A.N - Apologies for not updating last week, but please remember to review!
Disclaimer – I do not own anything you recognise. The Avengers and the characters therein, belong to Marvel.
Chapter Twenty-Six
"…reports that Captain Steve Rogers and Doctor Nadia Paolera have announced their engagement after two years of dating. The couple have not announced a wedding date, but it is shaping up to be the wedding of the century. These two beloved members of the Avengers have long been seen as the power couple of America. The proposal was made at a party held at the new Avengers facility a week ago and one of the attendees managed to get a video of the happy moment."
Bucky watched the wobbly video play. He watched as Steve spoke to the woman in the video, watched as he got down on one knee. He watched as she accepted, a thrilled smile on her face. He watched as Steve kissed her more passionately than was probably appropriate to be on television, but Bucky couldn't help the small smile that twitched at his lips.
His memories had come back in bits and pieces in the beginning, and then more and more frequently. The memories from before HYDRA came first as they were before the experiments, the cryofreezing and torture. He remembered Steve, sickly and pale, and then later, big and strong. He remembered growing up with him, going to school together and breaking up the fights that Steve always managed to get into. He remembered the missions they went on together during the war, working as a team and talking about what they were going to do once the war was over and they got back home. Usually it was the food they would eat, places they would go, women they would maybe one day marry.
And now that was happening. Steve was getting married and Bucky wasn't there. He was supposed to be there, standing up with Steve at the altar as best man. He was supposed to make a toast and organise a bachelor party that would make Steve blush. He wanted to be, but he knew that it was still too dangerous. HYDRA was still out there in the shadows, and he didn't know who had access to his trigger words. He knew instinctively that Steve would welcome him back, work to help him get rid of his words and protect him. But the risk was too great.
Bucky's gaze returned to the TV, which had moved on to talk about the woman that Steve was going to marry. Nadia Paolera. She was undoubtedly beautiful, with her dark hair, grey eyes and rosebud mouth. From what Bucky had learned while on the run, she was smart, determined and strong – exactly Steve's type. Her powers astounded him greatly. She was practically a goddess in human skin, capable of wonderous things. Bucky could tell that she made Steve happy. He had known that man his entire life, knew every expression and tell he had. While others could clearly see the joy in his face as he looked at his fiancée, Bucky could see the love in his eyes, the obvious adoration and wonder there too.
Watching his friend sent a pang of jealousy through Bucky. It was an unfamiliar feeling and it unsettled him. It's not that he was interested in Nadia – it was that he had her. Steve had fallen in love, was going to get married. He had forged a new family and had a future that was full of possibilities. Bucky did not and that is what made him jealous. He was happy for his brother in all but blood, but he also envied him.
It made him wonder if one day, he would be able to move past all that the Winter Solider encompassed. He wasn't even sure if he was capable of loving someone anymore. He had certainly had dates and dalliances with girls before, but they were never serious. Now all he yearned for was someone to look at him the way Nadia looked at Steve, with trust and love instead of fear and judgement.
It was a nice dream.
X
Nadia started awake, tears in her eyes and gasping for breath. For a split second she was unsure of where she was, and in the darkened room it was hard to make out. After a few agonising heartbeats, she realised she was in her shared room with Steve at the compound, the lights turned way down and only a little bit of moonlight peeking from the curtains.
Sighing, Nadia slumped forwards, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes until black spots danced behind her eyelids, her engagement ring heavy and still unfamiliar on her hand. A shiver ran through her body and she clutched the duvet to her naked chest. Beside her, Steve stirred in his sleep, rolling onto his side and reaching his arm out, searching for her warmth. She stared at him for a moment, taking in his face as he slept. He looked so peaceful and calm, which was a blessing after the events in Sokovia. His nightmares had returned with full force, much to their frustration. He used to suffer them every night, but when she had started sleeping beside him, they had reduced. As their relationship developed and Steve became comfortable enough to talk about his dreams they had nearly disappeared altogether. But now every other night he tossed and turned, battling demons in his sleep.
Tonight however, it seemed that it was Nadia's turn. So much had happened in the last two months that it made sense for her to feel overwhelmed. There had been Josef's revelation about their parents, which Nadia still hadn't shared with anyone. Following that had been Ultron and the devastation of Sokovia. Now, Thor had departed, Clint had retired and Bruce had disappeared. Not to mention that now that she and Steve had announced their engagement, every time one of them left the compound they were borderline harassed by reporters, asking for details on their upcoming nuptials. She was stressed and worried, which was undoubtedly the reason behind her nightmare.
"Doll? Wha's wron?" Steve mumbled, half asleep still.
Nadia turned to glance at him, his eyes hooded with sleep as he looked up at her. Taking a deep breath, she lay back down beside him, stroking his cheek gently as she snuggled into his warmth.
"Nothing, sweetheart," she whispered in the darkness. "Go back to sleep."
His eyes had closed again as she caressed his face gently, his arm winding around her bare waist. "You're upset."
"It was just a dream," she reassured. It was late and he had training early the next morning with the team – she didn't want to keep him up.
