"Really, Claude? First you try to snatch up Byleth, then you go for the poor father? Have you no shame?"

Excuse the what?

"Uh, actually, she-"

"I do, in fact, because I plan on helping this poor, poor man. Mentally. Can you believe he thought he would have to PAY for asylum at the monastery? Hell, I even have reason to believ. that, where he came from, you would need to pay to speak!"

"Thankfully, that is not the c-"

"Claude, the monastery isn't exactly a subject you should joke about."

"I wasn't joking, though! If I didn't know better, I would wager he-"

"AHEM. First of all, Eve is NOT my child-"

"Are you siblings th-"

"NO. If you would have let me finished, Eve is of no relation to me. I simply found her in another forest, passed out from seemingly having to run for nights on little more than military rations. Second of all, yes, I DID expect to have to pay some kind of tithe or something, be it in gold or time, if I had wished to stay at Garreg Mach. And lastly, I apologize if I got your name wrong, I appreciate your offer, but I must politely decline the invitation. I prefer to live in a home where I am capable of living in any manner I desire, where I set the rules. Staying at the prestigious Garreg Mach monastery feels like it would have far too many strings attached to it. As such, I must bid you good d-"

"Did they just say they would try to get us lodging at THE Garreg Mach Monastery?! And you DENIED him!? Please, sirs, ma'am, I apologize profusely for my friend here, he is overly paranoid, moderately greedy, and quite possibly a bit insane. We would be HONORED to join them, and graciously accept this offering, RIGHT Sir Whittington?"

I can feel the dagger at my neck parting my neck flesh.

"Well, if she's willing to deal with the fallout, and leave me totally scot-free punishment wise in the event shit goes south, I see no reason why not."

"Perfect~! In that case, please lead the way."

As the lordlings dispersed, presumably to try and ensnare Byleth into filling the missing teacher sl- wait, no, they already did th-

"Listen here, you cloak-and-daggerless piece of shit, getting into Garreg Mach was my DREAM. You WILL NOT ruin this for more, lest you learn who inspired the adage "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". You hear?"

"Okay, crystal clear, no interference, please do not hurt the coat goblin."

"Good. keep it that way, and I won't."

If looks could kill that woman's gaze would be classified as a husband-beater.

"Now then, let's go attend Fodlan's greatest educational facility."

"Yaaaaaaay, schoooooool... Again..."

Ow my knee. Fuck.

"Let's just hope they don't try to force me into being a teacher."

~a reasonable while afterwards, inside a carriage, nearing the monastery~

Oh, dear. The one place I never wanted to step foot in. Welp, "no plan survives contact with the enemy" and all that, no? And yet, here we are. At least Evelyn is excited. I swear, if she vibrates any faster, this damned carriage is gonna burn up.

I could hear the lordly trinity and the fell star chatting (which it's own is weird) about the monastery, normal stUFF and why is my knee trying to commit molecular deconstruction?! W- oh. Oh, yeah. SEIROS is watching us. And knowing my single-digit luck, she probably KNOWS I am part winged crocodile. Wait, does that make me a floridan? Quandaries for when I can't sleep.

"Well... at least we won't get any student debt, eh?"

"...student what?"

"*sigh*... In order to seek higher education in my land, you need to pay the equivalent of around, say, 10,000 gold pieces for the average institution."

Huh. Neat. Never knew you could do a spit-take without drinking.

"You wHAT!?"

"Well, considering that one of the types of education could seek involves the manipulation of the human mind..."

"...Why do you still manage to surprise me."

"I am the worlds most fabulous anomaly~"

Oh my. Is that- is that Him? The most glorious entity to have graced the Fire Emblem franchise?

Is that-

"Greetings, students! Nothing to report! Although, judging your company, it would seem you do!"

BENEVOLENT HIGH LORD GATEKEEPER!?

I am unworthy of your presence.

I must bring offerings unto you in the form of the freshest & best meats.

"Uh... are you okay?"

"Mentally or physically?"

"That tells me all I need to know."

~yet another while later, with our "hero" pondering his fate~

"Wow~! This place is as amazing as I thought!"

"Calm down, Eve. Seriously. We aren't even officially residents yet."

"...Your right. Please keep yourself from performing your usual brand of madness until we get accepted."

"Considering how you threatened me, I have no choice."

At that moment, I felt pressure greater than that of the mariana trench on my back.

"You would be mister Whittington, yes?"

Ah. It is Seteth.

I wish it was just the mariana trench.

Bullshitting mode, activate!

"Why yes, I would be! *ahem*, is there anything you, er, need me for, sir?"

"No, but the Archbishop would like to see you. If you would follow me, I will lead you to the

audience chamber."

"Thank you, sir!..."

Murphy, I know we may have had our spats in the past, but I will be willing to give you my virginity if you can get me out of this mess.