DECEMBER 13 SATURDAY
It was six in the morning. McGonagall listened tiredly.
"She took our disco ball!" said James.
"It was only eight o'clock!" said Sirius.
"Her reading glasses were planted on me!"
"She said you can't do anything, that you have no power, that you've put on weight, that she's had it with your cats in her flower beds, your cats messing up her yule decorations, your cats eating her goldfish, she says that tartan is not slimming, there is no such thing as clan slippers, that you look like Dumbledore in some angles-"
"ALRIGHT!" said McGonagall, barely able to keep her eyes open. "I'll take care of it, just five more hours!"
"Yes professor McGonagall thank you so much!"
"Have you lost weight?"
"Has anybody ever told you that you look like Nana Mouskouri?"
"She'd look better if she had one perfect white streak in her hair."
"I just love a woman in curlers."
"What do your cats like better, chicken or liver?"
"JUST," said McGonagall. "bring me a continental brunch at eleven."
"Alright you got it!"
McGonagall shut the door to her chamber. James and Sirius were also going back to bed.
"We'll get Shishi the kappa to get her that continental brunch," Sirius yawned.
"But did Moony bring Shishi? I thought he was turning a new leaf."
"If the pope was turning a new leaf, would he not bring Christ?"
x
The yule disco was on! Lights flashed and blinked above, below and all around. People shimmied, danced and roller skated under the disco ball. The band, Messier's Comet, was killing it.
That's the way, uhuh uhuh, I like it, uhuh uhuh...
The music stopped when Deb Crool arrived. Everyone stared and drooled.
Deb Crool, triggering gasp tsunamis two years in a row. Tonight she was wearing a dress made of After Eight wrappers.
Then Hilda the Hippo and Heidi Horseface arrived and everything went back to normal.
Sirius crossed them both off his list. He and James were stuck with the tedious task of judging because they had forgotten to appoint a jury.
"Why were they even on the list?"
"Well... You never know?" said James.
That was true, and sort of the point of the Hogwart's Next Top Model.
"Nice of you to put up this act," said Cas, herself wearing a short dress made of pink clown noses (and it worked surprisingly well.) "To keep up appearances."
"It's not an act," said Sirius.
"I thought I was going to win."
"You won last year. You can't win twice in a row."
"Why not? Who is prettier than me do you think?"
"That's not what it's about. It's about the wow-factor."
The music stopped again when Isis Webb made her entrance, another Slytherin.
"The gasp-meter is malfunctioning!" said James because the gasp-meter was over-heating and emitting sparks.
"So, do you not want me to win this time?" Cas asked Sirius.
"It has to be someone unexpected dunnit!" said Sirius. "Everyone's expecting you to win now!"
"Really?" Cas thought about something funny, and laughed. "Winning last year was pretty great. Coming in here... Everyone just went: wooow! Dance with me! No me! Toady was just about to receive that crown, and then, yoinc! They gave it to me! Right at the last minute! Oh if only you had been there. You should have seen her face!"
The music stopped. James dropped the gasp-meter because it was giving his hands blisters. Just who was it this time?
It was like turning the magic eggtimer back a year. Toady looked just like she had then, after the make-over. Perhaps she always looked this way when she removed her glasses. She wore a horribly kitsch ball gown.
The anonymous masses got over her quickly because her dress was so lame.
"Good evening," said Toady.
"Did you not get the memo?" Cas asked. "Or have you just developed a taste for LOSING!" She made the loser sign. Toady smiled, but her eyes glared.
"I'm surprised you even turned up," said James.
"Oh, I wouldn't miss this for the world," said Toady and continued through the ballroom. Cas finished her punch.
"Come on, Mac. We have to wee."
"I don't have to wee," said Mac.
"Yes you do!"
And so they left, to either wee, or talk, or fix their hair and make up, or all those things, or just some of those things.
"So shall we just pick Toady then?" Sirius asked.
"What are you crazy?" said James. "She wanted to ruin our disco!"
"Well maybe winning will melt her cold heart."
