"Batman, it's Christmas Eve, can't we just go home?" asked Robin. "Even criminals like to spend Christmas with their families."
"That's exactly what I'm afraid of," retorted Batman, scanning the city with his binoculars through the light snow that was falling. "A certain criminal family might decide that Christmas Eve is just the time to pull a festive, deadly prank on this city."
"Batman, I really think you should let this go," retorted Robin. "You know this isn't really about the Joker family – it's about you being angry that I'm friends with them."
"My justifiable anger that you're hanging out with the children of murderers has nothing to do with this," retorted Batman. "The fact remains that they're criminals, and criminals like to spread trouble at times of peace and goodwill. That's just what they do, because they can't find any serenity or happiness in their own lives, so they have to project their misery out onto others."
"Talk about projection," muttered Robin, rolling his eyes.
"There, I told you!" exclaimed Batman, handing him the binoculars and pointing. "Take a look at Gotham Square!"
Robin obeyed. There was a small crowd gathered around the front of the Christmas tree, and zooming in, Robin could see that a long table was set up in front of it, on which was placed huge pots full of soup. And ladeling soup from these pots into bowls, and distributing them to the people waiting, were Ivy, Two-Face, Rose, and J.J.
At the end of the table was a chair, where a familiar figure in a Santa suit and fake beard sat delivering presents to the people surrounding him. Arleen was dressed as an elf, who helped usher children over to Santa, or rather, the Joker's lap.
Harley stood next to them, dressed in a Santa dress, and ringing a bell beside a pot with a sign that read Rogues Repentance Drive - please donate to help the less fortunate, and help yourself to free soup and a meeting with Santa! No tricks, we promise! Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Whatever you celebrate!
"It's obviously some sick Christmas prank – giving out poisoned soup to people, and exploding presents," said Batman. "Nothing says they're up to something like claiming it's not a trick. And what easier way to rob people than to ask them to donate money to a worthy cause, and then just keep it for yourself? That's just the kind of selfish, evil joke the Joker would find funny. I'm really surprised the people of Gotham would be dumb enough to fall for it, after all he's put them through."
"Yeah, it does seem like a stupid plan, since if the soup was poisoned, people would be dropping like flies now," said Robin. "And the Joker's not stupid, whatever else you want to call him."
"Maybe it's slow acting," retorted Batman. "Come on. We're putting a stop to this right now."
"Ok, but again, it's not actually illegal to help the poor…" began Robin, following him down the building.
"It is if they don't have a permit!" snapped Batman, striding over to the Christmas tree. The crowd parted for him until he stood face-to-face with Joker, who beamed at him.
"Well, come on up here and tell Santy Claus what you want for Christmas, little boy!" he chuckled, patting his knee. "Let me guess – a new Robin! You'll probably need one sooner rather than later, the way you go through them…"
"You're stopping this sick joke now," interrupted Batman, firmly.
"Wow, giving out free presents and free food, and collecting money for the poor is a sick joke," sighed Joker. "Guess we know where you stand on social issues, Ebenezer Bat…"
"Don't play dumb with me!" snapped Batman, seizing him by the beard and pulling him forward. "I know you're not seriously doing any of that! What's the gag here?" he demanded, picking up a present and shaking it. "It's a bomb that's going to go off later, and the countdown starts by shaking it, is that it?"
"Well, you'd better hope not, or we're all dead," retorted Joker. "And no, it's not that. Exploding presents would be so predictable, and you of all people know I hate being predictable. And trust me, this is something you haven't seen coming, and it's gonna blow your tiny Bat-mind," he added with a smile.
"Please, Batman, let me explain," said Rose, stepping forward. "I only just found out that my parents and their associates are criminals – I assumed you attacked us the other night without probable cause. But I see now that you were trying to do the right thing, and stop a crime which you assumed was taking place. But in our case, there was no crime being committed – your suspicion of my parents led you to believe that anyone associated with them had to be a criminal too. You were mistaken, but they were mistaken too, and so we're trying to do a penance, to give back to the community at least some small part of what they've taken from it over the years. Christmas is, after all, a time for charity, and I want everyone to be charitable at this time of year, including my parents, and including yourself. I think if we all just try to get along, we can, at least temporarily at Christmas. You're welcome to join us if you'd like to help give back too – you can choose to give out soup or collect money, but I'm afraid Uncle Joker won't be very willing to give up his Santa role to you – he was very enthusiastic about claiming it."
