Bloody Aes Sedai

She has ruined everything

What the hell, Barid?

This time Natael was awoken by someone knocking on the door, not by some monstrous dream. It was a pleasant change, because that sort of nightmare was becoming recurrent. Last night, however, he couldn't remember dreaming about anything. He'd been exhausted, but it was the good kind of exhausted, for once. He'd had a dreamless, peaceful night.

When he opened his eyes, he realised that he'd overslept a bit more than usual, judging by the position of the sun.

The person at the door insisted, knocking harder and with some urgency. Natael didn't care. He turned around to watch Taim sleep.

It was a wonder that the frantic knocking hadn't woken him up yet, but there he was, snoring softly, lost to the world. Natael smiled – mostly in triumph, but also at how adorable this was.

"Nate, for the love of the Light, open the door!"

Oh. It was Logain. Perhaps it was important, then. Natael groaned, but he removed the covers, carefully, so as not to wake up Taim, and looked for his robe. He located it – it had landed on his dressing table – put it on quickly and opened the door. "Good morn-"

"Do you have any idea where Taim is?" Logain cut him off. He sounded out of breath. "Please tell me that you do. I can't find him anywhere – he's not in his room, not in his study, no one has seen him. The man is never late, why does he have to be late today, of all days?"

Natael grinned and pointed a thumb behind him. "He's asleep, Logain." Well, either that, or he was pretending to be, so that he wouldn't have to face Logain, Natael, or reality in general. Natael honestly believed that he was sound asleep, but there was that possibility to consider.

Logain's face turned a shade darker. "Oh. Um…well, that's good. You two made up, then." He cleared his throat, looking away. "Please wake him and tell him to get his arse outside as soon as possible."

That was when Natael finally realised that something might be seriously wrong. "Is there a problem?"

"Elayne's here, Nate. You know, the naked queen?" Oh, right, her. "Well, she's not naked now, unfortunately, but she's here, and she demands to see Taim. Don't know why she insists on talking to him – I told her I could show her around, but she's a stubborn brat."

"M'Hael will be down in a few minutes, you can tell her that." Natael closed the door, sighing. This was not how he'd imagined their first morning together, but hey, they had a compound to rule.

He returned to the bed and sat beside Taim, who had not moved an inch. If he was faking, he was doing an outstanding job. Natael poked him in the shoulder. "Wake up."

Nothing.

He leaned forward and spoke directly in his ear. "Taim, it's past breakfast, your palace is on fire, and two men have gone mad and destroyed half the Tower while you were sleeping."

No reaction. Huh.

"Al'Thor came into the room while we were both asleep. He's making a public announcement as I speak."

Taim was dead to the world.

Well…desperate situations called for drastic remedies. Natael kissed him awake.

Taim stirred and pushed him away, eyes still closed. He turned over and muttered into his pillow. "One more minute."

"We don't have a minute. Elayne Trakand is here. Unless you want her to see you naked, you'd better get a move on."

That did the trick. Taim sat up, eyes wide. "She's here?!" He looked out the window and cursed profusely. "Blood and ashes! Why didn't you wake me up?"

"That's all I've been trying to do for the past five minutes!" Natael protested.

Taim lifted the sheets…and then covered himself again, his face turning an alarming shade of crimson. "Where are my clothes?" he mumbled.

"It's too late, you know. I've seen it all," Natael said with a grin.

Taim glanced at the floor, but his discarded robe was somewhere on the other side of the bed, if Natael's memory served. He didn't offer to fetch it for him, though. But Taim didn't let that stop him. He grabbed the sheets and stood with them carefully wrapped around himself, then he seized saidin and opened a gateway leading to his own bedchamber. "Meet me in the courtyard in five minutes," he said, with all the dignity he could muster.

Five minutes was about the time it took Natael to stop giggling, but he was down in the courtyard within the next half hour (or so).

Taim stood rigidly in front of Elayne's horse, hands behind his back, not a hair out of place. Logain was trying to get the attention of the Captain-General of the Guard. It made sense, considering that she was a woman. A pretty one, too, with long, braided golden hair. She was doing her best to ignore him, all the while keeping an eye on everyone else. She seemed to take her job very seriously and the bow strapped to her back was more than a mere adornment, Natael guessed.

Before he could take the dozen steps that separated him from the visiting group, Elayne and her retinue headed for the gates. Taim stared after them a moment longer, to make sure that everyone got out, then he turned in his direction, his mouth quirking in a half-smile. "The future queen sends her regards."

