I'm not sure how this chapter will be received, so I'll just say this: Remember everything I put in here is to set up jokes in the future.
Afterwards you can tell me if I at least made this chapter enjoyable

Harry sat numbly as he listened to Dumbledore explain how Sirius Black had actually been innocent all along. Of course that part wasn't news to Harry, but the rest-

Scabbers was Peter Pettigrew all along?

Lily had framed Sirius to hide some terrible secret?

Sirius Black was an Animagus?

Was he that black dog that Harry had taken into the castle?

'This is better than the telenovelas that Miss Jacobs watched back at the orphanage', said Voldemort, sounding rather amused.

"I don't understand. What secret could have made her frame another person to a life in prison, just so they would never tell anybody?", asked Harry, though he had to raise his voice slightly since James was still crying loudly, no matter how much Remus tried to sooth him.

Dumbledore looked sadly at Harry, "It is with great sadness that I must tell you Harry that James here isn't your real father."

'Can't say I'm too surprised by that.'

"But instead it's Voldemort himself."

'What?!'

"What?!", Harry exclaimed.

'I take it back, this is worse than the telenovela! Change the channel! Change it!'

Spot howled and Harry wasn't sure if he would be able to hold him back, but then suddenly Jimmy was hugging Harry and sobbing his eyes out and Harry had to do all he could to clamp down on his desire to tear apart the whole place.

"I'm sorry kids, but I caught her doing DNA testing on you both when you were barely born and confronted her until she spilled her story. She made me promise to never tell anybody, but I was still looking for a way to tell James and I guess she must've known and used this whole misunderstanding as a way to ensure my silence", said Black, looking a little sorry that he had upturned Harry's whole life.

After Jimmy had cried as much as he could McGonagall offered to take them to the infirmary so they could spend the night there since they probably wouldn't want to talk with anybody about what had happened.

As soon as Harry was lying on his bed in the infirmary and Jimmy was asleep on the bed besides his Harry asked Voldemort, 'Is it all true?'

'I mean. Maybe? I certainly remember a redhead, but she had no martini glass in her hand so I can't be sure.'

Harry sighed, 'What now?'

Voldemort didn't answer him.

The next day the whole sordid deal was on the Daily Prophet's cover. Jimmy cried when he saw it and Harry simply skipped the story and read about the weather.

At lunch time Professor Snape came to join them and tell Harry and Jimmy that their friends were there to see them.

"Sure", Harry nodded since Jimmy was pretty much nonresponsive, "But Sir, if I may ask, what happened with-with Lily?"

Professor Snape grimaced, "She has fled the country. Aurors are looking for her as we speak."

Harry nodded.

Their friends rushed in as soon as Professor Snape left. None of them really mentioned the elephant in the room, being mostly sympathetic to their plight. Well, more like Jimmy's plight. He just couldn't seem to be able to calm down at all even as all his Gryffindor friends tried to sooth him.

"And you're not even processing it at all", said Draco as he changed his broom from his right hand to his left hand.

Harry shrugged, "I mean, I never really got used to James Potter being my father, so, eh."

All their friends turned to look at Harry.

"Wait, what?"

Harry was at his third lesson of that week on 'how to act like a normal human being' with Professor Snape and it was only Tuesday. This all was a direct result of Draco yet again going to Professor Snape to snitch on Harry doing something or other. This time it was because Harry had cracked a joke about being previous Dark Lord's son and would generally just laugh at the whole thing instead of addressing it.

Voldemort even approved and laughed along at some of the jokes Harry made.

"Potter, do I need to stage another intervention?", asked Professor Snape exasperatedly.

"S'not my fault nobody appreciate my sense of humour", mumbled Harry.

Professor Snape sighed, "Think about what you jokes are doing to your brother, what do you think he's thinking of you now?"

Harry shrugged and wondered if he should go check again if some Dementor didn't get left behind by the Ministry.

"Potter!"

"I don' wanna be Potter no more", whined Harry as he draped himself over his desk, "S' stupid last name anyways."

"Po-Harry, would you listen to me if I call you Harry?"