"I'm just a happy, jolly, generous soul, like old St. Nick, what can I say?" chuckled Joker.
"Still, if you'd rather help give out presents, you could maybe take over elf duty from Arleen. Or maybe your Robin can," continued Rose.
"Oh yeah, all the funny outfit people can flock together," agreed Arleen. "Although this outfit is nowhere near as embarrassing as both of yours," she added.
Joker kept giggling at the look on Batman's face, which was complete astonishment, mixed with deep suspicion and mistrust.
"You think I'm stupid?" he demanded. "Your parents maybe I can buy doing this for you, but you expect me to believe that the Joker is spending his Christmas sincerely helping the less fortunate?"
"Well, you know him better than almost anyone," said Rose. "Don't you think that's quite a joke?"
"She's right, Batman," agreed Robin. "I think we should just leave them to it, and walk away, before we humiliate ourselves again. Don't you?"
Batman said nothing, clenching his hands into fists. He knew this was some ploy of the Joker's – he just sat there grinning at him, and the urge to punch him in the face was almost irresistible. But he was also aware of Rose's effect on everyone – after all, her parents had refrained from crime completely the last time she was alive. Difficult as it was to believe in Joker's case, maybe she truly had influenced all of them for the better. Maybe that was the joke. Anyway, he didn't particularly want to make another scene in front of her, gentle soul that she was, and he didn't want to attack anyone without probable cause in front of this crowd of people. He was also acutely aware of Damian standing next to him, and most of all, he didn't want to disappoint his son again.
"I trust you have a permit?" Batman muttered at last.
"Right here," said Two-Face, reaching into his pocket and handing him a piece of paper. "The mayor's an old friend, as you know, so he signed off on this pretty quick."
"Well, that all…seems to be in order," agreed Batman, reluctantly. "Have a good evening, and Merry Christmas," he hissed, forcing a nod at Joker. "And thank you for your generosity. God knows the city of Gotham is grateful for you giving rather than taking, for once."
"Looks like you were wrong about Bats, puddin,'" commented Harley, as Batman turned away and began to walk off. "He can admit when he's wrong."
"Or can he?" chuckled Joker, standing up. "Time for phase two, I think – here, sonny boy, you take over the Santa gig," he said, handing the beard to J.J. "I'll take over soup duty."
Joker whistled, ladeling out a bowl of soup and then casually reaching for the pepper. With sleight of hand, he shook the pepper into the soup, and then handed it to the waiting patron. "Merry Christmas, friend!" he said, beaming at him.
The man took the bowl, and took a sip of the soup. He instantly began doubling over and coughing. "I knew it!" exclaimed Batman, racing back over at the commotion. "I knew you poisoned it!"
"No, Batman, he's ok…" began Rose, who was kneeling beside the man with a glass of water.
"Get away from him!" snapped Batman, shoving her back.
"Hey! You don't shove a woman unless you're interested in her!" snapped J.J., starting forward, but he was shoved out of the way by Ivy, who raced forward to attack Batman.
"Don't you dare touch her!" she shrieked, raising her arm to aim her crossbow. Batman shot his grappling hook at her, which collided with her skull, knocking her to the ground, and unconscious.
"Mother!" exclaimed Rose, horrified.
"That's it, you're dead!" snapped Two-Face, ripping out two guns and firing them at Batman. People began screaming and fleeing the scene while Joker cackled madly.
"Let's get ready to party!" he giggled, withdrawing his own guns from his Santa suit and firing them at Batman. "Stray slugs ring, are you listening? On the street, blood is glistening - a beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, wounding in a Winter Wonderland!" Joker sang.
"Robin, get the children to safety!" shouted Batman, dodging the bullets.