Natael joined them at a leisurely pace. "She didn't even notice that I wasn't there, did she?"

"Nope," Logain concurred. "Your name was never mentioned."

That was more than a little insulting, but he was used to it. "Well, how did it go?"

"Without a hitch," Taim replied. "She asked a lot of questions, insisted on talking to several men, women and children, and visited some of the barracks. She wanted to make sure that we observed the basic rules of hygiene."

"She seemed surprised that we do," Logain put in.

"Well, we're men," Natael noted. "Women always expect us to be unwashed pigs, especially when left to our own devices."

"She obviously doesn't know you, then," Logain said. "How many times a day do you bathe?"

"Only once." Taim smirked knowingly. "Sometimes twice," Natael mumbled.

Logain grinned. "That's more like it. Anyway, she was 'satisfied' with what she saw. I'm going to let the Aes Sedai know that she's gone. Meeting in Nate's study after supper?" Taim nodded, and Logain departed before Natael could agree to host the meeting.

"So…that went well," he said when Taim and he were alone.

"No thanks to you." The words were meant to be harsh, but there was no heart in it. Sometimes Natael wondered if Taim said these things merely out of habit.

"I had to make myself presentable. Thanks to you, my hair was a mess." Taim pretended to be fascinated by a thawing patch of snow. "And I couldn't decide what to wear." That was the case every day, but even more so when royalty was visiting. He'd settled on a simple grey shirt, his emerald vest, and his new snow fox fur coat. It was freezing outside. He could make himself ignore the cold, but it was easier to do that when he wasn't, in fact, cold.

Taim was wearing one of his black coats, as usual, with dragons embroidered at the sleeves. It was a light coat, designed for warmer weather, but he liked to show off his ability to ward off the cold, especially in front of female channelers. "What now?" he said in a low voice.

What an odd question. Taim always had something to do, and he certainly never asked Natael what it could be. "Well, I don't know. Don't you have a class? I think I'm supposed to teach a group of-"

"I meant with us. What happens now? What do we do?"

Natael hesitated. He felt ambushed – did they have to discuss this here, now? What was there to discuss, anyway? They'd slept together. If Taim felt like it, they could do it again. If he didn't – well, they wouldn't. It wasn't that complicated. He tried for a humorous answer. "Um…do it in your room instead of mine? At least Logain won't panic when he can't find you."

"Is everything a joke to you?" Taim demanded.

Mm. Wrong answer. "No, I just-"

"I haven't been sleeping in weeks because of what you said at Dumai's Wells. Weeks, Nate. I couldn't decide if you were serious, or if it was yet another attempt to destabilise me. Not to mention everything you've said since then. Yesterday, you scolded me for not being truthful, and now you jest about it?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't know what you want me to say!" he retorted. "I thought it was fairly…straightforward. We sleep together whenever you feel like it – if you ask me, it can be every night – but if you're uncomfortable about it, might as well end it now, before…"

Before what? Before it becomes too serious? Before I actually fall for you?

Taim moved closer to him. "It's too late for that," he said quietly. "For that…'before', no matter how you meant to finish your sentence. I wouldn't have stayed last night if I wasn't over the 'before' part already, Nate. I thought you… Peace." He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I knew it was a bad idea. I bloody knew it!"

A few people, mostly recruits, were walking by at such a slow pace that they looked like sleepwalkers. Natael sent them running with a scowl.

"Let's talk about this later," he murmured. "But it's not what you think," he added, hoping to reassure Taim somewhat. "It's not an Atal-like fling. I swear."

He was serious about this. He wasn't entirely certain how he felt about Taim, exactly, but he did care for him. And he wanted this to last. At least as long as they were both alive.

But he was afraid. This, he wouldn't admit to Taim, because it was too long a story to tell. He'd been hurt before – badly enough that it had eventually led to him turning to the Shadow.

When he was a lad, and even as a relatively young channeler, his life was but a long series of flings and short-lived affairs. He dated mostly women, some young enough to be called girls, the kind who was impressionable enough to think of him as a famous artist, even though back in the day he was merely a struggling one. He seduced them with songs, which he claimed he'd written just for them. He never loved any of them – he usually forgot their names before morning.

Then he'd met Elan.

Elan, who had turned his world upside down.

Elan, who had destroyed him. He'd ruined his career, his life, everything in under five minutes.

Elan, who had betrayed him, as he had betrayed everyone else.

But he couldn't tell Taim about that, could he? What would he think of him? He'd never agree to share his bed again after hearing that.