Harry perked up, "Does the deal include crumpets?"

Professor Snape rolled his eyes, "Yes, yes, I'll give you a few blasted crumpets."

"Deal", chirped Harry and sat up straight again, "Does this new ban include me not doing jokes about terrible French names? Or me joking about the Death Eaters needing to change their name to Crumpet Eaters cause that's clearly a better name."

Professor Snape's face twitched, "Neither are allowed."

Harry pouted, "Not even me changing my last name on exam papers to 'Flight of the Crumpets'?"

"Harry."

"Geddit? Cause Voldemort means flight of death?"

"Harry."

"I have a ton more written down here, listen, this is a raunchy song I learned from one of my mates at London, except I change the word hooker for Death Eater-"

Before Harry could continue Professor Snape snatched the paper from Harry's hand, balled it up and threw it into the trash.

"You know I can just conjure it back later?", asked Harry idly, leaning on the desk and resting his cheek on his closed fist.

"Harry what are you doing here?", asked Draco when he got into the Slytherin common room and saw Harry sitting in front of the fireplace writing a letter to presumably pester some magical creatures council or other.

"Professor kicked me out", said Harry as he looked up from his parchment, "What other words can I use to express my utter disdain for the treatment of Dementors under the Ministry other than contempt and scorn?"

Draco sighed, let his beloved Firebolt rest against the other armchairs in front of the fireplace and sat down to join Harry.

"Harry you've already gotten a seize and desist letter from the Ministry to stop harassing them with letters", Draco explained in the most even voice he could muster.

"This one is for the Quibbler, Luna's dad is the editor and has agreed to run a story on it", explained Harry.

Draco's first impulse was to curse the Lovegood girl's name, but since she was helping to channel Harry's unhealthy obsession with Dementors rights into a direction that was neither illegal nor endangering to Harry, he relented.

"What about disrelish?", Draco proposed instead.

Harry seemed to think about it as his left eye twitched, "Sounds good, I'll use it."

They sat in peace and quiet for a while, for which Draco was thankful for. When the whole truth about Harry and Jimmy's parentage had come out most people had collectively lost their heads and started to make life difficult for the twins.

Fortunately – or unfortunately, depending from what side you were viewing this – Harry had found the whole thing hilarious and would joke about it nonstop. This all led to people quickly realizing that Harry was still the same old crazy Harry and not evil incarnate. The Weasley twins had especially taken to Harry's raunchy song about Death Eaters – one which Draco hoped to Merlin, Morgana and Salazar that his father never found out about. It was bad enough that he had to sit in fear for the day where Severus finally found out about the song, but Draco's father discovering this would be so much worse.

Never mind that now Draco's father approved of him befriending 'the crazy Potter' – Draco's father words, not his own – it would all fall apart the second he heard the first part of the song.

The next week Harry's letter to the Ministry was published in the Quibbler along with a complimentary note that contained the aforementioned raunchy song's lyrics.

"You will both be happy to learn that Augusta Longbottom has accepted to host you during these summer holidays", explained Professor Snape as both he and Professor McGonagall were sitting in front of Harry and Jimmy.

'Quick, fake that you're having some sort of fit! If we're convincing enough they'll let us stay at the infirmary where we'll be able to escape.'

Harry was seriously considering this, but he saw Professor Snape's sharp gaze on him and didn't think he could do a convincing act with him watching him like a hawk like he was now.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad? Jimmy wasn't saying anything so she probably wasn't as bad as her giant dead vulture hat implied. But then again, Jimmy had hardly said a word since they heard that James Potter had given up custody of them.

When Harry told Neville the news a few hours later the other boy winced.

"Look, she's my grandma and I love her and everything, but she's pants at children. Did I ever tell you about the day that Uncle Algie almost threw me off the roof? Dad came just in time to stop him, but he was livid. Also, you should know that Jimmy didn't say his first word until he was with the Potters for over a month after they got out of their coma."

"Fuck", said Harry and Neville patted him in sympathy.

Later that night as Harry was having trouble with sleeping Voldemort said, 'You know desperate times call for desperate measures.'