Robin tried to obey, grabbing Arleen's hand. "Hey, hands to yourself, pal!" snapped Arleen, ripping her hand away and shoving him back. Robin looked around to see that J.J. was standing protectively in front of Rose, and he knew his response would be the same as his sister's.
"I really think you should let me get you out of harm's way…" he began.
"I'm safer here than with a Robin, thanks," interrupted Arleen, hurrying over to help her father attack Batman, which her mother was already doing.
"Can't even leave us alone at Christmas, you miserable Bat Grinch!" Harley was shrieking, trying to beat Batman over the head with the money-filled cauldron. Batman seized it while she brought it down, and then spun around, letting go of it so that Harley flew through the air, landing on Joker and spilling money everywhere. Batman shot out two Batarangs, disarming Two-Face and wounding both of his hands in the process.
"Father!" shrieked Rose, rushing over to see to him.
"That's it, Bat – our turn!" snapped J.J., striding toward him with Arleen at his side.
"I don't want to fight you kids," growled Batman.
"Too bad," retorted Arleen. "You asked for it when you killed my baby, and knocking around my relatives just adds to the insult. So let's dance," she added, pulling out a knife and flipping it in her hand.
Batman looked helplessly at his son – he knew if he raised a hand against them, Damian would probably never speak to him again. But he didn't see that he had a choice.
Arleen lunged forward with her knife, and Batman dodged out of the way, grabbing her arm and bending it back.
"No, Batman, don't…" cried Robin, racing forward, but J.J. beat him there.
"Hands off my sister, creep!" shouted J.J., who had grabbed one of the pots of soup. He threw the contents at Batman, who pulled his cape in front of him, shielding himself from the scalding liquid.
Arleen suddenly shoved Batman forward, and he slipped on the soup, hitting the ground with a hiss.
"Atta girl, Leenie!" exclaimed Joker, as he and Harley struggled to their feet. "Now shout a hilarious punchline at him!"
"Uh…like what?" asked Arleen.
"I dunno – something like 'I'm sorry, waiter, but there's a Bat in my soup!'" chuckled Joker.
"What about 'The soup of the day is Gaz-bat-cho'?" suggested Arleen.
"Yeah, that's…not bad," said Joker, slowly. "Puns are ok for a kid, I guess," he sighed. "But I sure hope you grow outta 'em."
Arleen picked up the knife as Batman tried to get up, but slipped on the soup again. "Leenie, don't!" cried Robin, grabbing her arm as she attempted to stab Batman.
"Only my friends and family call me Leenie!" snapped Arleen, rounding on him furiously. "And you ain't one of those!"
Robin didn't have time to respond even if he knew how to – Batman suddenly grappled upward, swinging around a lamp post and coming back around to knock Arleen against the post, trapping her in the rope that he wrapped around her.
"I said hands off my sister, creep!" repeated J.J., slamming the empty soup pot onto Batman's skull. "Guess they'll arrest me for assault and 'Bat'tery, huh, Dad?" he asked, turning to grin at his father.
"Yeah, good one, kiddo!" shouted Joker. "But we are definitely having a talk about puns when we get home," he muttered under his breath.
Batman's fist suddenly slammed into J.J.'s chest, knocking the breath from his body, and knocking him to the ground. "J.J.!" shrieked Arleen, struggling against the rope.
"Nobody hurts my baby and lives!" screamed Harley, racing toward Batman with her hammer raised.
Suddenly, there was a loud cracking sound behind them. "What the…" began Batman, turning around to face the Christmas tree, which appeared to be swaying in the wind…only there wasn't any wind.
Everyone stared at the tree in astonishment and horror as it suddenly bent its trunk forward, shuddering against the lights and decorations and sending them smashing to the ground.
"Look out!" shouted Batman, as he tried to avoid the broken glass. He sliced through the rope binding Arleen and wrenched her out of the way of the falling star on top of the tree, which shattered into a million pieces, crushing the lamp post.
One of the falling light strings caught Robin around the leg, and he fell to the ground. The tree branch it was attached to drew inward, pulling Robin toward it, and Batman raced over to grab his hand and try to pull him free.