"Fine. After debriefing with Logain, we'll talk," Taim said. His face was a mask. Natael could only hope that he would give him the benefit of the doubt and hear him out. He hadn't meant to sound callous. It was too late to make amends, though. Taim was walking away.

"I can't do this," Toveine announced the moment Natael stepped into his study.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded. "You were supposed to stay in your room!"

"While Elayne was visiting," Toveine underlined. Bloody Aes Sedai! They were taught from early on to lie without lying and to find loopholes in everything. "Logain came by to say she had departed."

"Well, from now on, you are not allowed in my study or in my room without my permission."

She ignored that. "You must release me from this bond."

Natael scoffed. "Yeah, right." He sat down in his chair and closed his eyes. All he wanted to do was think about what to say to Taim this evening. How to make up for-

"I beg you."

His eyes sprung open and he gaped at Toveine. She was begging him? He didn't know how to respond to this.

"Please, Natael. Ghraem," she insisted, even using his proper title. Her voice was flat, but her eyes shone with unshed tears. Blood and ashes! "Transfer it. To anyone." There was a pause. "Anyone but you and…him."

She'd called Logain a pig the previous day, so he assumed that him was Logain. "Logain already has a bondmate, anyway," Natael said. "And there's nobody else-"

He should have investigated the bond instead of basing his assumptions on Toveine's words. "I'll take Logain over that…creature any day. I'll take him regardless of the scandalous things he does to Gabrelle. Please. I can't endure this even one more night. I never thought you'd actually…" She trailed off.

Him was Taim. Of course. That was why the bond blazed with hatred, why her face was twisted with revulsion. She thought Logain was a pig, and she was mildly disgusted by him, but only mentions of Taim brought on this sort of reaction. He had never fully understood why…until now.

"It's wrong. It's unnatural. It makes me sick. Please, I beg you, you have to release me. Bond me to the lowliest man you have, I don't care. But this is… This is…" She was silent for a moment, possibly looking for a word stronger than wrong and unnatural. Natael was too stunned to provide one. "It's torture worthy of the Forsaken, Natael. You can't do this to me. I'm an Aes Sedai, for peace's sake!"

Whoa. For once in his life, he was speechless. Truly and utterly speechless. How could anyone be so hateful of something that was absolutely none of their business? Except one of the Chosen, that was. Was Toveine Black Ajah? Then again, maybe it was just a Red Ajah thing. They had strange opinions about men.

"Are you even listening to me?" she demanded, hands on her hips. Natael could only stare at her. She sniffed. "Very well." She stomped toward the window and opened it. "If you do not release me, I…" She made a gagging sound. "I will…"

She couldn't finish her sentence because of the oath she had taken when she became an Aes Sedai. He could feel that she was bluffing through the bond, too, but just to be safe he ordered her not to jump. "You will not harm yourself in any way." Toveine screamed in frustration. "Shut up!" She did, however reluctantly. "Close the window." She did that, too. She didn't have a choice. He could read the murder in her eyes.

This was a situation that he had not anticipated. How could he have? What was he supposed to do now? Tell Taim?

No. If Taim knew that Toveine was threatening to commit suicide because of what they'd done, he would never so much as talk to Natael again. Natael would not lose a night's sleep if Toveine somehow managed to kill herself despite his orders, but Taim was another matter entirely.

"You will never discuss what just happened with M'Hael," he said softly. "Is that clear?" Toveine gave him the tiniest nod in response. Her fists were balled tightly at her sides. "Now return to your room and stay there until further notice. I need to think."

What he needed was a drink, but he had to keep a clear head. Seizing saidin, he opened a gateway.

It was Gabrelle who opened the door. She was fully dressed, but her hair was somewhat untidy. "Ghraem." She always greeted him politely, unlike…well, everyone else.

"Gabrelle Sedai, I must speak with Logain. In private, if you will." Logain could have simply ordered her to leave, but Natael believed in asking nicely – at least to begin with. Gabrelle had a good head on her shoulders. She may be manipulating Logain by sleeping with him, but as long as Logain was aware of it, it should pose no problem. Natael suspected that he enjoyed being manipulated in this fashion.

She nodded. "I will be in your palace when you're done, Ghraem. I'll stay with my Brown sisters." She knew that she couldn't wander the grounds without an escort. Logain had perhaps forbidden her to do it, or he trusted her not to. Either way, she was out of the room.

