Chapter 11

We sat at the creek for quite a while, talking about everything from bunny rabbits to favorite books and toys. Basically… we talked about all things Mia related. Jack didn't mind, of course, the wonderful, caring, affectionate man he was. He actually looked like he was enjoying talking to her, like he was enchanted by her. Mia was enchanting, at least I thought so. I could be biased, but I was sure Mia was charming Jack as much as Jack was charming Mia.

As we walked back from the lake, Jack and I were both counting down the minutes to Mia's bedtime, so that we could be alone. Mia was skipping around once again, quite a distance ahead of us. "I can't believe it!" She squealed. "I can't believe I saw a real life bunny!"

I chuckled as I watched her. I turned to Jack, who was smiling at her as well. "We're never going to hear the end of this," I said quietly, my eyes still on Mia. I knew if I looked at him, I'd become dizzy all over again. "She'll ask every day to return to the creek to see the bunnies."

"I don't mind," he smiled. He reached over and took my hand. "I know I've said it before, Rose, but it's really nice having people here. And having you here… well, I couldn't wish for anything better. I'm just so glad you're alive and here." He smiled and took my hand.

I held his hand for a moment, feeling his calloused, textured skin against mine. My hand fit perfectly in his, and for the first time since Titanic, I felt like I was where I was meant to be. Suddenly, I heard some footsteps that weren't coming from any of us. "Jack, did you hear that?" I looked at him, just as Mia ran back towards me and held onto my leg, her nervous habit. I heard their voice as they became closer and closer. "Oh my god."

"Shh," Jack put his finger to his lips. "Take Mia, go behind that tree. I'll take care of this." I nodded, relieved that he could take charge of a moment when I couldn't. I grabbed Mia and ran behind the tree. We crouched down, and just as Mia was about to say something, I covered her mouth with my hand. I held her close to me as I listened to what was going on on the other side of the tree. "Oh, hello, Sarah," he kept his voice nonchalant. "What a surprise to see you out here."

"I figured it was a nice day to take a walk," a female voice said, presumably Sarah. "Listen, have you heard from anyone named Rose Dawson?" My heart sank. Obviously this 'Sarah' was the woman I had run into in the inn. "She asked for a room at the inn. She thought you were dead, and I told her where you were. I hope that's alright."

"Yes, that's fine," Jack said back. "Listen, Sarah, I need a huge favor." I knew he was going to ask her to keep this to herself. "Rose is a distant relative of mine… she needs to stay here for a while, without anyone knowing she's here. Please, please, don't tell anyone about this. I'm begging you." I could hear the desperation in his voice, and it broke my heart. I didn't hear what happened next, but I heard Jack chuckle in relief. "Thank you, Sarah."

A moment later, Jack appeared behind the tree. I released Mia, letting her stand up and walk around again. My heart pounded as Jack took my hand and helped me back onto my feet. "What happened?" I asked nervously. I stared back into his eyes, feeling as dizzy as ever. I knew the answer, but I still asked him for an explanation anyway. I wouldn't be able to believe it unless he told me. "What if she tells someone? What if he finds us?"

It was at this moment that all the emotions I'd been suppressing, all the fear and anxiety caught up with me. I started to cry, hyperventilate, and grow dizzier, this time not in a good way. "Hey, hey," Jack wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, alright?" I cried into Jack's shoulder for what must have been ten minutes. Mia was gripping my leg still, looking up at me nervously. "Everything's alright, Mia. Mommy just got scared. She's okay."

I pulled away from Jack then, looking down at Mia. "Yes, Jack's right. Everything's alright." I lifted her into my arms, hugging her against my chest. "Everything will be okay." I looked at him, not for a second believing what I was telling her. I didn't know that everything would be alright. I didn't know that Cal wouldn't find us and drag us back to Pittsburgh.

•••

We walked back to the house, and, to my relief, Mia went to sleep right after eating dinner. I took her upstairs, put her in her little nightgown, brushed her curls, and tucked her in for the night. I could tell, judging by how tired she was, that she was asleep for the night. There would be no unexpected visits from her tonight.

I left her room, feeling the butterflies in my stomach increasing by the hundreds. I took a deep breath and went downstairs to find the house empty. I looked in the living room, kitchen, dining room, no Jack. The butterflies in my stomach had left, and replacing them was pure anxiety and worry. Where had he gone?

I stepped out the front door, and there he was, standing on the porch. He had a cigarette between his fingers, periodically putting it between his teeth and taking a drag. "I see you still have this nasty habit," I used a fake judgmental voice (really, I was just channeling my mother's voice). I smiled and walked over to him, standing with my back against the porch railing, so we were somewhat face to face.

He laughed, watching me as I walked over to him. "You sounded like your mother," he sighed, memories washing over him. Once again, he seemed sad. More than just sad. I didn't know exactly how to describe it. He was different, different in a way I didn't particularly like seeing in him. "Mia's asleep?"

I nodded. "Can I?" I asked, motioning to the cigarette. He held it out to me, and I took it from him, taking a long drag. I felt the anxiety leave my body with the smoke. I handed him the cigarette, leaning against the fence on the porch. "It's been a while since I had one of those. It feels good."

