uncle Lewis' cigar case from the coffee table. The lights on the tree go out. Jack looks at the tree, puzzled. He walks over to it. He bends down and plugs in the lights. The tree lights go back on. Jack starts to straighten up. He notices something. The strand the cat's chewing is unplugged. He plugs the lights in. There's a horrendous SCREECH from under the club chair. A tremendous electrical SIZZLE, the lights dim and then an EXPLOSION and the house falls dark.

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Scout holds a cigarette lighter to the circuit box. He re-sets the breaker and the lights go on.

Jack and Owen are at the chair. The others are gathered around and behind. The room smells horrible.

"What's that smell?" Ianto asks with horror.

"I think it's your chair, Ianto."

"Move it away from the wall." Jack says as he seizes an arm and Owen moves to help his cousin.

"I told you, you had too many plugs in one socket." Uncle Lewis says with triumph.

Jack grumbles to himself. He and Owen lift the chair and carry it away from the wall. Everyone leans forward to see what's behind the chair. There's a collective gasp.

"Oh, God ..." Jack moans with horror.

The blackened, smoldering outline of a cat scorched into the carpet.

Aunt Estelle and Uncle Lewis are trying to see past the others. "What is it?"

Ianto shepherds them away. "It's nothing. dessert. Let's go finish our dessert."

Owen tilts the chair and looks at the underside . "If this one's got nine lives, she just spent 'em all."

"Dad? Can you get the door?" Jack calls out and Jack Sr. opens the front door.

Ianto walks in. "What are you doing, Jack?"

"What's it look like I'm doing?" Jack snaps "Throwing away the chair."

"Is it ruined?" Ianto asks, looking back at the rest of the immaculate set he loves so much Jack sighs as he knows Ianto waited months for this bloody living room set.

"Tiger, you and I will not outlive the stink in this piece of furniture."

"What did you do with the cat?"

"There's nothing to do anything with, Ianto. It blew up." Jack is over it "Owen found its asshole stuck to the wall, for God's sake."

"Watch your mouth!" Ianto replies in that low tone of warning. He is not having a good day either ya know ya twat.

Scout gleefully laughs "Oh, sick! I thought it was a piece of liquorice Rocky spit on the wall."

"You know, Jack, if somebody hadda got hit with that thing, it coulda put an eye out." Owen joins in.

"Thanks for sharing that with me, Owen."

They cart the chair outside. Ianto makes a general announcement. "Everything's fine now. Let's just carry on. It's tragic and distressing, but it's over."

Jack and Owen dump the chair on the parkway next to the Santa and the reindeer. Jack notices an odor.

"If you wouldn't mind, Jack, I'd like to see if I can fumigate that chair. It's a good-quality item. You mind if I ask how much it set you back?" Owen asks as he looks at Ianto's prized chair with new interest.

"Do you smell something?"

"Deep-fried pussy cat."

"No, it's some kind of gas" Jack looks into the gutter. "It's coming from the sewer."

Owen picks up the Santa and sets it over the sewer grate. "That oughta take care of it."

Jack shakes his head in disgust and heads back up to the house.

Uncle Lewis is alone in the living room. He's standing in front of the tree. He's lighting his cigar. He puffs furiously and he waves the flame under his stoggie. He shakes the match. It doesn't go out.

Jack has come back inside. He's putting his coat in the closet. There's a flash of intense light from the living room and a low-pitched poof! Jack dashes into the living room. He rushes in and recoils in alarm. "Lewis!"

Uncle Lewis is happily puffing a cigar. The quick, intense flash fire has left the tree a blackened skeleton. Jack is in horror. "The tree!"

Uncle Lewis looks up, oblivious to the raging fire storm behind. Jack points. Uncle Lewis is cranky now "What're you yelling about?"

"Look what you did to my tree!".

He catches the signal and turns to look at the tree. He turns around. His backside's in flames. Horror upon horror. Uncle Lewis is looking wide-eyed at the burning tree. Jack rips a curtain down and dashes to Uncle Lewis. SMOKE DETECTOR GOES OFF. They are cleaning up the kitchen and getting desert ready, Christmas carols are playing on the radio, the TV's blasting for Aunt Estelle's benefit. Ianto hears the smoke detector "Is that the smoke alarm?"

Nora listens "Sounds like it."

"Lewis probably lit a cigar" Ianto shakes his head with annoyance. Great, the remaining furniture will stink of cigar smoke!

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The tree has burned out. Jack slowly unwraps Lewis from the curtain. His toupee's in his face, his cigar's crushed but still smoldering. "Jackie, you're on my priority shit list."

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The tree is a blackened skeleton. The ceiling is blackened. The few gifts that were placed around the bottom of the tree are charred. The ornaments and lights are fried. The carpet around the tree is melted. The family, minus Jack, is in the living room, looking at the burned tree. Art shrugs "It was an ugly tree anyway."

Uncle Lewis agrees "At least it's out of its misery."

Ianto takes Scout and Alice into the foyer. Rocky says to Owen "Will Santy Claus still come?"

Owen thinks "That's a good question, Rocky. Toshiko? If the tree's ... "

"Of course he'll still come, Rocky." She glares at her husband who grins without a care in the world.

"If he's smart, he'll stay well clear of this joint. It's a death-trap from stem to stern." Uncle Lewis snarls.

Alice and Scout are confused and upset. "Tad? The tree burned down, the cat blew up ..."

"I know, honey, but there's nothing we can do about it." Ianto sighs.

Scout is concerned "Dad's gonna flip out, right?"

"Nobody's going to flip out. We're going to have a wonderful Christmas." Ianto snarls through his fake smile, shaking with rage "We just have to be patient. There's nothing to be upset about."