Natael stepped inside and found Logain seated at his desk. "Something wrong?" he asked without looking up from his papers.

"Yes. Quite wrong," Natael said without preamble.

Logain stood up and sat on the desk, a frown marring his handsome face. "What? Does Elayne know about the Aes Sedai?"

Natael shook his head. Logain had not offered him a seat, but he rarely remembered to do that. He sat down on the unmade bed. "Toveine is the problem."

Logain offered him a sympathetic smile. "I'm sorry you got stuck with her, Nate. I really am. She seems like a handful. I would palm her off on someone else, but I don't trust anyone to handle her. She's-"

"We have to find someone else. I can't be bonded to her, Logain, she's…" He considered his next words with care. "…suicidal. She threatened to kill herself if I didn't release her."

Logain raised an eyebrow, but there was no alarm in his expression. "I assume you commanded her…not to do that?"

"Obviously," he replied with some annoyance. He wasn't stupid. "But this is a temporary solution. Surely you understand that. If she feels that strongly about me-"

"You could suggest that she masks the bond."

Mask the bond? "We can do that? How?" No one had mentioned this before.

"Mm, you'll have to ask Gabrelle. She's the one who came up with it. She masks it when she wants to be alone with her thoughts. It's not…completely effective, but it helps."

Natael doubted that it would satisfy Toveine. "I'll have Gabrelle explain it to her. But…we still need to find someone else to take the bond."

"Why does she hate you so much?" Logain enquired. He sounded genuinely curious. "You haven't done anything to her, have you?" A trace of suspicion. It seeped into his voice, on occasion; whenever he remembered who Natael truly was.

"Of course not, don't be ridiculous," he snapped. "It's just…" His brain waved for attention. Ah, finally, an idea. "She figured out who I am. And…well, you can't expect her to be fine with it. It would perturb anyone."

"Yeah, that's a problem, alright. Guess Taim will have to take over the bond."

"No!" Natael exclaimed. Logain eyed him with some concern. "I mean…you know what Taim did. In Saldaea. And he killed some Red sisters when he escaped. She hates him, too."

If Logain noticed that he wasn't as eloquent as usual, he didn't remark upon it. "Nate, there's no one else. I told you, it was dangerous enough to raise so many men all at once to bond the Aes Sedai. We can't risk it."

Natael hesitated. "Can't you do it?"

"I already have one!" he protested.

"It's not like bonding Gabrelle has been a burden to you," Natael pointed out. He gestured at the bed, which had obviously been more than merely slept in.

Logain opened his mouth to retort, then closed it. He stood and paced the room, muttering under his breath. Natael only caught a few choice curses.

"Fine," he growled after he'd passed Natael about a dozen times. "I'll bond her. But as soon as we raise a new Asha'man, he takes over for me. And he'll take Toveine, not Gabrelle."

"Of course."

Logain stopped in his tracks to glare at him. "Why did you come here to ask me to do this? Couldn't it wait until our meeting tonight?" He crossed his arms over his chest. "Is there something you're not telling me, Nate? Is there a reason why Taim should not be part of the decision process regarding this matter?"

Natael sometimes forgot that Logain was, in fact, quite intelligent. Or observant, at least. Either way, he was caught. He felt an abnormal amount of shame for lying to Logain. It was quite uncharacteristic of him. "Toveine doesn't want to be bonded to me because of my…relationship with Taim," he admitted.

"But if she masks it…"

"I don't think it'll help. It's not the fact that she can…feel things through the bond that bothers her, or not just that. She actually said she'd rather be bonded to you, despite…Gabrelle. I think it goes deeper than that. She can't…stand the thought of… She said it made her sick. That it was…unnatural and wrong."

Logain was silent for a moment. "So she doesn't know who you are, then?"

Natael shook his head. "Certainly not." He would have felt more than revulsion through the bond, if she did. There would be fear, at the very least.

"Tell you what," Logain said. "We'll give that explanation to Taim, because it's a plausible one. He doesn't have to know the truth. He's obviously not…comfortable with the whole thing."

"He'll come around," Natael murmured. "But thank you for doing this. It's quite the noble sacrifice."

"Eh, it's what I do." He let out an exaggerate sigh, but Natael noticed that he was smiling.

"How could she possibly know who you are?" Taim demanded. The false explanation may be plausible, but it wasn't enough to convince him.

"Well…she mentioned my accent before."

Taim shook his head. "That's not enough to suspect someone of being one of the Forsaken."