He exhaled slowly and opened his eyes, meeting her gaze in the darkness. "Tell me."
Nadia looked down at his lips and considered a moment. She knew that he wouldn't go back to sleep until she had unburdened herself, but to explain her dream, she would have to tell him the entire story.
"Before Ultron…you remember that Josef wanted to meet with me? He had some information about our parents," she began, looking away from his eyes and instead focussing on his chin.
"I remember. You were nervous," he said, voice gentle and concerned. She had told him how anxious learning things about her birth parents made her, how she would hope that there was a good explanation for why she and her brother were abandoned, how she would hope they were still alive. Nadia had cried on Steve's shoulder more often than she cared to admit over her disappointed hopes.
"Yes," she agreed. "Josef said that he found some information amongst the files we recovered from our HYDRA raiding parties. It was about our mother. HYDRA had been collecting people like her – enhanced people – to do experiments on them and see if they could replicate the results. They wanted to make more soldiers for HYDRA, but they weren't having any luck. Then, one scientist came up with an idea. The children of these enhanced individuals could possess equally powerful gifts."
"Don't tell me…" Steve whispered, horrified. Nadia couldn't bring herself to say the words, but the meaning was very clear. "Oh my god."
"Yes. My mother became pregnant. In fact she was the only woman in the group who did. She had Josef and they began to run tests on him too. Lo and behold, he had powers. They started training him, hoping to raise a perfect soldier for HYDRA and when he was five, they decided to send him to Russia to undergo training…under the Winter Soldier."
Steve winced and Nadia looked at him then. He raised himself up on one elbow and ran a hand through his hair, distressed. "Jesus, doll."
"I know. My mother found out they planned to send her child away while she was pregnant with me. So she did the only thing she could think of – she ran. She escaped HYDRA with Josef and me. She managed to stay hidden for as long as she could, but eventually she had to give birth. She found someone to help her, and she sent Josef to safety with me, making him promise to watch over me."
Steve said nothing, but his eyes were anxious as he looked at her.
"Eventually HYDRA caught up to her. They were going to torture her to find out where we were…and she would probably be subjected to years of experiments and assaults, so she…she killed herself."
Her cheeks were wet, and with a start Nadia realised she was crying. Steve gently wiped her tears away, cradling her face as he studied her expression.
"I know I should have told you earlier, but so much has happened lately, it slipped my mind and then I had this dream…" Nadia shook her head, unwilling to look at him.
"Hey, hey. You don't have to apologise. I'm glad you told me, sweetheart." Steve pulled her close, holding her against his chest with his chin tucked atop her head. She could hear the steady beating of his heart and she relished in the comfort of his bare skin against hers. "What was your dream about?"
"We never escaped," her words were barely a whisper. "Josef and I were with HYDRA all this time – fighting for them, killing for them. We were their perfect soldiers, cold and unfeeling and I…My mother begged me to stop and I didn't care. Bucky was there and they were torturing him and I…I did nothing."
Steve's arms tightened around her as she let out a small sob, rubbing soothing circles into her back. She flinched at the images of Bucky's tormented blue eyes flashing in her mind, and her mothers voice, begging and pleading with her to make the pain go away.
"It wasn't real," Steve mumbled, distressed by both what she had told him and what she had dreamed. "Your mother loved you so much that she died for you. Josef kept his promise and watched over you as best he could. He has kept you safe and the both of you have fought to take down HYDRA. You aren't the monster they hoped you would be, doll. Your mother made sure of it."
"She had such a terrible life, Steve. The things that happened to her…she became pregnant with Josef and I because our biological father raped her. She should have hated us but she didn't."
"Instead she saved you," Steve said, drawing back to look down at her. She was still crying softly. "Your mother and you share similar qualities. You're both brave and loving and strong. You are both willing to risk everything for your family. I think she'd be proud of you, and everything you've done."
Nadia sniffled. "Maybe."
"Where is that man? Your…biological father?"
"Dead." It was stated as a fact. "Josef told me."
Steve nodded once, his hand still rubbing soothing circles on Nadia's back. "Good."
"I burned the file he gave me," she admitted. "I didn't want anyone finding out, especially the press. They'd have a field day."
"That's fair."
"There was a picture of her." Nadia remembered suddenly, and she turned over, leaning to the bedside table and turning on the light there, bathing the bedroom in a warm glow. She opened the bottom drawer and rummaged for a moment before pulling out a grainy photo and handing it to Steve.
He propped himself up on one elbow as he studied the picture in the dim light, his keen eyesight and artists gaze noting every feature that Nadia shared with her mother, and even the resemblance Josef shared with her. Steve was glad to note that they didn't look like their biological father, whoever he was.
"She's beautiful," he said eventually. It was a true statement, because even though the woman in the picture was pale and thin, with barely concealed bruises, she was undoubtedly pretty.
"Her name was Paolera," Nadia said, looking at the picture in Steve's hand. "Mariana Paolera. She was only thirty when she died."
"You've been carrying this with you?" Steve asked, referring to the information. "All this time?"