"I don't understand…Ivy's not conscious…" he began, looking at her prone form. But then he noticed Rose standing in front of the tree, her hands raised and her eyes glassy, as she appeared to control it.
Batman had no idea she had inherited her mother's power to manipulate plants, but it made sense – she was more plant than Ivy was. Rose turned calmly to face him, and said in a clear but firm voice, "This ends now, Batman. You need to stop hurting my family and go, before I get angry. I don't think you want to see me angry, do you?" she murmured, raising her hand again. The giant tree shuddered, wrenching Robin back toward it. It teetered at Rose's command, and any moment she could have commanded it to crush him.
"I'll…go," Batman stammered, holding up his hands. "Just…don't hurt him. Let him go…please."
"I don't want to hurt anyone," murmured Rose, her eyes sad. "But Mother was right. You can't live in the world for very long without experiencing pain. But I will not be the cause of more of it."
The tree released Robin, who scrambled to his feet, racing back toward Batman. "Go now," murmured Rose. "I was hoping I could help you - that we could make peace at Christmas, and extend charity and generosity toward each other. But I was wrong. There can be no peace with you. You will never see my family as anything more than criminals. I am very sad, for your sake. You are missing out on some wonderful relationships with some wonderful people."
"I keep trying to tell him that!" chuckled Joker.
"You cannot trust," murmured Rose, still staring at Batman. "And you cannot forgive. And you may live an exemplary life, a life everyone should admire and emulate, the life of a hero. But you will always be alone. Because if you cannot forgive the mistakes of others, you will have to be alone. My parents raised me to be a good person, and I have tried to do my best, and when they told me the truth about themselves, I forgave them instantly. Because I love them, and I would rather have flawed people in my life than have a perfect life alone. If you cannot do the same, if you cannot forgive those around you who make mistakes, you will always be alone. I hope you learn that lesson this Christmas, and choose to extend some compassion, even just for a little while. I think you will be a lot happier for it."
"I'm not interested in being happy," retorted Batman. "Or in trusting people who constantly lie for a joke. I don't know why you and Harley are both so naïve as to believe that the Joker can ever be sincere. Because he can't – everything he ever does is some sick joke that causes pain and suffering to innocent people. And I don't doubt that anyone who gets close to him will suffer the same fate. Or anyone who gets close to his family," he added, looking pointedly at Robin. "If that makes me a monster, so be it. But Joker's the monster here."
"The word monster is thrown around a lot these days," commented Joker. "But Rose is right. Monsters always end up alone. And I'm far from alone. So who's the monster now?" he asked, smiling.
Batman said nothing. "Come on, Robin, let's go," he muttered. "There are other crimes to stop on Christmas Eve, I'm sure."
Robin looked sadly back at his friends – Arleen helped J.J. to his feet, as he clutched his chest. She noticed him staring and glared at him, and Robin turned away.
He had seen angels when he looked at her, and heard a choir singing with a halo of light around her head. But he knew that even if he was in love with her, theirs was an impossible love.
"Baby, are you ok?" gasped Harley, who was fussing over J.J., covering him with kisses.
"I'm fine, Mom," he said. "He doesn't punch very hard. But thanks for saving me, Rose," he added, beaming at her. "You were wonderful."
"Oh, brother," sighed Arleen. "He's back to being the lovesick puppy."
"I didn't want to see you hurt," murmured Rose, smiling at J.J.
"Of course you didn't," he agreed. "You wouldn't be able to live without me."
Rose took his hand. "Why don't you stop saying silly things like that, and just kiss me?" she murmured.
J.J. beamed. "Dad was right," he whispered. "Works every time."
As their lips met in a sweet kiss, Arleen made a face, turning away and staring after where Batman and Robin had disappeared into the night. She recalled Batman saving her, pulling her free of the rope and into his strong arms, which shielded her from harm…she had never seen him as anything other than a nuisance at best before. But as he disappeared into the darkness, she could have sworn she heard a choir of angels singing after him, as a halo of light shone round his head.