Logain came to his rescue – again. "She must have overheard some of the Asha'man talking about him. We've told them to be discreet, but perhaps they accidentally called him by his alias within her earshot. Either that, or she was eavesdropping and they didn't notice her. Natael has been too soft on her. The lass needs disciplining, and I'm willing to provide." He grinned.

Natael could tell that Taim was still not quite convinced, but he decided not to argue further, possibly because, in the end, it was more convenient this way. "Very well. But are you certain that you can handle both of them?" he asked Logain. "I'd do it myself, but it seems that she's no fonder of me than she is of Nate."

Logain waved his concerns away. "I'll be fine. Until we find someone else," he hastened to add.

Taim nodded. "Call her in, then. Might as well transfer the bond now. We wouldn't want to torture her any longer than strictly necessary."

Natael stood to go, but Logain raised a hand. "Don't trouble yourself." He banged against the wall behind him, which was common with Toveine's room.

A minute later, she knocked on the door. Logain seized saidin and opened it. "Get in." Taim glanced at him, frowning, likely surprised by the coldness in Logain's voice.

Toveine didn't move. She was a picture of modern Aes Sedai calm and arrogance. Logain's face turned red and he stood, perhaps to dislodge her with physical force, but Natael held him back. "Toveine, get inside. Now."

She marched forward, but her expression didn't change. The bond, however, told a different story. She was terrified. She probably thought that they were going to kill her, and she was intent on not showing just how scared she was. She wanted to die with dignity.

Natael wished he could let her believe that she was going to die for a moment longer, because she deserved it, but Taim spoke up. "Logain will take up your bond." Thankfully, he didn't say why. After all, Toveine had no idea who Natael really was. Logain and he had considered telling her, to turn the lie into an almost-truth, but they'd eventually decided against it. With luck, she'd never find out.

She grimaced, the disdain plain on her face, but the bond was flooded with waves of relief. "It'll have to do, I suppose."

Logain exhaled slowly. Natael imagined that he was already regretting agreeing to this. "Light help me."

"Proceed, then," Taim said.

"I think not," someone else contradicted him. Demandred stepped out of the shadows like a flaming Myrddraal.

Logain almost fell off his chair. "Blood and ashes, man! How long have you been here?"

Demandred raised an eyebrow.

"He means, um, you should have warned us of your visit. We would have had a few refreshments ready," Natael stammered. Darkness within! It was one thing to pay them a surprise visit, but how often did he conceal his presence to spy on them like this? And none of them had noticed!

Ugh, and Toveine was here. What was he thinking?

"The woman will remain bonded to Nessosin. That is an order."

To her credit, Toveine didn't react outwardly, except for a slight tension in her shoulders, but it was clear through the bond that she'd connected the name with another one: Asmodean. She was terrified again. She was a smart woman; if she knew who Natael was, she must have guessed that the newcomer was someone even worse, to dare give him orders.

"Why?" Logain demanded.

Oh, the impetuosity of the young. This was strike two; another outburst, and Logain would receive some form of punishment, to deter him from speaking his mind in front of the Chosen.

"Because I said so," Demandred said, very softly. "Do no question me again." A moment later, he had disappeared through a gateway.

The silence in the room was suffocating.

"I knew it," Toveine whispered. "The Black Tower is a nest of Dreadlords and Darkfriends. With a name like that, what else did we expect?" She seemed to be talking to herself.

Logain rolled his eyes. "Don't be so bloody dramatic, woman. It's called the Black Tower because you have the White. Don't read too much into the name."

"Don't be so dramatic?" she repeated, her voice more high-pitched than usual. "You're all Forsaken!"

"Um, well, technically, they're Dreadlords," Natael said. "And I'm-"

"You can't fool me, Asmodean. I know exactly who and what you are!"

"I don't know why you're so upset," Taim said slowly. "I thought you already-"

Oh, Light have mercy. "Of course, she knew that already, prior to Demandred's visit." Toveine's eyes widened at the name, despite the fact that she must have guessed who he was – or at least narrowed it down to a few For…Chosen.

Forchosen. Sounds about right.

Thankfully, Toveine was too shocked to incriminate him further. "She's just distraught because she didn't know the extent of our connection to the Shadow. Perhaps we should clear the air…" He glanced at Logain for support.

"Er…yeah. Might as well. Considering what she already knows, it's actually safer to tell her everything. Right, Taim?"

Oh, they certainly weren't fooling him. "Do what you will," he said, standing up. "I'm going to bed. Alone," he muttered as he passed Natael on the way out.