"If you just have a tradition of dumping your girlfriends at the yule dance I hope you won't do it for Toady! She's not worth it!"
"Honestly Prongs, do you even care who wins?"
"No not really."
"Then let's pick Toady and give the school paper a field day. It is Christmas, after all."
"Oh alright."
They made their decision and put away the list and meter, eager to get down with the groove with everyone else.
Doctor's orders say there's only one thing for me...
"They're playing Doctor's Orders!" said Sirius. "Where's Cas!"
"She had to wee, didn't she?" James bobbed his head to the song. "Not sure Beau is at the top of his game tonight. Not keeping with the rhythm at all."
"Yeah it sounds like he's had way too much coffee," Sirius agred.
"Well," said Remus, and began to move away. "I think I will..."
"Find a dance partner?"
"Sure."
"I can see that Mona Weed is free."
"Ok."
"You should tell her you do a mean funky chicken."
"But I don't do a mean funky chicken."
"Then why did you tell me that?"
"You have got to stop dreaming about me. Anyway I think I left my homework on fire, or something..."
"Oh I see. Are you meeting someone in secret?" Wink and wiggle-brows.
"Yes that is exactly what I'm doing."
"Ok don't let us hold you back then good luck!"
Remus ran off.
"Beau Marceau's lousy drumming is driving me crazy!" said Sirius. "Why didn't we just get a DJ?"
"I don't think it's Beau Marceau," said James.
"Then, pray tell, what do you think it is?"
James threw himself on the floor.
"I can hear it ever so clearly!"
"What's below there again?"
"The elf servant quarters."
"Then we shall check out the elf servant quarters."
As the arrangers of the yule disco, James and Sirius had free access to the retreating chamber. In there, a door in the floor led directly to the elf servant quarters. They walked along the little doors and came to the squib dungeons, which had a commonroom for squibs, their classroom as well as torture facilities and a muggle library.
Nobody ever went to the muggle library.
Remus came out of the muggle library covered in snow, and had to fight a snow storm to be able to shut the door.
"Hey what's up? By the way, I found it."
He took a yellow cooking timer from his dufflecoat. A sticky-note was attached to it. James ripped it off.
" 'Cancel the party or the bomb goes off.' Signed: DID."
"Never!" cried Sirius and ripped the sticky-note to pieces.
That bomb was still going off, 'though. In fifty minutes, according to the timer. The timer was however not the bomb. The chaps knew, just instinctively, that the disco ball was the bomb.
It was brilliant. If they took it down, they'd be admitting defeat. If they left it, they'd be defeated.
There had to be another way.
"I guess we'll just have to move!" said Sirius. "We'll move everybody except for the DID. They can stay with the bomb!"
But of course, they had to find out who the DID were.
X
A soul train was going on up in the ballroom. Two lines were clapping and one person at a time danced down the middle.
Rora was now singing and playing the bass, because Fletcher wanted to participate in the soul train.
It was his turn. He strutted down the middle, showing how to NOT do the funky chicken and returned to the line.
"Who are the DID, do you know?" James asked him, positioning himself next to Fletcher..
"It's a secret, innit?"
"Are you part of them or something?"
"That would also be a secret now wunnit?"
"But why?"
"They asked. In a mysterious letter. I felt special."
"So join our club, then!"
"What club is that?"
"The M Club!"
"What does M stand for?"
"Ah, ah, ah! That's only for the initiated to know."
"Is it an all boys club, like all real clubs?"
"Are most messier clusters open?"
"Well I could join your club, if you don't mind me being in two clubs."
"That is the very thing we DO mind!"
"Well then I will just have to stay with the DID. They asked me first, or they would have if they had."
James and Sirius knew, that not even forcing him to take a bath would make him give away the members of the DID.
"I guess we will just have to perform another bainvasion," said Sirius.
"We could hypnotise him, that is safer," said Remus.
"I guess but not as visually satisfying."
"It can be, if we plug his brain to a crystal screen."