"I'm not faking my death", Harry mumbled.

'That would be a terrible plan. Now listen, I need you to go find Ravenclaw's Diadem for me.'

"I don't wanna find Ravenclaw's Diadem", Harry moaned and turned in his bed.

'Listen to me this will save us both from Augusta Longbottom's terrible hat! Do you want to see that awful hat every day during the summer Harry? Do you?'

"Noooooo, anything but the hat! It's too ugly", groaned Harry.

"Draco kick Harry till he can get out of his fashion nightmare!", called Blaise.

A second later Harry felt Draco kick him in the shin.

The next morning Harry gave Draco the stink eye as he went about his business and had half a mind of kicking him back. Unfortunately he was on a rushed timetable and had to run to some secret room that only sometimes was there to find some ancient jewellery.

"Looks a bit tacky, doesn't it?", asked Harry as he took one last look at the diadem before he shoved it into his bag.

'That thing is a priceless antiquity! It also has a piece of my soul, so you better watch it!'

Harry groaned, "Let me guess, your master plan is to mesh with the piece soul trapped in this thing. And then what? What you need is a body, not more pieces of soul."

'Shut it, I'm working on it. Now skedaddle, it's almost time for your class.'

Harry rolled his eyes but obeyed.

Harry stared at the stuffed dead antelope head. He turned to the right and saw a whole stuffed dead bear. He turned to his left and saw dead stuffed lion biting a dead stuffed eagle.

"Okay, I'm out", he said and went to grab Jimmy from where he was trying to integrate with the wallpaper.

It said something about Augusta Longbottom and her child rearing abilities that both Harry and Jimmy walked out in the middle of the same day that they'd arrived at her home and she didn't even realize it.

'Okay, so the first place is near the orphanage where I grew up in.'

"Hmm", hummed Harry as he counted his Muggle money and made sure it was enough to buy him and Jimmy a bus ticket to get close to where they were going.

"Hmm", hummed Harry as he and Jimmy sat on the bus and Harry peered at the map he'd nicked from the station.

"Harry", Jimmy hesitated, "Where are we going?"

"To a cave, apparently it's in this area. Dunno, will know when we get there.

"Are we going to live there now?"

'Hope to Merlin that you won't.'

'Wait, what?'

'Nothing. Here, open the map a bit more so I can see.'

Harry grumbled a bit but did as he was asked.

"Harry I'm not sure about this", said Jimmy as they both scaled a cliff to get to the blasted cave.

"Well it either this or aparating and we both still got the Trace on so we'll both just have to suck it up because somebody didn't tell me I needed to get a bloody rope before this!"

'I was able to scale this cliff when I was eight years old! And back in my day they whipped and starved the children at orphanages! I was skin and bones, but then again children in my time were resilient, not like today's hooligans!'

'Back in your day, back in your day they'd barely invented the wheel old man!'

'Take that back!'

"Harry I don't like this place", said Jimmy while Harry was digging in his pockets to get out one of his knives to cut himself up so he could get in.

"I don't like it either Jimmy, but I bet it would be a whole lot better if somebody had told me to bring a fucking lamp!"

'In my day we got down here without any damn ropes or lamps!'

'Merlin your childhood sucked', groused Harry.

'Eh, it wasn't that bad.'

'You were literally just telling me how they whipped you at the orphanage!'

'Well, yes, but they whipped all of us equally, so it was always a nice networking exercise. Oh they whipped you? Well me too, what a coincidence. Now give me your lunch.'

'Merlin', was all Harry could think.

"Harry I don't think this is a good plan", said Jimmy as they sailed over the lake in a boat that had to be dragged out from the bottom of the lake by a chain.

"It's not that bad, but it could have been better if somebody would have told me I needed to stick my hand into a bowl of Merlin fucking poison!", Harry got progressively louder the longer he went on.

'Look, it's either that or you could always drink it yourself. I would suggest making Jimmy drink it, but I'm not sure you'd appreciate that.'

'What happens if somebody drinks it?'

'Er.'