Nadia ran a hand through her knotted hair, wincing when her fingers snagged on the tangles. "I didn't really have much time to process it. Josef told me right before we got the call about that HYDRA base in Sokovia. We got the sceptre back, Clint was hurt and then we were planning our trip to Paris. I was going to tell you then, when we were alone…but then Ultron happened. And with all the chaos that resulted in it, my family drama didn't seem all that important. But…since we've gotten engaged I started thinking about the ceremony and who we would invite. It got me thinking how aside from Josef, neither you nor I have any blood relations left. We have a family in the team, I know, but…I couldn't help but wonder what my mother was like and what my life might have been like if she'd been able to raise me. I wondered what she'd think of you, and Nat and Tony and Sam. I guess it just got me thinking."
Steve took her hand and kissed the back of it, making her smile slightly. "I'm glad you told me."
"It's not exactly a great topic to discuss at two in the morning," Nadia reminded him, glancing at the clock on the wall.
"I don't care what time it is. How many times have I woken you up when I've had a nightmare?" Steve countered and she conceded his point. He would often wake her up with his thrashing and moaning, sometimes screaming in his sleep. It had terrified Nadia at first to see him so tormented, but they had both learned to deal with his night terrors. "We're getting married doll. I want you to wake me up when you've had a bad dream and want to talk about it. I want you to share all your concerns and fears with me. We're a team."
Nadia felt her lips tug in a small smile and leaned forward, kissing him softly. She brushed his hair back from his forehead, amused at the blonde locks that stood up in every direction from sleep. "I love you. So much."
"And I love you." Steve replied, kissing her again, just as tenderly as before. Nadia felt some of the tension in her body leave her. "Turn off the light and come back to bed."
Nadia did so, feeling every part of his nude body press into hers, closing her eyes in contentment when his arms wound around her, and he kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes and was soon lulled to sleep by the sound of Steve's heart beating.
X
Natasha sat stunned, green eyes wide as she stared at her friend. Nadia had just related the origins of her family and Natasha's chest constricted with empathy. The two of them were sitting outside on a picnic blanket, the hot summer sunshine beating down on them as they watched Steve and Sam direct drills for the SHIELD agents that would go out into the field. There was a large folder of notes and receipts sitting on the blanket next to them. They had spent a good deal of time discussing wedding plans before their conversation took a different turn.
It almost seemed ironic, that the weather was so beautiful, and they were discussing a topic so bleak. Nadia had seemed tense, especially when she informed Natasha that there was something she needed to say. But this…was not what Natasha had expected.
"Does Steve know?" was the first thing out of the redhead's mouth. Nadia sighed and leaned back on her hands, squinting off into the distance.
"Yes. I told him a few nights ago." Nadia replied, turning to look at her. "I didn't want the whole world knowing, so I burned the file Josef gave me. But I wanted to tell you."
Natasha nodded her understanding. As far as histories went, Nadia and Natasha had a similar upbringing, in that it was completely devoid of love and affection. They had been raised by adults that didn't care if they lived or died, adults who had both feared and admired them. Natasha frowned minutely – she couldn't imagine her sweet, caring, compassionate friend being forced to bend to the will of HYDRA.
"How do you feel about it?" Natasha wondered. Nadia wrinkled her nose.
"I'm…relieved mostly," she replied candidly. "For so long, I was left to speculate as to who my parents were, why they abandoned my brother and I, and even the reason why Josef and I have abilities. Now I have those answers. They weren't necessarily the ones I wanted, but the truth isn't always sunshine and daisies."
'Are you happy Josef told you?'
"Absolutely. I mean…it's hard. Knowing that I wasn't born to parents who loved each other, that my father was a monster and my mother his victim. It's hard that I will never know her. But at least I know. I can process it, accept it all and maybe one day, it will just be another piece of my past."
Natasha nodded in understanding. She knew all to well what it was like to wonder where you came from. To dream and wish and hope and have it all come to nothing. She was happy that Nadia had her answers now, even if they were dark and painful.
"After everything with SHIELD, when I was away, I ended up back in Russia. I thought I would try to find my parents. It took me a few days but eventually I did. Two little graves by a chain link fence is all that was left of them," Natasha said, trying to keep her emotions in check. "I pulled some weeds and left some flowers."
Nadia's grey eyes – so expressive and lovely – filled with understanding. Natasha clicked her tongue and shuffled closer, leaning her head on Nadia's shoulder. She wasn't usually physically affectionate, but with Nadia it was so easy. She had a presence that immediately put you at ease. Her charm and general sweetness had softened Natasha's cold exterior. They sat like that for a few beats, the silence between them companionable.
"This team is my family now," Nadia declared softly. "I never thought I'd have what I do, and I'm so grateful for you all, every day."
Natasha's throat felt tight. "Me too."
"You're like a sister to me, you know."
"I do." Do not cry, do not cry…
"Be my maid of honour?" Nadia asked hopefully. Natasha chuckled and lifted her head from where it rested on Nadia's shoulder.
"I thought you'd never ask."
Nadia's grin was contagious, and the two friends remained on their picnic blanket until they were both sunburnt from sitting outside too long, talking and laughing as only best friends could.