"How do you know about plugging brains to crystal screens?"
"Look I know a lot."
"You know a lot about ass wangs, not about plugging brains to crystal screens, unless the crystal screen is something that has no anus."
"Well... A crystal screen doesn't have an anus."
"That would explain why you know this, then. You read about it in ThingsThat Have No Anus."
"Dumbledore told me about it."
"Dumbledore told you about Things That Have No Anus?"
"I wanna dance down the soul train," said James. "And then we can go and look into plugging Fletcher's anus into a crystal screen."
"Fletcher doesn't have an anus, Prongs, keep up."
"I think they're called hemorrhoids, not anus prongs," said Fletcher. "And no, I do not have them."
They took turns down the soul train and after that they asked Fletcher if he wanted to go outside and have a smoke with them.
He asked for a light and then he was hypnotised. They found the plugs and crystal screen in the mad science classroom. The boys pulled up chairs and watched:
Fletcher was in the greenhouse misting a block of mycelium when Rora stopped by, in a hypnotic state judging from her hypnoeyes and vacant manner.
"Hello Mundungus. How would you like to join the DID, please?"
"Ok!" said Fletcher.
"Great. Your horoscope said you would."
"Oh really? Can you guess my sign?"
Rora replied mechanically: "Sun sign: Taurus. Moon sign: Virgo. Rising sign: Capricorn."
"Which one dictates who I should marry?"
"Be at the hide-and-seekeasy tonight at 8."
The screen blacked out. James had to bang it for it to return.
Fletcher was in the green house repotting a cactus. After that he had dinner. Then he was outside having a cup of tea. Then he was repotting another cactus. Then he picked his nose.
The chaps began to nod off watching this but they woke up in time to catch him walk to the hide-and-seek-easy, or the cave.
The usual hufflepuffs were sitting around in the cave, being cold and drinking Libre Cubas. Vacantly, with hypnoeyes Toady arose.
"I call this meeting open. Hello, everyone. So glad you all wanted to join my club, Disco Is Dead."
"Hello," replied the other hufflepuffs.
"There is a disco on Saturday and that just can't be allowed. I hate disco and I want it dead. I want it so dead I am prepared to wear Led Zeppelin T-shirts to prove it! I want to hear you all say it! Disco Is Dead! Disco Is Dead!"
"Disco is dead. Disco is dead."
"I bet you wonder why I feel this way. It is because I have been taking classical ballroom lessons all year! Not lessons in doing the funky chicken and hip bumping! Simply unacceptable. How can his be allowed? So, do you all swear me your utmost loyalty?"
"We swear you our utmost loyalty.
"Excellent."
Toady proceeded to take them through her grand scheme. The chaps didn't hang around for it. They already knew that the disco ball was the bomb.
Outside the ballroom, they were rying to come up with a way to get everybody out, and then the DID back inside.
"One sec!" said Sirius and disappeared.
He returned more than one sec later with something moving around under his coat. He poked his head in the door and yelled at the top of his lungs:
"HEADLICE BREAKOUT!"
Panic was instant. People were trampled trying to get out.
When the ballroom was entirely empty, Sirius ran inside for one sec, and came out again. Pointing at the ballroom, he yelled at the top of his lungs:
"BADGER!"
Every single hufflepuff ran back inside the ballroom. The James and Sirius closed the doors and...
"Yeah they can just get out again," said James.
"You know how there are herbs that can unlock things?" said Sirius. "If only there was a herb that locked things!"
"If it had no anus I bet Moony would know of it."
"If you rub hedgehog grass three times on a lock it will lock it," said Remus and gave Peter a piece of hedgehog grass.
Peter rubbed the hedgehog grass one time on the lock, then it crumbled. Remus had another piece of hedgehog grass, which he he rubbed three times on the lock, except the proper way. Then it crumbled.
"Excellent let's get out of here," said Sirius.
"I just have this paranoid fear that they can easily get out with a basic unlocking charm."
"I don't. Let's not act like basic unlocking charms are in mainstream use."