'Vol?'

'Look, just stick your hand in it, sure it'll burn off all your skin – and that's if you're lucky – but the alternative isn't better. At all.'

Harry looked at the bowl and suddenly had a brilliant idea.

"Jimmy take cover!", ordered Harry as he pointed at one of the bigger rocks on the island, "And close your eyes and cover your ears!"

Jimmy went and did as Harry had asked. As soon as Harry was sure Jimmy was as protected as he could be he let out Spot, who knocked over the bowl and then went back to Harry.

Harry covered his hands in a handkerchief and lifted the locket.

"Hey! I got it!", said Harry happily, "Jimmy you can come out! We're leaving!"

Voldemort was silent as they exited the cave.

'Hey, you upset your stupid cave isn't that awesome?'

'That bowl shouldn't have fallen off so easily', mumbled Voldemort petulantly.

Harry snickered silently, but still got a weird look from Jimmy.

'Where next?'

The next place turned out to be a desolate shack in the middle of nowhere. Worst still, Voldemort insisted that they could go stay at the abandoned mansion at the other edge of town.

'I'm not living in an abandoned place, mansion or otherwise', groused Harry as he went to sit on the steps of the shack they'd just left.

"Harry I don't like this place either", said Jimmy.

"Yeah, me neither Jimmy. Don't worry, I'll get us a nicer place soon."

'That mansion is perfectly serviceable', muttered Voldemort.

Harry ignored him as he pulled out the locket they'd gotten the day before and put the ring at its side in the handkerchief.

'Something is wrong', said Voldemort, 'Try open the locket, quick!'

Harry complied and opened the locket.

When Voldemort read the note inside he got so unbelievably angry and shouted so loudly that Harry dropped both items to clutch at his head and try to hold back Spot.

"Harry! Are you okay?", asked Jimmy and came immediately to Harry's side.

Harry winced as he uncurled from himself and quickly picked up the stuff that had fallen, "Yeah, just a migraine. Let's get out of here", he quickly stood up and ignored Voldemort as he screamed profanities.

"Where to now?"

Harry put his hands in his pockets and felt in one pocket the locket and ring and in the other his and Jimmy's shrunk trunks. Milly had been left to Draco to care for the summer since Harry hadn't wanted her to get hurt or something at August Longbottom's house and Hedwig could take care of herself.

"What about going to the Weasleys? Neville's always telling how awesome they are", proposed Harry.

Jimmy seemed to sag in relief, "That sounds wonderful Harry."

Since Harry no longer cared about hiding he took out his wand and called for the Knight Bus. Both he and Jimmy covered their faces as best they could before the time so they didn't get any attention when they took their seat on the bus.

When Harry knocked the door at the Weasley home door and Mrs. Weasley opened it she screamed in surprised and proceeded to hug them both tightly.

"We've all been so worried! You disappeared from Augusta's home almost as soon as you arrived and she only noticed last night! The Aurors are looking all over the place for you! Oh thank Merlin you're fine! Are you hungry? Here let me give you some lunch!"

Harry enjoyed deeply his first proper meal since he left Hogwarts. Mrs. Weasley prattled on while all her children slowly trickled into the kitchen and were all overjoyed to find Harry and Jimmy there.

Voldemort was silent throughout the whole afternoon as he sulked about his stolen Horcrux.

When Mr. Weasley got back from his work he brought with him a bunch of Aurors.

The Aurors made sure they were both safe and sound and told them off for running away like that.

"By the way", said Auror Shacklebolt and took out a picture from his robe pocket, "We think we may have spotted your mother, could you tell me if it's her in this picture?"

Jimmy and Harry took a look.

"Doesn't look like her, she's not holding a martini", said Harry.

Auror Shacklebolt nodded, "I see, well, thank you anyways for your help."

Next came Frank Longbottom, Neville's dad, to apologize.

"You have no idea how sorry I am about what happened. We should all have done a better job", said Frank, "But don't worry, we've talked it out with the Weasley so you can stay here as long as you wish."

Both Harry and Jimmy took a sigh of relief at that.

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