"Let me guess," Jack took another drag, looking far off into the darkness. His mind was far away, I could tell. He suddenly turned to face me, and I suddenly felt nervous again. "Titanic?"

I took a deep breath, remembering when I had smoked on the ship. It was at our first lunch on the ship. I did it mainly to calm my nerves, but it also served as a way to cause my mother distress. I left, then, and went to the deck, where I saw Jack for the very first time. I also remembered smoking at the steerage party. As memorable as those two events were, Titanic wasn't the last time I had a cigarette. "Well… not exactly," I looked away from him, down at the wooden planks of the porch. "After Titanic… I… I was alone for quite a while, and I smoked a lot. It was the only thing I could think of doing to conjure up something that would remind me of you."

I still hadn't looked up at him, and he wasn't looking at me either. It was often too much for us to look at each other. Our senses would be overwhelmed by the presence of the other, so we often left it to only one sense. We both were looking in different directions, just listening to each other's quiet voices. Jack broke this rule, then, reaching over and touching my hand. I broke it then, too, as I turned to look into his eyes once again, allowing the dizziness to wash over me.

Jack adjusted his position, leaning closer to me. My heart started pounding in response. I maintained eye contact with him, feeling myself grow dizzy from looking into his blue eyes. He placed his hand on my cheek and leaned closer, touching his lips to mine. Although I welcomed the kiss and didn't pull away, something didn't feel right. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but I just knew that something wasn't right. I hated myself for feeling this way, and I was disappointed that after wanting this kiss all day, I didn't want it anymore. Suddenly, without realizing what I was doing, I pulled away. "Jack-"

I looked up at him as he moved away. He didn't look hurt or deflated in any way, but he looked worried. He stared at me, I suppose trying to read me. "You're afraid," he said quietly, still staring intently at me.

I looked up at him, surprised. I didn't think I was afraid, what would I be afraid of? I knew who Jack was and how wonderful he was. I wasn't worried about him hurting me or doing anything to me, or at least I didn't think I was. "What would I be afraid of?" I asked.

Jack sighed. "Cal was kind in the beginning too. He treated you well, he was kind to you, and then… he changed," he explained, and what he was saying slowly started to make sense. "You're worried about letting someone else in who could do what he did."

I felt tears building up in my eyes, and finally one spilled over. "I-I don't know why," I said quietly. "I know you wouldn't do that. I know that." I felt angry that Cal had made such an effect on me, that he had damaged and scarred me in such a way.

"Hey," he smiled at me, wiping the tear from my cheek. "It's alright, Rose. I understand. You've been through a lot, and I don't want to do anything to make you uncomfortable." He was so wonderful it made me angry that Cal had somehow ruined him from me. "I'm sorry if I did anything to make you uncomfortable."

"No, don't you apologize," I took his hand, squeezing it gently. "I want you so badly, but Jack… I'm damaged." Tears quickly gathered in my eyes. "I'm scarred in a way I don't know if I can ever recover from. And… when I dragged you into my life, I didn't understand then that it wasn't fair to do that. I can't do it again now, Jack. Especially now that I'm married to Cal."

"Drag me into your life?" Jack looked at me, shocked and hurt. "I was involved from the moment you looked at me from the deck, from the moment you took my hand and your foot slipped, from the moment you came and found me the next day. I wanted to save you. You didn't drag me into anything. You jump, I jump, remember?"

I looked down at that moment. "'You jump, I jump' was a silly thought from two stupid kids who didn't have any idea how the world worked, and didn't know how dangerous the world could be." I regretted saying that as soon as I said it. It was a terrible thing to say, attacking the foundation of our relationship. But somehow, it was the way I felt.

"Wow," Jack looked back into the darkness. He paused for a moment, gripping the fence tightly. I had no idea what he would say, if he would be angry or upset, if he would kick us out of his house. No, he wouldn't do that, I convinced myself. I was letting fear and paranoia cloud my thoughts once again, cloud my understanding of who Jack was. He finally looked back at me. "He did quite a number on you. I mean… God, I don't even know what to say." He looked away for another moment, then turned back to me. "I hate the fact that he did this to you. I hate the fact that he broke you, that he did all of this to you. I wish I could go kill him!"

I grabbed his arm, the upper part, gripping it gently. "Jack," I pulled him closer, holding him in a tight hug. "I'm out of there now. I'm with you. I'm safe." I wrapped my arms around him, let him hold me and feel like he was protecting me, which of course he was. "I'm alright."

Jack pulled away, shaking his head vigorously. "You're different. You're… I don't know. You seem… sad, upset, scared. Almost all the time." He looked at me, taking my hand. "I hate seeing that in you, Rose. I hate it."

"You're different too," I said quietly. "You also seem sad, depressed, as if the man you were before is covered by layers of tragedy and heartache." I looked at him and shrugged. "Maybe it doesn't have to do with Cal. We've both been broken more times than we can count. Maybe it's just everything we've been through."

Jack shrugged. "Maybe."