"Hm."
Then Remus covered the entire door with a LOT of bubblegum. The hufflepuffs were pushing at the door on the other side, but the bubblegum would not yield.
"You know I've even lost count by now."
"How how many times you've cheated?" Sirius asked.
"It's not cheating!"
"It's cheating. Bubblegum lilos... It's cheating!"
"It's not cheating!"
"It is cheating, it would be cheating if I just went: Poof! Jelly lilo!"
And poof, a blackcurrant jelly-lilo appeared.
"Well what's wrong with that?" Remus asked.
"Like... If I have to exlpain it I'm not even sure you have the capacity to understand."
"Shame we had to trap all the Hufflepuffs," James thought. "They're not all in the DID."
"Well..," said Sirius. "That's life. Now where do we go?"
"Poof. Dust lilo. What even is the point of it?"
"I don't know but that is so cheating."
"I know."
"Poof! Cheese lilo!" said Peter.
Nothing happened.
"A place, then..," said Remus.
"Tell you why it is cheating!" said Sirius, now that he had it. "You can't go around saying that bubblegum is useful and the go, poof, bubblegum lilo and act like that's useful. A bubblegum lilo isn't equal to bubblegum, bubblegum lilo does not prove that bubblegum is useful, there. Bubblegum in the ears, fine, but bubblegum-lilo in the ears? Can't fit a bubblegum-lilo in your ears. Doesn't count. Isn't bubblegum."
"You have a problem with shapes. Got it."
"I do. It'd be like if I said that cigarettes were useful, and then made a toilet in the shape of a cigarette and said, look at my cigarette toilet, aren't cigarettes useful?"
"You could arrange cigarettes to bare the shape of a toilet, and then it would be useful, although it would really be a cigarette chair in the form of a toilet, and not really function as a toilet. For that you'd need something like, I don't know, some kind of flexible volcano spell?"
"My thoughts exactly."
"It would have to be dormant. Volcanoes come in many shapes and sizes and grades of activity."
"Interesting stuff but next time you want to practice chatting someone up, give me a warning first."
It felt like, they were getting sidetracked.
"It'd be so good for cooking..," Remus mumbled, lost in volcano thoughts.
"I'm going to interrupt your favourite pastime, guys, by which I mean, flirting," said James. "But that place, then. Shame you can't just go: poof, bubblegum place."
"I could fashion us all a bouncy castle but I guess it would be cheating!"
x
So the disco was moved to a bouncy castle where carpets on the floor and walls prevented people from sticking. It was cold, incredibly crowded and it wasn't really possible to dance but everyone still had a good time. A record player kept flopping around.
It was almost midnight, and time to announce the winner. James switched on the microphone.
Weeeooonnng.
"Icicles, bicycles, testing. Hey everyone, can I have your attention please? It is time to announce the new Hogwart's Next Top Model."
Sirius passed him the monthly membership letter form Cannibals Anonymous.
"I have the results here," said James. "This year's Hogwart's Next Top Model is Cas! Cas please come up here to receive your crown!"
Cas shrieked and came tumbling over.
"I won again! I won two years in a row!" Tears streamed down her eyes. "Take that, Ebola Crool!"
She accepted the crown, and placed it on her head.
"So many I want to thank, where to even start..."
Mac came pushing through the crowd unsteadily.
"Cas no! You have to take it off! Don't you remember?"
"Oh no!"
Cas tore the crown off her head and threw it across the bouncy castle.
"My hair! Lice in my hair! Noooo! I wasn't supposed to wiiiiiinnn!"
Somewhere in the back, Ebola Crool shrieked with laughter.
The others didn't yet realise that Cas and Mac had planted headlice on the crown and they tossed it amongst each other for a game.
"Why is that ruby blinking?" James asked.
Because a plastic ruby was blinking fast on the crown.
Of course it all made sense now.
The crown was the bomb. The elf-hat wizards had wanted to blow up the second hand.
Panic erupted as everybody tumbled over one another to get out.
Then the crown went bang.